Archive for February, 2015

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3 of 5 Look-Who’s-Talking-Now Stars – Allegiant by Veronica Roth.

Shortly after starting this book, I got worried. I started to think that Tris was most certainly going to die. It was the only explanation for why the perspective kept jumping around from Tris, to Four, to some other jackass…

I mean, the first two books were written in the first person, from the Tris perspective. And then this book, jumping around from one perspective to another, was not only annoying as fuck, but it was very telling as to what’s going to happen to the narrator of the other books. She’s going to fucking die. There’s no other explanation for the other perspectives.

If you can get past these bullshit perspectives, and just try to enjoy the actual story in the book, it’s actually a decent book. There’s lots of action. There’s betrayal. Love gained, and love lost. A jail break. And finally, the death of the most annoying whiney-ass bitch, the angst-ridden Tris. Thank god.

This story centers around a rebellion. The people who call themselves the Allegiant. They are determined to get back to their old way of life. Where they’re all sorted into factions. So, I guess the Allegiant just want to go back to being mindless drones. Wow. So rebellious.

This book is also about finding out the truth about their society. How it came to be. What really are the Divergent? I mean, are they trying to get rid of the Divergent people, or are they, in fact, the reason for the whole society in the first place?

The description of how their walled-up society came to be is just fucking retarded. The Purity Wars? Seriously? There was a war about who’s genetically pure, and who’s supposedly flawed? That’s just silly. Then again, there have been wars about sillier things. Like religion. And slavery.

And yes, the Divergent are, in fact, the chosen ones. They are the genetically pure ones. But, unfortunately, it turns out that Four isn’t a real Divergent. He’s just slightly Divergent. So, he’s still flawed. So he and Tris break up, because who wants to be with someone who’s flawed. Awwww. So sad.

But don’t worry. They get back together, just before she dies. Because, drama and shit. The stupid thing is, there really was no need for her to die. I really don’t get it. In fact, I think the story would have been much better if she lived. Oh well. One less whiney-ass bitch.

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Super Nobody – is super boring

Posted: February 23, 2015 in Fiction

Glenn Hates Books

18882112    FREE for Kindle at Amazon

2 of 5 Suck-Fest Stars – Super Nobody by Brent Meske

Apparently, this book was specifically written to be kid-friendly. In other words, there’s no profanity. Well, fuck that shit. But it also seemed that it wasn’t just profanity that was kept out of the book. Pretty much anything that any parent might find offensive, is left out of this book. So what’s left is a total suck-fest.

With the premise of this book, you’d think that there would be some fun to be had. I mean, the story centers around a Junior High which is stocked full of teenage super-heroes. Well, not all of them are super-heroes. Some have yet to activate, like the main kid the story is centered around.

Why the bloody fuck do you write a story about super-heroes, only to center on the one kid who isn’t one? Just…

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4 of 5 Unemployed Stars – Lyric the Unknown by Jim Maher.

This is a great book. I fucking loved it. Maybe it’s because I played the violin as a child, or maybe it’s because it’s a complete rip-off of In the After, but I don’t care. It’s still fucking awesome.

It’s the story of a young girl who hates her fucking violin. I can relate, because I hated mine too. I couldn’t play for shit. I couldn’t even read music. But one time, I was glad I had it with me. A few bullies cornered me as I was walking to school. But they soon left me alone as I raised my violin case and said “Bring it, bitches!”

Young Lyric was practicing her violin one day, when all the sudden, the end of the world came. She could see people running and screaming in the streets below her building, as monsters took over the city. Her sister and mother were taken, shrouded in a cocoon, and dragged to the bowels of the city.

Lyric wakes up 50 years later, still clutching her violin and bow. She uses her violin to bust out of the cocoon, and finds herself in complete darkness. Soon, she is chased by hideous monsters. She flees, finds some stairs, and is saved by a kind stranger.

She awakes to a whole new world. The world of The Heights, where it’s safe from the monsters. Because, apparently the monsters are like vampires or something. They burn in sunlight, so they stay in the bowels of the city.

