Archive for March, 2015

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2 of 5 A-Gun-For-Astro Stars – Astro is Down in the Dumps by Susan Day.

Fuck this dog! Seriously, what is your problem, man? How hard can life be, as a fucking dog? You’ve got everything! Food, water, shelter, and even friends, for fuck’s sake. I just don’t understand what the fuck this dog is depressed about. Maybe someone pissed in his water bowl, or something. Who the hell knows.

This book is about a stupid cunt-doggie, who whines all day about how miserable his fucking life is. I’m pretty sure he’s suicidal. Because all his goddamn friends come to see him, and try to cheer him up, but he’s not having any of it. “Fuck off!” he says.

But they won’t ‘fuck off’. More and more friends come to see this stupid cunt-doggie, in more useless attempts to cheer him up. Of course one stupid asshole brings him fruit. How the fuck is fruit supposed to cheer up a motherfucking dog? He’s a goddamn carnivore. Bring him some fucking beef ribs or something. That’d make any dog happy.

But no. His friends keep bringing him stupid shit, that wouldn’t cheer up any dog that I know. I mean, they bring him paints, so he can do some doodling. Big deal. They bring him music, so he can sing and dance. What fucking dog wants to sing and dance? Come on.

The only good suggestion made by these so-called friends of his, was to go outside and play, goddamnit. Get the fuck out of bed, you lazy fuck. Bask in the sunshine. Chase a motherfucking frisbee, for fuck’s sake. Or a cat, even. Just do something, damn.

In the end, this cunt-dog learns a valuable lesson: his friends are assholes. He only has one true friend, and that’s the one who took him outside to play. The rest can fuck off and die.

*** DISCLAIMER: This is NOT an honest review. This review is for amusement purposes only, by request from the author. You can read my real review of this book at goodreads, if you like. I gave it 4/5 stars, because it really is a great children’s book.

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4 of 5 Dead-Sexy Stars – Dead Scary by Sally Gould.

One time, a friend of mine was arguing with me about the existence of God. We went back and forth for quite a while, until he asked, “Well, what about ghosts?”

“Umm, ghosts aren’t real, man” I replied.

But this book makes me wonder. Because the relationships that Adam has with ghosts seem very real. I mean, his best friend is a ghost. But this book isn’t about friendly ghosts, it’s about an angry ghost who wants his house back.

But Adam isn’t afraid. In fact, he taunts the ghost that haunts his house. “Bring it on!” he says. “Oh, you’ve got Warrior Spirits that are going to drag me out of my house kicking and screaming? Heh. Sure you do.”

But there really are Warrior Spirits. They’re like a SWAT team for the spirit world. They show up, guns blazing, and evict whomever they please. Okay, they don’t really have guns. That’d be silly. But they got flaming swords, at least. That’ll scare em!

But it doesn’t scare Adam. He knows the SWAT team is on its way, and he doesn’t care. He’s got an ace in his back pocket. His grandpa has fought ghosts for ages, and he gives Adam the advice he needs to fight off the ghostly SWAT team.

Apparently, Archangel Michael is an instant-win card for the living. All you have to do is call on him, and wham-o, Archangel Michael shows up, and saves the day. It’s a good thing too, because the SWAT team had filled Adam’s house with smoke, and covered it in ghostly ice. It was looking pretty nasty, until Archie showed up.

So, don’t be afraid of ghosts. If they’re real, you can always call on uncle Archie to help you out. Just don’t try to have a conversation with the guy… He’s kind of anti-social.

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4 of 5 Anal-Probe Stars – Barney’s Choice by Stanislava D. Kohut.

This is an interesting short story, and it’s very well told. It’s the story of what happens when you’re given a chance to change your past. A story of fascinating aliens, who have the power to control your mind, and your body. They can wield your body like a puppet, and do with you as they please.

Barney is the captain of a spaceship, investigating the moon. Apparently, the powers that be think there may be alien lifeforms skulking about. So, Barney goes on a walkabout on the moon. He leaves his fellow shipmates behind, and goes off into the barren wasteland, to find the so-called aliens.

