Archive for January, 2015

Glenn Hates Books


2 of 5 Boring-Ass Stars – American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis.

This is the most boring book about a serial killer. It’s less about him being a serial killer as it is about him being obsessed with his social status. It’s about bullshit corporate hierarchy. It’s about having a better car than the next executive; a better business card; a better girlfriend; a better chainsaw.

There are only about 50 pages of this book that are worth reading. The rest is complete garbage. But, if you don’t read through all the garbage, you will never get to the bits about him torturing a girl on his living room floor, stuffing cheese in her cunt, and urging a rat to eat her out. And, of course, you will probably not get to the bit about him chasing a naked girl through his apartment complex, while he wields a chainsaw.


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3 of 5 Why-Bother Stars – Griffin’s Story by Steven Gould.

I didn’t read the first Jumper book, because I saw the Jumper movie, ‘starring’ that talentless hack Hayden Christensen. A friend of mine recommended this book, and I decided it was worth a try. And it was, kind of.

This is the story of Griffin, of course. He’s a Jumper. Someone who can teleport anywhere, by just thinking about it. No technological gadget required. Just some natural ability he has.

For some reason, this Jumping ability is seen as a threat to National Security. So, there’s this secret organization who hunt Jumpers. They’re called ‘Paladins’, for whatever reason. And they’re nasty motherfuckers. They kill pretty much anyone who has anything to do with a jumper. They killed Griffin’s parents. They killed his friends. And they’re threatening to kill his girlfriend.

This all started when Griffin was only 10 years old, when they killed his parents. Like he’s fucking Spider-Man, or something. So, he jumped away to Mexico, where some nice people found him, and fixed him up. He spent several years in Mexico, living a secret life. Until the Paladins showed up and killed his friends.

Griffin spends the rest of the book systematically hunting down the Paladins one by one. He shows up, grabs one of them, jumps them to a cliff, and shoves them off. Then he grabs the next one, and jumps them to fucking France, or some other far away place. Because, he can.

The problem with this story is, there’s nothing the Paladins can do to capture Griffin. What’s the fucking point in chasing him, if there’s nothing you can do, once you find him. He’s just gonna jump away. So, unless you have something to stop him from jumping, you’re wasting your fucking time.

The Paladins seem to have an ability to sense when Griffin is jumping, which is how they end up finding him over and over. But still… It’s pointless to even track him, if there’s no way to stop him. This is what made the book kind of pointless to me. It’s like trying to stop Superman.

Because, even if you capture Griffin, he’s just going to jump away, immediately. There’s nothing the Paladins can do, save shooting him in the fucking face. But they never get that chance, because Griffin is there one moment, and gone the next.

So the problem is, there’s no real conflict. Because you know that Griffin is going to win. He’s always going to get away. So I’m not sitting on the edge of my seat wondering, oh my God, they’re going to catch him! What happens if they catch him? Holy shit, they might torture him and shit. Cool.

There’s none of that wondering, because he’s just going to jump away. There’s just no suspense at all. The ending is pretty goddamn simple. In fact, the last sentence of the novel is ‘I jumped’.

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Glenn Hates Books


2 of 5 Don’t-Give-A-Fuck Stars – The Darkest Minds by Alexandra Bracken.

You know, I usually judge a book by it’s dialog. It really pisses me off when a book goes for several chapters without any interaction with anyone. No dialog at all. Fuck that shit.

But this book has plenty of dialog. And, I hate it. It tells nothing of the characters. There’s no sense of urgency. There’s nothing moving the story along. There’s no motivation to keep reading, to find out what the fuck is going on.

I could find nothing that would make me care about these characters at all. While reading this book, I kept hoping that most of them would die a horrible death. At least that would make the story more interesting.

This story is about a dystopian future, where kids are being wiped out by a deadly plague. Our first-person narrator, Ruby, is somehow…

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Glenn Hates Books


3 of 5 Annoying-As-Shit Stars – The 100 by Kass Morgan.

This book had a very interesting premise. The earth had been pretty much destroyed by nuclear war, and the only remaining humans lived aboard a space station. 100 juvenile criminals, who have already been sentenced to death, are sent down to the earth, as an experiment. So, they were pretty much sent to earth to die.

But they don’t die. Everything is fine on the earth, except for a few mutant animals here and there. They just settle down and create their own little teenage society. Whooptie-freaking-doo. It’s boring as shit, once they settle in.

So the beginning of the book is awesome. The middle is pure MEH. Then, the last few chapters picks up with a few interesting twists, and the fucking book ends in a cliffhanger. As soon as it gets good again, this bitch Kass Morgan…

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3 of 5 Huge-Horse-Cock Stars – Taking the Reins by Katrina Abbott.

The author of this book sent me a free copy and assured me that I would hate it. Well, goddamnit, I didn’t. I expected to hate it, not because the author told me that I would, but because I’m not a fan of romance novels at all. In fact, I avoid them like the plague. I can’t fucking stand romance novels.

