Archive for November, 2014


3 of 5 Perfectly Normal Stars – The Psychopath Test.

It’s comforting to know that I am not, in fact, a psychopath. I wasn’t quite sure, until I read this book. It gives you a definitive answer.

Part of me was hoping that I was a psychopath, because it would sure explain why I’m so fucked in the head. Apparently, just being a crazy person that thinks about killing people all the time, does not make me a psychopath. In fact, I learned from this book that there is a really short answer to the question: Am I a psychopath? If you think you might be a psychopath, you are not one. It’s that simple. So, you don’t even have to read this book now. I saved you some time.

But, if you think: Fuck that noise! I’m not a goddamn psychopath. I’m just smarter and better than all you fuckers. Then, you might want to read this book. Because you’re probably a goddamn psychopath.

So, fuck psychopaths in their dirty assholes. Or don’t. Because, if you’re close enough to fuck their dirty asshole, they’re probably going to kill you. Then fuck your dirty asshole. Because they’re sick like that.

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4 of 5 Sick-Ass Stars – The Troop by Nick Cutter.

This book starts out as a fascinating story about a drunk guy, down on his luck. He agrees to take part in a medical experiment which goes horribly wrong. He escapes to a small town, where he sits down at a diner and eats plate after plate of food, because he has this unending NEED TO FEED.

Ok, great set-up. Then what happens? He goes to a deserted island, for no apparent reason. Well, he expects it to be deserted, but there’s a Boy Scout Troop of kids, with their Scoutmaster, camping near the beach.

This is what I don’t get: why the bloody fuck did he go to the island? The food that he desperately NEEDED was in the town. So, what motivation would make him go to an island, which probably had no food? It doesn’t make any fucking sense. Unless, of course, he just went there to die, which I doubt.

So, the Scoutmaster just happens to be a doctor. Isn’t that convenient for the plot? Of course it is.

I’m waiting on the edge of my seat to find out what happens to this guy when… The fucking kids go on a goddamn hike for like 100 goddamn pages. And, the Scoutmaster stayed behind to care for their sick guest.

What the fuck? What happened to the guy? We don’t get back to the Scoutmaster and the sick guy for another goddamn 100 or so fucking pages. This drove me absolutely crazy. Reading about the goddamn kids trying to get their fucking merit badges. I don’t fucking care. Get back to the fucking interesting guy already!

That being said, it’s an awesome book. Once they get back to the sick guy, things get crazy, and I couldn’t put it down. It was so engaging, all the way to the end.

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2 of 5 Sleepy Stars – The Sleeping Warrior by Sara Bain.

This book is just a really bad Law & Order episode. And I fucking hate Law & Order. Can’t stand that stupid show. This book does have some supernatural elements, but still, it’s mostly procedural bullshit.

The book starts like this: some guy shows up at a police station in London, looking like a bum, smelling like a bum, and pretty much ruining everyone’s day. So, this lawyer chick comes to the rescue, at like 2 AM in the morning. Who needs a lawyer at 2 AM? Nobody does.

The lawyer chick finds out that this bum that’s been thrown in the drunk tank is very special. He’s like some ancient immortal warrior or some shit, who’s looking for some stone that will destroy the world if it’s not dealt with.

Okay… Who the fuck cares? It’s like this whole book is some plot point that somebody pulled out of their ass, while tripping balls on acid. Or maybe it’s from a dream, after a long night of partying with cheap scotch. Who the fuck knows. All I know is, it fucking sucks.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s written very well. I’m sure some people would love this book. It’s got romance, intrigue, mystery, suspense… I mean, if you like Law & Order, you’ll probably love this goddamn book. It just wasn’t my cup of tea.

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New New Thing, The.indd

4 of 5 Dusty Stars – The New New Thing by Michael Lewis.

After reading this book, I wanted to read everything Michael Lewis every wrote. Then, I found out he loves baseball, or some shit, and wrote a bunch of baseball books. Fuck that shit. Baseball sucks.

But, this book is fucking awesome. Lewis weaves a thrilling tale, with fascinating characters, just like a novel. Of how the west was won. How did all those big start-ups succeed, and why did those epic failures fail. As an entrepreneur, I find this book absolutely thrilling.

This book is mostly about the amazing, or maybe just very lucky, Jim Clark. He started three different billion dollar companies. Like a boss. Silicon Graphics, Netscape, and Healtheon (WebMD). He started all those fucking companies, and made shit tons of dough in the process.

