Archive for April, 2015

Glenn Hates Books

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2 of 5 Totally-Gay Stars – Kasher in the Rye by Moshe Kasher.

This book was a huge disappointment. I expected it to be the story of how Moshe Kasher became such an awesome comedian. But that’s not what it’s about, at all. It’s about his fucking childhood. Seriously, from like birth, until he gets his fucking GED at 16. Like I fucking care about that shit? Fuck no.

I wanted to read about how he first got on stage. How he bombed horribly. How he got gang raped in the alley, behind the club. How he went home crying, to his mommy. But no. It’s not about that at all. It’s just fucking bullshit about how his parents are deaf, and life is so hard… Cry me a fucking river. I don’t fucking care.

Okay, the bit where his mother asked him if he was a faggot every Sunday…

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2 of 5 Space-Junk Stars – Live Free or Die by John Ringo.

A friend of mine has a hard-on for John Ringo. So he’s always pushing Ringo’s books down my throat. I started reading this book several months ago, but kept having to put it down, because one of the things I hate the most about any kind of fiction is fucking bullshit politics. And this book is FILLED with politics.

Why? Why the fuck do we need politics in space? When I first saw The Phantom Menace, my biggest complaint wasn’t about Jar-Jar, it was about all the fucking politics. I don’t get it. Why tell a story about congress? Why include any kind of politics in a story? It’s bullshit, and it just stalls the story. Politics just bore me to tears, and puts me to sleep every time.

But my friend assured me that this book was worth it. “Trust me, dude. You’ll love it,” he said. Well, fucking bullshit. I hated it. Well, I kind of liked the story, if that’s all it was, but unfortunately, it was inundated with so much political nonsense, that it just wasn’t worth reading. It was a waste of fucking time. I found myself fast-forwarding through pages, to find something that wasn’t littered with politics.

It’s the story that made me want to keep reading, despite the politics. It’s about an alien invasion. But it’s a friendly invasion, of sorts. The aliens just want to do some trades for some heavy metals. Nothing intrusive. We’re just friendly green guys, don’t mind us. Sure. Trust the aliens. Why not. I mean, they only destroyed a few cities. For sport. So they can’t be that bad, right?

But the aliens get bored with destroying things for sport, so they go out looking to get wasted, and come across a local drug dealer, Tyler Durden who’s gotten tired of running his fight club. Tyler learns that the aliens are semi-allergic to most foods on earth, so he sets out to find something that the aliens can tolerate. He makes a bit of a taste test for the aliens, using cups of just about everything. A cup of sugar, a cup of flour, a cup of oil, a cup of whale jizz, and a cup of maple syrup.

All of these choices make the aliens sick, except for the whale jizz. The aliens get high as balls off whale jizz. They can’t get enough of it. And they’ll give Tyler all the sexy technology they have for as much whale jizz as Tyler can provide. So in a very short period of time, Tyler Durden becomes the richest man in the world. I mean seriously, the richest man. Suddenly, he has more money than all the rest of the humans on the Earth combined. That’s a shit ton of dough, man. And a fuck-ton of whale jizz.

So, of course, Tyler Durden sets out to build his own Death Star, which he calls Troy. It’s nearly as big as our moon. Has walls that are a kilometer thick, and is pretty much indestructible. It doesn’t even need weapons. It’s so massive, it can just plow its way through any battle. Throw all the nukes you want at Troy, and it’ll just smile and keep coming at you. It will just keep coming and coming with its synthetic whale jizz. Because that’s how Tyler Durden rolls, man.

This really could have been a good book. But it wasn’t. Because of all the political horseshit. I couldn’t stand it. I had to dig through all that garbage to even find the fucking story. Which was actually a pretty good story, if you took out all the political shit. But it wasn’t a 400 page story. Maybe 200.

If Ringo had just published the actual story, without all the horseshit, it would have been 4 stars, at least. But no. He had to go and skullfuck it, like so many authors do. What a fucking waste. I really hope John Ringo chokes on some whale jizz, just for some poetic justice.

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Glenn Hates Books

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3 of 5 Why-Bother Stars – Griffin’s Story by Steven Gould.