Lyric is introduced to The Council, where they discuss her future. She’s told that she is an ‘Unknown’, which to me was quite a mysterious thing. What does it mean? Does she have like super-powers, or something? No, it just means that she doesn’t have a job. Seriously? That’s so fucking retarded. I expected so much more from the ‘Unknown’ idea, but I guess the author didn’t have time to come up with something cool. Damn.

She’s put through a test, where they try to find out what she’s good for. What can she do? Can she be a Healer? Fuck no. A map-maker? No fucking way. She’s fucking useless. She fails all the tests, and is doomed to exile, unless she can make herself useful.

So, out of boredom, she busts out her violin, and plays some music. And somehow, everyone is amazed. They’ve never heard music before. Seriously? Okay, it’s 50 years in the future. So, it’s what, 2065? How the fuck none of these people have heard music before, I don’t understand. I mean, nobody sings in the shower? Come on…

It’s explained, sort of. The creator of this world had a flaw in his design. Music fucks everything up. So, he bans it. That still doesn’t explain why someone wouldn’t sing in the shower. It doesn’t explain the complete lack of knowledge that music ever existed. I mean, murder is against the law, but it happens every day anyway. There’s just no way you can completely remove music from a society.

Parts of this book needed more detail. The so-called testing, for instance. It’s like she entered the testing area, talked to some testing bitch, and it’s over. Next chapter. What the bloody fuck? How about some actual tests, goddamnit? I wanna know how she fails so miserably at everything.

But I guess that’s what makes this book so good. Because I kept wanting more. And it was fucking hilarious. I literally laughed out loud several times. And cried. What the fuck is wrong with me?

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2 of 5 Zombified Stars – The Girl with All the Gifts by M.R. Carey.

Why are there so many fucking zombie stories? So many different varieties, but zombies nonetheless. From the title, and book cover, and even the blurb, I couldn’t tell that this was going to be a zombie story. In fact, I imagined a completely different story. A better story.

I thought this book was going to be about a girl who really had all the gifts. Like, maybe she had some form of ESP. Maybe she could set fires with her mind. Hell, she could have been like Rogue, from X-Men and I wouldn’t have been too surprised. Because, that’s what I expected. A girl with gifts.

But that’s not what this book is about. It’s about goddamn fucking zombies. Or, “hungries” as they’re called in this book. They have an insatiable hunger for human flesh…

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2 of 5 Do-As-I-Say-Not-As-I-Do Stars – On Writing by Stephen King.

This book is bullshit. If Stephen King followed his own advice in this book, his books would only be about 100 pages long.

Don’t get me wrong, he does give some good advice in this book. For instance: write every day. Good advice, sure. Be concise, and to the point. Good advice as well. But can anyone say that King’s books are concise and to the point? Not really. If anything, they’re the exact opposite.

Here’s some more of his keen wisdom from this book: if you can write a sentence with fewer words and still convey the same idea, use fewer words. This is the bit that gets me. It’s great advice. I use this advice. But King’s books are always chock-full of filler bullshit words/paragraphs/complete chapters that don’t fucking need to be there.

His novel Insomnia, for instance. 672 motherfucking pages. There’s about a 100 page decent story buried in that pile of pages. It’s like this for most of his books. They are just full of bullshit filler.

I used to love King’s books, back in the day. The Shining was fucking awesome. So was Carrie. But since then, he’s just been pumping out the pages for no real reason.

So, fuck Stephen King in his dirty asshole. Because, fuck man. Take your own advice, for fuck’s sake, and stop filling your books with page after page of blithering fat.

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Glenn Hates Books

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5 of 5 Badass-Chick Stars – In the End by Demitria Lunetta.

This is an awesome fucking book. Even better than the first one, In the After. In this book, there’s so much more conflict and action. It’s an unrelenting race to the end. No dull moments whatsoever.

This is the story of Amy, and her fucked up world, where the planet is overrun by monsters that people thought were aliens, but turned out to be humans that were infected by some bio-weapon that turned them into some kind of plant-like zombie monster called a Florae. They might as well be zombies, because they eat human flesh, and you turn into one if you’re bitten.

