Archive for December, 2014

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3 of 5 Freaky and Disgusting Stars – The Bighead by Edward Lee

I thought I knew all about sick and twisted things, before I read this book. I mean, I thought there were rules. I’ve read plenty of sick and twisted books in the past, but most of them have a line they will not cross. For instance, most of the time, if some serial killer picks up an underage girl and drags her off to his lair, you’re not gonna get too many details of that encounter. It’s gonna be some pussy-whipped ending to a chapter. He gets her to his lair, and then…

Authors usually leave those gory details out. I guess they’re too scared to write about gang raping a 12 year old girl. Or boy, for that matter. But Edward Lee is not one of those authors. He’ll tell you every gory detail about that experience. How the boy tasted his sister’s shit on his dad’s cock, while his dad raped his mouth.

But that’s just one small example. There’s so much gore and debauchery in this book, it literally is torture porn. I mean, it’s not just torture that some may find erotic. It’s seriously graphic torture and graphic rape over and over and over. It’s real fucking porn.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I have to give Lee props for really going to town on this story, and not holding back at all. I rather enjoyed reading it. For the most part, it was absolutely fascinating. And I have to admit that I got wood more than once while reading this thing. Yes, I’m a sick and twisted pervert. What of it?

The only thing that really bothered me about this book wasn’t the gore or the porn, it was the fucked up style of prose that the author went with. Most of the book is written in broken redneck like english which was really annoying as fuck to read. But I understood why it was written that way. Because these sick fucks are backwoods idiots who can’t talk right. Or something.

But the bit that really gets me is that every time there’s a scene with a redneck, it’s always written with that same broken english prose. I get using that style with one guy. Especially with The Bighead himself. It was like an inner monologue or something. But for the rest of the redneck characters?

It was weird, because he gave those characters unique traits. They had their own voice, their own dialog and such, their own characteristics. So why the same goddamn prose? The only characters in this book who had normal style prose were the so-called “city folk”. So Lee kept switching back and forth, between these two styles, and it drove me absolutely bat-shit insane.

I’d recommend this book to anyone who thinks they are a sick and twisted pervert. Because you fucks don’t know what sick and twisted means, until you read this disgusting book.

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3 of 5 Puke-Inducing Stars – Cows by Matthew Stokoe.

This is the most vile and disgusting book I’ve ever read. By far. It’s like the author wrote this book for the sole purpose of being sick and twisted. Nevermind having a story. There’s no reason for a story when the reader can barely get through a sentence without puking their guts out, right?

This is the story of Steven, who is pretty much bat-shit insane from the very beginning. He believes he is being poisoned by his disgusting Hagbeast of a mother. Because she feeds him nasty slop that’s not even fit to feed the pigs. He can’t just turn his nose up and not eat it, because the Hagbeast makes sure that he’s eaten every bite.

Steven is the bane of his mother’s existence. She hates him. And Dog. She fucking hates the dog, who is called “Dog” for whatever reason. I mean, how hard is it to name your fucking dog? She pisses on Dog, and kicks him around, even though its hind legs don’t even work. It pulls itself around the house by its front paws, like a pathetic little invilid.

Steven hates the Hagbeast as well. So one day, he’s decided he’s had enough. So he says “Fuck you, ma! I’m doing the cooking from now on. You can’t poison me anymore.” So he goes into the kitchen and tries to find something to make, but he decides that he just can’t cook. So he does the next best thing. He goes into the bathroom with two plates, and comes out with two plates full of shit. He sets them down on the table, one in front of the Hagbeast, and one in front of himself.

“Eat up ma,” he says. Now, the Hagbeast is not stupid. No sir. She tells him that there’s no way she’s eating what he’s prepared, unless he eats it as well. So, he takes a bite. And the Hagbeast starts shoving the shit into her ugly face, only to puke all over the kitchen table.

That part is disgusting, yes. But that’s just the beginning. It gets so much worse from then on. And then, Steven learns how to communicate with cows, for some reason. I guess, because they want him to kill their tormentor, Cripps. Because Cripps rapes them before and after killing them, at the factory.

That whole storyline seemed pretty fucking stupid. Frankly, the whole book is fucking retarded. It goes from a guy who hates his mother, to a guy who wants the perfect picket fence life, with his insane girlfriend, to a guy who’s learned to murder, and enjoy it, to a guy who talks to cows and believes that he’s their leader.

So the only point I can see to this book, is that brits are sick and twisted fucks. I mean, we knew that already. We didn’t really need this detailed description of the how and why they’re sick and twisted.