How the fuck Netscape made billions of dollars, I’ll never understand. It’s even detailed in this book, but I still don’t get it. Pretty much everyone that worked at Netscape became a millionaire overnight, when it went public. The company didn’t make a profit. In fact, it lost millions, hand over fist. But, because of the IPO, everyone got rich.

Then Jimmy boy got bored, and went on to found WebMd. It’s amazing what you can do with a few billion dollars these days. Jim Clark just kept building more and more companies, and got lucky as fuck. Because how was he to know what company would really make it big? Is he a fucking genius, or just very, very lucky? Nobody knows.

If you don’t give a shit about business, or start-ups, or tech in any way, you will probably find this book boring as fuck. But, for the rest of us, there’s nothing better. It’s a great, fun romp of a book.

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5 of 5 Gory-As-Fuck Stars – Vengeance is Mine by Leon Opio.

This novella would make an awesome horror movie. It’s about someone who gets abused in a mental hospital. They’re raped and tortured in the institution from 13, until their 18th birthday. Then, they set out for revenge on the bitches and assholes who put them there.

The story starts out with 4 people held captive in an abandoned mill. They each are restrained in their own sparse room, which is wired for video and sound, so they can witness the torture of the others who were part of the mental hospital conspiracy.

Throughout the story, we are treated to the detailed torture and eventual execution of these sick individuals. But, it’s not just mindless torture porn. There’s a story behind each of these subjects, and it is relayed with such detail, that by the end of each subject’s story – how and why they got this person institutionalized – you, the reader, are cheering for their horrible deaths.

This is a gripping and compelling tale which had me hanging on every word. This is a rare thing for me, as I am always looking for the worst faults in books. But this book gave me the one thing that I’m always longing for in a horror story. It gave me a villain who turned out to be a hero.

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4 of 5 Crazy-Awesome Stars – Balec by James Austin McCormick.

I didn’t think much of this book, from just looking at the cover. I mean the cover is retarded, right? It’s like some five year old made it or something, with crayons. Because of the cover, I was prepared to delve into another tome of garbage, when this book surprised the hell out of me. It’s actually quite good, and well written.

It’s the story of Adam Chance, a private detective, who has just found out that his son has been hanging out with the wrong people, most notably, a gang/cult who just happen to dabble in black magic. It turns out that this cult works for an evil overlord who is hell bent on taking over the world with an ancient demon. And, just guess who gets to be the new host for this super powerful demon? Come on, guess. You got it! Detective Chance’s son.

Okay, so the story doesn’t sound that spectacular, but trust me, it is. The characters have depth that is well thought out. Hell, even the thugs in this story have actual motivation. It’s crazy how real this story feels, given that its steeped in sorcery.

Don’t take my word for it, just read the first few pages of this book, and see for yourself. Goddamnit, I’m supposed to be finding things wrong with books. It’s my job to tear books to shreds, and let the world know how much they suck. But, dammit all… This book is fucking awesome. There, I said it.

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5 of 5 Kick-Ass Stars – Survive Ruinland by C.J. Anderson.

This is an excellent short story. Of course, it doesn’t make much sense, if you haven’t already read the first story, Enter Ruinland. The series is about a post-apocalyptic world, with people trying to survive the after effects of nuclear war.

This second installment in the series is about our hero Lauren Vasquez, freshly escaped from a survival bunker, where the A.I had gone mad. It started to kill everyone it thought was defective. Vasquez escaped, with her ‘defective’ unborn child.

Now, in her new bunker, she tells her superiors about the crazed A.I., back at her old base. The A.I. at this new bunker decides that the murderous A.I. at the other bunker needs to be dealt with, so it sends a military squad off to battle hot crazy metal.

I found this author’s grasp of A.I. completely fascinating. How the synthetics use logic to come to a conclusion, and how a machine can actually enjoy killing humans. It was a very engaging read, and I would recommend it to anyone who’s a fan of sci-fi.

I don’t usually hand out 5 stars, so when I do, I fucking mean it.

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4 of 5 Synthetic-Stars – Enter Ruinland by C.J. Anderson

This story is fascinating. There’s an underground bunker with 70 people, who are all trying to survive the nuclear apocalypse. A central A.I. named Sophia controls the bunker, like HAL 9000 on crack. The A.I. even has its own henchman, a synthetic humanoid named Chiron, who carries out Sophia’s commands.

