Sicker Bastards – isn’t as sick as it seems

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2 of 5 Not-So-Sick Stars – Sicker Bastards by Matt Shaw.

This book tries really hard to be sick and twisted. And it fails miserably. I’ve read sick and twisted, and this is not it, not by a long shot. But the author does try very hard. He’s just not good at it.

The story begins with the “family” eating human flesh. As the son feasts on said flesh, he can’t help but wonder what it would taste like, being eaten out of his sister’s vagina. See? He’s trying really hard, this Matt Shaw. The son even acts out that fantasy with his sister, a few pages later. And yes, if that was in fact his sister, that would be a bit twisted, I admit. But *spoiler alert* she’s not his sister.

This “family” has apparently been assembled as part of a government experiment, or something. They all woke up in that house, not knowing who they were. They also woke up extremely horny. Supposedly, because of the drug cocktail that the government used to dose this family’s drinking water. So there’s incestuous fucking going on all bloody day. Good times. But again, it’s not really incestuous.

The book cuts back and forth, between current time, and the before time. Before the son got in this situation. Back when he was living in his mom’s basement. I saw many opportunities for the author to make it clear that this so-called “family” the son is currently involved with is in fact, his real family.

That would have been cool. I mean the only reason he’s really fucking his fake sister and mother is that he knows they are fake. He’s been to the military base. He knows the truth. So, if his memories finally did come flooding back, and he slowly realizes that he’s humping his dead real-mom’s corpse… That would have been some good story telling right there. But noooooooooo.

So the problem with this book is really the fact that I’m writing a better story in my head while reading this pile of shit. That’s not my job, goddamnit. It’s the author’s fucking job. So get it right next time, you stupid cunt.

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Assault Ruinland – leaves a huge pile of bodies

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4 of 5 Bad-Ass-Chick Stars – Assault Ruinland by C.J. Anderson

This is a great conclusion to this series. By itself, this is just a short story, at 28 pages. But it’s still an awesome story, full of action and intrigue.

This story of Ruinland is about the heroic Lauren Vasquez. But it’s hard to call her a hero, because she pretty much kills everyone that she comes in contact with. Hey, how are you doin’? BAM! Shot to the face. Oh, you’re bleeding. Would you like some help? BAM! Headshot. She’s a cold hearted bitch.

Vasquez escapes the bunker and runs off to find an airship so she can get the hell out of dodge. Apparently there’s a safe haven somewhere in Canada, and she’s damn determined to get there. So she kills everyone she meets, until she gets to the docking bay. Then, the real killing begins.

There really is a hell of a lot of action packed into these tight 28 pages. It’s well worth reading. Especially if you’ve read the rest of the series, as I have.

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The Agony of the Gods – is fascinating AND boring

3 of 5 Godless Stars – The Agony of the Gods by Tom Wolosz.

This is a fascinating book. And, at the same time, it’s boring as fuck. Because, the sci-fi elements in this book, the technology, is amazing. But the story is just plain stupid. And unfortunately, the tech is not good enough to carry the entire book. It’s good enough for a short story, but just sucks the life-force out of this book.

It’s the story of The Machine, and the chaos it’s created, throughout the universe. The Machine is a man-made device that basically turned man into Gods. Because it allowed man to achieve anything. To create their own worlds. Create their own people. Create their own universe.

This book is centered around the slaves of these Gods. The police, who call themselves Enforcers. The Enforcers were called into existence by the Gods purely for amusement. Apparently. Just to see what they could, in fact, enforce. If anything. Imagine sending a puny slave up against a God. Comedy gold, right? Not so much.

The problem with this book is that the majority of it is about training one of these slaves to be an Enforcer. And it’s slow as fuck. I mean, it’s just such mundane shit. What do you want for breakfast? Would you like some tea? How about some nice hot broth, to soothe your stomach? Who gives a bloody fuck. Kill something, for fuck’s sake.

I mean, if the Gods created these Enforcers for entertainment purposes, they must be surely disappointed. Because they really are boring as fuck. They’d make shitty reality TV, that’s for sure. There’s no sex, no deceit, no conflict at all really. So what’s the fucking point?

Yes, the technology in this book is fascinating. And it’s a compelling read, learning about The Machine, and its history. But that’s it. That’s all that’s worth reading in this book. And unfortunately, that’s just a short story. A book, it does not make

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The Woman – like all women, she’s scary

4 of 5 Sick-As-Fuck Stars – The Woman by Jack Ketchum and Lucky McKee.