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2 of 5 Stupid-Ass Stars – Bird Box by Josh Malerman.

This book seems like the author just got fucking lazy. He wanted to write a post-apocalyptic story, where the world has been overrun by terrifying monsters. What kind of monsters are they? Nobody can say. Because this author is too fucking lazy to create an actual monster.

This book is about an invisible threat. Monsters, or aliens, or some guy with a shotgun, who the fuck knows. It’s just a threat that drives people completely fucking insane if they happen to catch a glimpse of it. There are reports of people who ventured outside, saw the unseeable, and ended up butchering anyone they came in contact with. Because this threat is just soooo scary.

I say, bullshit. It’s not scary at all, it’s just fucking stupid. There are no reports of actual monsters mauling anyone. As far as I can tell, the only monsters are just crazy humans.

So the whole world has decided that the only solution to this problem is to lock themselves in their house, cover the windows, and never, EVER look outside, whatever you do. If they do go outside, people put on blindfolds, or something, to cover their eyes, so they don’t see what horror lies in the shadows.

The only reason I kept reading this book was to finally find some answers. I really just wanted to know what the fuck was actually happening. Were there really monsters? Had the earth been invaded by terrifying aliens? Or, are people just plain stupid?

Nobody knows. The questions were never answered. So I’m left thinking, I should have never read this stupid goddamn book. Because, it’s not really a story. It’s missing that crucial element of fear. Something to actually be afraid of.

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4 of 5 Psychotic Stars – The Yoga Sutras by Jackson Radcliffe.

This book is fascinating, in the weirdest ways. It’s like an atheist transgender priest is giving a sermon on the meaning of life, and how one can attain enlightenment. Or something. That’s how much sense this book doesn’t make. And at the same time, it makes perfect sense.

It’s the subtle journey of one man’s descent into madness. His beautiful wife suggests he take a Yoga class, to help him deal with his many issues. He takes the Yoga class, because he’s incapable of saying no to his wife. Hell, he’s incapable of saying no to anyone, really.

He’s really just a pathetic loser, trying to make sense of his fucked up life. His wife hates him. His daughter hates him. His goldfish hate him. His SatNAV definitely hates him. And, he’s pretty sure that his wife is, in fact, the devil.

Poor Dave gets so distraught that women rule his life, that he starts to think about becoming one himself. He reads up about it, how the penis can actually be turned into a vagina, and all that good stuff. He goes online, and chats up some transgender freaks who politely tell him to “Fuck off!”

Just as I was sure that this poor sap was about to take a hatchet to lop off his dick, he comes back to his senses, and is again sure that his wife must be killed, because she is, in fact, the devil. But, he can’t think of a good way to kill her. So he asks his SatNAV, as you do. The navigation system in his car proceeds to break down the many ways he could kill his wife. Most of which involved motor vehicles.

Then Dave comes to his senses again, and decides just to poison her instead of running her over with the Jag, or shoving her off a cliff, or choking her to death. Mostly because his SatNAV told him he was too much of a pussy to pull it off.

Needless to say, this book was fucking hilarious. It actually had me laughing out loud. If I had any weed or LSD, I’d totally read this book while on that shit. It’d be a mad trip, for sure.

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3 of 5 Super-Gay Stars – A World Without Princes by Soman Chainani.

This isn’t quite as good as the first book in this series. However, it’s even more gay, if that’s even possible. I mean, in the first book, Agatha and Sophie were totally hot for each other. In this book, Sophie becomes a prince, with the help of a nifty spell. And, of course, as a boy, she ends up making out with another boy. As you do.

This book is the story of boys vs. girls, instead of good vs. evil. At the beginning, it seems that Agatha and Sophie aren’t completely happy with their fairy tale lesbian lifestyle. Each of them still long for something else. Agatha longs for the love of her prince, and Sophie wishes to be reunited with her long-dead mother.

Because of these wishes, their fairy tale is undone, and they are whisked back to their school which has been divided into a school for boys, and a school for girls. And each side is at war with each other. There is a bounty out for the heads of both Agatha and Sophie.

To me, this book seemed like it was forced. It was like the author couldn’t think of a follow-up book, so someone suggested this stupid idea of boys vs. girls, and he just forced it into being. Which really sucks, because the first book was awesome. It was so good, I can kind of understand the frustration in coming up with anything that would do it justice.

I really wish the author would have just left the first book alone. Just kept it a stand-alone novel, instead of forcing it into a series. But we can’t all have what we want, can we? Fuck no. So I don’t get a perfect lesbo fairy tale follow-up book. Big fucking deal.

