Archive for April, 2015

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3 of 5 Totally-Catfished Stars – Before Time by Xunaira J.

This entire book is fucking pointless. It’s just a long drawn-out mIRC conversation. It’s nearly two hundred pages, but that’s all it is. Just online chat bullshit. It just never goes anywhere. I kept hoping for something to happen in the real world, but it never did.

This story is about twenty-year-old Onaiza and her online boyfriend. Okay, he’s not really her boyfriend. He’s just some random stranger on mIRC who suddenly becomes very interested in her. Or maybe he’s not interested in her at all. Because he’s so fucking aloof.

He tells her over and over in chat that she shouldn’t care for him. That he’s a cold-hearted asshole. That she should never trust anyone on mIRC, especially not him. He tells her that she definitely should NOT tell him any of her secrets. No, anything but that. Please.

Apparently, that’s the best way to get some innocent girl to tell you everything about herself. Because that’s what she does. She immediately tells him everything about herself. How she’s an ugly fat whale. How she’s probably better off dead. Because nobody cares about her. Awwww.

Seriously, she’s such a cry baby. She sounds more like a 13-year-old than a twenty year old. I mean, I’m really not sure who’s being catfished here. Because the dude sounds like he’s probably in his forties. If he is in fact a dude. So maybe they’re double catfishing. Ha! Wouldn’t that be something?

If you don’t know what catfishing is, for fuck’s sake man, turn on the TV for once in your life. There’s a movie called Catfish which spawned a TV show that is on its third season now. It’s about people who pretend to be someone else on the internet. Sometimes they do it because they’re really in love, but are ashamed of who they really are. Other times, they just like fucking with people.

So that’s really what I assumed this story was. A catfish story. But I really couldn’t tell who was being catfished. If either of them was. Because they talked about life, and love. About sex, and orgasms. About how she’s beautiful on the inside. And how she should really lose some weight, man. Because, damn.

But nothing ever really happened. There was no conclusion at all. Except for them both telling each other off. Fine, don’t love me. I didn’t like you anyway. Oh yea? Well… Well, you’re a fat whale. So there! Neener, neener. Okay, maybe the guy isn’t some forty-year-old creep. More like ten.

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4 of 5 Snarky-Wizard Stars – Storm Front by Jim Butcher.

This book is fucking awesome. It’s so witty and funny. And ridiculous. I mean, if you were a wizard, a real wizard, would you really go into business as some kind of private detective? Put an ad in the fucking yellow pages? That’s retarded. And funny as hell.

This book is about Harry Dresden. A professional wizard working in Chicago. He does in fact have an ad in the yellow pages. And a sign on his door that says, “Wizard For Hire!” Like anyone is gonna take that seriously. You might as well put a sign on your door that says, “Crazy Retard For Hire!” Because that’s what people are gonna think. That you’re a crazy retard. Because magic isn’t real. Everyone knows that.

Except that it really is real in this version of Chicago. I mean, nobody knows it’s real, except Harry. But whenever unexplained things start to happen in Chicago, people come to him for help. Because he understands the things that normal people don’t understand. Because he’s a fucking wizard. Deal with it. **SUNGLASSES**

After it’s established that this book is indeed silly as fuck, Harry is hired by some woman who thinks her husband is losing his fucking mind. Harry finds out that the husband isn’t really losing his mind. He’s just high as balls. Magic balls. Of course.

Then Harry gets a call from a chick he totally wants to bang. Karrin Murphy who works for a special ghost-busters unit of the Chicago PD. And also doesn’t know how to fucking spell ‘Karen’. Apparently, she found two dead bodies with their hearts ripped out. It’s black magic. Or something. So obviously it has something to do with that wack-job Harry Dresden.

And then there’s like vampires and shit. And warlocks. And demons. You know, the usual supernatural garbage. I mean, yeah, the story is pretty stupid and simple. And it’s borrowed from every other fantasy type book. But I don’t fucking care. This book isn’t awesome because of the fucking story. It’s awesome because of the characters. The fun, witty banter.

So what if the story basically comes down to burning up a meth house. It’s like Jim Butcher just took a standard Chicago PD case, and threw in a wizard. For shits and giggles. And it worked. I giggled so much, I think I shit myself.

