Archive for January, 2015

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4 of 5 What-The-Fuck Stars – The Maze Runner by James Dashner.

A compelling read. Very unique setting and story. The characters are well developed and distinct. The plot is intriguing. I never knew what would happen next. Quite the page turner.

This book is pretty much the story of Lord of the Flies, in a maze. A boy wakes up in a box, being raised to the courtyard of the maze, when all the Flies boys come up to greet his greenie ass.

The new boy is curious about the maze. So, against the rules, because of course it’s against the rules, he runs out, into the maze to save one of the fellow Flies boys. It’s against the rules, because it’s impossible to survive out in the maze at dark, because the monsters come out at dark.

But guess what? The new boy prevails, and saves the other boy, killing and avoiding monsters, like he’s some kind of superhero. But it turns out that he’s not, in fact, a superhero. He’s the asshole who built the maze. He just doesn’t remember all of that nonsense, because plot reasons.

The book really made no sense whatsoever. The entire book seemed like a trailer or set-up for the next book. It posed many questions but gave no answers. The ending was very disappointing. This book forced you to read the next book. Frankly, fuck that shit. Give me a complete story, goddamnit. Beginning, middle, and end.

It was still a compelling read. It was a good book. I would definitely recommend it. But seriously, fuck books that are just set-ups for the next book. Fuck them in their dirty assholes.

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1 of 5 Gay-As-Fuck Stars – Lamb by Christopher Moore.

I fucking hate this book. It bored me to tears. It had an interesting premise, which is why I started reading it in the first place. But Christopher Moore just took that premise and skull-fucked it. He shit the bed with this fucking book, and I have no fucking clue why so many people love it so much.

It’s the story of Biff, Jesus’ childhood friend. But of course, Biff calls him ‘Josh’, as you do. The book details the years that were left out of the Bible, the actual childhood of ‘Josh’ and Biff. How they learned kung-fu together. Discovered coffee. Invented sarcasm.

Okay, see even my description makes it sound like an interesting book, but IT’S NOT, GODDAMNIT. It’s boring as fuck. It’s just page after page of them wandering around, doing mostly nothing. Very rarely did they do anything worth noting. It’s just bullshit.

I was hoping that this book was going to poke fun at the Bible. That always amuses me. Tearing Christians to shreds is one of my favorite pastimes. But if anything, this book reinforced the ideas of the Bible. You know, helping people and all that shit. I hate it so much.

Fuck people. People are assholes. Most of them deserve to die a horrible death. Especially, back in those days. People were not nice. They were only out for themselves. You know, like most people are today. Fucking assholes.

I did not pick up this book to get preached at, which is what it ended up doing. Don’t fucking preach to me, Moore. I know I’m an asshole. I’m fine with it. If there really is a hell, I would enjoy going there, because at least then, I wouldn’t be stuck in bullshit heaven, having to deal with my fucked-up relatives. I’d rather burn in hell, thank you very much.

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3 of 5 Dirty-Slut Stars –  d4 by Sherrie Cronin.

This book has the stupidest title. I mean, ‘d4’? What the fuck does that even mean? If someone is browsing through amazon, looking for a book to read, why the fuck would they even click on that title? It’s meaningless. It doesn’t tell me anything about the book. I don’t know how this author is able to sell any copies of this book. Maybe there’s a subliminal ‘FREE BEER’ message hidden on the cover.

This book is about a dirty slut named Ariel, who works as a liaison for an investment firm, which develops software and hardware for investors who make high frequency trades. I know, every part of that sentence is boring as shit, except for the ‘dirty slut’ part. Ariel is not, in fact, a mermaid, as one would surely assume (because of The Little Mermaid, duh). But she does have a special gift. She can see the future.

Big fucking deal. Everyone in this goddamn book has some kind of amazing gift. Most have some kind of precognition, but others can astral-project, or communicate telepathically, or even morph into a completely different person. But here’s the problem: none of them do a goddamn thing with their amazing abilities. Okay, one guy does, but because of it, he’s seen as the book’s only villain. He uses his future-telling ability to make tons of dough in the stock market. Come on… I mean, anyone with that kind of ability would do the same fucking thing.

One of the reasons that Ariel is such a dirty slut is that, apparently, precogs can enhance their visions by touching each other. Each time she meets one of her clients, she shakes their hands, and immediately recognizes the precog ability. Our villain, Baldur, sees Ariel’s ability as well, and he finds that touching her would make his visions, and his trades, much more accurate.