It’s still kind of cool and funny watching the prince fall in love with boy-Sophie. When Agatha caught them kissing, the prince went all “It was an accident! I swear! I’m totally not gay, babe. Seriously. Any guy would have made the same mistake. I mean, look at this guy. He’s so hot, right? He’s nearly a girl, I swear. It’s totally not gay…” And on and on. Methinks he protests too much.

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2 of 5 Zombified Stars – The Girl with All the Gifts by M.R. Carey.

Why are there so many fucking zombie stories? So many different varieties, but zombies nonetheless. From the title, and book cover, and even the blurb, I couldn’t tell that this was going to be a zombie story. In fact, I imagined a completely different story. A better story.

I thought this book was going to be about a girl who really had all the gifts. Like, maybe she had some form of ESP. Maybe she could set fires with her mind. Hell, she could have been like Rogue, from X-Men and I wouldn’t have been too surprised. Because, that’s what I expected. A girl with gifts.

But that’s not what this book is about. It’s about goddamn fucking zombies. Or, “hungries” as they’re called in this book. They have an insatiable hunger for human flesh, and if one of them bites you, guess what, you become a hungry one too. So, they’re zombies. Goddamn fucking zombies. I really don’t get this craze. Are there really no more original stories anymore? The author could have made this a unique story, without zombies, but no.

It’s even like he tried to make it an original story. Because these aren’t typical zombies. About 1% of them are fully functioning people, still able to talk and interact, like this gifted girl. But she still has the hunger. She still eats human flesh, and finds it the most amazing thing she’s ever experienced, but she feels really bad about it.

This book is about a select few of these human-like zombies, who are being kept, and educated at an army base. Well, not really educated, mostly they’re just test subjects for the government to probe and dissect, in hopes to find a cure to the hunger. Well, that’s great, but the base gets overrun by the hungries, and the gifted girl has to flee, with her teacher, a scientist, and a Sergeant. It’s like Gilligan’s Island, but with zombies. Oh, and there’s not really an island.

They run around the countryside, trying to find shelter and avoiding as many hungries as they can. It ends up being a constant battle for survival, like every other goddamn zombie story out there. In the end, there is an impressive showdown with the naked gifted girl, and a young boy with a baseball bat. It reminded me a lot of that old Star Trek episode, where there are only kids left alive, and some virus killed off all the adults.

Overall, I really wouldn’t recommend this book to anyone. It’s too much like every other goddamn zombie story out there. And once you’ve read one, you’ve pretty much read all of ’em. There’s no way I would have picked up this book and actually started reading it, if I had any idea it was another fucking zombie story.

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5 of 5 Must-Read Stars – The Other Normals by Ned Vizzini.

Very cool book. Quite fun to read. It has real characters that I actually gave a fuck about. This is a rare thing, in my experience. There was romance, and sexual tension. Lots of real-world battle, not just in-game fighting.

This is the story of fifteen-year-old Peregrine “Perry” Eckert, and his obsession with a D&D type game. But the game is ripped from his hands, as he is sent to summer camp, when the real world takes on a fantasy game-like reality. Perry is dragged off, into the woods, by an odd stranger, who is most likely going to rape him. But unfortunately, instead of a rape-fest, Perry is taken to an alternate reality, where there are gnomes, and trolls, and hot elf bitches.

At this point, I really thought that Perry had just lost his fucking mind, or maybe he was in a coma, after being in a fight at camp, and this was all a coma-fueled dream. But that wasn’t the case. He was really in that other reality, having a real adventure.

And then, there was the princess. This beautiful girl, who wanted nothing more than to kiss homely Perry. Or so he thought. It turns out that she’s really an evil bitch-cunt who only lead on that she wanted to kiss him just because of a stupid summer camp dare. And, because she’s a fucking whore who needed a good bitch slapping.

I got so hooked on this book that I stayed up all night to finish it. I don’t know how to explain it, but I felt like I was IN this story. And, I’m not even a big fan of fantasy novels. But, I’m definitely a fan of this one. It really sucks that this author decided to kill himself a few years ago. He was a great storyteller.

But I digress… This is a fucking awesome book, and the princess cunt does in fact end up getting a good bitch slapping, like she deserved. And Perry no longer has a need for D&D, because the real world is much more interesting when hot elf bitches want to fuck your brains out.

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1 of 5 Metaphorically-Speaking Stars – The Wasp Factory by Iain Banks.