This book was fucking crazy. Because, I just couldn’t wrap my head around the concept. I get some single guy doing this shit, but a family man? And the fucking guy just brings his family down to the basement and introduces them to this savage beast of a woman? Crazy man. Just fucking crazy.

This is the story of The Woman, who gets abducted from her cave, and is dragged back to this man’s house, where he chains her up in his basement. Like you do. She’s some kind of savage animal-woman. She only speaks a couple words of english, and she’s strong as a motherfucker. The man finds out soon enough, as she bites his finger off the first few minutes she’s down in his basement.

As the story progresses, we find that the man, sure enough, is a sick and twisted fuck. He got his 16 year old daughter pregnant from pounding that sweet teen pussy every night. He beats the ever-loving shit out of his poor, pathetic wife. And, it turns out that his teenage son is turning out to be just like him. A rapist asshole.

Pretty much anyone can guess what happens in the end of this story. There really are no surprises. Okay, I take that back. There was one surprise. Nothing that had to do with The Woman, but a big surprise nonetheless. But what happens to The Woman is no surprise at all. I saw that shit coming a mile away. That was the only fault I could find with this book. Otherwise, it had me hanging on every word.

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Super Nobody – is super boring

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2 of 5 Suck-Fest Stars – Super Nobody by Brent Meske

Apparently, this book was specifically written to be kid-friendly. In other words, there’s no profanity. Well, fuck that shit. But it also seemed that it wasn’t just profanity that was kept out of the book. Pretty much anything that any parent might find offensive, is left out of this book. So what’s left is a total suck-fest.

With the premise of this book, you’d think that there would be some fun to be had. I mean, the story centers around a Junior High which is stocked full of teenage super-heroes. Well, not all of them are super-heroes. Some have yet to activate, like the main kid the story is centered around.

Why the bloody fuck do you write a story about super-heroes, only to center on the one kid who isn’t one? Just to piss me off? It’s working.

So imagine the X-Men school, with all the mutants, and awesomeness. That’s what this school is supposed to be, but without the awesomeness. Just boring-ass normal everyday bullshit teenage crap. This kid gets picked on at school. Who cares? Girls can’t stand to be near him. Big fucking deal. Welcome to teenage life, you stupid fuck.

I don’t understand how the hell this author took a perfectly good idea and completely skull fucked it. Sure, there is a bit of super-hero stuff here and there, but for the most part, it’s just a retarded story. There just isn’t enough super bits to make up for the sucky bits.

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Extras – has too many extras

3 of 5 Extra Girly Stars – Extras by Scott Westerfeld

This book is aptly titled, because it doesn’t need to exist. It’s like a forced book, in an otherwise decent series. It really should have ended with Specials. But nooo… Authors gots to get paid, right?

This book is the story of Aya Fuse, and her obsession with being famous. It’s kind of a social media type story. The cool kids, known as “kickers” are always kicking stories to the ‘net, to get fame, or what reddit would call karma, or something.

It’s stupid. It’d definitely a teeny-bopper thing. Getting your selfie noticed on facebook, or doing something stupid and filming it for youtube. That’s what happens for the majority of this book, just Aya filming stupid shit with her hover-drone, and posting it to wherever in order to get followers, or fame.

And of course, there’s some plot to destroy the world, that she happens to stumble upon. This makes her uber-famous, and she gets to live the high-life for a while, until Tally and Shay show up. The bitches from the previous books. I’m not sure what the fuck they’re doing in this book, because their history in the series has absolutely nothing to do with this story.

I really think the author should have either continued his story with Tally and Shay, or started a completely new series in this awesome world he’s created. Because that world is awesome, filled with spectacular sci-fi elements and technology.

But no. He had to go and skull fuck the series with this book. It just doesn’t belong in the series. And, in the end, it’s just a stupid fucking story about an obsessed teenage girl. It’s not near as interesting as the previous books. So, don’t bother with this one. Just end it with Specials, and call it a day.

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The Compleat Bolo – has too many idiots

2 of 5 Puny Human Stars – The Compleat Bolo by Keith Laumer

The only people I cared about in this book were not people. They were machines. Robots. Toasters. Whatever. The people in this book, the actual human characters suck donkey balls. I mean they’re just so bad. But the robots… Oh my god. Love ’em. They’re articulate and intelligent. They have more feeling than any of the stupid humans running them.

This is the story of a war. A war fought mostly by robots. A war that would have been won, had the dumbfucks just let the robots do what they wanted, and whoop some motherfucking ass. But nooo.