Of course, he tries to rape her. Because, he’s naughty like that. But mostly, because he absolutely NEEDS her touch to reach his goal of owning the entire world’s wealth. She escapes, because she can see the immediate future. But Baldur is not easily avoided, since he is her best client. So the next time they meet, he slips something in her drink, and takes what he believes is his right.

But he still wants more… So he eventually ends up blackmailing her to be his personal mind-slave.

Then, there’s this whole plot thing. Some precogs are able to see way into the future, and it turns out that in 2352, the human race becomes extinct, from some nasty plague. So, throughout the book, there are several characters who are dedicating their life to find out a solution to the distant future. How to save the human race.

So they go to Mars, as you do. Because, of course, there’s no plague on Mars, right? It’s said that the plague isn’t man made. It’s a natural occurring pathogen. So what makes them think it won’t happen on Mars? I don’t fucking know.

Ariel gets to be Queen Slut of Mars, and everyone ends up happily ever after. Great. Thanks a lot. Now I’ve got to go write some goddamn Little Mermaid fanfic, where people actually use their fucking super-powers.

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3 of 5 Selfish-Cunt Stars – Every Day by David Levithan.

This is a very compelling love story. Unfortunately, that’s all it is. A love story. With its premise of an entity who wakes up in a different teenage body every day, it could have been so much more than a love story.

This entity, named simply ‘A’, wakes up one day as an asshole jock who just happens to have a sweet, beautiful girlfriend. A falls instantly in love with said girlfriend, and takes her on a fabulous, unforgettable journey to the beach.

And so begins their strange affair. As A wakes up the next day as a 16 year old girl, all she can think about is Rhiannon, the girlfriend from the day before. So, A begins to insert herself into Rhiannon’s life. Every time she/he wakes up as a different person, she finds a way to get back to Rhiannon’s life.

Eventually, A tells Rhiannon the incredible story of her so-called life. About waking up as a different person every goddamn day. And A explains the love she feels for Rhiannon, how she desperately needs to be part of Rhiannon’s life. Of course, Rhiannon has a hard time believing such a crazy story. But she finally does accept it, as A turns up every day as a different teenager.

It really is a fascinating story, because every day, A has to find a way to get back to Rhiannon. And Every day, Rhiannon has to wrestle with the idea of loving an entity. Loving a soul, while trying to ignore the human package it’s wrapped in.

It was kind of funny, when A turned up to see Rhiannon as a 300 pound fat-ass geek-boy. It was kind of hard for Rhiannon to see the soul of A, when she/he was wrapped up in such an unattractive package.

This story was an interesting study in sexuality, because A could wake up as a girl or a boy, and it never really mattered to he/she. A still wanted the same things. Still attracted to Rhiannon as much as the day before. Hell, they even kissed as both boy and girl.

One time, A woke up naked, in the arms of another girl. And it was beautiful. There was so much love, and nakedness, and sweet girl-on-girl action. I think I even got a mild chubby, reading that bit.

But, there was this whole sub-plot, where one boy that A inhabited actually woke up thinking he had been possessed by the devil. And, it got spread all over the internet, and the tabloids. THE DEVIL IS AMONG US! And there was this preacher who went on an on about the whole devil possession thing.

A goes to meet the preacher, and finds out that he’s in fact the same type of entity. Or something. It didn’t really make much sense. It was like the author had this idea, about the demon possession thing, and just forgot about it or something. Because that could have made this story much more than just a love story.

Because, A finds out that not only are there others out there just like her/him, but that it is actually possible to keep the body you woke up in, instead of switching to another at midnight. So, A could actually have a life together with Rhiannon.

But no. Instead, she runs away to another city, so she will never see Rhiannon again. Because she/he doesn’t want to steal another person’s life. I don’t fucking get it. This whole goddamn story is about A trying to find a way to have a love life with Rhiannon. As soon as she discovers a way to make it happen, she just abandons it, and runs away.

What the actual FUCK? The ending just negates the whole fucking story. It’s fucking bullshit. This whole time A is struggling to get together with Rhiannon. It’s the love she/he’s always wanted. And then, it’s just ended? What a crying shame.

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3 of 5 Sick-As-Fuck Stars – The House by Edward Lee.

I’m usually not very fond of haunted house books. They’re just not that scary, or offensive at all. But that can’t be said about this book. It’s scary as fuck. And OMG is it brutally offensive in every way.

