Archive for March, 2015

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4 of 5 Evil-Villain Stars – Tannion by Wayne Elsner.

I really wish people would stop giving me these awesome books to read. I mean, what’s a guy gotta do to find a bad book in this town? It’s crazy. This is like my 3rd 4-Star review in a row. It’s out of control, man.

This book tells the story of Superman. Err, I mean, Tannion. You see, Tannion was struck by lightning. This isn’t usually something good that happens. But for Tannion, it turned him into a superhero. At first. Then it turned him into a murderer. A super-murderer. And at the end of the book, he was pretty much a super villain, stroking his fluffy white cat.

When it first started, he noticed that he could heal himself rather easily. Then he stabbed himself several thousand times, and found that he was pretty much Wolverine, but without that whole metal skeleton thing. Because Tannion could heal super-fast, and it turned out, he could heal others as well, just by touching them.

So he headed to a cancer ward, and healed some random patients. It was in the newspaper the next day. So he figured shit, that’s not gonna fly. Can’t have the press all over my ass. So fuck it, I’ll just go kill some bad guys. That doesn’t make me bad, right?

So Tannion does his best Dexter impression, and goes on a killing spree, supposedly killing only bad guys. Drug dealers, pimps, random guys that accosted him on the street. A bum who asked for spare change. Because fuck bums. They’re evil right? Bums? Fuck yea, of course they’re evil. Keep telling yourself that, man.

Soon after killing the bum in New York City, Tannion ended up killing a FBI agent, accidently-on-purpose, as you do. So he fled, and eventually landed in Los Angeles, where he took up the thug lifestyle, and joined a Russian crime syndicate. Because that’s how bad guys go to college.

This is a great book, filled with action. It has character arcs that will blow your fucking mind. And half the time, you can’t even tell the good guys from the bad guys. I mean, I couldn’t tell, anyway. Because I still don’t know if Tannion is really evil. He killed so many people…

But did he really do it to make the world a better place, or is he just no better than Dexter? I mean, did he just keep doing it, because he enjoyed killing, or did he just enjoy killing bad guys? I have no idea. But you can’t keep doing that shit if you don’t like it just a little.

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Name: Glenn Conley

Age: 45

Where are you from: Sandy, Oregon. It’s a small town near Mt. Hood. I love it here. Not too cold, and not too hot. And the rain turns me on, so there’s that. hehehe

A little about your self `ie your education Family life etc: Let’s see, I had two years of college at George Fox University, a private Quaker college. If you’re not familiar with the Quaker movement, it’s like Christianity on crack. They’re very strict. No kissing or hugging permitted on campus. If you were caught, you were sent to the Dean, and may get expelled.

It was hilarious, because everyone was fucking. I mean, that’s the prime fuck years of your life. If you don’t fuck like mad in college, you’re going to miss out on the best fuck years of your life.

But that’s not the hilarious bit. It was funny…

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3 of 5 Fucking-Disturbing Stars – Sink & Disintegrate by Cyma Rizwaan Khan.

This is a strange book. The cover is what got me hooked. It’s fucking amazing. But the story? Not so much. It’s a weird, disjointed story that makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

It’s the story of monsters. At first, I thought it wasn’t about real monsters. I thought it was about this guy who was abused as a child. And yes, parents can be monsters. But it turns out that it’s actually about real monsters, hiding amongst us. And possibly ghosts. And hallucinations.

It’s about this guy, Ethan, who desperately wants to cure the world of monsters. A stranger passes him a photo of some kid. A young boy who’s supposedly in trouble. The monsters are about to get him, or something. Or maybe the kid is already dead, who the fuck knows.

This is what drove me crazy about this book. Nothing is real. As far as I know, Ethan was a ghost the whole time. Either that, or he’s extremely schizophrenic. Because he hears voices and sees visions. Strange people just show up at his apartment, giving him advice. Threatening his life. And even saving his life.

Then they just disappear, like they were ghosts, or hallucinations. Again, who the fuck knows. It didn’t make any fucking sense to me, and yet it was still a compelling story.

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4 of 5 Rotting-Flesh Stars – World War Z by Max Brooks.

After I saw the movie “World War Z” I had to give this book a shot, because after the movie, I thought, there must be something more to this story, because the movie didn’t make much sense at all. So, I read this book, and found it pretty fascinating.

It’s a completely different way of telling a story, for sure. It’s kind of like a collection of short stories, about one world-wide event. Each of the stories are written like an interview of different witnesses of the zombie war. Very little of these witness accounts make it into the movie. In fact, the movie has very little to do with the book.