And so, he did. He found their ship in the middle of a huge moon crater. The tall, muscular aliens grabbed him from his perch, behind a rock. They took him to their ship, and introduced him to their beautiful female leader.

She instantly took control of Barney’s mind and body. She made him say things. She made him do things. Things he’s not proud of. And then, she decided that she’d had enough of her plaything, and she touched Barney’s forehead, and sent him back into the past, back to his old house, when he was 13 years old.

Back to when his parents were arguing. His mother was drunk off her ass, and his father was so angry that the house was so goddamn filthy. And why isn’t there food on the fucking table? Come on, clean my boots, woman! We all know how that kind of argument ends.

Apparently, in Barney’s real past, he had chosen to stay with his father. Because at least his father wasn’t a drunken floozy. But in this new past, Barney was given a choice. He sees both his futures, as his parents are arguing. He gets to view what each choice would cause.

And then, he’s back with his crew, as if nothing had happened. This really is a very creative story. I loved the descriptions of the aliens. It’s very unique. And the advanced technology of the aliens was well described, and it made me wonder if such things were possible.

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4 of 5 Not-Really-A-Ghost Stars – Ghost by John Ringo.

Some stupid, hormone-infused teenager must have written this book. Because that’s the only way I can explain all the hot naked chicks in this story. Why’d they have to be naked? I mean yes, of course I want them to be naked. But is there really any reason for them to be naked? Not really.

This book tells the story of some fucked-up terrorist organization that kidnaps several hot college chicks. They strip the girls naked, and chain them to a few rows of benches in a hot, sweaty room.

The terrorists make a video, showing the hot chained up girls. Telling the United States government to go fuck themselves. “We gots all yer womens, motherfuckers. Suck a dick! Yeah! Fuck America!”

Enter Michael ‘The Ghost’ Harmon. He’s a retired special forces guy, who gets his nickname ‘The Ghost’ because he’s a sneaky motherfucker. You’ll never see him coming.

Ghost witnesses one of the kidnappings, and trails the van all the way to the terrorist hideout. He hangs out in the vents of the warehouse, biding his time, just like Bruce Willis in Die Hard. “So this is what a TV dinner feels like…”

It’s the Ghost against probably 50 or more bad guys. He takes them out one by one. Saves the naked girls, and gets a sloppy blowjob for a reward.

It’s a very simple story. Not very much depth to it. Like I said, It’s like a fucking pimpled-faced teenager wrote it. It’s just trashy fun, with no substance. And I loved it.

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3 of 5 Not-Very-Hungry-Games Stars – The Gollywhopper Games by Jody Feldman.

My wife recommended this book to me, and I thought there was no way that I would actually enjoy it. But, I started in on it anyway. See, I’m not a fan of puzzles. Hate ’em. And, she told me that there were many puzzles and adventures in this book. I kind of glossed over the puzzle bits, but enjoyed the adventures and the vivid characters.

So, yes. It’s a good book. A nice, fun story. But, I have to say, If I had known that the actual adventure doesn’t start until after the 10th chapter, I would have started there. That’s when the actual Games begin. Before that, there is just a lot of set-up. Who is this kid? Why’s his dad in trouble with the law? As far as I’m concerned… Who cares?

It would have been…

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3 of 5 Frack-Fucking Stars – Dutchman’s Curse by Gates Watson.

I laughed my ass off while I read this book. It’s fucking hilarious. But somehow, I don’t think the author intended it to be so goddamn funny. I think he meant it to be a serious, epic space opera.

And it is an epic space opera, in a way. I mean, there’s huge space battles, and such. But it’s hard to take it seriously, when one of the main characters is a 12-year-old boy named ‘Tom Clancy’. Seriously? Out of all the fucking names you could have chosen, you chose Tom Motherfucking Clancy? Really?

So, every time I read that name, I had to chuckle. It took me out of the book, and made me realize just how utterly stupid it was. I couldn’t keep track of the story, because every time I saw that fucking name, I’d be dragged back to the real world, to laugh my ass off.