I had just finished reading The Pig, and figured, what the fuck, I might as well read this book, which is the story of what becomes of the farm house that The Pig was set in. Because the end of The Pig was quite horrific. So of course, The House is haunted as fuck.

It’s 30 years later, and geek-nerd Melvin has been sent to The House, to write a piece for the newspaper, about life in rural, upstate New York. Sounds simple enough. He drives to the house with his new hot-as-fuck stepmom. His dad says she’s got the best tits in New York, and soon enough, Melvin gets to see them with his own eyes.

Because shit gets crazy, and his new stepmom ends up banging a whole biker gang, because apparently she’s possessed by one of the whores that used to live in the house 30 years earlier. So, Melvin spies on his stepmom, while she bangs a bunch of bikers. While some other whore’s foot is deep in her ass.

Melvin watches, as his stepmom eats someone’s fresh, steaming shit, off a pool table, as she’s banged in the ass by more biker guys. So this book is pretty standard Edward Lee porn. But, I have to say, it’s a bit more original that usual. I’ve read several of his books, and this is the first time I’ve read about some hot bitch getting fucked in the ass, then pissed in the ass, then squirting chocolate syrup into her ass, to make a nice chocolate piss shake.

It’s amazing to me that nerdy Melvin remains a 30 year old virgin, throughout all the debauchery happening around him. Hell, a whore even offers to suck him off for 20 bucks. She even offers her pussy to him instead, but he just keeps getting distracted by all the horrifying visions from the haunted house.

I get it man, it’s pretty sick and twisted, what happened in that house. But come on… Get your priorities straight. Fuck that whore. Bang that pussy. Pop that cherry. Then, and only then, should you worry about all the crazy visions from that fucked up house. Just sayin’.

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4 of 5 Giddy-As-A-Schoolgirl Stars – Steelheart by Brandon Sanderson.

Just about every time I read about about heroes and villains, I usually end up rooting for the villain. Because villains are fucking awesome. They destroy entire cities. They kill anyone who even tries to oppose them.

I’ve always known that, if I had a choice to be a hero or a villain, I’d chose villain every time. Because they’re just more fun. And they always get the bitches. Heroes have to hide their identity. They have to work at getting pussy. Fuck that shit.

I mean, think about Superman. That poor guy never gets laid. Because he has to live his life as fucking pathetic Clark Kent. And Spider-Man has the same damn problem. He loves Mary Jane, but he just can’t close the deal, because he doesn’t want to see her get hurt…

It fucking pisses me off. Why can’t superheroes grow a pair, and just be who they are, instead of hiding from everyone. Sure, that paints a target on your back, but when you’re motherfucking Superman, who the fuck cares? Nothing can hurt you. So, grow a pair and get some bitches, you stupid cry-baby fuck.

This book is about a world overrun by superheroes. But they’re not superheroes. They’re all supervillains. Because that’s how it’d really be, if the world was riddled with so many people with amazing powers. They would rule the world, no question.

I’ve never understood that part of the whole X-Men conflict. In the X-Men world, the mutants are scared of the government. They hide themselves, so they don’t get locked away and experimented on by Men in Black. But come on… That’s just not realistic. X-Men could rule the world, easily. But they don’t. Because they’re cry-baby little pussies.

That’s why this book is so goddamn awesome. Their world is ruled by supervillains. In fact, the government even made a law that states that any Epic has immunity to any law. So, they can rule with impunity, without anyone even trying to fuck with them.

But there’s still a select few who challenge the Epics every so often. A group of people who call themselves the Reckoners. The group is made up of a bunch of rebels who are sick and fucking tired of being ruled by asshole supervillains. So, they stalk the night and take out as many Epics as they can. Usually sticking with the minor Epics who can actually be killed.

Then, our hero David joins their ranks. He’s been studying the Epics since his father was killed 10 years earlier. David has compiled a bunch of notebooks which detail certain weaknesses in various Epics, which would make them so much easier to kill.

But of course, the Reckoners tell him to pound sand. Because, conflict. But then, David tells them about some of his research, about the Epic’s weaknesses… And he’s in the club! Yay. This bit seemed very forced. I mean it was so obvious that he would make a perfect addition to the team, that any of their objections just seemed fake and silly. And that just distracted me from the story. Because, I had to suspend belief for that bit. It just wasn’t genuine, and it pissed me off just a tad.