I hate them because, for the most part, they’re just cardboard characters doing stupid things for love. Well, this book doesn’t have any cardboard characters. The characters are real, full of life, and even unpredictable. I never knew what they were going to do. I tried predicting the outcome, and failed at every turn.

This story is about a teenage girl named Brooklyn who’s sent to a boarding school, because her parents had too much money, and frankly, they’re bored of her. So, they shipped her off to America, all the way from London, because the farther teenagers are away from their parents, the better.

Brooklyn gets the most awesome roommate. She’s a rich e-commerce girl, named Emmie, who gives away everything she owns to charity, because her parents are such wealthy fucks, that they find the idea of charity offensive. So, when Emmie gives things away, she’s actually just being a rebel, like every other goddamn teenager. But it’s definitely a unique way of rebellion.

Unfortunately, this book isn’t about Brooklyn and Emmie’s torrid gay love affair. I was hoping for it, that’s for sure. They had such chemistry. They belonged together, goddamnit.

Instead, the story is about horses, and their huge cocks. And one boy’s love affair with his sexy horse. Wait, no it’s not. Sorry. Again, that’s what I hoped it would be about. Because, at one point, it’s made clear that one boy does like his horse way too much. So, who knows what happens behind the closed barn, right? I mean, I’m just saying… That guy is totally fucking his horse when nobody is looking.

And then there’s the panty raid. At least 1/3 of this book is dedicated to a panty raid. The boys from the all-boy school down the road, sneak in and steal the undies from the all-girl school. Then, the girls go steal the boy’s undies, because what else is there to do?

Goddamnit. That’s not 1/3 of a book. That’s a chapter. Maybe two. I can only read so much about panty stealing. I mean, maybe if they had stuck the girl panties up a horse’s ass. Or tied up one of the boys with girl panties, and sexually tortured him with a riding crop. That may have been worth 80 pages or so. But not just panty stealing. Come on…

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Glenn Hates Books


5 of 5 Motherfucking Stars – Battle Royale by Koushun Takami.

This book is so fucking awesome. It’s like The Hunger Games on crack. Seriously, when the movie for The Hunger Games came out, I was like HELL YEA! KIDS KILLING EACH OTHER! SWEET. But, I hadn’t actually read The Hunger Games books. Needless to say, when I saw the movie, I was like WTF?? WHAT’S ALL THIS POLITICAL HORSESHIT!?

So, fuck Hunger Games. It’s fucking bullshit. Battle Royale started it all. Kids killing each other for the world’s amusement. From the very beginning. Well, there’s like 5 pages of set-up, with the kids all in a classroom. The killing process is explained to them, and they are set off, into the woods to fend for themselves and kill every goddamn student they come across.

It’s fucking brutal. This book describes the battle the way it really would be, if this ever…

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3 of 5 Scorched-Ass Stars – The Scorch Trials by James Dashner.

This is the second book in The Maze Runner series, and it actually includes some answers to some of the unanswered questions from the first book. Like, why was the maze built? Who, or what is WICKED, and how are they good?

In this book, The Lord of the Flies boys are introduced to the organization that is WICKED. The purpose behind the maze experiment is somewhat explained. But then, WICKED continues their wicked ways, by sending the Flies boys on yet another experiment.

They are to survive the desert, hence the ‘Scorch Trials’ title. Monsters are thrown at them, just like in the maze, but this time the monsters can come at any time, during the day or night.

And there’s the scavengers. The survivors of the plague, which seem to be living in a Mad Max kind of apocalyptic world. These scavengers attack the Flies boys. They’re especially interested in the boy’s one female member.

Of course, the Flies boys escape, along with their token female. And, they’re off to yet another forced challenge of the desert.

This whole book seemed forced to me. It’s like the author didn’t really want to come up with any answers to the questions posed in The Maze Runner. It was supposed to be a stand-alone book, dammit.

But then the publishers pushed him into writing these other books. So, he just pulled some answers out of his ass, and said, “There. Now leave me the fuck alone.”

Unfortunately, the publishers didn’t leave him alone, because even after the Maze Runner series, he had to write a prequel book called The Kill Order.

Talk about a disappointment. The prequel is so much worse than the Maze Runner series. It’s complete garbage. It’s like Mr. Dashner here decided to fuck with the publishers. Like, “I’ll just write total shit, then they can’t publish it. Haa ha! I’ve got you fucking publishers now!”

But, joke’s on him. Because they fucking published that shit too. Whatever you do, don’t read The Kill Order. It completely ruined anything that was good about the Maze Runner series.

And don’t read this fucking book either. The Scorch Trials just muddy the waters. It dilutes a perfectly good idea, and turns it to shit.

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3 of 5 Slutty-Mary-Kay Stars – Island of the Sequined Love Nun by Christopher Moore.

This book was an interesting study of ‘What would you do for money’? Would you sell your soul to the devil? Would you help harvest organs from an unassuming group of innocent islanders? Would you create a religion, so those islanders would be happy to be ‘chosen’, and jump up on the operating table willingly?

