Stay in this position and continue to breathe deeply as long as it feels comfortable.
Source: The core of my message
Stay in this position and continue to breathe deeply as long as it feels comfortable.
Source: The core of my message
2 of 5 Skull-Fucked Stars – Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits by David Wong
This book pisses me off so much. Because, I absolutely loved David Wong’s other novels. But this one is utter horse shit. Well, that’s not entirely true. I mean, it’s a decent short story. It would fit well into 100 pages or so. But no. He had to fucking sell out and stretch it the fuck out to nearly 400 goddamn pages. Motherfucker.
It’s like, after his last book hit the bestseller list, his publisher asked, “So, you got any other stories laying around that you could turn into a novel right quick?” and Wong said, “Well I got this short story…” and the publisher is all like, “Well, fuck it. Stretch that bitch out, and we’ll publish it, and make a bajillion dollars, man.” To which, Wong said, of course, “Fuck yea, man. I’m on it.”
The story is about some stupid white-trash cunt who, of course, lives in a fucking trailer park, with her white-trash whore of a mom. Why the fuck you would want to write a story about this stupid cunt is beyond me. It’s fucking stupid. Anyway, some strange hitman, with metal jaws, like real-life bionic jaws, that can eat through a motherfucking car, he comes after this stupid girl, because reasons.
Well, there is actually a reason. Apparently, some wealthy gangster dude was her long-lost dad that she didn’t know even existed. And he left her his fortune, and mansion, and like tons of shit. So the rival gangsters put a hit out on this stupid girl. As you do. And so the rampage is on. Until her dad’s gangsters catch wind of this plot, and set out to help the poor girl.
See? It’s a decent short story. But here comes the retarded stretch-out part that makes the story fucking pointless. You see, the rival gangs have been making these bionic hentchmen with dear ol’ dad’s magic bionic formula. However, it’s flawed, or something. Like the henchmen just randomly explode for some reason. But there’s a solution to this problem. Dad left the solution to his long-lost white-trash daughter. And so now, all the gangsters in the world are after the poor white-trash slut.
That’s it. 400 goddamn pages of the gangsters trying to get this program. It’s pretty much the same story over and over again every chapter. The gangsters ransome shit. And the girl’s gangsters fix it. Over and over and over. Maybe they storm her new mansion. Big deal. Her henchmen fix that shit too. So, really, there’s no conflict. Because everything turns out fine, over and over and over. Whoopotie-fucking-doo.
I wish I could give this book 1 star, but I can’t. Because it’s an alright story. If it was 100 pages or so. And as I said, I really love Wong’s other work. He just sold out for this one, for whatever reason. I can’t fault a guy for trying to make a buck. I just hope that he goes back to what he does best. Bat-shit-crazy stories that don’t make any sense whatsoever. That’s the problem with this book. It makes perfect sense. It has an actual plot. Who want’s that shit? I sure don’t.
4 of 5 Kids-With-Guns Stars – The Oneiro Rangers in First Night by Erwin Blackthorn
This is a great story, if you start reading it on page 14. Seriously, the first 14 pages are complete horse shit. And it really pisses me off, considering that the whole book is only 70 goddamn pages. So that’s 20% of the book completely wasted. Motherfucker. What a great way to get readers to throw this fucking thing in the trash from the very beginning, you fucking idiot of an author.
That being said, if you skip those first 14 pages, this is a very good story. I quite enjoyed it. It’s about a bunch of kids attending an academy to train them to become Oneiro Rangers. Or wizards. Or something. Because it really reminded me of the Harry Potter books. With Dementors, a sorting machine, and even a Professor Snape for fuck’s sake.
The story follows a few kids who survived an attack by a Nightterror (aka Dementor), which kidnapped the entire school. Only these few kids remain, along with their Professor Snape to guide them. Oh, and some mysterious Doctor who I can only assume is Professor Dumbledore, because he explains the whole mess to the kids and gives them the tools to defeat the Dementors.
