Tunnel in the Sky – is way too happy

Glenn Hates Books

4 of 5 Lord-of-the-Sci-Fi Stars – Tunnel in the Sky by Robert A. Heinlein.

Awesome book. Quite the compelling read. Damn thing kept me up all night. Once I started it, I couldn’t put it down. Which kind of sucked because I started it around 2am. So, here I am. It’s 6am now, and I just finished this book. And there’s no way I’m getting any sleep because damn… This book was so gripping. It has my mind in a vise.

That being said, the book is pretty much “The lord of the flies” in space. Or, on a different planet, anyway. Its a pretty simple story. It’s just very well written and full of wonder. I do, however, wish there was a bit more conflict. I mean, they throw 100 teenagers on a distant earth-like planet, with just a few knives, and a couple scarce guns. They’re stuck there…

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Tropic of Cancer – is a writer’s wet dream

3 of 5 Hardcore-Porn Stars – Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller.

Apparently, Henry Miller was the Hank Moody of his time. And if you don’t know who Hank Moody is, go watch Californication for fuck’s sake. He’s a fucking rock star of a writer. He gets all the pussy. Does all the blow. And he has a huge cock, like all rock stars do.

This book made me want to be a writer. I mean, many books have inspired me to write, but none other promised so much unending pussy. And anal. This book made the life of a broke and starving writer seem so bloody awesome.

But maybe it had less to do with the idea that writers get all the pussy, and more to do with the fact that this book is set in Paris, France. Because everyone knows that French girls are freaky sluts.

There wasn’t much of a story in this book. It’s not really a story. It’s just the rantings of a sex-crazed writer. I don’t know if you can even call it fiction, because it actually is the story of Miller’s life in Paris.

He sort of blends fact and fiction. Like yes, he did walk down to the corner store to get some milk. But he didn’t really get blown by a 14 year old girl on his way there. Those little details don’t really matter, do they?

It makes me wonder if any of the crazy sex in this book actually happened. I think it’s more likely that he didn’t get laid at all. He was just writing this book and started fantasizing. I mean, why write about how bloody depressed I am? How about writing about some girl fellating me, while I write this epic masterpiece? Yeah. That’s hot.

It’s funny to me that a lot of the best writers of our time are just glorified pornographers. Because that’s what this book is. It’s just porn, from beginning to end. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good porn. It’s literary porn. So you can feel all smart and stuff while you’re jackin’ it.

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Magic Artinia – isn’t magic at all

3 of 5 Super-Bored Stars – Magic Artinia by Alina Grigorovitch

This book is very strange. It’s like a homework assignment. Like the teacher said, “Okay class, I want you to write a story about a unique world. A complete planet, separate from our own.”

In that respect, I’d have to give this author a C-. She created a unique world, sure, but she cheated. All she did is take the Earth, and everything about it, and change a few minor details. Like God. Their God is the same as ours, but it’s Bob. Like, “Bobdamnit!” or “For Bob’s sake, stop being such a cunt!”

And then there’s Diet Coke, or as this world calls it, ‘Diet Crack’. Apparently all soda-pop is referred to as Crack. Not as a joke. I mean, that’s what the fucking government calls it. They have food laws and shit. “You’re only allowed one can of Crack per day…”

Another reason that this book is sub-par, is because of its complete lack of anything resembling a fucking story. It’s like the author spent so much time coming up with her so-called ‘unique world’, that she forgot to actually include a story. Because this book is like a long episode of Seinfeld. It’s pointless. It’s about nothing. It just goes on and on about the normal, every-day life of people on this planet. Nothing interesting happens. Just people going to work. Going on a vacation to Hawaii. Going to school. Who gives a flying fuck?

Oh, but some of these perfectly boring people can actually fly! It’s part of this whole ‘unique world’ thing. People of this planet have what they call ‘tokens’, which are super-power like abilities. Everyone has a token. Some can fly. Some can see really far. Some can do math really well. Some can time travel. And some can bang your mom. Because seriously dude, your mom is nasty.

Okay, fine. An entire world filled with people who have super-powers. Wow, this should be good, right? I mean, with all those super-powers, something cool has got to happen, right? Not even, man. For some reason, nobody really uses their super-powers. Because for them, tokens aren’t really super. Your token is more like a zit on your forehead. You don’t really want to show it off to everyone. In fact, most people of this world hide their tokens, out of embarrassment.

What the fuck? Why do authors have to skullfuck their ideas so much? You create a world full of super-heroes and super-villains. There should be non-stop action, for fuck’s sake. But no. It’s just filing these papers. Getting some coffee. Chatting up some cute girls. Oh. My. Bob. Come on…

There should be so much more action in this fucking book. Not that there has to be non-stop action, mind you. You can make a perfectly good story without any real action at all. Just make it interesting. Have characters that someone might actually give a shit about. Is that so hard? Am I asking too much? I think not.

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Ready Player One – no! I’m not ready!

4 of 5 Golden-Ticket Stars – Ready Player One by Ernest Cline.

