Archive for March, 2015

Glenn Hates Books

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4 of 5 Psychotic Stars – The Yoga Sutras by Jackson Radcliffe.

This book is fascinating, in the weirdest ways. It’s like an atheist transgender priest is giving a sermon on the meaning of life, and how one can attain enlightenment. Or something. That’s how much sense this book doesn’t make. And at the same time, it makes perfect sense.

It’s the subtle journey of one man’s descent into madness. His beautiful wife suggests he take a Yoga class, to help him deal with his many issues. He takes the Yoga class, because he’s incapable of saying no to his wife. Hell, he’s incapable of saying no to anyone, really.

He’s really just a pathetic loser, trying to make sense of his fucked up life. His wife hates him. His daughter hates him. His goldfish hate him. His SatNAV definitely hates him. And, he’s pretty sure that his wife is, in…

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3 of 5 Not-Much-Of-A-Wookie Stars – Chewy Noh and the Fall of the Mu-dang by Tim Learn.

This book reminds me too much of school. I fucking hated school. All that reading and writing, and paying attention in class… Fuck that shit. I’ve got better things to do, goddamnit.

Chewy – what a silly fucking name. At first, I thought maybe the author wasn’t aware of the most famous ‘Chewy’. But then a bully in this story made the comment “So your mother named you after a Wookie? Nice.”

But this Chewy is nothing like a Wookie. He’s a tiny little grade school weakling. He’s like a foot shorter than everyone. Not because he’s Korean. No, that’s got nothing to do with it. He was just born to be a fucking pussy boy.

But at least there’s a tradeoff. Sure, he’s frail and weak, but at least he’s got superpowers. Well, not real superpowers. Because he’s a fucking idiot. He could have chosen to fly, or be invincible, or invisible, or so many other marvelous things, but he didn’t. He chose to have the superpower to pass any test posed to him. Like that’s a fucking superpower.

Chewy uses his new-found power on the next test in school, and sure enough, he passes with a perfect score. I guess I can kind of understand his need for this kind of power, because before this, he was a fucking retard. Seriously, he couldn’t do anything right, and failed every exam, before he got his so-called superpowers.

Oh yea, and his mom’s a witch. Kind of. She can read minds, and see the future. This is a very annoying thing for a young boy. Just imagine living with a mom who can read your every thought. That’s scary shit right there. And sure enough, it drives poor Chewy crazy.

I’m not sure why this book was nearly 400 pages long. It wasn’t much of a story. It’s just the comings and goings of typical shit that happens in school. Girl crushes. Boy crushes. Rumors and such. There’s just not much story in this book.

Chewy gets bullied. His friend gets bullied. They sneak into the principle’s office to get some dirt on the bullies. Discover that one of the bullies was held back a grade. Oh noes! One of the bullies just happens to get superpowers of his own, and tries to frame Chewy for burning down the school.

That’s not a 400 page story. It’s a 100 page story, at best. That being said, it was still well written. It was actually a fairly compelling read. I mean, I finished it in one sitting, which I rarely do. So, it’s not a bad story per se, it just lacked substance.

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2 of 5 Stupid-Ass Stars – Bird Box by Josh Malerman.

This book seems like the author just got fucking lazy. He wanted to write a post-apocalyptic story, where the world has been overrun by terrifying monsters. What kind of monsters are they? Nobody can say. Because this author is too fucking lazy to create an actual monster.

This book is about an invisible threat. Monsters, or aliens, or some guy with a shotgun, who the fuck knows. It’s just a threat that drives people completely fucking insane if they happen to catch a glimpse of it. There are reports of people who ventured outside, saw the unseeable, and ended up butchering anyone they came in contact with. Because this threat is just soooo scary.

I say, bullshit. It’s not scary at all, it’s just fucking stupid. There are no reports of actual monsters mauling anyone. As far as I…

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3 of 5 Mary-Sue-Got-Married Stars – A Glimmer of Guile by Mary Patterson Thornburg.

This book is a very standard fantasy tale. A young girl is sent on an impossible quest, with only a few friends to guide and protect her. All she has are her wits, and her ‘guile’ to carry her through her journey, to find the kidnapped prince, or whatever.

