The Darkest Minds – isn’t very dark

2 of 5 Don’t-Give-A-Fuck Stars – The Darkest Minds by Alexandra Bracken.

You know, I usually judge a book by its dialogue. It really pisses me off when a book goes for several chapters without any interaction with anyone. No dialog at all. Fuck that shit.

But this book has plenty of dialog. And, I hate it. It tells nothing of the characters. There’s no sense of urgency. There’s nothing moving the story along. There’s no motivation to keep reading, to find out what the fuck is going on.

I could find nothing that would make me care about these characters at all. While reading this book, I kept hoping that most of them would die a horrible death. At least that would make the story more interesting.

This story is about a dystopian future, where kids are being wiped out by a deadly plague. Our first-person narrator, Ruby, is somehow immune to the plague, and because of this, she develops some kind of super-powers. Don’t ask me what the fuck these super-powers were, because I couldn’t understand any of it.

Okay, well it’s not that hard to understand, really. She can wipe minds. And some of the kids can mind control. And the government wants to use these kids as war weapons. So, Ruby and her new-found super-friends bounce from one compound to another, in hopes to find someplace they can live as humans, instead of monsters.

Sounds like a decent story, doesn’t it? NO! It’s NOT! It’s not a decent story at all. Reading the synopsis is all that’s worth reading. The book is just constant teenage angst. It makes you want to punch the stupid cunt of a narrator in the fucking face. Because she’s so goddamn stupid. I wish I had her powers. So I could wipe my mind of ever reading this stupid fucking book.

If you’re looking for a good Young Adult series to read, skip this one. It’s a total fucking waste of time.

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The 100 – should’ve died in the crash

3 of 5 Annoying-As-Shit Stars – The 100 by Kass Morgan.

This book had a very interesting premise. The earth had been pretty much destroyed by nuclear war, and the only remaining humans lived aboard a space station. 100 juvenile criminals, who have already been sentenced to death, are sent down to the earth, as an experiment. So, they were pretty much sent to earth to die.

But they don’t die. Everything is fine on the earth, except for a few mutant animals here and there. They just settle down and create their own little teenage society. Whooptie-freaking-doo. It’s boring as shit, once they settle in.

So the beginning of the book is awesome. The middle is pure MEH. Then, the last few chapters picks up with a few interesting twists, and the fucking book ends in a cliffhanger. As soon as it gets good again, this bitch Kass Morgan fucks us in the ass.

Sure, it made me desperately want to read the next book in the series. I mean, who doesn’t like a good ass fucking now and then. But come on Kass… At least give me a goddamn reach-around.

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American Psycho – isn’t very psycho

2 of 5 Boring-Ass Stars – American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis.

This is the most boring book about a serial killer. It’s less about him being a serial killer as it is about him being obsessed with his social status. It’s about bullshit corporate hierarchy. It’s about having a better car than the next executive; a better business card; a better girlfriend; a better chainsaw.

There are only about 50 pages of this book that are worth reading. The rest is complete garbage. But, if you don’t read through all the garbage, you will never get to the bits about him torturing a girl on his living room floor, stuffing cheese in her cunt, and urging a rat to eat her out. And, of course, you will probably not get to the bit about him chasing a naked girl through his apartment complex, while he wields a chainsaw.

Because, for the most part, you’ll be stuck reading about how this guy’s suit is just perfect. How that other guy is dating a dirty slut. And how this restaurant is so much better than that other restaurant. And how utterly bored I am, reading that shit. Seriously. I was totally turning into a serial killer, just so I could hunt down Mr. Ellis and slowly dismember his body with a fucking chainsaw.

Wait, did I say 50 pages were worth reading? It’s really more like 5 pages of awesomeness. Fuck the rest of this book. Fuck it in its dirty fucking asshole. Because, it’s so bad, and it should feel bad.

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The Testing – makes my head hurt

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1 of 5 Absolutely-Fucking-Terrible Stars – The Testing by Joelle Charbonneau.

Not only is this a complete rip-off of the Divergent series, but it’s not even an interesting rip-off. It’s boring as fuck. Nothing happens. Some kids take some tests. Some pass, some fail. Whooptie-freaking-doo.

As I read this book, I kept waiting, page after page, for some goddamn conflict. There really wasn’t any real conflict. Unless you count the stress from taking really important tests as conflict, which I certainly don’t. The characters get along together, for the most part. There’s not even an interesting love story.