I hate this book so much. I’ve tried finishing it like 5 times now. I just can’t do it. It’s just sooooooo bad. And it makes me feel stupid, like I’m missing something. Something profound. But I really doubt it. I’m still convinced that it’s just a horrible book.

This book has got to be some kind of fucked up metaphor. But I’m just too damn stupid to understand it. It’s written from the point of view of some stupid kid. About 10 or so, from what I can tell. He blathers on endlessly about bullshit. His life sucks. He doesn’t have any friends. Bla bla bla… Who the fuck cares? I know I don’t, that’s for sure.

Eventually, he gets on about being a killer. A murderer. Or something. I’m not quite sure. He kills rabbits, and a deer, and then goes on about that time he killed some kid. Or something. I really don’t know because it was so fucking boring I nearly fell asleep reading it.

Even after the so-called killing started, it was boring as shit. So, fuck this kid in his dirty asshole. I really hope he did get raped or something. Unfortunately, I don’t know if he got raped, because I stopped reading about halfway through. I had to stop. Because, fuck this goddamn book. Oh, and fuck Iain Banks in his asshole too, because everyone fucking loves him for some goddamn reason. Especially those dirty cunts in the UK.

Hell, the only reason I picked this book, and actually tried to read it, was because I was chatting with some UK chick, while playing backgammon online. She (oh who am I kidding… ‘She’ was probably a dude. lolz) kept gushing about this jackass Banks. Said I just had to pick up one of his books. “He’s brilliant!” she assured me. Fucking bullshit.

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5 of 5 Badass-Chick Stars – In the End by Demitria Lunetta.

This is an awesome fucking book. Even better than the first one, In the After. In this book, there’s so much more conflict and action. It’s an unrelenting race to the end. No dull moments whatsoever.

This is the story of Amy, and her fucked up world, where the planet is overrun by monsters that people thought were aliens, but turned out to be humans that were infected by some bio-weapon that turned them into some kind of plant-like zombie monster called a Florae. They might as well be zombies, because they eat human flesh, and you turn into one if you’re bitten.

In this book, Amy has escaped from her torment at the Ward in New Hope, and is heading off to another civilized shelter called Fort Black. But that place isn’t quite as civilized as New Hope, because it used to be a prison, so it’s filled with mostly convicts. The place is brutal. When she gets there, the first thing that happens, is some ugly brute tries to rape her.

Then, she is saved by her new love interest, Jacks, which is a character completely lifted from Sons of Anarchy, I fucking swear. He’s a tattoo artist, who is covered in tatts himself. It’s not said if he was in a biker gang, I Just assumed that bit. But seriously, he’s just a sensitive badass. In this prison society, all women belong to someone. So, Jacks takes it upon himself to “own” Amy. She’s not too thrilled about this idea, but is happy to be owned if she isn’t constantly harassed by the other men.

One has to wonder how this sensitive badass, who the whole prison is afraid of, hasn’t taken himself a sex slave before this. I mean, he’s hot. He’s badass. Everyone’s scared of him. How come he doesn’t have his own bitch already? Everyone else does. Is he just a flaming homosexual? Apparently not, because he takes quite a liking to Amy. But I really do find that this is kind of a small plot hole in this story. There’s no way this guy didn’t own himself a bitch or two in that place. No fucking way.

But it’s still a great book, nonetheless. I’d highly recommend it. I mean, if you don’t like this book, there’s got to be something wrong with you. Either that, or you just can’t suspend belief enough that some hot tattooed hunk just happened to save himself for this young girl. I hear ya, man. But come on. Just give it a chance. It’s well worth the read.

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2 of 5 Not-So-Sexy Stars – The City of the Mirage by Jerome Brooke.

This is a very standard fantasy type story. I read nothing in this story that stood out as unique. It’s just war and slave girls, and sex and immortal goddesses. Whooptie-freaking-doo.

Although, I have to say that the story is in fact well written. It just isn’t the type of fiction that I usually go for. Maybe if it had been a unique story, I could have gotten into it. But, it’s not. It’s pretty boring, in fact. It didn’t even have any real sex scenes. Our hero just bangs ’em. No details whatsoever. Quite disappointing.

There’s just no redeeming value to this story at all. I mean, if you’re gonna have hot slave girls, at least bang the living shit out of ’em in gory detail. Sure, some people just want the cum shot, but not me. I wanna know all about how the girls were disobedient, and you just had to teach them a lesson by banging their tight assholes. Is that too much to ask? I think not.

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