Archive for October, 2014

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3 of 5 Not-So-Ugly Stars – Uglies by Scott Westerfeld.

I didn’t think I would enjoy this book. It’s not an idea that really appeals to me. I mean, I was never that ugly as a kid. So, I never really hoped to be beautiful. Maybe it’s a girl thing.

But what got me in this book, was the amazing sci-fi world this author has created. In his Uglies future, the supermodels of our current era are thought of as ugly. I can’t even imagine what the supermodels of their era look like.

But it’s not just that. It’s all the tech that he’s created for this book that’s fascinating. How they make people Pretty. The so-called side effects of it. The food, the clothes, the toys, even the transportation, is new tech that I’ve never heard of. Absolutely amazing.

That being said, the plot in this book is way too convenient. I mean, does this girl really even want to be Pretty? I don’t fucking know. Nobody knows. But she betrays her best friend, and an entire society just so she could be Pretty. What the fuck? Seriously? How does that make any sense at all?

Yeah, okay. At the beginning, it was pretty obvious that Tally desperately wanted to be pretty. But then, she met Shay, who showed her why she should stay the way she is. It’s cool to be different. You have character, and all that good stuff that makes you who you are.

But as soon as there’s a reason to stay Ugly, she goes off and betrays her friend, and all of the rebels, just to have a chance at being Pretty. Yes, okay, she does regret that, after a bit, but still… What the fuck?

Oh nevermind. I just remembered that these are teenagers we’re talking about here. The perfect reason to write Young Adult fiction. Being a teenager conveniently explains just about anything.

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2 of 5 Makes-My-Head-Hurt Stars – The Martian by Andy Weir.

If you like science and math, you will probably love this fucking book. This is part of the reason that I couldn’t stand reading it. So much math, and science and, oh noes, I’m never gonna survive this. But wait, what if I bla bla bla…

I knew just from the description of this book that I definitely couldn’t read it, because it was just one guy’s journey, trying to survive on mars. Where’s the drama? The comedy? The relationships… There are none. It’s just this guy, and his stupid plants. It’s Castaway in space. So, it didn’t interest me as something to read, but I thought I would try the audio book, which some said was even better than the book.

It’s not. The story is the same boring math and science as the book. I mean, I thought it would turn out to be a thrilling adventure story, but it’s not. It’s just this guy stuck on mars. Who gives a fuck? I certainly don’t. I couldn’t even finish the audio book, because it was just this guy, whining like a little bitch, about how he’s completely fucked.

So, I read the stupid thing, instead. Because I like torturing myself, okay? It’s like nipple clamps, this fucking book. But it’s nipple clamps on my brain. There’s this white-hot pain, right behind my forehead. I can’t quite explain it, because I think I may be having a seizure. That’s what happens when I try to do math. I fucking hate math. And, I fucking hate this stupid book.

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5 of 5 Fucked-Up Stars – Off Season by Jack Ketchum.

Wow. Just wow. This motherfucker knows how to write sick and twisted shit. I mean, why the fuck is Stephen King so goddamn popular? Nobody ever had to keep a puke bucket nearby while reading some Stephen King book. But, this motherfucker, Ketchum? Damn straight you better have a bucket handy. Fucking blood and guts everywhere in this guy’s books. It’s fucking awesome.

This is pretty much the standard cabin in the woods type horror story. People go on vacation to this secluded cabin, and all the sudden they’re being hunted by cannibals. But, damn… These cannibals don’t fuck around. Ketchum writes so much detail about how to cut open and eat a freshly killed human, it really makes you wonder. Is this motherfucker a goddamn cannibal?

Visions of naked 12 year old feral kids, fucking and giggling in their cave, while snacking on some freshly killed human flesh will haunt my dreams forever, after reading this book. Thank you, Jack Ketchum for making my mind even more fucked up. I am forever in your debt.

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4 of 5 Sick-And-Depraved Stars – The Girl Next Door by Jack Ketchum.

This is the sickest, most depraved shit I have ever read. I know, there are plenty of sick and twisted books out there, I’ve read many of them. But, all of them pale in comparison to this disturbing book.

A young teenage girl is systematically abused, beaten, tortured and raped throughout this book. But, that’s not really the sick part. It’s the old lady who is enabling all this torment. Getting the neighborhood boys to do the dirty deeds. Offering them Cokes, or candy so they will stick around for the good old fashioned torture of this poor teenage girl.