I didn’t read the first Jumper book, because I saw the Jumper movie, ‘starring’ that talentless hack Hayden Christensen. A friend of mine recommended this book, and I decided it was worth a try. And it was, kind of.

This is the story of Griffin, of course. He’s a Jumper. Someone who can teleport anywhere, by just thinking about it. No technological gadget required. Just some natural ability he has.

For some reason, this Jumping ability is seen as a threat to National Security. So, there’s this secret organization who hunt Jumpers. They’re called ‘Paladins’, for whatever reason. And they’re nasty motherfuckers. They kill pretty much anyone who has anything to do with a jumper. They killed Griffin’s parents. They killed his friends. And they’re threatening to kill his girlfriend.

This all started when Griffin was only 10…

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2 of 5 Magic-Elephant-Cock Stars – Outsourced by Eric J. Gates.

After the author of this book sent this one to me for review, I immediately put it on the bottom of my pile of books to review. Because look at this goddamn cover. It’s fucking retarded. I’m not sure why I hate it so much, but I really do. Thankfully, the book was actually better than the cover. Not that it’s good, mind you. It’s just not that bad.

This is the story of two writers, and a magic pen. Oh, and an assassin, who wants his fucking magic pen back. Because it’s really easy to kill people when you have a magic pen that can literally write fatal accidents into your target’s future. Because that’s what this pen does. If you write it, it will happen. Or something like that.

Apparently, the pen is not as easy as it seems. Because it has a mind of its own, and it’s a sneaky little fuck. You see, it’s like a magic Genie in a lamp, apparently. You have to write very specific instructions, or your wish will backfire. Like Nic, one of the writers who came upon the pen. He writes, “I wish my wife wasn’t such a bitch…” And sure enough, she’s not a bitch anymore, because shortly after that, she dies in a horrible car accident. Problem solved, right? I’m telling you, that pen is a motherfucker. A curse, if you will.

Wow. This sounds like a pretty interesting story, doesn’t it? Well, it’s not, goddamnit. It has such an awesome premise. The first few chapters are actually very good, but then comes the conspiracy horseshit. Where did this magic pen come from? How does it work? Let’s go talk to a physics professor and find out some actual science about this thing. Then find out its origin. Crack the secret language that’s written on the box it came in. Do endless google searches. No, not to google “pen in vagina porn”, because that might actually be interesting.

But why all the fucking research, man? I don’t give a fuck how this thing works. Nobody should care how it works, just use it, already. Get rich. Fuck some bitches. Make friendly aliens appear in Central Park, you know just for the fun of it. Because fuck, man. Think of the possibilities. It’s endless.

But nooooo. Because now the NSA are tailing Nic’s ass. And just about every other government spy agency around the globe. I mean, everyone wants this fucking pen. Because, of course they do. It’s fucking awesome! And this cocksuker Nic isn’t even using the goddamn thing. Such a shame. Someone should just send an assassin after him.

The original owner of the pen, the assassin, gets bored in his retirement from killing people, and comes back to the states to retrieve what’s rightfully his. But he finds his assassination attempts against Nic quite frustrating, because now Nic has the Power of Greyskull! Or whatever. He can thwart all of the assassin’s plans just by making a few notes.

Notes like, “I’m immortal” and “I have the biggest cock in the world” and “Okay, I don’t really need a 12 foot cock. Make it just a foot” and “Goddamnit, not a real foot, motherfucker. I mean make it a foot long cock” “Not a chicken! Fuck. Now my cock’s a chicken. A FOOT LONG PENIS, GODDAMNIT. I HAVE A FOOT LONG PENIS, OKAY? IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU?!”

He wasn’t quite happy with his foot long elephant penis, either. Because it was so fat and wide, it was completely useless. But he decided to cut his losses and do some more google searching: “how to fuck with a foot long elephant cock” google gave him a funny look and said, “fuck a very tiny elephant, you idiot.”

See, here I go making the book more interesting than it is. I often do that when I get bored as fuck while reading a book. Because there was so much conspiracy horseshit in this book, I just couldn’t stand it. The author really did make a great premise, but he skullfucked it so hard, it turned out useless.