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5 of 5 Pinned-To-The-Wall Stars – Pinned! by Vicki C. Smith.

This is the most erotic book I have ever read. And I’ve read quite a bit of erotica. I pretty much had a raging boner the entire time, while reading this book. If it was an actual paperback, instead of a kindle version, it would be quite sticky.

This is the story of Sindy, a married woman who really enjoys violent, forceful sex. The first scene in this book is a violent rape scene. For a second, I thought she was really getting raped. But then, it turns out that she had this whole thing arranged.

In a darkened hallway, in a mall. Where the cameras can’t see. She’s taken forcefully. Thrust down to the cement floor, and fucked mercilessly. The ‘stranger’ slaps her ass with a hard leathered hand. Wraps her long hair around his fist, and keeps on pounding until she cums like a racehorse.

Sindy works in a hair salon, in the mall. She takes her lunch break, and is approached by a handsome business man. They have some conversation, and he invites her to work part-time at his bowling alley. This excites crazy ass Sindy, because it’s been said that shady things happen at that bowling alley. Drug dealers. Pimps. Mobsters.

She takes the job, and soon finds out that she’s not just a bartender at the bowling alley. Jeremy, the handsome business man who hired her, asks her back to his office and promptly tosses her over his desk and violently fucks her. Giving her orders. “Bend over, kneel, put your hands over your head…”

And Sindy fucking loves every second of it. She can’t get enough of this kinky sex. Even though she has a husband and a daughter at home. She doesn’t fucking care. She just want’s to get fucked hard. Is that so wrong? I say nay nay.

And then Jeremy starts killing people, as you do. And he gets Sindy to help him dispose of the body. Which makes her horny as fuck. So they fuck madly, right next to the dead body. Man, this bitch is 50 shades of seriously fucked in the head. But goddamn, that was some hot erotic action.

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2 of 5 Free-Will-Is-A-Bitch Stars – Moirae by Mehreen Ahmed.

I didn’t like this book at all. It had too much politics and religion for me to give a shit. The story is supposedly set on some fantasy world, but it seems to me that this fantasy world is simply the Middle East. Because there’s all the jihad shit, and Muslims, and Mohammad and Jesuits.

This story is about the battle between those religions. Where families and farms are wiped out by roving gangs of jihad thugs. Because if you don’t belong to their religion, you don’t deserve to live. You don’t deserve to have a home and a farm. You don’t deserve happiness.

One young man is framed for murder, or something. His family struggles to get enough money to get the boy out of the country. But instead, the boy takes off on a bus. He goes off to try to live his own life somewhere else. And it’s always a struggle. No food. No water. No place to sleep. No pot to piss in.

His life sucks donkey balls, but he struggles on, praying to the random god of the week. Because he can’t decide what he believes in. He’s trying to convert to the best religion, to play with the politics, and finally get a decent job. Or maybe move further out in the country, where nobody will find him.

He finds a church that wants to help him. They give him a place to stay, and chores to do. They feed him, and wash his feet. Because apparently that’s their sick fetish, or something.

Eventually, word gets to him that his family has been brutally murdered, and their farm is just an unclaimed wasteland. So yippie! He goes back home to start his life anew. But everyone knows that the thugs will be back again. They’ll probably rape and pillage once more. But hey, live dangerously, right? Sure.

This entire book went on and on about how God will provide. Don’t worry. I know you’re starving, but God will provide. I know you’re living on the streets. You’re cold. You’re miserable. You want to kill yourself. But don’t worry, God will provide.

Fucking bullshit. God doesn’t provide shit. Ever heard of free will? God helps those that help themselves. In other words, God doesn’t help at all. He gave us free will, so we can fend for ourselves. He’s an absentee landlord. He doesn’t give a fuck about you. People die every fucking day. God doesn’t care.

The characters in this book do finally realize that it’s all a crock of shit. They start doing things for themselves, because it’s pretty goddamn obvious that God’s out to lunch or something. You can’t wait forever for your God fantasy. You have to do it yourself.

Then, of course, when they finally get what they want, they thank God for providing. HE DIDN’T PROVIDE SHIT, YOU STUPID CUNTS! When will people get this through their stupid thick skulls? Probably never. Because people are stupid ass sheep.

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4 of 5 Monster-Cock Stars – Cum for Frankenstein by Lasa Limpin.