The boys go from being just harmless bullies in the first part of this book, to being straight up psychopaths by the end. They enjoy torturing this girl. They beg the old woman to let them cut the girl. They’re constantly coming up with new and interesting means of torment.

My eyes were glued to the pages of this book. I couldn’t put it down. The descent into insanity was pure terror, and it was fascinating to read.

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3 of 5 Rape-But-Not-Rape Stars – Hear Me Scream by R.M. James.

This book has lots of action, from the very beginning. It seemed that, with every chapter, there were more ways for the characters to die horrible deaths. Or, end up a sex slave for life.

This is the dystopian story of earth that’s been ravaged by disease. We created our own destruction with genetic engineering. Those that survived the plague, are genetically mutated humans. Bigger. Better. Faster. Some can read minds, others can talk to animals. A select few can even reincarnate, and travel through time.

So, it’s an amazing world, filled with special powers, love, and rebels who like to turn all their captives into sex slaves. Men and women. Something that drove me nuts was all the gay rape. Oral and anal. Like, over and over.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s just that, when it came to raping the women, or even small children, we are spared the details. They just get raped. I mean, no actual descriptions of the semen spilling out of their mouths, like when the men get raped. What gives? I was like, here we go. She’s gonna get it. Oh, what the fuck… “And then they raped her.” That’s it? But when they rape and torture the guys, it’s like pure porn.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for graphic descriptions of guys getting fucked in the ass. It’s just that I’d also like to read about the girls getting raped and tortured. Is that so wrong?

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1 of 5 Die-Bentley-Die Stars – The Influence by Bentley Little.

Bentley Little can go fuck himself. Seriously, this book pissed me off. 416 pages. About 350 pages of bullshit and maybe 66 pages of actual story. So, seriously, go fuck yourself, Bentley Little. I hate your stupid face.

I read this book because someone recommended it. In fact, they said that “Anything by Bentley Little is fucked up and scary as shit”. Now, I want to hunt down the motherfucker that wrote that recommendation and have him explain to me how the fuck this book qualifies as “fucked up and scary as shit”. Because, goddamnit, it’s not.

Okay, it is kind of fucked up, sure. I mean when you actually get to the story part, the 66 pages of story are very fucked up and kind of interesting. That’s the only reason I finished the book. But, goddamnit. Why do I have to wade through 350 pages of utter horseshit in order to get to an actual story?

The ‘story’ bit, when you actually find it, is about a bunch of stupid white-trash red-necks who shoot off their guns, while at some party, and just happen to shoot a demon, or angel, or something, out of the sky. They hide it in the barn, and try to ignore it. But, of course it’s not going to be ignored.

Even though the creature is supposedly dead, it begins to influence the town somehow. Weird things start to happen. All the livestock up and die. The fields turn red. And there’s weird butterflies everywhere.

So yes, there is an actual story in the book somewhere, and it’s actually pretty good, once you get through the 350 pages of garbage. But, seriously, fuck Bentley Little in his stupid hack asshole.

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2 of 5 Non-Alcoholic Stars – Coffee, Tea or Me? by Trudy Baker, Rachel Jones & Donald Bain.

This book is very misleading. When I read the title of this book, I expected a bunch raunchy sluts banging guys left and right. I expected Sluts on a Plane. What I got was more like Little Miss Prissy Goes to Dinner. These so-called sluts never bang anyone. I swear. It’s fucking retarded.

I mean, the subtitle of this book is “The uninhibited memoirs…” Uninhibited my ass. They are prissy little cunts who never fuck anybody. It’s bullshit. I don’t understand how it took 3 stupid-ass authors to completely skull-fuck this story. You’d think that with more authors, comes more creativity, more ideas, more spunk.

But no. There’s no spunk in this book at all. No life. No reason to keep reading it, that’s for sure. If I wasn’t bored out of my fucking mind, waiting for my appointment at the doctor’s office, I never would have finished this poor excuse for a book.

It’s a slightly entertaining read, but only if you like reading about prissy bitches who never put out, which I certainly don’t. It did get a bit interesting when they shared a small apartment with 8 other girls who weren’t quite as prissy. Those girls knew how to party, walking around the place drunk and naked. Good times.

It really is too bad that the book wasn’t about those hardcore party girls. That would have been awesome. But no. It’s just the adventures of the purest prissy bitch of them all. From airline stewardess, to flirty little tramp. Not a slutty tramp, mind you. Just a flirty one. A boring one. A tramp you’d have to say ‘No thanks’ to, because she’s just not worth your time and effort.

