Pawn of Prophecy – took my virginity

Posted: March 26, 2015 in 4 Star Reviews, Fantasy, Fiction
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

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4 of 5 Standard-Fantasy Stars Pawn of Prophecy by David Eddings.

This book raped my virgin brain. It was the very first book I read for my own pleasure, when I was twelve years old. Before I read this book, I hated every single book I ever read. Because those books were for school. And I fucking hated school. Teachers never assigned books like this. They assigned books that sucked donkey balls.

Pawn of Prophecy made me want to become a writer. Because this book showed me what was possible. It showed me the depth of imagination. The depth of character. And the depth of a good story. Because the characters in this book were so real to me. I felt for them, and I actually cared what happened to them. I had never experienced this before. After hating so many books, it was a strange feeling.

But that feeling soon faded, as the story in this book started to suck. That’s when I started writing my first story. Because I was so pissed off that the author chose to take my beloved characters in such a retarded direction. So I started writing my own version of the story. It was bigger, better, faster, and it sucked even worse than Eddings’ story.

So I went back to this book, and finished it. I finally put my faith in the author, and I’m glad I did. Because yes, this story could have been better. But it was told with such skill that in the end, I didn’t give a fuck where the story went, as long as I could keep reading about my favorite characters.

This story is about a stupid teenager named Garion, who’s apparently the heir to some throne, or something. It really is a very standard fantasy tale. Some nobody is needed for some special mission, or quest. They gather together a rag-tag bunch of ruffians, and trek through the wilderness and mountains to find some thing, or person that will save humanity. Or something.

When I read this book the first time, I wasn’t aware that this was the standard fantasy gig. I thought it was completely original. I hadn’t read The Hobbit, or The Lord of the Rings yet. I didn’t know! I’m sorry, okay? Nobody told me. I was just a scared little boy, reading a good book for the first time. I didn’t know if I needed to lube my butthole or not.

Still, in my opinion, this book is better than those Tolkien books. Yes, it’s the same goddamn story. But for some reason, I cared more about this one. I think it’s because the characters were so well crafted. It wasn’t the story, that’s for sure. Because this group of friends/lovers/bandits travel the countryside, looking for the Orb, or whatever.

They don’t find it, of course. Because there’s four more books to get through, for fuck’s sake. So the actual story in this book is quite short. They come to a castle and engage in battle to defend it. Garion  is nearly captured, but escapes. Then there’s a bunch of chit-chat about how this guy banged that guy and Garion’s aunt turns out to be his uncle, and all that happy horseshit.

But the chit-chat is what makes this book fun to read. Because the characters are actually interesting, and funny. I loved them, I really did. And in the end, I’m glad I got my mind raped by this book. Because it literally changed my life.

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