It really is a great story, despite the fact that the cover looks like it was designed by a retarded 1st grader. I man, come on. The graphic is okay, but the text just looks… I dunno. Stupid, I guess. Amateur. But, whatever… It’s still a great story, and I would highly recommend it. As long as you skip the first boring, useless, 14 pages.
2 of 5 Retarded-As-Fuck Stars – An End to the Thrill by Varun Kumar
This ‘book’ of short stories isn’t really a book. It’s only 52 pages, nine of which are filler bullshit. Dedications and such. Who the fuck cares? Why does it take nine fucking pages to get to the first goddamn story? It’s retarded. Such a waste of space. Hell, that wasted space is longer than most of the stories in this stupid collection.
Most of the stories are set in some kind of alternate reality or future. They’re science-fiction stories, which I usually like. But I didn’t like most of these stories. Mostly because they didn’t make any fucking sense. Or they required me to actually think. I don’t read stories to think, goddamnit. Just tell me what happened, for fuck’s sake. Is that too much to ask? Why do I have to guess and make my own goddamn conclusion? Isn’t that your responsibility as the writer? I guess not.
The first story in this collection is about a guy trying to make it rich with time travel. But either the character is retarded, or the author is. Probably both. Because the guy tells his wife he wants to see how his investments will do over twenty years, and tells her he’ll be back in five minutes. Apparently his plan was to go into the future twenty years, and check on his investments. Then return and change his investments accordingly.
Well, this doesn’t make any fucking sense. First of all, he placed the money in a trust, supposedly. That’s not usually an investment. Then, we find out he didn’t actually put the money in a trust. He hid it somewhere. Or something.
So, he shows up again, back from the future, and asks his wife, “So, what’s our money worth now?” Which also doesn’t make any fucking sense. Because she had no fucking access to the money. And wasn’t it his idea to go into the future to see what his investments would be worth? What the bloody fuck is going on? Why would he ask her? I just don’t get it.
The only story I actually liked also made no fucking sense whatsoever. A guy has an evil plan to get rich by buying lottery tickets every day. So yeah, that’s like the worst plan ever. So his wife leaves him for a guy who’s already rich. Cool. But the lottery guy wants revenge. So he keeps playing the lottery until he actually hits it big. So he invests in a huge scam where he starts a rumor that the world is going to end in ten years. And he puts up a billboard saying he’s got the only safe spot to watch the end of the world from. You know, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe style.
The catch is, you have to put up all your money in order to visit this so-called restaurant. And sure enough, only one couple on Earth is stupid enough to fall for this scam. The lottery guy and her rich lover. Seriously? That’s convenient. And also completely retarded. But still a slightly interesting story.
I really wouldn’t recommend this book to anyone. It’s pretty much a waste of time. Unless you happen to like being confused. But even if being confused is your thing, there are plenty of other books more worthy of your time. Actual BOOKS, not just short collections, like this one. All in all, I was glad there was an end to this ‘thrill’. Heh.
4 of 5 Sucky-Ass-Future Stars – Time Salvager by Wesley Chu.
This book is absolutely fascinating. The world and technology that the author created for this book is fucking mind-boggling. Such a staggering imagination. And yet, it’s really just a short story dragged out for four-hundred goddamn pages. I would have much rather read a condensed version of this story. Maybe a hundred or so pages. It would have been much better that way.
But no. We can’t have that, now can we? It’s got to be a full length book, or nothing at all, right? Fucking publishers. At least i have to assume it’s the publisher’s fault. I have to think that Mr. Chu wrote this amazing novella, and the publishers said, “Oh, hell no. You gotta fatten this fucker up, Chu. We aren’t gonna publish some bullshit novella. The days of Phillip K. Dick are over, mister. Get with the program.”
So Mr. Chu went ahead and skull-fucked his perfectly fine story. Fattened it up to satisfy the asshole publishers. Or something like that. I mean, it’s still a great story, don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I read the whole thing. But really, the story seemed to be over after about four chapters. Everything was pretty much done. All that was left was for the bad guys to find the good guy, and put a fucking bullet in his head.
