3 of 5 Dead Pigeon Stars – Tito’s Dead by Dermott Hayes.

I feel like I’ve read this book before. Maybe it’s because it reads like a fucking Guy Ritchie film. But with less humor. Well, no humor, in fact. It’s very dry, as Brits are wont to be. That doesn’t make it bad, per se. I mean, take the humor out of Snatch, and it would still be a kick-ass movie.

This book is the story of Tito, or at least, I wish it was the story of Tito. Because, Tito had quite the rich, and interesting life. Tito worked for the mob. How can you not, with a name like ‘Tito’, right? He dealt with whores, and drug dealers, and ruthless smugglers.

Unfortunately, most of this story happens after Tito’s death. But, at least his death was not in vain. See, Tito knew that he was in trouble. He knew that, sooner or later, he’d get off’d by the mob. So, in case of his death, he left a package to be delivered to a local newspaper man, which contained his life story, along with a ledger of the mob’s business.

No, this book isn’t about Tito’s rich and interesting life. It’s about mobsters trying to find the package. And crooked cops, murdering anyone who got in their way. And an Arab diplomat, who just happens to be a terrorist. Because, all Arabs are terrorists, right? Sure they are.

The problem with this book is, it’s NOT a Guy Ritchie film. There’s no vibrant characters at all. Every so-called ‘character’, if you can even call them that, is just plain cardboard. Okay, some aren’t cardboard, they’re straight-up stereotypes instead. Even Tito, who was really the most interesting guy in the story, was still just a cardboard cutout of a character. It’s sad, really.

Overall, this book had a decent story, albeit poorly told. I didn’t care for the author’s style, at all. The lack of actual characters to give a shit about really pissed me off. And the fact that the story was predictable as fuck after the first 100 pages or so, didn’t help the case.

And then there’s the fucking pigeons… Don’t get me started on the goddamn pigeons in this book. Tito’s pet pigeon. The mob guy who’s called The Pigeon. The old lighthouse that’s commonly referred to as ‘The Pigeon House’. The postcard that the dead Tito had in his pocket, that was signed by ‘Paddy the Pigeon’. It goes on and on about these motherfucking pigeons.

I don’t fucking care about the pigeons. They don’t have a goddamn thing to do with this story. And yet, the word ‘pigeon’ is literally used in this book over 100 fucking times. Just for that, the next time I see a fucking pigeon, I’m going to shoot it in its stupid fucking face. Because, fuck pigeons.

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  1. Daniel Waltz says:

    In tears. Choking on my food. Damn pigeons.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. cskinnaird says:

    Bloody pigeons! lol. Thank you for the visit to my blog! I am going to have so much fun reading your snarky book reviews. =)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I just started following your blog a week or so ago – is it too soon to make with the gushing praise of your uber-snarky book reviews?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. gegrizzle says:

    hehe I can’t spell vain. I’m so retarded. Wife just read this review and told me “You know ‘vein’ is like the vein in your arm right? Not the I’m so pretty vain.” lolz


  5. Dan says:

    I just had chicken on the train… it was seriously small. Probably a bloody pigeon. Awesome post, as usual. Made me laugh and I really needed that right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I remember a colleague coming into the office somewhat irate owing to one of your feathered friends having emptied it’s bowels on his head. I can’t understand why he was so upset …!

    Liked by 1 person

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