Archive for January, 2015

Glenn Hates Books

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1  of 5 Die-Bentley-Die Stars – The Influence by Bentley Little.

Bentley Little can go fuck himself. Seriously, this book pissed me off. 416 pages. About 350 pages of bullshit and maybe 66 pages of actual story. So, seriously, go fuck yourself, Bentley Little. I hate your stupid face.

I read this book because someone recommended it. In fact, they said that “Anything by Bentley Little is fucked up and scary as shit”. Now, I want to hunt down the motherfucker that wrote that recommendation and have him explain to me how the fuck this book qualifies as “fucked up and scary as shit”. Because, goddamnit, it’s not.

Okay, it is kind of fucked up, sure. I mean when you actually get to the story part, the 66 pages of story are very fucked up and kind of interesting. That’s the only reason I finished the book. But, goddamnit. Why…

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Coffee, Tea or Me? – no thanks

Posted: January 27, 2015 in Fiction

Glenn Hates Books

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2 of 5 Non-Alcoholic Stars – Coffee, Tea or Me? by Trudy Baker, Rachel Jones & Donald Bain.

This book is very misleading. When I read the title of this book, I expected a bunch raunchy sluts banging guys left and right. I expected Sluts on a Plane. What I got was more like Little Miss Prissy Goes to Dinner. These so-called sluts never bang anyone. I swear. It’s fucking retarded.

I mean, the subtitle of this book is “The uninhibited memoirs…” Uninhibited my ass. They are prissy little cunts who never fuck anybody. It’s bullshit. I don’t understand how it took 3 stupid-ass authors to completely skull-fuck this story. You’d think that with more authors, comes more creativity, more ideas, more spunk.

But no. There’s no spunk in this book at all. No life. No reason to keep reading it, that’s for sure. If I wasn’t bored out of…

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The London Project – is CSI: London

Posted: January 26, 2015 in Fiction

Glenn Hates Books

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2 of 5 Still-Better-Than-CSI:NY Stars – The London Project by Mark J. Maxwell.

This could have been a good book. But, it’s not. It’s fucking garbage. Sure, there’s interesting tech and all, but they never did anything interesting with it. I mean, it just turned into a boring CSI episode. Hell, I can make a better story than this stupid book, right here and now.

Take the portal tech, and add a bunch of serial killers going crazy, killing everyone, recording their every move and selling it to the highest bidder. There. A better story than The London Project.

Okay, how about this one… Aliens have been watching all the portal recordings, from everyone in London. They invade, and kidnap all the cool portal kids. Start their own reality TV show called “Portal Kids on Crack”. Hilarity ensues. There. A better story than The London Project.

This book is about…

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1 of 5 Go-Fuck-Yourself Stars – Birds of Prey by Blake Crouch and Jack Kilborn.

If you have read Serial Killers Uncut, which is by the same authors, don’t bother reading this. Birds of Prey is pretty much just a copy of that book.

This book is a collection of short stories about serial killers, same as Serial Killers Uncut. It is not a novella, as it’s said to be. As far as I can tell, there are only 2 very short stories in Birds of of Prey which are not included in Serial Killers Uncut. And both of those stories are exposition pieces about the killers’ youth.

If I had known this was the only difference in these two books I most certainly would not have read Birds of Prey. It’s utterly pointless. It was a total and complete fucking waste of time.

Seriously, this book pissed me off. I think I even threw it across the room, at one point. Because it’s just bullshit. I wanted to read more about the fucked-up duo Lucy and Donaldson, goddamnit. Because they’re fucking awesome.

But no! All I got was the same shit I’d already read. And a little exposition that I’m not even interested in. I don’t give a fuck how Luther Kite grew up. I just want to read about him torturing people. Is that so wrong?

Obviously not, because there are plenty of these books out there. At least some of them are somewhat original. But not this fucking book. It’s just a carbon copy of another book, with a different name.

If I could, I’d give this book 0.00000000001/5 stars. Or fuck it, give it 0 goddamn stars. Because that’s what it deserves. It wasted my fucking time, and for that it deserves the worst possible rating.

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Inferno – should burn in hell

Posted: January 26, 2015 in Fiction

Glenn Hates Books

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3 of 5 Repetitive-Stars-Repetitive Stars – Inferno by Dan Brown.