It’s like the author took all the boring parts of Divergent, and turned those into a book. I don’t give a fuck. Why can’t you take all the fun parts? Like learning to fight. Or getting sexy tattoos. Or doing things that actually require bravery. Naw… That might actually be a fun read.

But no. This stupid cunt Joelle had to write this garbage instead. So, fuck her in her stupid asshole. Because this book is bad, and she should fucking feel bad for it.

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Something in the dark – scares me just a little

3 of 5 Creepy-Ass Stars – Something in the Dark by Vincent Asaro.

This book is a collection of short stories. It should really be called “Something in the light” because there are several religious and afterlife type themes throughout the book. In one story, a man finds himself in purgatory, which it turns out is a bit of a spaghetti western. In another story, a desperate teen summons the devil only to be told by the old man to “Go fuck yourself”.

Of course, there are other themes as well. Several stories deal with dystopian futures. One of which I found very fascinating: Actual angels descend from space and invade earth, like they were aliens or something. But, they really are angels. They destroy the earth, leveling cities, and creating a plague which wipe out all but about 1% of the human race.

And then, the story ends. What the fuck, seriously? That’s the only problem I had with this collection of stories. Several just end. No real conclusion at all. The words just stop. I kept going “That’s it?” Over and over. There were also a couple of stories which seemed to have an ending, but I really didn’t understand it. I know I’m a retard and all that, but come on. Don’t expect everyone to be Yale fucking educated.

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The Diamond Age – has no diamonds

2 of 5 Stupid-And-Childish Stars – The Diamond Age by Neal Stephenson.

This book’s title is stupid. It should have the subtitle as the title. Because this book IS “A Young Lady’s Illustrated Primer”. It has nothing to do with a Diamond Age. It’s just a story about an interactive children’s book. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But, I signed on to read a Neal Stephenson book, a crazy romp through cyberspace. Not some story about some stupid little girl and the whore who talks to her through this interactive book.

Okay, I admit the whore’s story is kind of interesting. But this book isn’t about the whore’s story. It should have been! But, sadly, it’s not. It’s just about this stupid little girl’s fucked up life, with her abusive family. I don’t fucking care, okay? I just don’t. I’m an adult, goddamnit. If I wanted to read a fucking children’s book, I’d read a fucking children’s book.

I used to be a Neal Stephenson fan. I fucking loved Snow Crash, man. That shit was awesome. But this book is no Snow Crash. Yes, it has some amazing tech, but the story doesn’t support the tech. The story distracts from it. It’s about a young girl trying to survive her abusive parents. The tech does nothing to make that story interesting.

I wanted to slap the stupid little girl in the face so many times, while I was reading this book. I can see why her parents ignore her, or smack her upside her stupid head. But that’s because I can’t stand children in general. Which is why I couldn’t stand this book. I wanted that little girl to die a horrible death, so the story could get on to something interesting.

But no. It’s just endless crying and whining about her stupid, boring life. Come on, Neal. I know you can do better than this. There’s no need to write drivel about stupid little girls. Write something that someone might actually want to read. Stick to your awesome tech, and show me some action, goddamnit. Is that too much to ask?

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Gone Girl – can stay gone

3 of 5 Cool-Girl Stars – Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.

I could have literally skipped the first 200 pages of this book, and not missed a thing. Seriously, start about the 50% mark and its a gripping, engaging novel. If you start at the beginning… Well, I doubt you’d even get to the 50% mark, because the first half is boring as shit.

That being said, the last half of the book is awesome. I was hooked hard, and had to keep reading to the end. And that was when the disappointment hit. The ending is bullshit. I really wish there would have been a real, fitting end to this story. It really deserves a good, brutal ending.

Like, maybe Nick strangles Amy to death. No, fuck that. Then he’d go to prison and get ass raped. He doesn’t deserve that. So, how about Amy getting abducted for real? Like some stalker who had been following the news got obsessed with Amy, and as soon as she came home to Nick, the stalker busts in at night, takes Amy back to his lair, and rapes the ever-loving shit out of her.

Now, that’s an ending I could get behind. Then, the stalker strangles her to death, or stabs her in her cold fucking heart, or puts a shotgun to her head… I don’t really care how she dies. Just kill that miserable bitch, please. Give us some goddamn justice.

This is what I don’t get about this book, and it’s fucked up ending: how does Amy being pregnant change a goddamn thing? She’s still a psycho bitch. Why would Nick want to have a child with that fucked up cunt? Why would he forgive everything she’s done, just because she’s carrying his baby? Is he just that pathetic?