So, Willy Wonka and the virtual world. That’s what this book is. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It still makes for a very interesting book. But I still had some issues with it.

The “Ready Player One” bit, for instance. That is a phrase for arcade games, or console games, where there are possibilities of a second player. The way this game is described, everyone has their own console, or actually a visor that logs them into the virtual world. There’s never a second player. At no time would this game ask “Ready Player One”.

That argument aside, this is a very cool book. A compelling read that is only mostly predictable. I mean, from the very beginning, you find out that the protagonist will in fact be the one who wins the contest. So, the rest of the book is just the story of the journey of how he got there.

It’s not very often that an author spoils the entire book from the very first page, but this author does it with style. He’s all “Fuck you, man! This is what’s going to happen… Deal with it.” *Puts on sunglasses*.

This book is about a virtual reality game that everyone on the planet is pretty much addicted to. The creator of the game dies, and wills his vast fortune to whomever can find and solve the many Easter eggs that he scattered throughout the game. It’s a crazy, fun adventure, most of the time.

I’m not going to mention the completely impossible bits that make no sense. Because that would be nit-picky. And, I’m not a nit-picker, damnit. Oh, who am I kidding. I’m totally a nit-picker. Okay, maybe I’ll mention just one bit that made no sense whatsoever. Like the fact that the protagonist spent hours on an arcade version of Ms. Pac-Man, to get a perfect score.

There was no reason for him to do this. He did not know there would be a reward from this accomplishment, that would win him the entire contest. So, why did he set forth to get the perfect score? Just because he has crazy OCD? He never had OCD before that… So, yea. Doesn’t make sense at all.

It was still a very fun book to read. But yea, fuck Willy Wonka. Fuck him in his dirty chocolate asshole.

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Messenger – has a message from the devil

4 of 5 Pesky-Devil Stars – Messenger by Lois Lowry.

This book is one of the low-tech stories in the Giver series. It’s set in a simple village. People have simple lives, working on farms, weaving cloth, smelting iron, etc.

It’s the story of what happens when the devil comes to town. It’s not actually said that the man is, in fact, the devil. But to me, it’s the only logical conclusion.

Because, the devil offers people amazing gifts. He can heal the sick. He can make someone love you. He can give you riches. A beautiful house. A majestic horse. Pretty much anything you desire, the devil can provide.

But of course, there’s a price to be paid for all these gifts. The forest is dying. Hell, their world is dying. So, one boy takes it upon himself to heal their forest, and set everything right that the devil has set wrong.

It really is a heartwarming tale. It seriously pisses me off that there wasn’t much wrong with it. The characters were vibrant. The story was well told.

Most of the time, I find myself rooting for the villain. But in this story, I actually wanted to see good prevail. Because the author actually made me give a shit about the characters. I wanted them to live, and be happy.

This is so uncharacteristic of me. I usually enjoy the pain and suffering on the page. But with this book, I really wanted to see the devil get what he deserved. And so, he did.

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Extras – has too many extras

Glenn Hates Books

3 of 5 Extra Girly Stars – Extras by Scott Westerfeld

This book is aptly titled, because it doesn’t need to exist. It’s like a forced book, in an otherwise decent series. It really should have ended with Specials. But nooo… Authors gots to get paid, right?

This book is the story of Aya Fuse, and her obsession with being famous. It’s kind of a social media type story. The cool kids, known as “kickers” are always kicking stories to the ‘net, to get fame, or what reddit would call karma, or something.

It’s stupid. It’d definitely a teeny-bopper thing. Getting your selfie noticed on facebook, or doing something stupid and filming it for youtube. That’s what happens for the majority of this book, just Aya filming stupid shit with her hover-drone, and posting it to wherever in order to get followers, or fame.

And of course, there’s some…

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Haunted – is not haunted

3 of 5 Sick-And-Twisted Stars – Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk.

I wouldn’t call this a novel. It’s a novella, at best, that creates a setting for the characters within the novella to tell their short stories. Frankly, this would have been a better book if was just a collection of short stories without the bullshit novella that ties them all together. It doesn’t need that connection. The short stories have nothing to do with the novella that is intertwined.

Most of the time, I found myself skipping, or skimming most of the novella, and just reading the sort stories. Because, the short stories were mostly quite insane and interesting to read. The novella was boring as fuck. Sure, they had to resort to cannibalism to stay alive, but who gives a fuck? All of those characters are useless assholes, who deserve to get eaten anyway.

So, yea. This book is completely fucked in the head. I’m pretty sure the author was on acid when he wrote this shit. I’m glad I read it, for the completely fucked up bits, but I’m still pissed off that I had to wade through the bullshit of that novella just to get to the good short story bits.