In this book, Amy has escaped from her torment at the Ward in New Hope, and is heading off to another civilized shelter called Fort Black. But that place isn’t quite as civilized as…

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2 of 5 Space-Dildo Stars – 2147 by SDZ Whitaker.

Can you imagine the Earth with 15 billion motherfuckers on it? I can’t. That’s too many goddamn people. Just imagine all those fuckers arguing all the time. It would be hell on Earth. There’s no way our population would get that much out of control. At some point, Al Gore, or some other green nutjob would have dropped a bomb and wiped out at least 1/4 of that population. Just sayin’.

This book is about one such population problem. The solution, of course, is to find some way to populate some other planets. To spread our herpes to the rest of the galaxy, and hope for the best. So some scientist guy designs a faster than light drive, and our world is about to be saved…

But then the aliens came. They came all over the place. On their TV screens. On the walls. On the cat. Because, apparently, unbeknownst to us, the Earth is really one big reality TV show. You know, like that one South Park episode.

Oh, and aliens have been living on the Earth for hundreds of years, just waiting for the right time to strike. Jacking off constantly to their live-streaming Earth porn. But hey man, you can only jack off so many times, before you have to venture outside and wreak some havoc.

And then comes the politics. Fuck politics, man. I fucking hate politics. It ruins so many stories, it just pisses me off so much. Seriously. I mean, wouldn’t The Hunger Games be about 9 billion times better without all the goddamn political horseshit? Damn right, it would.

Like 90% of this goddamn book is politics. The Earth’s government having meetings about what the fuck to do with these perverted aliens. The alien government having meetings to discuss their overwhelming shortage of lube. You know, the important issues of their time.

Then the book turns into Independence Day. Because the light-speed scientist can’t figure out how to build a good enough space ship that won’t just rip apart as soon as it hits light speed. But hey, he’s seen some movies, man. He knows what’s up.

So he steals one of the alien spaceships, and gets his hacker girlfriend to design a dildo-looking transmitter on the outside of their new-found ship, so they can hack into the alien mothership, just in case they got lost. Seriously. They hack into the mothership, not to save the world and all that happy horseshit, but to get maps. MAPS!?

Yeah, apparently they were like really really lost, and there was no fucking way the scientist dude was going to stop by a gas station and ask for directions. No, couldn’t do that. For one, there weren’t any gas stations floating out in space, and for another, his girlfriend would totally think he was a pussy if he stopped and asked some local hillbilly for directions. So, fuck that. Just hack the mothership. That makes sense.

With their sexy new maps, the scientist dude and his girlfriend slip through a wormhole in space, and are stopped by another alien spaceship on the other side of the wormhole. The humans almost inadvertently started an all-out galactic war, until one of the aliens recognized them.

Then the humans start their new careers as intergalactic porn stars. Because that’s the only way I can make this book sound interesting. Seriously, it’s not interesting at all. It’s boring as fuck, in fact. Too much politics, and not enough porn.

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5 of 5 Alien Stars – In The After by Demitria Lunetta.

This book was excellent. I started reading it one night, after the power went out. I lost track of time, as I sat there, reading by candlelight. Hours ticked by, and finally, the power came back on. I was about 2/3 through this book, when I went back to whatever I was doing before the power went out. But, I couldn’t shake this book. So, I went back to it, and finished it that night. I just couldn’t put it down.

It’s the story of an alien invasion. A young girl named Amy is stranded, after her parents were killed. She bunkers down in her house, which was quite fortified, because her parents were crazy hippy survivalist nuts. The house even had an electric fence that surrounded it, which actually help keep the aliens out.

She watches as…

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2 of 5 Gone-Girl-On-A-Train Stars – The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins.

This book is just a goddamn soap opera. This chick banged that dude. That dude cheated with that whore. And OMG two chicks are doing it. Sweet.

But then comes the revenge. Everyone has to get revenge, right? Some guy finds out his wife is cheating, so he starts banging some other chick. But of course that chick is married too. So her husband goes out and bangs yet another chick. And so begins the endless cycle of revenge fucks.

