Archive for April, 2015

The Future of Sex – looks bright

Posted: April 30, 2015 in Fiction

Glenn Hates Books

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4 of 5 Highly-Skilled-Whore Stars – The Future of Sex by Lexi Maxxwell.

I expected this book to be pure porn, but it’s not. There’s graphic sex scenes in it, of course, but it’s not just porn. Most of the book is a technological marvel of the future. Newfangled sex toys, with nanobots. Virtual Reality sex. And an exclusive sex club that hires only the best and brightest whores.

The story is about Chloe Shaw, an inexperienced sex worker who is applying to the prestigious O club. They only allowed her to apply because her mother had been an excellent sex worker for them. So they only expected to see her and then excuse her, because of her inexperience.

But Chloe surprised them. Because, it turns out that she’s the Sherlock Holmes of sex workers. Somehow, she knows her partner’s deepest, darkest secrets. She knows how to give them the…

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4 of 5 Never-Ending-Story Stars – The Curse of Senapin by Daniel Waltz.

Holy shit, this book was long as fuck. 529 goddamn pages. What really pissed me off was the fact that they weren’t useless filler pages. All those fucking pages were filled with actual story, man. It drove me crazy. I tried skipping like twenty pages and had to go back to find out what the fuck happened. Because this book is fucking relentless with its world-building and story-telling. It just wouldn’t let up.

This is the second book in The Water Travelers series. It’s about A-A-Ron and his love pal, Madi, who end up on an endless adventure because A-A-Ron gets horrible blue balls one night, while laying next to his cold-as-a-fish girlfriend. I mean, you can only lay there for so long, staring at those sleeping boobies, and tight ass, until you have to excuse yourself and spew jizz all over the bathroom mirror.

Once A-A-Ron wipes down the mirror, he decides to go on a walkabout to a pond nearby, because he just has to know if he can still travel through water. You see, in the first book, these two love-birds thought they had destroyed the magic orb that was supposed to control the ability to water travel from Earth to A-A-Ron’s homeland. So, he just had to know…

And is promptly captured on the other side. Because his family fucking hates his guts, because he’s a goddamn traitor to his kind. He was supposed to kill the girl, for fuck’s sake, not dry hump her face. Goddamn teenagers these days… So yea, he’s captured, and tortured. Well, not really tortured, because he’s still the fucking prince. But still, he had to endure all the bitching and moaning. All the, “I expected so much more from you…” bullshit.

Madi wakes up and finds A-A-Ron missing. Oh noes! But she comes downstairs to find her granny’s ex boyfriend chatting away over breakfast. And apparently, granny is a water traveler whore as well, because this guy is also some big and important water-traveler alien. And he helps Madi travel through the pond to go rescue the guy she sort of likes. Because, whatevs. I guess we can save A-A-Ron.

Harsh words were spoken, but eventually Madi and the granny banger escape with A-A-Ron, and they meet up with some sort of wizard, or keeper, or god, or whatever. Who knows. The guy is like a narrator to the story. He knows everything and explains all the lore that doesn’t make any sense to any reasonable person.

Because seriously, this book was written on crack, I swear. The wizard explains to the group of travelers that their land is cursed, and they must find the cure. But what is the curse? I mean, does it like kill people and shit? Oh, no. That’d be kind of cool. No, the curse is nothing. It’s bullshit, really. It’s just like people will say that you’re hot-tempered. Well, that’s just the curse. Or maybe you’re ugly. Yeah, if it wasn’t for this curse, you’d be sexy as fuck. Yeah, right. Bullshit.

And what is the cure for this curse? Something good. Yeah. This lore-master wizard explains to the group that they must find something good. This will cure the land of this horrible curse that isn’t really a curse. Something good? Seriously? This is a damn fine sammich, but I don’t think it’s gonna cure no curses, man.

So then they travel to a flying forest, filled with monkey people. I told you this book was written on crack. Many battles ensue with monsters and giants and monster giants and flying bat people. Then a huge giant cat-frog descends from the heavens and saves everyone. Well, he’ll save them if they’ve got some cat food, that is.

There’s so much happening in this book, it would take me three hundred pages just to write a proper synopsis for fuck’s sake. I mean there was a hot air balloon ride. A hostage negotiation with a billionaire. An epic gladiator battle in a huge colosseum, old Roman style. It just goes on and on. And it’s fucking awesome.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

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4 of 5 Just-Let-Me-Die-Already Stars – Sunwielder by D. Wallace Peach.