But, even that didn’t happen, dammit. No, we’ve got to have the fucking Hollywood ending, so they can make this fucking thing into a goddamn movie. What the fuck, Chu? Write what you want, man. If Hollywood wants to skull-fuck the story, fine. But don’t skull-fuck it yourself for Christ sake. Damn.
This story is about time travel. It’s about James, a time traveling salvager. He jumps back in time to find artifacts that are worth a shit ton of cash to his current time. Of course this doesn’t make any fucking sense, because come on, man. I mean, James lives thousands of years in the future. Why the fuck is he going back thousands of years to get old-ass technology? What the bloody fuck? Don’t you think that the tech would be better in the future? Apparently not. Because this salvage operation is huge business in this particular future. Why? Nobody knows. It’s all bullshit, really.
And soon, something goes awry in one of his salvage missions. He gets the tech that he came for, and for some reason he brings along some hot scientist chick. He saves her from a huge explosion, and she ends up tagging along with James back to the future. And this is a big deal. Because that is like Time Law #1, man. You don’t bring hot bitches back to the future. That’s just not cool, man.
Why? Well, it’s because some other scientist bitch that invented time travel came up with some bullshit laws while she was drunk one night. Seriously. She was fucking drunk, and just pulled some Time Laws out of her fucking ass. Like nobody would actually take these laws seriously, right? No way. So there’s all these Time Laws that these future time travelers have to obsessively follow, for no reason whatsoever. It’s so fucking stupid.
But that’s beside the point. The point is that James is now in deep fucking shit. He can’t go back to his buddies back at Time Base Central, or whatever. Because now he’s a goddamn fugitive. He brought back an anomaly. A very hot, naughty anomaly. And now the whole future world is out to get him and his hot scientist chick.
And then James gets caught, and the anomaly gets sent back to her real-time, right? That’s what should happen, right? The end? Nope. Then there’s the whole plot thing. You see, the would in their time is falling apart. Like seriously falling apart. The ocean is just a black sludge pit. The ozone… Don’t even get me started on the goddamn ozone. It’s just fucked, okay? And this hot scientist chick has the answers to solve this global meltdown. Apparently.
What? Seriously? Some fucking scientist bitch from a thousand years ago knows how to fix the future Earth? Nobody in a thousand years has come close to solving this problem, and all the sudden some bitch from a thousand years ago knows all the answers? Fucking seriously? Come on, man. That makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever.
So yeah, James and the scientist bitch set up shop with some indian folk. Seriously, they’re like Native Americans, or something. They talk funny. But apparently they have the best place to hide for fugitives, because they are like totally low tech, or something. Okay, cool. So James and his girly friend set up shop there, and try to save the planet. And james does some time jumping to get supplies for the village, and science supplies for the girly. And all is happy happy joy joy horseshit. Just waiting for the bad guys to swoop in at any second and fuck up all this happy shit. Please, for the love of god, bad guys, please swoop in and fuck this shit up. Because seriously, I can’t take this shit anymore.
Then, for no apparent reason, James goes and kidnaps the scientist bitch who invented time travel. You know, because he can, or something. And that bitch goes on to tell James just how drunk and stoned out of her mind she was when she came up with the so-called Time Laws. And James is like, “What…?” And the bitch is all like, “Totally, man.”
After about two hundred or so bullshit pages of filler, the bad guys finally do catch a goddamn clue, and come raid the Native American village, where James and his two scientist bitches are hiding. And I just have to wonder, just how the fuck does it take these guys so long to find someone? I mean, it’s thousands of years in the future, man. What, they don’t have Google? They’ve got to have something nine billion times better than Google, for fuck’s sake. I mean, if the author didn’t have to come up with so much goddamn filler, to satisfy his fucking publishers, I guarantee you the bad guys would catch up with James in like twenty-four hours, max.