This is the story of the wild adventures of Tucker Case. He’s an asshole. A womanizer. A drunken airplane pilot, who just happens to find himself a whore who wants to get fucked in the cockpit, at 10,000 feet. Of course, Tuck is eager to oblige, and ends up crashing his boss’s Lear jet in the process.

He also manages to impale himself on one of the levers in the cockpit, which shot directly through his scrotum, and out his penis. Good times. He’s laid up at the hospital for a few weeks, while his boss, Mary Kay – I mean, Mary Jean – tries to stop the police from filing criminal charges against him. I mistook her for Mary Kay, because that’s obviously who she’s based on. I mean, come on… She runs a cosmetic company, and flies in a gaudy pink Lear jet.

While Tuck is resting, he receives a letter from a doctor, who lives and operates on a small island in the South Pacific. The Doc offers Tuck a job, to fly another Lear jet. Even though he is well aware that Tuck’s pilot licence had been revoked. Doc assures Tuck that it doesn’t matter, as long as Tuck is able to fly the jet.

Then starts the long, unfortunate journey to the island. At least 100 pages were aloted to this journey, as flights get delayed, and hurricanes arrive, and tranny whores assure Tuck that she/he can get him to the island licketey split, on a small boat that he/she just procured.

Finally, Tuck and his tranny whoe arrive at the island, only to be stringed up in a tree, doused with pepper and salt, in preparation to be cooked and eaten by the hungry natives. But, after a while, it turns out that the old native that stared at them, hanging from the tree and simply uttered “Yum,” was just kidding.

Tuck and his tranny friend get released, and Tuck finally gets to meet the Doc that hired him. Then, he finds out that the Doc, and his wife are worshiped by the local natives as Gods. And the whole plot thing kicks in, where the Doc is actually harvesting the organs of these natives, getting paid $500k for each goddamn kidney.

Tuck is expected to fly these kidneys to Japan, and collect the fee. Bla bla bla, conflict, conflict, conflict… The story really does get a bit dull and boring in the middle.

Until Tuck is exiled from the island by the Doc. So of course, Tuck ends up rescuing all the natives from the island. He steals a 747 from a airport at Hawaii, like you do. Takes off on the runway, as the tower protests, tuck streaming into his mic, “Go ahead, try and stop me, motherfuckers!” But he didn’t say ‘motherfuckers’, because that would have been awesome, and this book really isn’t that awesome.

He rescues all the natives, and flies them off to Costa Rica. Whooptie-freaking-doo. Everyone’s happy, in the end, except for the Doc, and his ‘Priestess’ wife. Because, not only did Tuck fly off with all their willing victims, but he also blew up their clinic, which just happened to house the Priestess’ awesome shoe collection.

Overall, this book kept me reading, because of the constant conflict. Tuck was always getting in trouble. The only problem was, there were always people that helped him get out of trouble. He was never really left to solve anything for himself. Conflict is great, except when there’s an obvious answer to it. With this book, there was never a question of ‘Will he get out of this one’? Because, of course he will.

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Off Season – is the best season

Posted: January 27, 2015 in Fiction

Glenn Hates Books


5 of 5 Fucked-Up Stars – Off Season by Jack Ketchum.

Wow. Just wow. This motherfucker knows how to write sick and twisted shit. I mean, why the fuck is Stephen King so goddamn popular? Nobody ever had to keep a puke bucket nearby while reading some Stephen King book. But, this motherfucker, Ketchum? Damn straight you better have a bucket handy. Fucking blood and guts everywhere in this guy’s books. It’s fucking awesome.

This is pretty much the standard cabin in the woods type horror story. People go on vacation to this secluded cabin, and all the sudden they’re being hunted by cannibals. But, damn… These cannibals don’t fuck around. Ketchum writes so much detail about how to cut open and eat a freshly killed human, it really makes you wonder. Is this motherfucker a goddamn cannibal?

Visions of naked 12 year old feral kids, fucking and giggling in…

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1 of 5 Must-Skip Stars – Gathering Blue by Lois Lowry.

This book is bullshit. After reading The Giver, I expected some answers, goddamnit. Did they survive? Or, did they freeze to death? Did our hero sled his way to another bizarre society, or did he end up in the real, normal world?

None of those questions are answered. In fact, none of the characters from the first book are even mentioned in this second book. It’s fucking bullshit.

It’s just a story of some stupid orphan girl, who happens to have a gift for making things. So, the powers that be take her and make her their slave girl, so she can repair their sacred quilt, or whatever.

That’s pretty much it. That’s the story. Nothing compelling about it at all. Just a bullshit pagan story. I don’t fucking care one bit. I want answers, goddamnit!

Yes, it was a well-written story. But no, it was not worth reading. If you’re going to read this series, just skip this one. It doesn’t change a fucking thing. You’re not going to miss anything at all.

The next two books in this series are fascinating, but this one just doesn’t belong. It’s completely out of place, and I wish I could strike it out of existence. It’s that bad.

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