Don’t get me started on Tom Clancy’s sister. A 5-year-old girl who’s pretty much River, from Firefly. She’s special. She can talk to spaceships, and she has like superpowers or something. And her name is AnaLise.

So now, every time I read her name, it’s Anal-ise. Emphasis on the Anal. Why? I don’t fucking know why. I’m a sick fuck, or something. But I just couldn’t help myself. So again, every time I saw that name, I had to chuckle, and it took me out of the story as well.

And then, there’s the officer named Moran. He’s a fucking moron, and every time I saw his name, I read it as Moron. Again, laughing my ass off. Then, I found this line, and laughed even harder: “You aren’t paid to think, Moran.”

That’s comedy gold, right there. Oh yea, and there’s General Butthead. That one’s good for a laugh or two. And the fact that this author chose to use the whole Battlestar Galactica swear word routine. ‘Frack’ this, and ‘fracking hell’ that. You couldn’t ask for more laughs from this book, I tell ya.

All that aside, this book is about some kids who hop a ride on some warship. They seem harmless enough, but they’re not. Tom Motherfucking Clancy is a goddamn serial killer, and his sister is some strange mystic that nobody understands.

Tom starts killing everyone, as you do. His sister is taken to a faraway planet, for safe keeping, because you never know when you’ll need a mystical heir to some clan. And then the wars begin. Because some asshole stopped a wedding, and another asshole killed someone important.

Tom escapes with his buddy Moran, because even a serial killer needs some comic relief. The battleship that was trying to stop the war ends up getting blamed for killing everyone. A bounty is set on that ship, and everyone goes after it, getting themselves killed in the process.

Seriously, like 6 ships were destroyed, because of a goddamn misunderstanding. Then, all is cleared up, and the war shifts to finding and destroying Tom and his minions. There’s also some bullshit in there about trade agreements, and turf disputes. Not that I paid attention to that. I mean, who would?

I liked this book, because I literally laughed out loud several times while reading it. I hated it, because it could never keep me in the story. I was constantly drawn out by the stupid names and references. But still, it was well written. And funny, albeit unintentionally so.

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3 of 5 Confused Stars – We Are All Completely Fine by Daryl Gregory.

I don’t understand this writer. His style drove me nuts. In the narrative, he kept using we like a first person book would use I. It drove me insane. Like he was narrating the story in first person, but he wasn’t.

I kept looking for who the first person might be. I waited until the end… No demon or anyone stood up and said “Gotcha! It was me all along.” Which was kind of what I was expecting. But no. So, I’m still left confused.

Other than that, it was a great book. A compelling read, with vibrant characters and a disturbing story. It centers around a therapy group of fucked up rejects who all have some supernatural element in common. They reveal their stories one by one until they finally learn what must be…

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4 of 5 50-Shades-Of-Anal Stars – Merissa by Emma Jaye.

I actually enjoyed this book. It’s hardcore BDSM, which is always fun. But this book isn’t stupid, like that ridiculous Fifty Shades of Grey. No, this book describes BDSM as it should be. Where the Dom actually protects, and cares for his Sub.

Fifty Shades is more about abuse, and mental illness. It’s about BDSM gone wrong. This book describes how BDSM can be a good, healthy relationship. With immense pleasure, on both sides. In fact, it describes something called ‘subspace’, which is like a runner’s high.

When the call-girl, Marissa first experienced subspace, she described it like the first time she tried marijuana. She was out of her mind, high as balls, as she was bound and fucked furiously. She was so baked on sex, that she hardly remembered what happened.

This book is about a plain, twenty-something woman, who works a shitty job at a call center. She gets together with some of her friends, and gets drunk on red wine. One of the friends suggests to Merissa that she turn tricks. Because, that’s what friends are for.

Of course, Merissa doesn’t want to be a whore. Not a street-walker, at least. But her friends explain the arrangement. It’s a high-class call-girl type of deal. Their clients are super-rich guys who pay ten grand a session. And one of their new clients wants a fresh Sub. Someone who’s not into the scene. A girl he can start fresh with, like a clean canvas.