I have to say, I like this book more than the movie, simply because it actually has more depth and detail. I got more of a complete idea of what the zombie war was like, from all around the world. Of course, there was no hollywood-like ending. In fact, there really wasn’t an ending at all. The interviews just stopped, and there were no more pages. I was like “What the actual fuck… What happened, goddamnit?!”

It was definitely an interesting read, but still not an actual story with beginning, middle and end. And, fuck Brad Pitt in his dirty asshole. Because, damn he’s hot.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1.

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3 of 5 Flaming-Ass Stars – Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1 by Glenn Conley.

Okay, so this guy hates books. I get that. I fucking hate books too. But why’d he go and write a book about it? Isn’t that the most hypocritical thing to do? I mean, it seems like this guy literally wants to put a bunch of books in a pile and burn ’em. Great. So, is he gonna include his book as well, in this pile of books he’s gonna burn? I doubt it. Fucking hypocrite.

Apparently, this book is a collection of book reviews from this asshole’s blog. It’s 229 pages of horseshit, that’s already on his blog for free, for fuck’s sake. What’s the purpose of this goddamn book? Why the fuck would anyone buy it? It makes no sense to me, whatsoever.

Okay, maybe… Just maybe, I’d get this book to read on the shitter. I mean, I have to admit his reviews can be hysterical at times. It’s not something anyone would just buy, and sit down at their comphy chair and read. It’s not that kind of book.

I guess you could say it’s kind of like a novelty book. Like a joke book. Or something like “101 ways to piss off women.” That’s got to be a book, right? But how hard is it to piss off women? Not hard at all. Nobody needs that book, either. But they both serve their purpose. To pass the time, and get a slight chuckle, while waiting at your doctor’s office.

But be warned… I was reading this fucking book at the dentist office. They called my name and I just shouted “Ha! Fuck you, man. Oh not you, sorry. I meant this douchebag who wrote this review of Gone Girl. Fucking guy.” So yea, be careful where you read this thing. It’s dangerous, I tells ya.

There should be a warning on the goddamn thing. Just like fucking Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Well, not just like… I mean that one said “Don’t Panic.” I’m pretty sure that this guy’s warning should be the exact opposite of that. “Dude, Panic! Whatever you do, don’t read this goddamn book!” Or something to that effect.

But something tells me that it would be a briar patch kind of thing. Or maybe a Cartman kind of thing. “No! You can’t get into this amusement park. Now, fuck off.” Which was hailed as one of the most brilliant marketing strategies of its time. Movies started using it, saying “No! You can’t watch this movie. Fuck off!”

And it worked. People found a way to see those movies. They found a way into that amusement park. Because everyone wants something they can’t have. But I hate to break it to ya, Mr. Glenn Cocksucking Conley, but your book is available to anyone who wants to get it. You’re not stopping anyone with your silly warnings.

[ I wrote this review of my book of reviews about two weeks ago, when the cover literally had a warning on it that read, “WARNING: This book has lots of unnecessary profanity. Why? Because, FUCK YOU! That’s why. Got a problem with that? Eat a bag of dicks. They’re like potato chips. You can’t eat just one.” Yes, that entire warning was on the COVER of this book for like 2 days, before I changed it. lolz. I don’t know what I was thinking. ]

So fuck you, Glenn! YOU can eat a bag of dicks! And they’re nothing like potato chips. Well, I guess they are a bit salty. I mean, so I’ve heard.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1.

It’s FREE AT AMAZON RIGHT NOW!

This weekend only. Get ’em while they’re hot!

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4 of 5 Grade-School-Reading Stars – Wanting to Want by Dr. Madeleine M. Castellanos, M.D.

Being written by an actual doctor, you’d think that this book would be a dry-ass text-book. But it’s not. It’s just practical advice about sex that anyone can use. Hell, it even has exercises at the end of each chapter, so you and your partner can stare at each other and go, “Umm, why are we doing these exercises, when we could be fucking right now?

Well, at least that’s what the guy would say. Because, lets face it, men are simple creatures. But we’re not so simple when we can’t get it up. Quite complex, actually. Dr. Castellanos tells us about one of her patients in this book, a young man named Steven. He’s come to her (heh, I said come) because of his limp-dick problem.

But of course, that’s not all it is. It’s usually a mental issue, especially in young men. I mean, you don’t see young men popping Viagra pills, unless they’re porn stars. Apparently, Steven is stressed out. He has performance anxiety. So, this lovely sex therapist slowly massages his back with some baby oil, and proceeds to bang the ever-loving shit out of him on her suede couch.