Apparently, Sophia is on the rag or something, because she/it has gone completely bat-shit insane. She thinks it’s her job to purify the human race, to ensure the perfect evolution of humanity. So, she goes through the blood samples of her 70 inhabitants and find 20 or so that do not meet her perfect standard.

Of course, the only way to purify the group of humans, is to kill off the ones that don’t meet the qualifications. So, she has her henchman go around and lop off people’s heads all willy-nilly. In fact, Chiron gets a sick thrill out of killing humans.

It’s kind of funny that Sophia’s plan to rid the human race of sociopaths is actually creating a synthetic sociopath in the process.

There is one thing about this book that really drove me fucking nuts. The author, for whatever reason, doesn’t believe in “quote marks”. None of the dialog in this book has any quote marks. There’s absolutely no way to tell who the fuck is talking in any given conversation. If the story wasn’t so goddamn compelling, I would have stopped reading early on, because of the author’s strange style.

But, I persisted, and I’m glad I did. I can’t wait to read the next book in this series.

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3 of 5 Party-Girl Stars – Endless Night by R.M. Gilmore.

Jesus tap-dancing Christ… Endless Night, that’s what this fucking book is. Just an endless fucking party. Seriously, let me break it down for you:

Chapter 1-4, getting to the fucking party.
Chapter 5-10 getting drunk at the party and being a mega bitch, and pissing off some voodoo priestess.
Chapter 11-12 finally leaving the party. Lots of puking. At some point, she passes out next to some hot guy, and doesn’t even get a piece of that hot dick. What the fuck?
Chapter 13-Whatever… just this stupid fat bitch running around, crying, getting drunk, puking, trying to get away from the voodoo chick. Trying to out-bitch the voodoo bitch, which just ain’t gonna happen. Don’t get me wrong, our hero, the fat skank Dylan, is a royal bitch, but this voodoo slut has got the serious stink eye.

Then we get to the James Bond bit. You know, the bit where the voodoo bitch lays out her whole plan. She goes on about all the shit that happened in the first book, The Scene. So, apparently, this voodoo bitch needs skanky whore blood from blond bitches in L.A. to fuel her evil empire. Who knew?

And who the fuck cares? Would it be too hard to write another original story with this crazy Dylan bitch, and her trusty side kick Tatum? Why does it have to be the same fake-vampire story, with just a bit of voodoo thrown in? I don’t fucking care about the dead cum dumpsters in L.A., I care about this new story in New Orleans, goddamnit. That’s why I’m reading this book. I already read the last book, so I don’t need that shit again. Fuck.

That being said, it’s still a fun book to read. I mean who doesn’t want to read about stupid bitches getting drunk and fucked up. And, for some reason, I just love reading about Dylan going full-on bitch mode, and getting in everyone’s face. It’s fucking awesome.

And hell, you just gotta love it when she busts out quips like this one: “Well, fuck me with a flip flop!” Ahh Dylan… I hope you never change.

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2 of 5 Walking-Dead Stars – Killing The Dead by Richard Murray.

This novella is just a very poor episode of The Walking Dead. Hell, they even end up in an old farm house, just like The Walking Dead.

Of course, in this story, we have a serial killer named Ryan as our narrator. Oh, nifty! It’s like totally original, right? Well, considering he’s actually compared to Dexter in this story, because of Ryan’s so-called code of killing, it’s really not so original. Because, Ryan doesn’t kill just anybody. He only kills people who deserve it. Oh, and zombies, of course. Just like Dexter!

The problem is, this story doesn’t have any of the depth of character as even the worst of The Walking Dead episodes. I spent the entire time reading this story, hoping they would all die a horrible death. I kept thinking, maybe they will die while getting burned alive, while being eaten by zombies, while being raped by hung black guys.

One can only hope, right? Oh, and don’t get me started on this guy’s use of the word ‘whilst’, as in: “Cover me, whilst I chop at these zombies with my cleaver.” Or, “Whilst I gathered canned goods, the girls were busy cooking upstairs.” Or, “Whilst I jack off in this girl’s face, make sure to take a selfie, at just the right moment, whilst I ejaculate.”

Okay, sure, I know this story is set in London, or somewhere in Britain, but come on man. The word has its uses, I’m sure, but not in every goddamn paragraph, for fuck’s sake.

Please excuse me, whilst I wipe me bum with this stupid story.

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