This is a fun story. It’s very short, at 40 pages, but fun nonetheless. It’s even a story I can relate to. I guess I’m like Frankenstein’s monster, because I know what it’s like when you can’t cum after hours of fucking.

This story is about a bunch of horny bar wenches who happen upon Dr. Frankenstein’s monster who has been hiding out in a nearby barn. None of these girls are the least bit interested in the regular guys in town. Because none of those guys are horrible disfigured monsters.

It must be some kind of fetish, or something. Because these girls come on to the monster like he’s got hundred-dollar bills sticking out of his pocket. But no, all he’s got in his pocket is a huge motherfucking cock. And apparently that’s good enough for these sluts.

All three of them fuck his brains out right there in the barn. One of the girls even takes his huge cock in her ass. Because, why shove a huge monster cock in your pussy? That’s just plain boring. Might as well be adventurous. You never know when you’re going to find another horny monster, after all.

But even with the hardcore ass fucking, the poor monster can’t cum. After the girls are finished with him, he still rampages around the barn, humping the air, humping the horses, humping some guy’s face. Because some guys come (heh, I said come) to the barn with pitchforks and torches, to destroy the horrible monster.

But pitchforks and torches are no match for the rampaging monster cock. The monster fucks his way out of the barn, after pounding his cock deep into a guy’s skull, through the ear canal. Because fucking the guy’s mouth would be gay. But the ear? That’s not gay. That’s just hardcore, man.

I enjoyed this story. And not just because of the hardcore ass fucking. It was funny and erotic at the same time. That’s hard (heh, I said hard) to do. And there was quite a bit of action packed into a short amount of pages. And the monster finally got to cum hard. Yay!

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2 of 5 Prelude-To-Hoseshit Stars – The One Path by Larry S. Gerovac.

You know what really pisses me off? When a book is just a prelude to a series. There’s no beginning, middle, and end to this book. It’s just the beginning. And there’s no fucking conclusion whatsoever. It’s bullshit, is what it is.

This book is the story of Thomas, God’s last prophet. He’s just some average jackass. He’s not even particularly religious. But one of God’s angels came to him in a vision, and told him to lead the people to victory. To fight the battle with the demons who seek to destroy the world.

So Thomas wakes from his vision and says, “Alrighty then…” And takes off to Rome, to see the Pope. I’m not sure why he set out to seek the Pope’s wisdom. I mean Thomas isn’t even Catholic. And it’s not like the Pope can tell him anything that God’s angels can’t. Plus, the Pope’s people are probably just gonna think Thomas is bat-shit insane.

But Thomas gets lucky. He bumps into a nun who listens to his story. Because she’s an old lady who’s not playing with a full deck of cards. Thomas spouts some religious text to her, and she immediately believes him to be God’s last prophet. So she fast-tracks him to see the Pope.

Once Thomas finally gets to meet His Holiness, the Pope bashes Thomas upside the head with a staff. Because, apparently that’s how you tell if someone is a demon, or just plain human. Because demons heal faster. And Thomas just stood there with a stupid look on his face, as blood dribbled down his face.

“Well, shit…” the Pope said. “I guess you’re not a demon after all.” And then they have a long pointless conversation. Because the whole meeting was pointless. There’s nothing the Pope can tell you that’s gonna help with anything, Thomas. He’s just a man, like you.

Thomas goes off to fight the good fight against the demons with his trusty sidekick, Myrrh. Because all religious crusaders need their own personal computer hacker, apparently. Oh yea, and Myrrh can channel angels and demons and stuff. And he can tell when things are real, or imaginary. Quite the useful sidekick.

And then there’s the whole antichrist thing. The devil impregnated some young girl to birth his hellspawn, but he doesn’t do it the fun way. He doesn’t actually fuck her. No, that’d be cool. We can’t have that. No, he just takes her to his evil lab and impregnated her with some evil plasma super-sperm, or something. With a fucking needle and a petri dish. No dick required. Man, some demons just don’t know how to party.

And then the book ends. Okay, not right there, but soon after the hell-spawn is born. It just ends. Thomas and his sidekick aren’t any closer to stopping the evil demons, and God finally decides that Thomas is a useless fuckstick. The end.