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4 of 5 Cycle-Of-Abuse Stars – Tears of Innocence by T. R. Robinson.

I really hated the first part of this book. And I was torn because of it. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to critique a book about a girl getting raped during WWII? Not to mention getting raped by just about every other man she ever met. Including her goddamn relatives. It was relentless, all the rape and violence.

It took a while to get there, though. To get to the violence, that is. Because that was what I was looking for. Because I’m a sick and twisted fuck. The whole family thing, with her losing her mother, and being moved from house to house… I just didn’t really care.

But then the rape and torture kicked in, and I found myself being glued to the pages of this book. Not just because they were covered with my jizz, mind you. I mean, the story became very real. Because this is an autobiography of sorts, so these things actually happened to this girl. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Her misery just went on and on, like there was no end to it at all.

One thing about this girl that really drove me nuts was the fact that during all her rape and torture, she always called out to God. Why, God? Save me, God. Oh, please, KILL ME GOD! Like he’s some guy watching the whole thing from the clouds and encouraging the rapists. “Oh yeah, that’s good. Get deep in that ass. Yeah.”

Like the world is God’s very own real-life PornHub, or something. Never once did this girl think that there was no God looking after her. He faith never wavered. I don’t know if I’d call that completely retarded, stupid, insane, or just plain brave as fuck. I mean, how is God going to save you? If you believe that God has control over what happens to you, then why’d he let you get captured in the first place? Oh, right. Because, porn.

The girl doesn’t really escape her Nazi captors, she’s just thrown out with the other corpses. I guess they thought she was dead, or something. Maybe they got tired of sloppy 32nds. I mean you can only sodomize a fifteen year old girl for so long, before it just gets way too sloppy. They didn’t even touch the vag. Because, ewww. The vag is gross, man. That thing could eat you alive. Fuck that.

Some nice people find this young girl, moaning amongst the other zombies in the pile, and they pull her out from under the corpses, and take her home and mend her up. And then, they leave. They seemed so nice. But the fucking Nazis are coming, man. Fuck this girl. She can take care of her own damned self. Talk about not-so-good Samaritans.

The girl wanders around the countryside, getting raped and beaten by everyone she meets. By the Nazis, and the resistance alike. Because apparently, this is her lot in life. To get abused. So she just continues the trend. It’s all she knows. By this point, she figures getting raped in the ass, and beaten to a pulp is just what guys did. It’s just normal, right? The beatings are the foreplay, yes?

So she ends up marrying a complete asshole. Who beats the living shit out her even BEFORE they get married. Before? Seriously? Come on, man. What the fuck is wrong with women? If he beats you before you get married, why the fuck would he stop once you’re married? Because after marriage, you’re his, to do with as he wishes. Before marriage, he’s just some asshole. But now, he’s your asshole. Congratulations, you fucking idiot.

I liked this story because it was so real. It wasn’t real because it’s supposedly a true story. It was real, because I’ve known women like this. This shit actually happens. Okay, there’s not usually Nazis involved, but still… It happens. And it’s fucking sad.

I hope all women read this fucking book, and learn a thing or two. Say no, for fuck’s sake. Leave the motherfucker. Kick him in the balls. Buy a motherfucking shotgun. You don’t have to live with abuse. And never ever think you can change a man. Because men don’t change. They just get worse.

Well, except for me, of course. I tried to choke my wife once, when we were first married. She promptly punched me in the face. I’ve been scared to death of her ever since. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. And yes, she’s kicked me in the balls more times than I can count. You know, for fun.

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4 of 5 Super-Shart Stars – Dissimilar Shorts 4 by J.B. Taylor.

Sometimes I watch Ghost Hunters, just for a good laugh. Because that show really is retarded. And every fucking time I watch it, I hope to Christ that some actual ghost would jump out and gang-rape the shit out of those guys. Because that would be fucking hysterical.

The first story in this book is about just such a scene. A TV show goes to investigate a haunted house, and end up getting gang-raped by a little girl with an axe. A ghost axe, of course. And damn, if that little girl isn’t evil as fuck. I totally want to keep her in my basement, on a very short leash. For science!