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2 of 5 Stinking-Orc Stars – Orconomics by J. Zachary Pike.

Something tells me that if I was not a World of Warcraft player, I might find this book interesting. Because that’s what this book is. World of Warcraft. Imagine that all the NPC characters, and the actual players were in real life, doing quests, running dungeons. Being Orcs and Trolls and Gnomes. Like its their job to do quests and such.

If I didn’t play WoW, this might appeal to me. But as it is, It bores me to tears. Because I’ve played WoW for so long, that it actually bores me to tears; well, until the expansion comes out anyway. But I digress. The real reason this book sucks isn’t that it’s just a WoW story. It sucks because it just isn’t an interesting WoW story. Nothing happens that anyone would care about.

This book is just stupid Orc cunts running around trying to complete their quests. Bargaining with Goblins, because apparently Goblins are Jews or something. They run the banks. They run the mob. They run everything. And Orcs are too goddamn stupid to figure out how to get gold from the goddamn Goblin Jews.

I’m pretty sure there is WoW fanfic that’s 10 times more interesting than this book. So, fuck Orconomics in its dirty stinking Orc butthole. Because any fucking retard can write a more interesting story than this stupid book. There, I said it.

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2 of 5 Still-Better-Than-CSI:NY Stars – The London Project by Mark J. Maxwell.

This could have been a good book. But, it’s not. It’s fucking garbage. Sure, there’s interesting tech and all, but they never did anything interesting with it. I mean, it just turned into a boring CSI episode. Hell, I can make a better story than this stupid book, right here and now.

Take the portal tech, and add a bunch of serial killers going crazy, killing everyone, recording their every move and selling it to the highest bidder. There. A better story than The London Project.

Okay, how about this one… Aliens have been watching all the portal recordings, from everyone in London. They invade, and kidnap all the cool portal kids. Start their own reality TV show called “Portal Kids on Crack”. Hilarity ensues. There. A better story than The London Project.

This book is about a murder, and attempts to solve that murder, using high-tech gadgets from the future. Okay, they’re not ‘from’ the future… This book is set well in the future, where everyone’s brain is connected to the Portal system. It’s like being jacked into the internet, but in a broader scale.

Everything you see, hear, smell, taste, etc. is recorded, and broadcasted to the Portal. It brings a whole new level to porn, that’s for sure. Unfortunately, this book isn’t about porn, which is very sad. It should have been about porn, because at least then, it would have made for an interesting story.

As it is, the story is just a boring episode of CSI. All the cool tech is wasted on a stupid murder mystery. Who the fuck cares? Show me the porn, man! I know there’s got to be tons of Portal porn. Maybe it could have been about how kiddy porn has gotten out of control, because all the goddamn teenagers keep broadcasting their make-out sessions. Yet another storyline that would have been better than The London Project.

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3 of 5 Repetitive-Stars-Repetitive Stars – Inferno by Dan Brown.

It’s really sad that Dan Brown’s books have become so formulaic. Somebody dies, or in this case, wounded. Langdon meets some beautiful, intelligent woman who has all the answers to some conspiracy. They run from the cops/gangsters/secret society goons and she slowly reveals the evil plot to destroy the world. But they must hurry! Quickly, quickly! This clue says to go over there. No, there! Etc etc ad nauseam.

That’s what happens in The DaVinchi Code, that’s what happens in Angels & Demons, and that’s what happens in this book, Inferno. Sure, everything is different in the end. There are always surprises at the end of the book, and this one actually did surprise me. I was about to put the book down, thinking, Okay then, they solved it. Right? Not even. It keeps going for another 100 pages or so.

It’s about some asshole scientist, who decides there’s too many goddamn people in the world. So, he builds a bomb. A virus bomb, that will infect the whole human race with some magic bug that will make everyone infertile. Well, mostly everyone. Like 10% of the population will still be able to produce crotch fruit.

So there’s this whole plot thing, for Langdon to solve, and save the world. Just like in every other goddamn Langdon book. And guess what? He saves the world. Because, of course he does. What else could have possibly happened? I mean, what’s the point in even reading the goddamn book, when I know what’s going to happen in the end?

Not much point, really. But the journey still makes for an interesting read. It was worth reading, I guess. To pass the time, it’s okay. To entertain, not so much. Because it really is just the same book as all the others.

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