And the swearing… There’s so much fucking swearing in this book. But it’s kind of a young adult book, so there aren’t any real swear words. They say things like “Oh, calamity!” or “Sparks!” or “Shut up, you stupid slontze!” This was another thing that drove me crazy, and distracted me from the story. Again, I had to suspend belief like every other fucking page. Because, goddamnit… People don’t fucking talk like that. Sure, one guy might talk like that, but EVERY TIME SOMEONE SWORE??? Every goddamn character used those fake swear words. It’s just fucking bullshit.

But still, the story was fucking awesome. The slight flaws were made up by the awesome story and characters. I read this book, because after I reviewed The Last Superhero, I was extremely pissed off that there really were no superheros, or even supervillains in that book. With Steelheart, there’s Epics to spare, and I fucking loved it.

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1 of 5 Fucking-Bullshit Stars – Bimbos of the Death Sun by Sharyn McCrumb.

I read this book, hoping for bimbos. Because, goddamnit, there’s fucking bimbos right there in the goddamn title. So, you’d think there would be plenty of skanky-ass bimbos in this book. But no.

Don’t get your hopes up. There are absolutely NO bimbos in this fucking book. Not one. I mean, unless you count geeky fangirls as bimbos, which I certainly don’t.

I mean, come on… We all know what bimbos are. They’re hot, big-breasted women, who are dumber than a box of rocks. If they’re smart, they’re not bimbos. If they got itty-bitty titties, they’re not bimbos, goddamnit.

More to the point, this book isn’t even ABOUT bimbos. Or even a motherfucking ‘Death Sun’, for that matter. It’s a goddamn murder mystery. Set in and around a fucking comic con.

It seemed like this book was just an excuse for the author to make fun of sci-fi and fantasy fans. Because that’s really what this book is. It’s about how fucking pathetic those fans are, sitting in their mom’s basement, eating cheetos, and getting fatter by the minute.

Of course it doesn’t just make fun of the fat-ass guys, it also makes fun of the fangirls who write pathetic fan fiction, and would do anything to just be seen with an author. I mean, anything.

Come on, man. Don’t bash those poor girls. The world needs fangirls who just happen to be total sluts. Without them groupies, what’s the point in writing fantasy and sci-fi? To get rich? Please. Those books don’t sell.

Maybe that’s why this skank author decided to write this book. Because she was sick and tired of watching her fellow authors get panties thrown in their faces. Awww, you poor dear. Eat a bag of dicks, you stupid cunt.

This author needs a good deep-dicking. So, to all you dirty dogs out there… The next time you’re at a comic con, wipe those cheeto crumbs off your shirt and throw that nasty never-been-washed jock strap in this bitch’s face. Maybe you’ll get lucky.

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4 of 5 Roller-Coaster Stars – The Society of Imaginary Friends by Kristen Pham.

I’m pretty sure that most kids experience imaginary friends, from time to time. Especially us geeky types, who didn’t have many real friends. You could always count on your imaginary friends to cheer you up. They would give you reasons not to kill yourself. Or at least, make you feel guilty enough not to do it. Because, they loved you. And even imaginary love is worth sticking around for.

This book tells the story of imaginary friends that really do exist. I mean, they exist elsewhere, on another planet entirely, but they project themselves to earth, like a hologram, to enrich children’s lives.

These imaginary friends, and their world, are full of magic and wonder. Sometimes, they find children on earth who are capable of amazing magic themselves. But the magic will kill them if they stay on earth. Because, reasons.

This story is about a young girl’s journey to this other world. Because, for some reason, Valerie’s oh so special. Bad guys from the other world are sent to attack her, but Valerie’s magic makes her a natural fighter. She turns into a She-Hulk and destroys anyone who tries to stop her.

Okay, she doesn’t really turn into a She-Hulk. But the rage wells up inside her, and her power just goes berserk, and… Goddamnit. It’s just easier to say she turns into a fucking She-Hulk.

And of course, there’s the dreamy boy-toy who has been sent to protect her, on her journey to the other world. But then, Valerie is whisked away to the Globe, in the first ingenious mode of transportation in this book. She’s hurled through outer space in a bubble, that she steers with her mind. So, of course she gets lost immediately.

That’s one of the coolest parts of this book. The unique modes of transportation. From magic tunnels, to magic wind portals, to bending space and time… It’s just amazing and creative.

Valerie finally does find her way to this magical land, where there are even more bad guys after her. I never really did figure out why the fuck everyone is after this girl. There’s really nothing that special about her. Sure, she’s a She-Hulk type fighter, but so what? I mean, she can bring people back from the dead. Big deal.