Okay, maybe she’s not really evil. She’s just lonely. And killing more people gets more ghosts stuck in her house. More people to have tea with. More people to torture. And more screams! It’s always good to get more screams. Screams are her life-blood. It’s what she lives for. Crazy ass little girl.

The other story in this book is about super-heroes. Retarded super-heroes, apparently. Because, in the first scene, we find The Judge doing his super-tricks to thwart a bank robbery and save many lives. He can put anyone into a coma with just a thought. And he can fucking teleport anywhere, like that Jumper faggot.

But that’s not why he’s retarded. He’s retarded because the bad guys kidnap his girlfriend, and demand a ransom of 4 MILLION DOLLARZ. Oh noes! I guess I’d better go get that money then. Just rob a few banks, then I get my girl back. Cool. That’d be easy.

But wait, man. What the fuck? You have already shown us your motherfucking super-powers, so why the fuck are you robbing banks to pay these Russian cunts? Just do your thing, and snatch her back. How hard is that? You already did it before, so why are you running around robbing banks to give to the Russians? Have they brain washed you into being their bitch or something? What the actual fuck?

But wait, it gets worse. He meets yet another super-hero while he robs another bank. And she’s just as retarded. They have this whole epic fight scene, and after they’re finally tired of punching each other in the face, The Judge explains to her that he’s only stealing this dough to save a life. His precious girlfriend, who he’s never even fucked yet.

And I totally expected super-girl to respond with something like, “So, use your super-powers, man. Just go get her back, you fucking pussy. Why bother with all this money? Are you like retarded, or something?” But no. She totally went along with his plan, and helped him steal money to get his stupid girlfriend back.

I really did like both of these stories. I had my issues with the second one, but I still liked it. I mean, there was still lots of action and intrigue. And it even made me laugh because it was so fucking retarded. And if something can make you laugh, even if it’s unintentional, it can’t be that bad.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

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4 of 5 Fucking-Fuck Stars – The Cause by Roderick Vincent.

It seems like this book was written by a man who hates the government. He longs for rebellion. And I have no idea why. Maybe the government fucked him over with a bogus tax refund. Or maybe Mr. Vincent actually works for the government, and knows first hand how totally fucked up it is.

This book is set in the not too distant future, 2022. That’s not very far away. Nothing can really happen in the United States in seven years that’s going to totally change the nation. We’re not going to starve to death. The country is not going to turn into a police state. It’s just going to be the same old US-Of-Fucking-A.

In this story, the government is so corrupt that it steals from its citizens. There’s no more middle class. You’re either rich as fuck, or you’re a poor-ass bitch, living on the street and sucking cock for one more hit of crack. And in this future, the crack is super-crack. It keeps you high as balls for weeks. Sweet.

So there’s this guy. He doesn’t really have a name. Well, he has like 4 different names, because he’s like a hacker or something. And he’s black, for some reason. And he’s a badass motherfucker. An MMA fighter. And a fresh recruit for the CIA.

After black panther boy finishes his training at the CIA farm, he’s picked up by a super hardcore special forces group. They fly him out to the jungle and beat the living shit out of him. Teach him the Tao of Bullshit. The Zen of hacking. And hardcore Buddha fighting.

It turns out that this special forces group is actually part of The Cause. A group that sets out to destroy the government oppression in the United States. To bring the country back to its principles. To kill a bunch of fucking politicians. And to use the word ‘fuck’ in ways that are just not fucking appropriate.

And I should be the last person to make this fucking accusation. Because I fucking use ‘fuck’ constantly. See how annoying that fucking shit is? You can’t just fucking put ‘fuck’ in a fucking sentence for no fucking reason. Sure, I do that fucking shit all the time, but fuck, man. I write for fucking humor for fuck’s sake.

I did like this book because it had quite a bit of good action. Plenty of killing, which is always a good thing. I mean, they killed people in training for fuck’s sake. That’s hardcore shit. But what I didn’t like was the fact that there was too much training and not enough actual opps.

Seriously, like ninety percent of this book is training. It was good, sure. But the hardcore boot camp didn’t have to go on for that long. Get to the fucking story already. And learn how to use the word ‘fuck’ for fuck’s sake. Damn.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

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