Archive for March, 2015

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4 of 5 Dirty-Whore Stars – One For The Money by Janet Evanovich.

A very fun book. There are so many crazy, fucked up characters in this book, it’s just awesome. I guess, what makes it more interesting to me, is that I know fucked up people like this. They really exist, and I hate them so much. They make for great conflict though, which is what every good story needs.

This story is about Stephanie Plum, who ends up going to work as a bounty hunter for her shady bail bondsman cousin. Of course, Steph doesn’t know how to use a gun. She’s just a stupid Jersey girl, right? But no, she turns out to be quite adept in picking up the trade. Albeit in a bumbling bimbo sort of way.

Then there’s the sexy hunk bounty hunter who helps her out from time to time. You know she wants to fuck him, but of course he just brushes her off, which just makes you want the coupling even more. Then there’s her old high school boyfriend who’s a cop, and helps her catch bad guys as well.

Because apparently, stupid Steph is fucking useless by herself. I mean, really… I don’t know why the fuck her cousin hired her. If it weren’t for her numerous boy toys, she’d never catch any bad guys. So what’s the fucking point?

Oh, I get it. It’s just a sneaky trick. Because without Steph working there, her boy toys would never help out. That’s one sneaky cousin, right there. So I guess she does get the job done, in the end. So she does it with pussy and feminine charm. Big deal. Whores don’t get no respect.

I really liked this book. It was a fun, quick read. And there’s no cardboard characters in this book. They’re all sassy, and full of spunk. Well, at least the guys are full of spunk. Oh wait, I guess the chicks are full of spunk too. Well, unless they spit instead of swallow.

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3 of 5 Emo-Hades Stars – Dark Souls (Divine Darkness #1) by J.N. Colon.

Hades leaves the Underworld to go back to high school as a hot, brooding teenager. This has got to be a laugh riot, right? Not so much. In fact, it’s not even a little bit funny. It’s just silly, is what it is.

It’s silly because Hades goes to high school to retrieve some souls that escaped the Underworld, but he gets distracted by a shiny thing. A hot and shiny cheerleader. And he pines for her like a goddamn puppy dog. It’s so retarded. Since when was Hades such a sensitive faggot?

He roams around school, devouring random souls, like you do. Like the monster he’s supposed to be. But then Hartley wanders by and he just starts stammering like a pimply faced freshman. He must have her. But lo, what is this? She’s got a fucking boyfriend? Nooooooooooooooooo!

And then Thor shows up to the same goddamn high school. Hades is all like, “What the fuck man? Get your own goddamn high school.”

And Thor goes, “Hey bro. I’m just trying out for the football team, man. I hear they gots some fine ass cheerleaders at this school.”

Okay, so it’s not really Thor. It’s Hercules. But Thor’s more cooler. So, fuck you.

But Thor’s not a goddamn pussy, like Hades. Thor goes right on up to Hartley, Hades’ favorite cheerleader, and flirts with her mercilessly. Of course, Hartley’s boyfriend doesn’t take kindly to some Norse god hitting on his girl, especially when this book is about Greek gods.

After some harsh words, Hartley and her boyfriend finally do break up. Then, Hades swoops in for the kill. To finally finish his job, and take her soul back to the Underworld. Wait, no he doesn’t. Because he’s a goddamn pussy. So, he just starts stalking her. Following her around town. Hiding in her closet, and jacking off while she does her fucking homework.

I don’t understand this book. It’s a very uncharacteristic portrayal of these well-known Greek god archetypes. I mean, Hades is the good guy, and Thor (Hercules) is the bad guy? How does that make any fucking sense at all? It doesn’t. It’s fucking stupid.

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2 of 5 Stupid-Cunt Stars – The Healer by Christoph Fischer.

This book is very repetitive. “Heal me!” “No, I don’t want to. Fuck off.” “Come on, heal me please!” “No. Eat a dick.” “But but… I’ve got shit tons of money!” “Fine, give it to me. Now, kindly fuck off.”

This book is about a healing guru who is hiding out in the country on an old farm. He has no interest in practicing medicine anymore, because he was discredited many years ago. He used to heal people for ridiculous amounts of money. He’d literally require his clients to give him half of their net worth.

Of course, this screams ‘SCAM ARTIST’. But this stupid cunt, Erica, thinks he’s the real deal. She’s dying of cancer, and has plenty of money, and is happy to part with half of it, if this fucking hippy can actually cure her. So she seeks him out, and finds his farm only to be told ever so kindly to ‘fuck off’.

Because the healer doesn’t want to have anything to do with healing anymore. He’s done with that shit. It got him in so much trouble in the past that he’s not even the slightest bit interested in healing just one more person. But Erica is a persistent little cunt.