Oh shit, my bad. That never happened. But still, that’d be cool, right? Isn’t that every man’s fantasy when they go to see a sex therapist? I’d like to think so. But no, she doesn’t have sex with him. Instead, she tells him to hold this little sea-shell in his hand. Feel the grooves. Experience the texture. No, don’t put it up your ass. Just feel it, man.

Finally, she does get Steven to come around (heh, I said come again!) and finally start to enjoy sex with a partner, and by himself.

This therapist gets a lot of lonely housewives in her office. No, I don’t mean ‘gets’ like she’s banging them in her office, I mean she gets a lot of housewife patients who are either bored, or overworked, or just hate their husbands so much, they can’t stand the thought of having sex with him.

She explains to them, “Look, I know your husband is an asshole, but doesn’t he have a huge cock?” And, of course, all of the women responded with, “Are you serious? It’s like one inch long, when erect. Why, what has he told you?”

Wait, what the fuck am I talking about. Oh yea, that’s my penis, my bad. Where was I? Oh yes, how this doctor helped these cold bitches finally come to terms (ha! Come again!) with what was really bothering them. Like Julie, who was pissed off that her husband never helped with the kids, never helped with the housework, and never licked her goddamn pussy.

And then there’s Susan, who worked too much. She had ‘dissociation’ issues, because she had trained her stupid lizard brain to ignore sex. Because there were more important things to do. She had the job, the kids, and all that happy horseshit to deal with. She didn’t have time for sex, goddamnit. So, Dr. Castellanous helped her realize her own sexuality once again, by re-associating sex with good, pleasurable things, instead of boring missionary things.

In the end, I’d say that this is a very well-written book that everyone should have to read when they’re in grade-school. Not in high school, in grade-school. Why? Because, that’s when all this shit starts to happen. In fucking grade-school, man. I remember it vividly. I gave a girl a box of chocolates for Valentine’s day, when I was in the fourth grade. She laughed in my face. So guess what? I never, EVER asked another girl out.

Literally. I just waited around until a girl asked me out. I wasn’t an ugly hag-beast back then, so my chances were still pretty good. But I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19, because not only would I refuse to ask a girl out, I’d also refuse to seal the deal. I literally needed someone with the balls to just grab my dick and shove it where it belonged.

Yes, it’s pathetic, I know. But still, my point is, read this book as early as you can. Because that shit sticks with you. And not every boy is going to find a woman like my wife, who’s got the brass balls to do what needs to be done.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

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4 of 5 Naked-Fox-Girl Stars –  A Fox’s Love by Brandon Varnell.

This book is fucking hilarious. And the author owes me a new keyboard, goddamnit. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Brandon. Don’t give me that look. No, it doesn’t have a warranty. It’s just a $10 keyboard. What? No, I don’t have a spare one lying around. Shut up, man. Just shut up.

Yeah, this book is like that. The author talks to his characters, and the characters talk back. Hell, he even talks to you, the reader. Because he can, I guess. And because it’s fucking hilarious.

This book is the story of anime coming to life. A 15-year-old boy finds a wounded fox on the side of the road. He takes the fox home, and tends to its injuries. Amazingly, the fox starts to heal itself. Kevin watches as the wounds gather together and heal. Then he notices that the fox has two tails.

He figures that maybe the fox is some kind of mutant, or a government test subject. But whatever, man. Yeah, I told ’em that bit. Shut up! I’m getting to it. Fuck. So Kevin leaves the fox in his room, and goes off to school. Stop giggling, man. Yeah, I know what comes next. Big titties. Damn, dude. You’re drooling.

So, yeah… Kevin comes home, and finds that his fox has transformed into a Kitsune, which is a fox who can transform into a human. And in this case, it transformed into a beautiful teenage girl, with the biggest tits that Kevin had ever seen. Because, yeah man, here it comes… She was standing there, plain as day, naked.

Kevin promptly faints, as you do. Because his tiny 15-year-old brain cannot handle what he was seeing. Hot. Naked. Girl… Panic. Yeah, I told them about the tits, man. Jesus, calm down. Go jack off, or something. What? No, man. Get your own fucking lube. Damn.

Okay, I get the panic, I really do. I was a timid and shy 15-year-old. If I saw a naked girl in my room, I’d probably panic as well. I might even flee. Or piss my pants. Or just stand there staring. Yeah, I’d probably just stand there and gawk. And drool. But I wouldn’t pass out, for fuck’s sake. That’s just retarded.

Shut up, man. I know it’s your story, and it’s a good story, but it still has its flaws, okay? So shut the fuck up, so I can finish this thing. Damn. But seriously… This fucking guy faints like 5 goddamn times in this book. Every single time, because of this sexy fox, and her super hotness. And those huge fucking boobs.

