Outsourced – should have been ghost written

Posted: April 23, 2015 in 2 Star Reviews, Fiction
Tags: , , , , , , ,


2 of 5 Magic-Elephant-Cock Stars – Outsourced by Eric J. Gates.

After the author of this book sent this one to me for review, I immediately put it on the bottom of my pile of books to review. Because look at this goddamn cover. It’s fucking retarded. I’m not sure why I hate it so much, but I really do. Thankfully, the book was actually better than the cover. Not that it’s good, mind you. It’s just not that bad.

This is the story of two writers, and a magic pen. Oh, and an assassin, who wants his fucking magic pen back. Because it’s really easy to kill people when you have a magic pen that can literally write fatal accidents into your target’s future. Because that’s what this pen does. If you write it, it will happen. Or something like that.

Apparently, the pen is not as easy as it seems. Because it has a mind of its own, and it’s a sneaky little fuck. You see, it’s like a magic Genie in a lamp, apparently. You have to write very specific instructions, or your wish will backfire. Like Nic, one of the writers who came upon the pen. He writes, “I wish my wife wasn’t such a bitch…” And sure enough, she’s not a bitch anymore, because shortly after that, she dies in a horrible car accident. Problem solved, right? I’m telling you, that pen is a motherfucker. A curse, if you will.

Wow. This sounds like a pretty interesting story, doesn’t it? Well, it’s not, goddamnit. It has such an awesome premise. The first few chapters are actually very good, but then comes the conspiracy horseshit. Where did this magic pen come from? How does it work? Let’s go talk to a physics professor and find out some actual science about this thing. Then find out its origin. Crack the secret language that’s written on the box it came in. Do endless google searches. No, not to google “pen in vagina porn”, because that might actually be interesting.

But why all the fucking research, man? I don’t give a fuck how this thing works. Nobody should care how it works, just use it, already. Get rich. Fuck some bitches. Make friendly aliens appear in Central Park, you know just for the fun of it. Because fuck, man. Think of the possibilities. It’s endless.

But nooooo. Because now the NSA are tailing Nic’s ass. And just about every other government spy agency around the globe. I mean, everyone wants this fucking pen. Because, of course they do. It’s fucking awesome! And this cocksuker Nic isn’t even using the goddamn thing. Such a shame. Someone should just send an assassin after him.

The original owner of the pen, the assassin, gets bored in his retirement from killing people, and comes back to the states to retrieve what’s rightfully his. But he finds his assassination attempts against Nic quite frustrating, because now Nic has the Power of Greyskull! Or whatever. He can thwart all of the assassin’s plans just by making a few notes.

Notes like, “I’m immortal” and “I have the biggest cock in the world” and “Okay, I don’t really need a 12 foot cock. Make it just a foot” and “Goddamnit, not a real foot, motherfucker. I mean make it a foot long cock” “Not a chicken! Fuck. Now my cock’s a chicken. A FOOT LONG PENIS, GODDAMNIT. I HAVE A FOOT LONG PENIS, OKAY? IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU?!”

He wasn’t quite happy with his foot long elephant penis, either. Because it was so fat and wide, it was completely useless. But he decided to cut his losses and do some more google searching: “how to fuck with a foot long elephant cock” google gave him a funny look and said, “fuck a very tiny elephant, you idiot.”

See, here I go making the book more interesting than it is. I often do that when I get bored as fuck while reading a book. Because there was so much conspiracy horseshit in this book, I just couldn’t stand it. The author really did make a great premise, but he skullfucked it so hard, it turned out useless.

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  1. Todd Medicii says:

    You have a way of making stories that probably aren’t very good, sound very, very good. I kind of want to read the book.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Angela says:

    Brilliant review! And I hate it when someone takes a fantastic storyline, and jacks it all up like this one apparently was 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A.D. Martin says:

    Reminded me of Death Note for obvious reasons, though the mechanics are clearly different. We need to find a physics professor and some theologians to figure out what the differences are. Get to work.

    Liked by 1 person

    • gegrizzle says:

      I haven’t read Death Note, but I have to assume that it’s 9000 times better than this fucking book. Is Death Note just a comic book, or is it a novel as well? I looked at the wiki and it sounds pretty cool.

      Liked by 1 person

      • A.D. Martin says:

        There hasn’t been a novelization of the series yet, apparently.

        There are two “light novels” (seems to be the Japanese equivalent of novellas), including English-language versions, but one is a prequel and the other is set in an alternate-timeline.


  4. gegrizzle says:

    Reblogged this on Glenn Hates Books and commented:

    …… This really is a crazy, yet stupid fucking book.


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