This book is about an ugly fat bitch who rides the train every day, and sees people living their perfect lives, in their perfect little neighborhood. After a while, she gets tired of being a spectator, and inserts herself into the perfect people’s lives. She pretends to be the wife’s friend, or something.

Then some guy gets sick and tired of his cheating whore of a wife. That bitch just can’t see reason, man. She just won’t shut the fuck up. On and on with the nagging. So he bashes her head in with a rock, as you do. And then the fun begins…

After the head bashing, this book turns into a cheap rip-off of Gone Girl. Because the dude’s wife goes missing, and of course he’s their prime suspect. But wait, maybe she’s not missing at all. Maybe she’s just sick and tired of this sociopath asshole, and ran off, or something. Yeah, ya think? Maybe.

Then there’s some shit about someone’s unwanted baby that they buried at the beach. Because babies are fucking annoying. All that goddamn screaming! Shut up, you stupid cunt baby! I’m trying to jack it to some lezbo porn here, and you’re just ruining the mood.

In the end, I don’t understand why this book is so popular. They’ll probably make it into a goddamn movie, just like fucking Gone Girl. I don’t know why, because it’s pretty much the same goddamn story. Only with more cheating cunts and asshole husbands. Okay, wait… I might actually watch that.

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5 of 5 Mind-Fuck Stars – John Dies at the End by David Wong.

I hate to tell you this, but John does not, in fact, die at the end of this book. No, he dies in the middle of the book. But then he comes back to life. Because, zombies or whatever the fuck. Don’t ask me to try to explain this book to you, because it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

It really is the most brilliantly-written nonsense I’ve ever read. I couldn’t get enough of it. I read every goddamn word, my eyes glued to the page. Was it because of the amazing characters? Or a fascinating story, perhaps? Not really. It was just the most unpredictable Roller-Coaster ride I’ve ever been on. And I loved every second of it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that the characters, or the story, are bad. They’re just fucking weird. The whole story is just one long acid trip, as far as I can tell.

This book is about David, and his friend John, who are paranormal investigators of sorts. Because one day, at a party, they took some acid, or ‘soy sauce’ as they call it. They call it that, because it’s black, and kind of indescribable. It’s some kind of alien substance, that has a life of its own. If you don’t want to take it, that’s fine. It will find its way inside you, somehow.

Ever since they took the soy sauce, they can see monsters, and ghosts, and strange things happening in their town. So every time something strange happens, they are called upon to help. And let me tell ya, something strange happens in their ‘Undisclosed’ town all the fucking time.

After John is supposedly killed, David is arrested. He thinks he’s in big trouble, until his friend John calls him up and explains that David is not really being detained. John says that that big guy who looks like a police detective, isn’t really there. He tells David to just walk out of the police station.

So he does, but then his phone starts to die. So, John tells him to buy a hotdog at a street vendor. “Okay, now put the hotdog up to your ear, like a phone. And talk to me, man.” David does this, and is amazed that the hotdog does indeed work as a perfectly good phone. Because John is just inside David’s head, you see.

So, David sets out to find John’s killer, still talking on the hotdog-phone, with mustard drooling down his chin. “Dude, can I just eat this hotdog? I’m really hungry, man.” David asks his dis-embodied friend. “Fuck no. You eat that hotdog, and I’m dead, dude,” his friend replies.

The book goes on like this, with David fighting off monsters by himself, until he is finally reunited with his dead friend. Then they get to kill the big boss-monster. After going through a portal to a different dimension, of course. In that world, all the girls are naked, and they all worship David and John, as you do. Because they are the chosen sacrifices to their real god, the boss-monster.

I told you this book was a big fucking acid trip. It makes absolutely no fucking sense, and yet, at the same time, it’s bloody fascinating. It’s just rain wreck after train wreck.

I can’t recommend this book enough. It’s one of my all-time favorites. The book itself has crept into my brain, just like the soy sauce. It has infected me, and I’m glad for it. At least I don’t see ghosts and monsters yet. That would suck. I’d hate to have to solve everyone’s fucked-up problems.

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