I’m pretty sure the author of this book jacked off several times while writing it, because damn. He described those boobs so many times… Yes you did, man. Shut up. I know they’re awesome, but you don’t have to tell me nine thousand fucking times how awesome those tits are, man. I get it.

Plot things happen, and then the boy and his fox are chased by a hound. Well, it’s really a bully from school who can turn into a hound. And apparently, hounds don’t like foxes, especially human foxes. So a battle ensues, and the fox-girl uses her super anime powers to escape and defeat the hound.

But she leaves him alive, so he can gather up all his hound buddies for the next book. I hate it with authors do this. I mean, I get it. You want me to read the next book in the series. But still… Shut up, man. Let me have my beef. No, I don’t want a goddamn hamburger. Oh, you’re going to town? Good. Get me some fries.

Glad I finally got rid of that fucker. Now, where was I? Oh yes, my beef. This kid, Kevin. I don’t get this kid. He’s got this naked girl throwing herself at him, and all he can do is scream and faint and try his damnedest to get rid of her. At no point does he cop a feel.

This story goes on for another 200 goddamn pages, with this naked fox-girl throwing herself at this kid, and the entire time, all he can do is squeal. I mean, they sleep in the same bed and everything. Well, he sleeps on the couch, but she finds him, and they always end up sleeping together. Naked.

And you know this fucker has a boner the entire time. Even when the fox-girl finally puts some clothes on, she’s still coming on to poor Kevin constantly. He’s got to have a constant boner. He takes cold showers every day, but the fox-girl barges into the shower with him, and nearly rapes him. But he still resists.

What the fuck, Brandon? I said Coke, not Diet Coke, damn. Where was I? Oh, yeah. I was telling them about Kevin and his boner, and why he doesn’t bang the living shit out of this hot-ass fox-girl. That’s the problem, man. There’s no reason for him not to bang her. Yes, I know he’s got a crush on that other girl in school. Big fucking deal. He’s got this even hotter girl throwing herself at him. What’s his fucking problem?

Yes, I know you said he wasn’t gay. Are you sure? No, man. I’m telling you this kid has got to be gay. I don’t care how timid or shy you are, you don’t deny yourself pussy for that long. When it’s being thrown at you constantly? Fuck no, man. You’re eventually going to give into it.

I still loved this story, though. It reminded me of my teenage years. It showed me what a perfect teenage fantasy would look like. Okay, not so perfect. He should have banged her, man. She was begging for it. Whatever. Hey! Keep your goddamn hands off my fries, man. Whatcha mean you didn’t get your own fries? I don’t know what to tell you, Brandon. You should have known. They always fuck you at the drive-through.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

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4 of 5 Virtual-Virus Stars – Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson.

This is a crazy tech-infused romp of a book. Its virtual world and real world are equally impressive, and fascinating. I think I was first hooked by this book when the protagonist was introduced. I mean, his name is Hiro Protagonist for Christ’s sake. And he’s a fucking pizza delivery boy for the goddamn Mafia.

Can you ask for a more interesting protagonist than that? I think not. He even has a fucking business card that reads “Last of the freelance hackers and Greatest swordfighter in the world.” I highly doubt that he is, in fact, the greatest swordfighter in the world, but just the fact that he thinks he is makes his character that much more interesting.

This book is the story of a virus named ‘Snow Crash’ that infects the virtual world as well as the real world. It’s used as a drug, and a computer virus. And Hiro’s best friend is hooked on it. He’s a fucking junkie. So Hiro uses his mad hacking skills to uncover the truth about Snow Crash.

The truth about Snow Crash, is that it was developed by a crazy religious cult that live on a huge barge out in the fucking ocean. Hiro and his new-found friend, a skateboard girl named Y.T. travel to the barge and try to stop Snow Crash from destroying both the real world and the virtual.

I loved this book because it was an exciting technological adventure. I hated it because it was way too goddamn complicated. I mean, the author created a whole new language for this fucking book. A whole new religion. A whole new world. It’s just too much. It would have been so much better if it was just the Snow Crash story, about how it’s destroying the world, and all that shit.

Often times, authors saturate their work with unnecessary details. They pad the pages with tons of horseshit, and they forget how to end a fucking story. They just end up rambling on and on, until they finally get frustrated with their own work, and just tack on whatever ending comes to mind.

It fucking pisses me off. Stephen King is the worst example of this, but there are plenty more authors who write 500 page books, when it would have been much better as a 300 page book. Snow Crash is in that same category. It would have been a much better 300 page book.