It’s really sad that Dan Brown’s books have become so formulaic. Somebody dies, or in this case, wounded. Langdon meets some beautiful, intelligent woman who has all the answers to some conspiracy. They run from the cops/gangsters/secret society goons and she slowly reveals the evil plot to destroy the world. But they must hurry! Quickly, quickly! This clue says to go over there. No, there! Etc etc ad nauseam.

That’s what happens in The DaVinchi Code, that’s what happens in Angels & Demons, and that’s what happens in this book, Inferno. Sure, everything is different in the end. There are always surprises at the end of the book, and this one actually did surprise me. I was about to put the book down, thinking, Okay then, they solved it. Right? Not even. It keeps going for another 100 pages or…

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3 of 5 Whiney-Ass-Bitch Stars – It’s Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini.

This book really hit home for me. Like a lot of teenagers, when I was 15, I was suicidal as fuck. One time, I had the shotgun out of the closet. Loaded it. Put it up to my mouth. Then, I heard the front door open. My mom got home. Shit. So, I put the gun back, and pretended that nothing was wrong.

This book is about 15 year old Craig, who is much more depressed than I ever was. In fact, he’s probably schizophrenic, because he hears voices and shit. He thinks about jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, but instead, he goes home and calls the suicide hotline.

They tell him to go to the hospital. Just check in at the emergency room, and tell them you’re fucking suicidal. So, he does. And he gets sent to the adult mental ward, because the children’s ward is being renovated, or some shit. They get him back on his meds, and he starts feeling a wee bit better.

The problem I have with this book, is the first half is completely worthless. It’s just Craig whining like a little bitch. Awww. School is hard. People don’t like me. OMG, I got a 93% on a test. My life is over. Jesus fucking christ, man. Get over yourself.

The book doesn’t really get interesting until he checks himself into the mental ward. Then, all the crazy characters come out to play. And, for some reason, all the girls want to fuck him. I mean, seriously. The girls in the ward want to fuck him. The girls from school suddenly want to fuck him. What the fuck?

There’s nothing fuckable about this guy. He’s just some random fucked-up teenager. Okay, he does get more interesting when he starts doing his drawings. He gets all sensitive and shit. Hell, I kind of wanted to fuck him during that part of the story.

And, by the way, it’s not a funny story at all. Not in the slightest. If anything, it’s depressing as fuck. Well, until near the end, when he finally gets some inspiration to actually change his life. Then it at least gets hopeful. But funny? It was never funny.

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4 of 5 Unbelievable Stars – The Giver by Lois Lowry.

This is a fascinating book. The world that the author has created is so unique and interesting. I actually got bored after the first chapter or so, and put it aside, thinking it was just stupid. But then, a friend who had read the book explained some of it to me, and after that, I just had to finish it.

Sure enough, after a few chapters, the world blossomed, and I found myself glued to the pages. It’s the story of a world where everything is bland. It’s literally in black and white. Nothing exciting ever happens, because their society is designed that way.

But then, our hero Jonas suddenly starts to see color. Oh wow, color. How amazing. Of course it’s not amazing to me, but to him, it’s unbelievable. Because since birth, everything he’s seen has been black and white.

Then, the sorting begins, as it does in every other goddamn young adult book. In this case, they’re not sorted into factions, per se. They’re sorted into jobs. Jonas happens to get chosen to be the Receiver, which is a very rare opportunity, indeed.

The Receiver is given the memories of the before time, before this society came to be. Back when there was color, and snow, and love. He is introduced to The Giver, who is to give him these memories.

This book moved me, and I really don’t know why. When The Giver tells Jonas, “You can call me, The Giver,” I literally cried. I can’t remember the last time a book made me feel that much emotion.

Since Jonas is a rebel, like all other heroes in every goddamn young adult book, he decides that the world must know about these amazing memories. The world has to see color, and know what it’s like to love.

Jonas kidnaps a baby, who was scheduled for termination, because he wasn’t as perfect as the other babies. Then, Jonas escapes the society, to the outer limits of its boundaries, because for some fucked up reason, if the boundary is breached, the society will get back all their memories of the before time, and see color, and love and all that happy horseshit.