There’s the guy who got his guts sucked out his butthole, because he was sitting on the pool drain, while masturbating. There’s the call girl who only does ‘foot jobs’. She can end your life, just by massaging your feet. A nun who kills people with a bowling ball. A chef who kills critics who give him a bad review. (Oh shit! Fuck. I’m a dead man…)

I persisted to the end, just for the fucked up parts. But they were hard to find. Like mining for shit-covered gold. Often times, the worthless fucking novella got in the way of the short stories that it was supporting, and it was hard to tell them apart. In this fashion, it was actually work to get through this book. I had to like, concentrate or something. It hurt my tiny wittle brain.

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The Other Normals – isn’t normal at all

Glenn Hates Books

5 of 5 Must-Read Stars – The Other Normals by Ned Vizzini.

Very cool book. Quite fun to read. It has real characters that I actually gave a fuck about. This is a rare thing, in my experience. There was romance, and sexual tension. Lots of real-world battle, not just in-game fighting.

This is the story of fifteen-year-old Peregrine “Perry” Eckert, and his obsession with a D&D type game. But the game is ripped from his hands, as he is sent to summer camp, when the real world takes on a fantasy game-like reality. Perry is dragged off, into the woods, by an odd stranger, who is most likely going to rape him. But unfortunately, instead of a rape-fest, Perry is taken to an alternate reality, where there are gnomes, and trolls, and hot elf bitches.

At this point, I really thought that Perry had just lost his fucking mind, or…

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Runner – is The Breach, with more running

Glenn Hates Books

3 of 5 Frantic Stars – Runner by Patrick Lee.

This reminds me a lot of The Breach, which makes sense, because it’s by the same author. But the situation it starts with is almost the same. Girl bumps into some random guy who just happens to be the perfect guy to help her run/escape/solve the puzzle, etc. At least, in this story, the randomness of the perfect guy for the job is explained in the end.

This story is about a teenage girl who can read minds, who is running from some government spooks who want to use her for evil. So, she bumps into an ex-military special forces type guy, who’s just out for a morning jog. She tells him a brief story of woe, and he helps her evade her captors.

Of course, this special forces guy doesn’t know there’s a whole army of mind-readers out…

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Super Anybody – is super dead

3 of 5 Mind-Controlling-Zombie Stars – Super Anybody by Brent Meske.

I have to say that this book is an improvement over the first book in this series. Just barely. It seemed more real to me. I didn’t even notice the complete absence of profanity. I did, however, notice the continued theme of brilliant skullfucking.

The author of this book assured me that there would be less skullfucking in this book. Something tells me that he’s not very familiar with one of my favorite terms. You see, skullfucking is a true artform. You take a perfectly good story and completely wreck it. And let me tell ya, this author is a real skullfuck artist.

Because the first half of this book is horseshit. So much teenage angst, it nearly made me puke. And oh noes, daddy’s acting weird. And mom’s turned into a complete bitch. Nevermind the fact that there’s a bunch of teenagers running around town with superpowers.

No, that’s not important. Forget that shit. Nothing to see here. See, that’s how you skullfuck a story. Just ignore the good parts, and go on and on about teenage bullshit. Oh, I wonder if that girl likes me. I think I’ll have some coffee. My dad’s banging my teacher… Who the fuck cares?

This book is about an entire town being mind controlled by some evil asshole. He wants to activate all the angsty teens, so their new-found superpowers will cause complete chaos, and destroy the city. Okay, fine, when do we get to that part? Does the book start there, or does it take a couple chapters to get going?

Fuck no, the book doesn’t start there. The book drags on and on for over 100 pages, before any of that cool shit starts to happen. And that’s when our so-called protagonist, Michael, finally gets his powers. He can do some kind of mind control shit. And he has strange visions.

And then he dies. Because, he’s a fucking idiot. But he’s not really dead. Or something. So he does some sort of zombie mind-control, or astral-projection, or something to try and help his friends battle the bad guy.

I don’t get this. The entire series of these books are centered around dumbass Michael. So why kill him? Or disable him at all? He’s the jackass who’s supposed to carry the story forward, goddamnit. What the fuck? Even though the kid is a useless cunt most of the time, he’s still the primary character. So to me, his so-called death just stalled the story. And for why? I have no fucking idea.

Then, Michael wakes up, just in time to have his epic showdown with Voldemort. Seriously, that’s totally what this story reminds me of. Michael had an encounter with this Voldemort character, when he was just a wee lad. The Voldemort guy tried to take away Michael’s powers then, but failed. Just like fucking Harry Potter.

I say that this story is an improvement over the first, just because the second half of this book was actually worth reading. It finally became a fun adventure. It actually un-skullfucked itself into a decent story for a second or two.

But then, out of fucking nowhere, the skullfucking returns, and Michael climbs a tower and fucking kills himself. For no apparent reason. What the fuck, man? Everyone knows that Michael is going to return. It’s just not shocking anymore, after he died the first time.

Wait… That was Michael’s father Michael who climbed the tower and tried to kill himself. I’m so fucking confused right now. Why the bloody fuck are so many people in this book named Michael?

I get that the author is just trying to set up his next book in the series. But that just pisses me off. I’m only going to read the next book if these books are actually good, not because of a goddamn cliffhanger.

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