A huge battle ensues, of course. But all the key people live for some bullshit Hollywood reason. I mean, seriously, everyone lives happily ever after. It’s such total bullshit, it makes me sick. That bitch who actually invented time travel comes out from behind a curtain at the end of the battle and says, “Oh, hey guys. Yes, it’s me. I know, I know, you think I’m some kind of god or something because I fucking invented time travel. But come on, man. Chill. Have a beer, or something. Let’s stop fighting and just have a big orgy.”
Well, that’s more or less how it went. You know, I really make this book sound pretty stupid. And I guess a lot of it is pretty stupid. But it was still an awesome book. I loved it, believe it or not. It could have been better. It should have been better. But even as it is, it’s still a damn fine book. I’d highly recommend it.
…… This really is a crazy, yet stupid fucking book.
2 of 5 Magic-Elephant-Cock Stars – Outsourced by Eric J. Gates.
After the author of this book sent this one to me for review, I immediately put it on the bottom of my pile of books to review. Because look at this goddamn cover. It’s fucking retarded. I’m not sure why I hate it so much, but I really do. Thankfully, the book was actually better than the cover. Not that it’s good, mind you. It’s just not that bad.
This is the story of two writers, and a magic pen. Oh, and an assassin, who wants his fucking magic pen back. Because it’s really easy to kill people when you have a magic pen that can literally write fatal accidents into your target’s future. Because that’s what this pen does. If you write it, it will happen. Or something like that.
Apparently, the pen is not as easy as…
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1 of 5 Human-Fuck-Toy Stars – The Automation by some stupid pen name. And edited by some asshole who constantly breaks the fourth wall and comments on this stupid fucking story. Explaining just how stupid it really is.
I did not finish this book. I just couldn’t. It was that bad. I read the first few chapters, hoping for something great, because the premise of the book intrigued me. But the chapters I read were so bloody disappointing, that I had to just skip to the last chapter, and find out if any of this book was really worth reading. Turns out that it wasn’t. It wasn’t even worth skimming the rest of it to see if there was any nugget of goodness in it. Because I knew for certain that the author was just too goddamn stupid to write anything remotely satisfying.
I mean, it was like this book was written by a goddamn teenager, or something. Because all the dialog in this book is about who is fucking who. Or who likes who. Or damn, The Who sure is a good band, or something. I don’t fucking know. It’s just teenage garbage. But it’s not the usual teenage garbage, you see. No, this is garbage that is pretending to be interesting. But trust me, it’s not interesting at all.
Of course, I felt the same way about the Twilight books, but at lest they had some form of substance. Not much, mind you. But at least it was something. This book… All the dialog is just so fucking pointless. And the characters all talk and act the same. It’s like the author never figured out how to actually write distinct characters. He (or she) just wrote dialog of him talking to himself (or herself, or itself, or whatever). Where’s the fun in that? I mean, yes in effect, all authors are writing dialog of themselves talking to themselves, because they really are every character in the book. It’s called imagination. Look it up.
But no. Not this cunt (or dick). No, this jackass just said fuck it, and literally talked to themselves throughout this whole book, without ever thinking of actually making any interesting or unique characters. No imagination whatsoever.
Oh wait. That’s not true. The premise of this book is actually quite interesting. Certainly more interesting than the goddamn book, that’s for sure. It’s about humanoid robots. And the gods who made them. And the masters of the robots. And arguments about who’s going to have sex with the robots first. Because what else are humanoid robots good for, really? You can only tell them to make you a fucking sammich so many times before you want to bend them over the coffee table and fuck their brains out. I know these things. The toaster gave me a dirty look one time, and I showed that toaster who’s boss. Right in its dirty little toaster asshole.
But a good premise does not make for a good book in this case. It’s just false promises, and broken dreams. The premise of this book is like the trailer for that stupid fucking Fantastic 4 movie. It looks oh so polished. So much action and intrigue. I’ve got to see that fucking movie. Then they fuck you in the drive-through. Because you go and watch that movie, and it’s total fucking horseshit.
So don’t fall for the sexy robot premise. Sure, it seems like a good idea at the time, but in the end, you’ll just get your dick toasted. And nobody wants that. Trust me, I know.