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4 of 5 Sassy-Ass-Bitch Stars – The Letters by Ella Drayton.

I really enjoyed this book. It caught me off guard. I was in the middle of reading a book, when someone handed me this one. As usual, I flipped through the first few pages of this book, just out of curiosity. Totally expecting to put it aside and finish the other book I was reading.

But I couldn’t do it. I just kept reading this book because I was captivated from the first page. I can’t really explain it. I mean usually, I’ll look at a synopsis on goodreads or amazon before reading a book. But with this one, I didn’t even bother.

I had no fucking clue what this book was about, and yet I kept on reading it. It seemed to be some sort of love story about a foul-mouthed bitch, and her asshole ex. I don’t know why I kept reading it, because I fucking hate romance novels. Somehow, I was transfixed on this goddamn book. The characters just sucked me in.

And then, out of nowhere, the story turns into a murder mystery. I didn’t even know that the main character was a fucking cop. But apparently, she really is a detective. A sassy one, at that. And some jackass is sending her letters, giving her clues to where dead bodies can be found.

Clues that are a bit umm… Personal. So she goes and arrests her old boyfriend from high school, because the body turned out to be the guy’s fucking fiance. So, of course he killed her, right? He’s so fucking guilty. He lies to the detective, and can’t provide an alibi.

I mean, it’s so obvious he’s guilty that he can’t possibly be guilty. Then, the sassy cop chick gets another letter describing yet another location from her past love life. A location where another body can be found. And guess what, the cop chick’s old boyfriend can be tied to that place as well.

I want to say that the best part of this book was the story, because it kept me guessing until the end. I never figured out who the killer was, until they were finally revealed. But that’s not really the best part. The best part of this book is the characters. They’re what kept my eyes glued to the page.

That being said, I still had my issues. For instance, I’m not sure if this author understands what the fuck ‘dialog’ means. It’s supposed to be a discussion. Not two people having monologues with each other. Because that’s what the dialog in this book seemed like. Characters would go on and on for pages, as they were supposedly having a discussion with someone, without anyone interrupting.

It’s just not natural. People don’t talk like that. Give me some back and forth, for fuck’s sake. That’s how people talk. Nobody talks for half an hour, then lets the other person talk for half an hour. That’s fucking retarded. I could understand if it was just one couple doing this, but it was every fucking character in this book. Talking for pages on end, without any real dialog.

That doesn’t negate the fact that it’s a great book. I’d highly recommend it, even with the back and forth monologues. It was still captivating and fun to read.

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3 of 5 Creep-Does-Not-Rhyme-With-Deep Stars – Creep by T. Kent, among others.

This is a good book of poems and flash fiction. But perhaps I’m biased because I love horror so much. And you wouldn’t think that I’m a big fan of poetry, now would you? Of course you wouldn’t think that. Because I’m a fucking idiot.

But there’s a secret, you see. Don’t let me fool you. I’m not really an idiot, I just play one on TV. And I studied poetry in college, so I know a good poem when I see it. And let me tell you this, these are not good poems.

Okay, there’s like 2-3 good poems in this collection. But for the most part, they’re complete shit. They’re just pointless. They don’t tell a story, or make me feel ANYTHING. It’s just bla bla bla (insert rhyme here) bla bla bla.

That’s not poetry. Oh shut the fuck up. Yes, it’s poetry in the literal sense, but it’s not good poetry. Good poetry doesn’t need such a structure. But every single fucking poem in this collection rhymed like it’s a book for three-year-olds.

But it’s not a fucking book for three-year-olds, goddamnit. They’re poems about death, and gore, and serial killers, for fuck’s sake. So throw that goddamn iambic pentameter out the window and give me some real fucking creativity.

Or maybe that particular poetry structure was what was required by the publisher for this volume. Who the fuck knows? All I know is, it annoyed the fuck out of me.

This collection was saved by some brilliant flash fiction. Those stories were awesome. I really wish the whole book was filled with those stories, even though like 70% of them were set during Halloween. That’s a bit too many Halloween stories, don’t ya think?

At least they’re good Halloween stories. Except one. It’s titled ‘Mayhem’, so you know what to avoid. Seriously, skip that goddamn story, because it’s fucking bullshit.

You know that awesome movie, Crash? Where there’s all these different stories interconnecting with each other? This story was like that, and then, out of nowhere, it just ends. It was building to something awesome, and then just ends. What the fuck?

Overall, I’m still glad I read this collection, and I would definitely recommend it. It’s a good book, but it could have been much better.

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