This is a great book. An epic story, which reminds me quite a bit of The Return of the King. But instead of wizards and magic, this book has a strange kind of time travel. A device that is given to a young farmer, to change his path. To alter his past, and his future.

The story starts with the young farmer, Gryff, living his happy life, on his farm, with his wife, and the rest of his simple family. Then, men come and burn his world to the ground. They kill his entire family. Even raped his wife, and hung her up, naked in a tree. Gryff finds her, and buries her. Then, he lays there by the stone grave, dying of his own wounds.

He wakes up in some old woman’s cottage. Her own granddaughter laying…

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Glenn Hates Books

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3 of 5 Reasons-To-Write-Fanfic Stars – Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James.

I don’t understand all the controversy over this book. Yes, it’s porn. Big fucking deal. Oh, but it’s bondage porn. Again, big fucking deal. Some people are into that shit. So what? If nobody is really hurt, and it’s consensual, what’s the problem?

This book is about some stupid bitch who falls in love with some rich asshole. He’s a sociopath. He doesn’t like to be touched. He likes control. And apparently, he hates women. Or at least that’s what I get from his character. He has a strong need to control and punish women.

I have to wonder if Ana would have fallen for Christian if he was just a regular guy. Just a super hot hunk of a guy that she met at the gym, or something. Would she have gone so far into…

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1 of 5 MILF-Fucker Stars – The Wayward Soul by George Flores.

I really hated this book. The first half of it was complete shit. The second half was slightly less stinky shit, but shit nonetheless. Because the story is stupid and pointless. So you got problems at school. Problems at home. Big fucking deal. Welcome to the teenage years, dumbass.

This story is about a young man who’s getting tired of high school. And tired of his naggy parents. So he says ‘fuck it’ and hoofs it out of town. He gets lost as fuck and is rescued by a thirty-something hot woman. He wakes up at her farm. In her bed. Knee-deep in MILF pussy.

Okay, great. Now what? There’s no fucking conflict. They just have breakfast, watch TV, chat about the fucking weather. Who the fuck cares, man? Life is so fucking wonderful. Oh goodie. I’m bored as fuck, man. Shoot something. Rape somebody. Punch someone in the fucking face, or something, goddamnit.

This is the real problem with this book. It’s just shiny happy fun time for two hundred pages or so. No conflict whatsoever. And there’s not even any graphic sex. They just do it. And she comes. Whooptie-freaking-doo. Like I care. I’d probably be happier if she didn’t come, and they had some huge argument about it. But no. It’s just sex and breakfast and oh what’s on TV, and oh look at the pretty flowers.

Goddamnit to hell. What is the goddamn point of this fucking story? To bore me to tears? Because that’s what it did. It certainly didn’t make me want to keep reading it. Because there was no forthcoming conflict. Nothing whatsoever in the horizon that would suggest that this story might get interesting. And it didn’t.

The MILF finally did kick the kid to the curb, because her old boyfriend came crawling back. Oh noes. The young guy has to go back to his horrible parents. But they’re really not horrible at all. They’re quite understanding, actually.

So even in the end, there’s no conflict. No, “Where the fuck have you been, boy? Yer gonna get a whoopin’ that’s for sure!” There’s none of that. Because that would be conflict, and we can’t have that, can we? That’d actually make the book worth reading. No, we can’t have that. Fuck this book.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

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5 of 5 Nerd-Gasm Stars – Judgment Night by Nick Pollotta.

This book seems like it was created by a bunch of nerds playing Dungeons and Dragons. Even though there really were no dungeons or dragons per se. Because this book is a constant barrage of action. Seriously, I felt myself breathing heavy and sweating just from reading this fucking book. It was such a workout!

There’s this private detective who finds himself fighting werewolves and vampires for no apparent reason. It was just a random case that turned out weird. Then these super hero Bureau 13 agents show up and thwart the supernatural weirdness. And of course, they offer him a job. Because they already have a priest, a couple of mages, a ninja and a beefy military guy with guns. But they don’t have some random P.I. with a pistol.

And this random guy turns into their leader. I really have no idea why, because he really is fucking useless when it comes to fighting monsters. Sure, he can bark out orders like nobody’s business, but anyone can do that. It doesn’t take any special ability to scream, “Pink Turtle formation! STAT!”