He even throws away the novel that he’s written about the whole ordeal, with the fake Amy abduction, and his assumed guilt, and arrest. All that shit. He typed it up. Then, just threw it all away, when he found out that Amy was pregnant with his child. It’s fucking bullshit. Kill that stupid whore. Or at the very least, just run away, man. Run for the hills. Divorce her, and get on with your miserable life. Have a child with someone else. Someone who’s not a fucking psychopath.

So, fuck Gillian Flynn in her dirty asshole for fucking up the ending to this book. And fuck Amy in her Cool Girl asshole because she is one psycho bitch.

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The Kill Order – should be the first to die

1 of 5 Miserable Stars – The Kill Order by James Dashner.

This book is not the story of Teresa and Thomas. It’s not their origin story. It doesn’t tell the tale I was hoping for, the tale of how and why they built the maze in The Maze Runner.

Instead, it’s a story of a completely different set of characters, and their journey to survive a virus outbreak. To find a cure, and to protect the immune. It’s not a particularly good story. In fact, its pretty damn boring.

But, at the beginning of the book, in the preface, it starts out with Teresa and Thomas, just minutes before Thomas gets put into the box, and sent up into the maze. So, I had high hopes.

And then chapter 1 starts 13 years earlier. 13 fucking years. In The Maze Runner they were only like 14-16 years old, so that means… Fuck! That means, if Teresa or Thomas are in this book at all, they’d be infants. Motherfucker.

I didn’t sign up for this. I wanted to read their story, goddamnit. I wanted to know why they built the maze. That’s the only real nagging question of the series. What the bloody fuck was the point of the goddamn maze? There isn’t one! It’s fucking bullshit.

So fuck you, James Dashner. Fuck you in your dirty hack asshole. Because this isn’t the story we wanted. This story is bullshit. Go ahead and eat a bag of dicks for getting my hopes up, and making me read this shit.

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Battle Royale – is so awesome i can’t even

5 of 5 Motherfucking Stars – Battle Royale by Koushun Takami.

This book is so fucking awesome. It’s like The Hunger Games on crack. Seriously, when the movie for The Hunger Games came out, I was like HELL YEA! KIDS KILLING EACH OTHER! SWEET. But, I hadn’t actually read The Hunger Games books. Needless to say, when I saw the movie, I was like WTF?? WHAT’S ALL THIS POLITICAL HORSESHIT!?

So, fuck Hunger Games. It’s fucking bullshit. Battle Royale started it all. Kids killing each other for the world’s amusement. From the very beginning. Well, there’s like 5 pages of set-up, with the kids all in a classroom. The killing process is explained to them, and they are set off, into the woods to fend for themselves and kill every goddamn student they come across.

It’s fucking brutal. This book describes the battle the way it really would be, if this ever happened. Kids would go ape-shit. It would be a total blood bath. Fuck using a bow and arrow. These teenagers don’t fuck around. It’s an axe to the face. A shotgun to the face. A fucking bazooka to the face. It’d be fucking awesome, if the Japs actually did this. Everyone on the planet would tune in to watch kids tear each other apart. It’s good, clean fun.

So, don’t read that bullshit Hunger Games crap. Read Battle Royale. You can thank me later.

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Frisk – is frisky but boring

2 of 5 Not-So-Sexy Stars – Frisk by Dennis Cooper.

This is not really a novel. Maybe a novella, but not a novel. It’s not even a real story. It’s just excerpts from someone’s so-called life. Mostly normal, gay sex scenes. I mean, a little kink here and there, sure. But, for the most part, it’s boring-as-shit gay sex scenes. Big-fucking-deal.

Then, for some reason, this guy turns into a serial killer. Just because he can, apparently. I guess the Dutch just ask for it or something. He finds it just so easy to kill, so he does it, and continues to do it, in graphic detail. He picks up guys, and takes them to a deserted factory and kills and rapes them.

Or does he? This fictional character narrates these detailed killing scenes as a letter he’s writing to a friend back in the states. But, its just a fantasy, he tells his friend, after the friend actually comes to Amsterdam to visit this crazy serial killer. It wasn’t real, was it?

No, it wasn’t real. So, I just read about an 11 year old boy getting skull fucked and disemboweled with a swiss army knife (at the same time, mind you), and it wasn’t even anything I could pretend to happen. Because, it was fiction within fiction. Even the goddamn fiction was fiction! What the fuck?

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