‘Guile’ is how this book refers to magic. But not everyone has guile. Most find their guile sometime near puberty. The perfect time for a life-sacrificing journey. I’m just sayin’, good thing there weren’t many boys around.

Vivia, our young heroine, gets on a ship, to travel to Maal, where this so-called prince is being kept. Or so she hopes. I mean, nobody really knows where the fuck this guy is hiding. Hell, maybe he just ran away. Young princes often do such things.

Onboard the ship, she bumps heads with the captain. He’s a big, nasty bastard, and wants to sell her into slavery, or something. One can only hope for sex slavery. Vivia, of course, takes offense at this and hatches a nifty little scheme to get the nasty bastard thrown overboard and eaten by sharks.

She uses her guile to make a phantom image of the captain, and he promptly has a heart attack, because he’s such a scary guy. Yea, right. I can see being taken aback a bit, after seeing a phantom image of yourself coming at you, but come on man. How scared can you be of yourself?

Vivia’s evil plan worked, and the ship carried on to Maal, where Vivia bumped into some shady characters who promised that they had the same goals in mind, to save the prince. But really, they wanted to kill the evil witch-bitch that ruled the land with an iron fist.

Vivia’s power grows out of control. She pretty much kills everyone. Evil, good, funny lookin’, it didn’t really matter. For a moment there, I could have sworn that she was turning into an evil bitch-witch herself, but sadly, she didn’t. She got married, and lived happily ever after. Goddamnit to hell.

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3 of 5 Godless Stars – The Agony of the Gods by Tom Wolosz.

This is a fascinating book. And, at the same time, it’s boring as fuck. Because, the sci-fi elements in this book, the technology, is amazing. But the story is just plain stupid. And unfortunately, the tech is not good enough to carry the entire book. It’s good enough for a short story, but just sucks the life-force out of this book.

It’s the story of The Machine, and the chaos it’s created, throughout the universe. The Machine is a man-made device that basically turned man into Gods. Because it allowed man to achieve anything. To create their own worlds. Create their own people. Create their own universe.

This book is centered around the slaves of these Gods. The police, who call themselves Enforcers. The Enforcers were called into existence by the Gods purely for amusement. Apparently…

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1 of 5 Get-Vampire-Zombie-Raped Stars – I Am Legend by Richard Matheson.

I hated this book so much. It’s pure drivel. Well, 90% of it was drivel, the last 10% was actually pretty damn cool. But I expected the whole book to be like the last 10%, full of monsters and zombies.

But no. The first 90% was full of useless horsehshit. It’s just about this guy living in an empty city. Wandering around, going on about how much his life sucks so much ass. Oh how I wish I could find someone… Please, someone answer my call.

Shut the fuck up and kill some zombies already, man. I don’t fucking care about what you had for breakfast. I don’t care about how you’re a goddamn shut-in, who rarely leaves his fucking house. Go outside, for fuck’s sake. Give me some goddamn action. Damn.

In the last 10%, he finally meets some people. They rape him in his dirty asshole, like he deserves. Because, fuck this guy. He’s just a useless fuck. I hate him so much, I want to kill him myself.

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4 of 5 Sick-As-Fuck Stars – The Woman by Jack Ketchum and Lucky McKee.

This book was fucking crazy. Because, I just couldn’t wrap my head around the concept. I get some single guy doing this shit, but a family man? And the fucking guy just brings his family down to the basement and introduces them to this savage beast of a woman? Crazy man. Just fucking crazy.

This is the story of The Woman, who gets abducted from her cave, and is dragged back to this man’s house, where he chains her up in his basement. Like you do. She’s some kind of savage animal-woman. She only speaks a couple words of english, and she’s strong as a motherfucker. The man finds out soon enough, as she bites his finger off the first few minutes she’s down in his basement.

As the story progresses, we find that the man…

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3 of 5 Sweet-Human-Flesh Stars – Consumed by Matt Shaw.

This is a very standard cabin in the woods type horror story. Which really pisses me off. It’s not the cabin in the woods that annoys me. It’s all the normal bullshit you have to wade through to get to the goddamn cabin.

Because the first half of this book is a complete waste of space. Well, that’s not entirely true. Just like a good horror movie, Shaw grips his audience from the very first page, with an excerpt of what is to come. Extreme horror. Yay!

So the first page is good, but then it drags on for another 70 or so pages, without even a hint of any more gore. Just some idiots going camping. Talking about bullshit. What should we have for dinner? Oh, did you see that flower? So pretty…

Just kill me now. I fucking hate that mundane horseshit. I’m sure some would say “Oh, but Glenn, you can’t have hardcore gore all the time. You have to build characters and such.”

I say, “BULLSHIT!” You can totally have both. Just ask Jack Ketchum, or Edward Lee, to name a few. They write stories that are crazy hardcore horror, and they even have vibrant characters to go with the story. It can be done.

It just can’t be done by Matt Shaw. I’ve read several of his books, and it always comes down to the same problem. Too much everyday life bullshit, and not enough actual story. I don’t give a fuck what your characters had for breakfast. I don’t care that the coffee was oh so wonderful. Nobody fucking cares about that shit.

But then, when Shaw finally gets down to the meat of his story, where the poor hapless strangers find a helpful family in the secluded cabin in the woods. What could go wrong? Well, everything…

The hapless dude’s girlfriend gets literally eaten for dinner. While she’s still alive. Naked, and tied to the dining room table. Apparently these folks prefer their human meat fresh off the bone.

One of the cannibal girls corners the poor hapless guy. She seduces him. Gets him nice and hard. Goes down on his cock, and literally swallows it whole. After she bites it off at the base, of course.

So yes, good times were eventually had at the cabin in the woods. It just took way too long to actually get there.

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3 of 5 Man-Beast Stars – The Melding of Aeris by D. Wallace Peach.

This is a strange book. It’s very brutal. People are skinned alive, and ‘melded’ with animals. Because human skin is so valuable. So all the poor people get skinned. This world is filled with human-beasts, covered in fur.

The few brief sex scenes in this book kind of freaked me out, because it’s like bestiality. Imagine banging a woman who has cat eyes, and wolf’s fur. Okay, so it’s kind of a turn on. I mean, if you’re into ‘furries’, which some people are.

I don’t get the whole dressing up as animals thing. How do people find that sexy? It’s just weird and creepy. But having a woman who actually has silky fur all over her body? That’s hot. Or am I just sick and perverted? Yeah, that’s probably it.

But I digress… This book is about a man named Aeris who gets melded, because he’s a poor ass bum. They skin him alive and replace his skin with wolf’s fur. And a bit of goat. Maybe a squirrel or two, for flair. This really pisses him off. He swears revenge, and learns how to fight, to get back his precious human skin.

Aeris starts a rebellion. He wants to end the skinning. The only way to do that is to destroy the Pathway, or whatever… It’s some magic thingy. This part of the book confused the living shit out of me. I mean is it magic, or is it surgery? What the fuck the whole Pathway thing was, I never fully understood. But it’s like bad or something.

So they assault the thingy. Lots of sword fighting and such. Harsh words were spoken, and some magic seeds were destroyed. Or something. My brain hurt while reading this bit. I just didn’t get it.

This book was well written, but it needed to be simpler. There’s no need for any kind of magic in this story. The Pathway, and the seeds, and all that happy horseshit didn’t need to be there.

Because in the end, it’s just evil guys doing evil shit. Skinning people alive and all that. So, just kill those motherfuckers. End it. That’s all that needed to happen. Everything else just muddled the story, and made it painful to read.

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4 of 5 Lovecraftian Stars – The Phone Company by David Jacob Knight.

This is a very interesting book. I really didn’t think I would like it, because the title is just plain retarded. It doesn’t do the story any justice. Because, it’s a fascinating story. And, if you’re addicted to your smartphone, like most people are, this book may very well scare the living shit out of you.

This book is the story of how The Phone Company is controlling everyone’s lives. I mean, literally. Because their new super fancy phone, the Tether, actually connects to your brain, and allows the Provider to control you like a motherfucking drone.

It’s also the story of one man who refuses to sign up with this new Provider. He likes his old Nokia phone just fine, thank you very much. So, he’s the only…

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