Lamb – needs to be sacrificed

1 of 5 Gay-As-Fuck Stars – Lamb by Christopher Moore.

I fucking hate this book. It bored me to tears. It had an interesting premise, which is why I started reading it in the first place. But Christopher Moore just took that premise and skull-fucked it. He shit the bed with this fucking book, and I have no fucking clue why so many people love it so much.

It’s the story of Biff, Jesus’ childhood friend. But of course, Biff calls him ‘Josh’, as you do. The book details the years that were left out of the Bible, the actual childhood of ‘Josh’ and Biff. How they learned kung-fu together. Discovered coffee. Invented sarcasm.

Okay, see even my description makes it sound like an interesting book, but IT’S NOT, GODDAMNIT. It’s boring as fuck. It’s just page after page of them wandering around, doing mostly nothing. Very rarely did they do anything worth noting. It’s just bullshit.

I was hoping that this book was going to poke fun at the Bible. That always amuses me. Tearing Christians to shreds is one of my favorite pastimes. But if anything, this book reinforced the ideas of the Bible. You know, helping people and all that shit. I hate it so much.

Fuck people. People are assholes. Most of them deserve to die a horrible death. Especially, back in those days. People were not nice. They were only out for themselves. You know, like most people are today. Fucking assholes.

I did not pick up this book to get preached at, which is what it ended up doing. Don’t fucking preach to me, Moore. I know I’m an asshole. I’m fine with it. If there really is a hell, I would enjoy going there, because at least then, I wouldn’t be stuck in bullshit heaven, having to deal with my fucked-up relatives. I’d rather burn in hell, thank you very much.

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