She argues with The Healer over and over, assuring him that she wouldn’t possibly tell anyone about his magical healing powers. No, she wouldn’t do that, no way. And she’s some powerful ad exec who doesn’t take no for an answer, so she just keeps at it, until he finally caves.

“Fine,” he says. “Give me all your money. Every last fucking penny. Then maybe I’ll treat you. Until I’ve got the cash, kindly fuck off.” So she gets the cash, and he does treat her, by injecting her with his magic jizz juice. No, he doesn’t actually fuck her. That would have made the story much more interesting. He just injects her with his magic jizz with a needle. Taking all the fun out of it. Fucking bastard.

But is his magic jizz really magic? Or is it just a cleverly disguised saline solution? Who’s to say. But he does cure her, and she goes on her merry way, broke as fuck.

Then there’s this whole conspiracy thing, about some drug company that wants to secure the rights to The Healer’s magic jizz juice. But of course, he wants no part of it. So there are lawsuits and blackmail, and all sorts of sneaky business going on.

Then Erica’s cancer comes back. Fucking great. Now we get to do all this shit all over again. Fuck me sideways. So no, I didn’t care for this book at all. It had some interesting plot twists in the end, but it was too little too late.

The entire time reading this, all I wanted was for someone to shoot that fucking twat Erica in her goddamn face. Because that’s really what she deserves. Cancer is just too good for her.

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3 of 5 Stupid Cunt Stars – The Last Superhero by Astrid Cruz.

While reading this, I wanted to punch the stupid fucking cunt of a narrator in the face so many times. She’s such a whiney little bitch. I mean, in the very first chapter, some guy walks into her bookstore and she just swears at him under her breath. Asshole. Fucking jerkoff. Get the fuck out of my store…

And then, of course, she falls in love with him. Because he’s the most interesting man in the universe. The last so-called superhero. But this isn’t the story of the last superhero. Because there’s really nothing heroic about him.

This is the story of romance, between a twenty-something stupid cunt, and a 100+ year old washed-up has-been superhero. I don’t understand it, because when she first sees him, wandering through her bookstore, not only is she silently swearing at…

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4 of 5 Something-Something-Dark-Side Stars – Sunfall by James Austin McCormick.

This is a very cool book. But it reminds me way too much of Star Wars. I mean, it’s got the scruffy young nerf herder guy who’s a cross between Han Solo and Luke Skywalker. Because he’s a rebel with his own Millennium Falcon. He’s good with fixing things, like Luke. And of course, he saves the princess.

Because yes, there’s also a goddamn Princess Lea. I’m surprised there wasn’t a fucking wookie. But wait, there’s more! There’s a mutant Darth Vader. He’s a genetically modified killing machine. An assassin. And I guess, kind of a bounty hunter. So it’s like Darth Vader and Boba Fett butt fucked and made this guy. Awesome.

(Just imagine the text below scrolling like Star Wars)

Long, long ago… In a galaxy far, far away… Luke Skywalker, I mean Zac, meets this girl who needs to catch a ride to Mars…

(Okay, end the scrolling… This is getting silly)

This story is about the destruction of Mars by the Death Star. Okay, there’s no Death Star. But still. I mean the similarities are staggering. But Mars is actually doomed to be wiped out by some solar storm, or some such shit. And the princess has the magic technology to save the planet.

Okay, she’s not really a princess. Sana is just a really rich girl, with really rich and brilliant parents. They developed the technology to save an entire planet with self-replicating nano-thingies. And Sana is wandering around a space port with this nano-tube that’s worth billions.

In comes the nerf herder. He agrees to take her to Mars for a bajillion credits, because he’s a selfish cunt, just like Han Solo. And of course he owes some kind of debt to the mob boss at the space station. Just like the cantina scene in fucking Star Wars.

Zac and Sana flee to the Millennium Falcon, and barely escape the space station alive. But wait, the Darth Vader and Boba Fett butt baby is hot on their trail. He’s a fucking killing machine on a rampage, and he will stop at nothing to get the precious nano-tube.

Really, nothing can stop this fucking guy. He’s one strong butt baby, that’s for sure. I mean, his spaceship slams head-on with a fucking asteroid, exploding and shattering to pieces, and this fucking guy survives to continue the chase. He’s like the goddamn Terminator, this guy.

I could go on and on, because this really is a great story. It would have been five stars for sure, if it didn’t remind me so much of Star Wars. But it’s still a fun story to read, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who loves science fiction.

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4 of 5 Standard-Fantasy Stars Pawn of Prophecy by David Eddings.