Merissa is perfect for this client, because she’s fucking clueless. She thinks she might want to try the Sub part out, but she’s not sure. She meets up with the rich-guy client, and they have mad, passionate Dom/Sub sex, like they’ve been doing it for years.

This is the problem that I have with this book. It’s said that neither Merissa, or her client, Sully, have had any experience with the BDSM scene. They’re supposedly BDSM virgins, so to speak. So how the fuck do they just fall into the roles so easily? There’s no struggle. No conflict about the inherent dangers of such a relationship.

That’s one thing that Fifty Shades got right. At least there was some fucking conflict in that story. In this story, everything they do is just fucking awesome. Nipple clamps? Sure, that’s just wonderful. A spanking? Oh, yes please, that’s marvelous. Fuck that shit, goddamnit. Give me some struggle, some conflict and resolution. Is that too much to ask?

But no. Everything in this book is just happy-joy-joy fucking. And the rich fuck Sully asks the plain Merissa to marry him, of course. It’s all just a girly fantasy. Well, except for the hardcore ass fucking. And the best line of this book: “he hit her g spot from inside her ass.”

Seriously? He hit her g-spot from inside her ass? That’s fucking awesome, and completely retarded.

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3 of 5 Miserable-Dick-Wad Stars – A Walk Among the Tombstones by Lawrence Block.

I read that this book was being made into a movie, with Liam Kick-Ass Neeson starring. Oh goodie! This book has got to kick some ass. Plus, wait, oh my god, there’s a whole series of these novels with this guy. This is going to be so awesome!

Then, I read the book. I wouldn’t call it awesome. I’d call it typical. All these type of novels are the same. Private-eye does some shady dealings with drug dealers, and everything goes wrong. Its the same shit as Jack Reacher and a million other novels. Nothing new. Move along.

That being said, it’s still a good book. Plenty of action. People get killed and chopped into little bits. But, even that’s not original. Okay, packaging each little bit, like they’re chunks of salami was a bit unusual. It’s…

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3 of 5 Anal-Begets-Anal Stars – Free Radicals by Zeke Teflon.

This book has many issues. It’s racist. It’s misogynistic. And the story is set in a world that doesn’t need to be there. It’s a strange dystopian world. All the nukes have gone off and fried everyone’s implants, because of the EMP. There are spaceships, and colonies on other planets, and none of it needs to be there.

Because this is just the story of a fucking loser. A musician named Kel, who’s wasted and drunk all the time. His wife left him, and used her political connections to get him arrested for some terrorist bullshit. Because divorce isn’t enough for this bitch. She wants to completely ruin his life. And she does a damn good job of it.

Kel goes to jail, where he’s given clothes that have Bible verses on ’em. Mostly the bullshit verses from Leviticus. So of course, Kel ends up joining a cult in the prison. Because he was tired of all the ass rape in the general population. Little did he know that the leader of the cult, The Father, required an anal sacrifice as well. Oh well. At least it was holy rape.

After all the anal rape, war broke out, and Kel and his buddies join the Anal Nazis to kill off all the inbred scum of the earth. You know, people who aren’t white. Because that’s how the Anal Nazis roll.

Kel and his friend finally do leave the Anal Nazis, because it was gettin’ hairy, man. The killing was just too much. But then, Kel and his crew are hunted by the Anal Nazis, because Kel’s tight white ass was just too fine to let go. It becomes an all-out war of Anal Freedom, as Kel fights to survive the anal onslaught.

See what I’m saying? That entire story didn’t need any kind of dystopian landscape. The story didn’t fit the world it was set in. It could have easily been set in today’s average world. That means there were huge useless sections of this book, going on about the dystopia that didn’t need to be there.

Of course, all the ‘anal’ didn’t need to be in my review, either. But it’s funny, and it made this book sound more interesting than it is. Because there’s no Anal Nazis. They’re just regular Nazis. It’s too bad. Anal Nazis sound like much more fun. Hell, that’s a good name for a band. “And now, here’s… ANAL NAZIS!”

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

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