It’s just like… This whole book is an adrenaline rush, where the characters are always running for their life. Someone is always out to get them. But why? I just can’t figure that bit out. Why do they want to get this girl? I kept thinking that there would be some reveal in the end, about how she’s some kind of legacy, or prophecy that must be stopped or something… But no.

I loved this book because of its amazing world building, and vibrant characters. I actually cared what the fuck happened to this girl. I didn’t know why I cared. I just did. Because these imaginary friends are real, goddamnit. They’re real to me, at least. Don’t judge me!

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4 of 5 Race-Against-Time Stars – Ghost Country by Patrick Lee.

What would you do, if you knew how the world would end? If you knew for a fact that next week, the President of the United States would press that magic button, and our whole world would end in ruin, would you try to stop it?

Not me. I’d wait that shit out, sittin’ on my porch with a shotgun, hoping some zombies would come by. Because, as it is, the world is pretty dull. Nothing interesting ever happens.

I mean, how long has it been since a nuke was dropped? 60 years or so? It’s been too damn long. How the hell is Iraq still a country? It should be a smouldering ruin by now, goddamnit. We’ve got thousands of nukes just laying around doing nothing. It’s time we laid some waste.

In Ghost Country, an artifact has popped out of the Breach, which allows the user to see into the future. Or even open a portal and visit that future.

Well, being the curious fuck-stick that he is, Travis Chase opens a portal, looks around at the wasteland and thinks hey, that might be fun. So, he jumps on in, leaving his love Paige behind. Because, conflict.

So, this whole book is about Paige running around with knowledge of the future. She tries to stop the world from ending, and of course, fails miserably. She really is useless without Travis around to help.

Eventually, Paige says “Fuck this shit,” more or less, and opens a portal to the future to join Travis, who has been fucking around in wasteland for 70 goddamn years. But, of course, he’s had an awesome artifact with him that keeps him young.

Fuck those goddamn artifacts. They ruin everything. Every fucking time. There’s this whole plot thing, where it seems impossible. There’s absolutely no way this can end well. Enter a motherfucking artifact, and wham-o, problem solved. Goddamnit to hell.

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3 of 5 Dead Pigeon Stars – Tito’s Dead by Dermott Hayes.

I feel like I’ve read this book before. Maybe it’s because it reads like a fucking Guy Ritchie film. But with less humor. Well, no humor, in fact. It’s very dry, as Brits are wont to be. That doesn’t make it bad, per se. I mean, take the humor out of Snatch, and it would still be a kick-ass movie.

This book is the story of Tito, or at least, I wish it was the story of Tito. Because, Tito had quite the rich, and interesting life. Tito worked for the mob. How can you not, with a name like ‘Tito’, right? He dealt with whores, and drug dealers, and ruthless smugglers.

Unfortunately, most of this story happens after Tito’s death. But, at least his death was not in vain. See, Tito knew that he was in trouble. He knew that, sooner or later, he’d get off’d by the mob. So, in case of his death, he left a package to be delivered to a local newspaper man, which contained his life story, along with a ledger of the mob’s business.

No, this book isn’t about Tito’s rich and interesting life. It’s about mobsters trying to find the package. And crooked cops, murdering anyone who got in their way. And an Arab diplomat, who just happens to be a terrorist. Because, all Arabs are terrorists, right? Sure they are.

The problem with this book is, it’s NOT a Guy Ritchie film. There’s no vibrant characters at all. Every so-called ‘character’, if you can even call them that, is just plain cardboard. Okay, some aren’t cardboard, they’re straight-up stereotypes instead. Even Tito, who was really the most interesting guy in the story, was still just a cardboard cutout of a character. It’s sad, really.

Overall, this book had a decent story, albeit poorly told. I didn’t care for the author’s style, at all. The lack of actual characters to give a shit about really pissed me off. And the fact that the story was predictable as fuck after the first 100 pages or so, didn’t help the case.

And then there’s the fucking pigeons… Don’t get me started on the goddamn pigeons in this book. Tito’s pet pigeon. The mob guy who’s called The Pigeon. The old lighthouse that’s commonly referred to as ‘The Pigeon House’. The postcard that the dead Tito had in his pocket, that was signed by ‘Paddy the Pigeon’. It goes on and on about these motherfucking pigeons.

I don’t fucking care about the pigeons. They don’t have a goddamn thing to do with this story. And yet, the word ‘pigeon’ is literally used in this book over 100 fucking times. Just for that, the next time I see a fucking pigeon, I’m going to shoot it in its stupid fucking face. Because, fuck pigeons.

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