After they recruit Mr. Random Guy, the story cuts to a while later, when it’s business as usual. They’re on a fishing trip, just minding their own business, when a huge monster bursts out of the water. A huge battle ensues which I assume took many dice rolls to complete. Then, the 13’s are off to find their secret headquarters. Which is really secret, because even they don’t know where the fuck it is.

You see, Bureau 13 is fucking huge. It’s like a secret FBI, or something. With many divisions and operations. It’s not just these five D&D nerds. But this story is centered around these guys, and thank God for that. Because if there was any more to this book, it would go on forever. Because fuck, man. There’s so much happening with just this rag-tag bunch of nerds, I can’t even imagine what would happen with the whole Bureau involved.

The nerds travel to New York, where they think they might find their headquarters. A huge nuclear explosion goes off and tears New York a new asshole, and tosses the nerd’s impenetrable RV into some apartment complex. They escape on foot, off to find their secret base. And they come across monster after monster on their short journey through town.

When they finally do find their secret base, they’re briefed on the whole plot thing. Apparently, a scary cloud is on its way to destroy New York. I mean, it’s going to destroy what’s left of New York. But how do they even know that? It’s just a cloud, out in the ocean, minding its own fucking business. Who the fuck knows. Don’t ask questions of the Dungeon Master, okay?

The nerds set out to stop the scary cloud, and find a mysterious island directly below it. They eventually find out that it’s the long-lost city of Atlantis, or something. And it’s filled with countless monsters to fight, and puzzles to solve.

I couldn’t possibly break down this entire book in a review. It just goes on forever, even though it’s a fairly short novel. There’s just so much action packed into the pages, it’s mind-boggling. And I loved it so much. Never a dull moment.

I’ve never actually played D&D, and this book doesn’t even mention D&D, but somehow it made me want to get together a bunch of nerds and play D&D. But something tells me that without Nick Polletta as the dungeon master, it wouldn’t be near as much fun as this book.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

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2 of 5 Not-Very-Sparkly Stars Strigoi by Ron D. Voigts.

This is a very standard Dracula type story, where a vampire holds a secluded town under his spell. There’s nothing particularly original about it. It’s just vampires and shapeshifters and priests and whores and… Damn, it’s pretty much True Blood.

The story starts out with a man named Alex, trying to kill himself. And he’s not fucking around. He’s got a bottle of pills. A big fucking knife. And he’s jamming a gun in his mouth. He just can’t decide if he should shoot up, for more of a brain angle, or down, for more of a paralyzed the rest of your life angle. Why this is even a consideration, is anyone’s guess.

As he’s standing there in his kitchen, failing miserably to kill himself, a guy raps on the window. “Hey dumbass!” Alex looks around his kitchen, a bit confused. Mumbles something that sounds like, “Whooae meah?” With the gun still jammed in his mouth, of course.

Because fuck that bitch. There’s no fucking way Alex is letting his soon to be ex-wife get the last word. He’s determined to fucking end his life with a bang. “Yeah you, fucktard,” said the stranger outside the window. “I’ve got a package for ya. And trust me, you’re going to like it.”

A non-verbal argument ensued, as Alex tried to explain in no uncertain terms that he was in fact going to kill himself. No package or blowjob was going to change his fucking mind. Okay, maybe a really good blow job. But there’s nothing in a box that would possibly change his mind. Unless it was a dick-in-a-box.

Unfortunately, it was not, in fact, a dick-in-a-box. It was a letter informing Alex that his long-lost uncle had died and left him a huge estate out in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere. With tons of cash. And bitches. And vampires. Wait, no it didn’t say anything about the vampires. That would kind of give away Dracula’s evil tricks, now wouldn’t it? I mean it’s hard to lure fresh meat out to your secluded estate if you tell them up front that you ‘vant tooo drink thair bloooood’.

I really liked the first few chapters, and the last few chapters in this book. The in-between chapters sucked donkey balls. It’s just Alex meeting his creepy neighbors. Doing the whole Scoobie-Doo thing as he tries to unravel the mystery of how or why his so-called uncle was killed. And why, oh why do so many people want to suck him off? I mean, I’m not one to protest such things, but come on people, give it a rest.

In the end, I think this book should have been much shorter. Because there’s just way too much filler that didn’t need to be there. It’s just not a 300 page story. 100 pages, at the most. I’d probably even recommend this story if it was a concise 100 pages. Because then it would actually be worth reading. As it is, the bullshit in this story overtakes the good bits, and makes it suck in more ways than one.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook