3 of 5 Chilled-Butt-Hole Stars – White Walker by Richard Schiver

I’m pretty sure that all call centers are some form of hell. I mean, every time I get a telemarketing call, I politely listen to their pitch. I even ask questions. Like, “Oh really? And how long is this offer available? No way! You’ve got to be kidding me…” Then, after they are sure the sale is imminent, I say “Just kidding, man. Go fuck yourself!” and abruptly hang up on ’em. Good times, man.

This book is about a call center that’s surrounded by a wicked snow storm. How the fuck all the characters in this book actually got to work during such a storm, is anyone’s guess. I mean, if you’re working at a goddamn call center, wouldn’t you look for ANY fucking reason to stay home?

Seriously, if it was snowing, there’s no fucking way I’m dragging my stupid ass to a goddamn call center. I’m calling in, that’s for sure. “Umm, yeah… My car is like stuck. There’s just no way I can get there, man. So sorry.” Because, fuck that job. It’s hell.

Apparently, along with the storm came the Devil. Or at least that’s what he seems like to me. He roams the streets looking for prey. Looming in the shadows of the storm. He offers one woman the life of her dreams, in exchange for her first born child. And he burns down a schoolhouse, with the teacher and children still inside.

But wait, the children don’t want to cross over to heaven or hell, or whatever the fuck. So they haunt the call center? Yeah, that makes sense. The children haunt the call center, and introduce themselves to random call center employees. This is the fun part, because when the children touch a living soul, that guy burns to the ground. Like full-on face melting shit.

The Devil, or snow monster, or White Walker, whatever you want to call him… He comes to the call center to retrieve the children that didn’t cross over to hell. And the unborn child that he was promised. Because everyone at this call center is fucking each other. Even though it’s totally against company policy. Like that stops anybody from fucking. Come on…

The best part of this book is the ending. Teddy (who the fuck names a ‘hero’ Teddy?) and his girlfriend flee the ravaging snow storm, and move the fuck to Florida. Because fuck snowstorms. That’s fucking awesome. He’s sitting on a beach, sipping a cool drink and thinking, Fuck those idiots that died in that call center. Now that’s some kind of hero, right there.

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  1. ajoobacats says:

    This book sounds seriously disturbing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. evamarasca says:

    The first thought was Game of Thrones – I guess not.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. gegrizzle says:

    Reblogged this on Glenn Hates Books and commented:

    —— After reading this book, I’m so glad I never worked in a fucking call center.


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