This book raped my virgin brain. It was the very first book I read for my own pleasure, when I was twelve years old. Before I read this book, I hated every single book I ever read. Because those books were for school. And I fucking hated school. Teachers never assigned books like this. They assigned books that sucked donkey balls.

Pawn of Prophecy made me want to become a writer. Because this book showed me what was possible. It showed me the depth of imagination. The depth of character. And the depth of a good story. Because the characters in this book were so real to me. I felt for them, and I actually cared what happened to them. I had never experienced this before. After hating so many books, it was a strange feeling.

But that feeling soon faded, as the story in this book started to suck. That’s when I started writing my first story. Because I was so pissed off that the author chose to take my beloved characters in such a retarded direction. So I started writing my own version of the story. It was bigger, better, faster, and it sucked even worse than Eddings’ story.

So I went back to this book, and finished it. I finally put my faith in the author, and I’m glad I did. Because yes, this story could have been better. But it was told with such skill that in the end, I didn’t give a fuck where the story went, as long as I could keep reading about my favorite characters.

This story is about a stupid teenager named Garion, who’s apparently the heir to some throne, or something. It really is a very standard fantasy tale. Some nobody is needed for some special mission, or quest. They gather together a rag-tag bunch of ruffians, and trek through the wilderness and mountains to find some thing, or person that will save humanity. Or something.

When I read this book the first time, I wasn’t aware that this was the standard fantasy gig. I thought it was completely original. I hadn’t read The Hobbit, or The Lord of the Rings yet. I didn’t know! I’m sorry, okay? Nobody told me. I was just a scared little boy, reading a good book for the first time. I didn’t know if I needed to lube my butthole or not.

Still, in my opinion, this book is better than those Tolkien books. Yes, it’s the same goddamn story. But for some reason, I cared more about this one. I think it’s because the characters were so well crafted. It wasn’t the story, that’s for sure. Because this group of friends/lovers/bandits travel the countryside, looking for the Orb, or whatever.

They don’t find it, of course. Because there’s four more books to get through, for fuck’s sake. So the actual story in this book is quite short. They come to a castle and engage in battle to defend it. Garion  is nearly captured, but escapes. Then there’s a bunch of chit-chat about how this guy banged that guy and Garion’s aunt turns out to be his uncle, and all that happy horseshit.

But the chit-chat is what makes this book fun to read. Because the characters are actually interesting, and funny. I loved them, I really did. And in the end, I’m glad I got my mind raped by this book. Because it literally changed my life.

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2 of 5 Bored-Me-To-Tears Stars – Patrizio by David Tanager.

I really can’t recommend this story to anyone. Because it’s just not worth it. It’s not worth reading, that is. It’s only worth two stars because at least it’s well written. Other than that, it’s a complete waste of the few pages it occupies. Thirty-one pages of an old man’s drivel.

This is the story of love and loss. Of death and sorrow. A story of an old man contemplating suicide, and a young boy who tries to stop him. It’s set in a bar, apparently in Italy. But to me it obviously wasn’t in Italy, because the grammar wasn’t correct. But as long as the bad grammar is ‘well written’, it’s okay, right? Wrong.

At thirty-one pages, you would think that this story would just fly by, right? Well, you’d be wrong. It drags on and on and on. I kept thinking to myself, “When the bloody fuck is this story going to have a point? If ever.” And in the end, I guess it did have a point. But for such a short story, there was way too much useless filler.

I guess the point is this: “Fuck God! Fuck him in his dirty rotten asshole!” Or something to that effect. Because that’s what the old man is saying the entire time. He’s having a long-winded conversation with this boy in the bar, and he keeps telling the boy to forget that stupid cross around his neck. Piss on it. Throw it in the fucking street. Because, fuck God. He’s done nothing for nobody.

The old man tries to make the argument that suicide is a brave thing to do. Because there’s nothing on the other side. There’s no fucking heaven. It’s all bullshit. Or so he says. So, to take one’s life, you’re giving in to nothingness. You’re giving up this one chance you have to live. “That’s bravery,” he says.

On the other hand, if you believe you’re going to heaven, like some damn fool, then you’re a fucking coward to take the easy way out. Because you’re just being a goddamn pussy. You’re not being brave. You just want to go home to momma. You want to be coddled in heaven, like some goddamn sissy-boy. So, fuck that.

So, yes. There is a point to this story. But it takes too long to get there. And the point of the story isn’t worth the pages it’s printed on. The author could have just made his point on the first bloody page, and saved me a lot of time.

But no, I had to work for it. I had to dig through this sludge of a story to find the goddamn ‘point’ nugget. And when I finally found it, I just didn’t give a fuck anymore.

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