None of this makes any fucking sense. How would suddenly passing a fence actually change everyone’s brains? From what I could tell, the society’s brains are modified with medication, that limits their eyesight, and their emotions. So, I just don’t get how some magical fence would make any change to that.

The only explanation is that it’s magic. But of course, as they say, technology is magic, to those who have never seen, or experienced it. I mean, show a smartphone to some fucker who lives in the jungle, and I’m sure they would think it’s magic. So, maybe it’s just some strange technology that I don’t understand.

Or maybe it’s just the author going, “Because I said so! Okay? I don’t have time to explain this shit.” Because, that’s really what I think it is. The author just got lazy.

That being said, it’s still an amazing book. I would highly recommend it. The world building is just plain fascinating, and the characters are so real, they made me fucking cry.

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Orconomics 101 – Don’t play WoW

Posted: January 24, 2015 in Fiction

Glenn Hates Books

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2 of 5 Stinking-Orc Stars – Orconomics by J. Zachary Pike.

Something tells me that if I was not a World of Warcraft player, I might find this book interesting. Because that’s what this book is. World of Warcraft. Imagine that all the NPC characters, and the actual players were in real life, doing quests, running dungeons. Being Orcs and Trolls and Gnomes. Like its their job to do quests and such.

If I didn’t play WoW, this might appeal to me. But as it is, It bores me to tears. Because I’ve played WoW for so long, that it actually bores me to tears; well, until the expansion comes out anyway. But I digress. The real reason this book sucks isn’t that it’s just a WoW story. It sucks because it just isn’t an interesting WoW story. Nothing happens that anyone would care about.

This book is just stupid…

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4 of 5 Hardcore-Anal Stars – Woken Furies by Richard K. Morgan.

This book is an exciting adventure story, set in an amazing sci-fi future, where everyone is immortal. Their bodies aren’t immortal, though. See, every day, everyone’s consciousness is uploaded to a central server. If someone’s body dies, they’re just uploaded to a new body, called a ‘sleeve’.

Of course, our hero, Takeshi Kovacs always ends up in a sexy, enhanced man-beast sleeve. With the biggest cock, the best muscles, and an enhanced sarcasm booster. Because, snark is what gets him laid, apparently. Not the hot bod, and the sexy muscles. It’s definitely the snark.

Sexy Kovacs picks up some hot slut at a bar, and soon joins her gang of mercenaries. But only after banging the shit out of her asshole, of course. Because Kovacs love the anal. And ass to mouth, as you do. Because porn is what sells books.

They do some merc jobs. Steal some stuff, kill shit-tons of people. Then, Kovacs and his dirty slut run off on their own, because they’re being chased by some other filthy mercs. They’re being chased by none other than Kovacs himself. A younger version of him. Stronger, better, faster.

Because, some jackass hacked the sleeve server and downloaded an earlier version of Kovacs to an even sexier hot man-beast sleeve. Then sent him off to go kill himself. After first fucking himself in the ass, hopefully. I mean, one can dream, right?

In the process of fleeing his pursuers, the older Kovacs finds out that the dirty slut he’s been humping is none other than a long thought dead religious leader. One that Kovacs happened to follow, back in the day.

So, all this time, Kovacs has been banging God. Pounding God’s asshole. Sticking his huge cock deep down God’s gaping throat. Good times.

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The Testing – makes my head hurt

Posted: January 23, 2015 in Fiction

Glenn Hates Books

testing    Free with Kindle Unlimited at Amazon

1 of 5 Terrible Stars – The Testing by Joelle Charbonneau.

Not only is this a complete rip-off of the Divergent series, but it’s not even an interesting rip-off. It’s boring as fuck. Nothing happens. Some kids take some tests. Some pass, some fail. Whooptie-freaking-doo.

As I read this book, I kept waiting, page after page, for some goddamn conflict. There really wasn’t any real conflict. Unless you count the stress from taking really important tests as conflict, which I certainly don’t. The characters get along together, for the most part. There’s not even an interesting love story.

It’s like the author took all the boring parts of Divergent, and turned those into a book. I don’t give a fuck. Why can’t you take all the fun parts? Like learning to fight. Or getting sexy tattoos. Or doing things that actually require…

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