Instead, we’ve got some idiot rednecks running these robots, and they don’t know what the bloody fuck they’re doing. And the robots even tell these guys “Hey man, we should really kill those guys over there. They’re totally going to destroy us if you keep fucking around.”

But the dumbfuck rednecks are too goddamn stupid to listen to the robots. “Fuck that thar robot. He ain’t no nothin’ ’bout na gadnumb war fightin’.” That’s how these rednecks talk in this book. And it’s annoying as fuck.

I’m still glad I read this book. The robots are fascinating. They have real intelligence, and even feelings. They get sad when their fellow robots get destroyed. They actually fear their own demise.

The problem is, that’s like 5% of this book. The rest is utter garbage. I really wish this had just been a short story about robots. Unfortunately, the robot bits are strewn within this pile of rubbish. It makes me a sad robot.

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The Kingdom Lights – are not that bright

3 of 5 Not-So-Bad Stars – The Kingdom Lights by Steven V.S.

My wife reviewed this book and told me, in no uncertain terms, that I definitely would not like this book. “Too much exposition for you,” she said. So…

I found this book interesting. It was a nice Young Adult story, about a young boy coming of age, and learning of the magic he possesses.

The problem with this book is that the story just wasn’t interesting enough for me to care. Nobody was going to die. There wasn’t any real fear in this story. No real dangerous conflict. I really found no real urgency throughout the entire book. Nothing to dare me to read further. Nothing really compelling.

But is it any good? Lets put it this way: It’s not bad. And hey, thats more than I can say for lots of other books.

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The Phone Company – rules your life

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4 of 5 Lovecraftian Stars – The Phone Company by David Jacob Knight.

This is a very interesting book. I really didn’t think I would like it, because the title is just plain retarded. It doesn’t do the story any justice. Because, it’s a fascinating story. And, if you’re addicted to your smartphone, like most people are, this book may very well scare the living shit out of you.

This book is the story of how The Phone Company is controlling everyone’s lives. I mean, literally. Because their new super fancy phone, the Tether, actually connects to your brain, and allows the Provider to control you like a motherfucking drone.

It’s also the story of one man who refuses to sign up with this new Provider. He likes his old Nokia phone just fine, thank you very much. So, he’s the only one in town that isn’t a mindless zombie. And it’s up to him to stop the Provider from making his son and several other children kill themselves as sacrifices to the Provider.

What? Sacrifices to a cell phone provider? What the bloody fuck is going on? When did the Provider turn into a goddamn religion that requires sacrifices? This part of the book made absolutely no fucking sense. There was no reason for it.

I mean, there’s this great story, with apps that allow you to spy on everyone in town. Hell, there’s even an app to strangle someone’s cat. And someone uses an app to pilot a plane, and crash it into the local middle school. So the story is great, without the religious Provider nonsense. I think it would have been a much better book, if it had just stuck with the awesome sci-fi elements, and left the religion and fantasy out of it.

That being said, it’s still a compelling read. I’d highly recommend it to anyone who is paranoid about their cellphones running their lives. Or anyone who’s paranoid about google knowing their every thoughts. Because it’s true. Google knows everything about you. Your deepest, darkest secrets. Nothing is safe anymore.

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The Last Town – is the worst town

4 of 5 Horrifying Future Stars – The Last Town by Blake Crouch.

This book was non-stop action. From the very beginning, people were running for their lives. Real monsters were let into this small community, and they were hungry as fuck. People were dying, left and right, until the gate was finally closed, and the real fun began.

This really is the story of the last town on earth. It’s two thousand years in the future. Some eccentric billionaire decided back in 2012, that the human race was doomed. So he recruited a couple hundred people to go to sleep in a cryo chamber, to wake up two thousand years later. Hoping that the evils of the world had gone.

But of course, that’s not gonna happen. Two thousand years from now, humans may be extinct, but something much worse has taken their place. A human-beast hybrid that’s now the dominate life form on earth.

But these couple hundred people are a determined folk, so they build their town, and surround it with a huge electric fence, to keep the monsters at bay. But the eccentric billionaire gets bored with his creation. So he turns off the power, and opens the gates, for the monsters to flood in, and feast on sweet human flesh.

In the end, the asshole billionaire gets his comeuppance, and the remaining survivors decide to ditch this fucked up future. So they get back in their cryo tubes, and look forward to what horrible monsters may await them in seventy thousand years.

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