Seriously? Come on, man. This is fucking bullshit. It’s like just as the book was finally getting interesting, it ends. I was bored out of my mind, until the last few chapters. I actually got interested in the story. And then it ends on a motherfucking cliffhanger.

I know I’ve been on kind of a 2 star rampage lately. But it’s not my fault. Authors keep sending me these bullshit books, and it’s pissing me off. Somebody please send me a good book to read. I’m really getting sick and tired of reading horseshit.

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2 of 5 Fucking-Pointless Stars – Worse than Senseless Things by J. Battle.

I was bored out of my mind while reading this book. It’s not funny. It’s not exciting. It’s just an endless battle scene, told from several different perspectives. To me, this just made the plot convoluted as fuck.

I do respect the amount of work that went into this book. The world-building was amazing. All the different alien races and planets were fascinating. But what were all these aliens doing? Just wandering around their planet with their token human. Not doing anything interesting at all.

Awesome world-building does not mean there’s going to be a good story to go with it. Unfortunately for this book, the world-building was all it had. The story was weak. The characters were stupid and cardboard. And the endless space battles were fucking pointless.

When a character says, “Sir, we’ve just lost 78 more ships, sir!” Okay, big fucking deal. Why’d you lose those ships? Where’s the conflict? What can you do about it? The fleet was constantly losing ships, and nobody ever did anything about it. So how am I supposed to care? Conflict without any meaning is just empty conflict. It’s fucking useless.

This book is about an intergalactic war. Everyone is fighting, for whatever reason. Planets, and entire civilizations are being destroyed. Because, reasons. It really is fucking pointless.

I had to drag myself, kicking and screaming, to the end of this book. I really couldn’t stand it. I just wanted it to be over. Just nuke the whole fucking galaxy, and be done with it. Because I can’t fucking take it any more.

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2 of 5 Wasted-Talent Stars – The Whisperer by Ioanna Carlsen.

I don’t know what the fuck the cover of this book is supposed to represent. But I have to assume it’s an abstract portrait of the author’s dog, or something. Because more than half the poems in this book are about a dog. A fucking dog.

Look, I don’t fucking care about your goddamn dog, okay? And I don’t care about the swan in the lake. Or how the fire crackles in the motherfucking hearth. Who gives a shit? It’s fucking stupid.

Good poetry isn’t about things. It’s about you, the author. Go ahead and write a fucking poem about a goddamn swan if you want, but don’t tell me about the swan. Tell me about how the swan makes you feel. How it reminds you of your childhood. Or some such bullshit.

The problem with the poems in this book is the lack of feeling, or emotion of any kind. It made me feel nothing. I really think it’s because the author chose to write about things, instead of herself, or her relationships. Because what makes a poem great is the emotion that you put on the page. That’s what makes it real.

I do believe that this poet has talent. I just think it’s wasted on this collection. I think that if she put more of herself into her poetry, it would be much better. It might actually make me feel something.

Unless of course, she’s a fucking psychopath, who actually has no feelings. That would explain a lot. Because even the poems that I thought might be about her used pronouns other than ‘me’ or ‘I’. So it’s all a fucking mystery.

But that mystery didn’t make it alluring. It just pissed me off. I kept screaming as I was reading this on the shitter… “Tell me how you really feel, goddamnit!” But it was all for nothing. Because in the end, none of Ioanna’s feelings were on the page. Just more drivel.

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3 of 5 Scary-Bear Stars – Hammurabi Road by Steve Vernon.

This book includes three different stories. The first story was the longest, and the best one, by far. I really enjoyed it. The other two stories were pretty much useless. I guess they were just thrown in there to make the book longer.

But the problem with that is this: you take a 5 star story and mix in some 2 star stories, and you end up with 3 stars. If this book was just that first really good story, it would have been much better, in my opinion. But no.

After such a good story, I expected more of the same. But what I got was something else entirely. Some bullshit about Bigfoot. And something about ghosts on a railroad. Basically, stories to skip if you read this book.

The story worth reading is Hammurabi Road. It’s a story of revenge gone horribly wrong. A few foul-mouthed friends set out to find and kill the asshole who burned down a hotel, killing a bunch of people. Everyone in town thinks it’s this one guy. So these idiots are on a mission to kill that fucker.

But first, they run into a bear. A big fucking bear. And for some reason, they wrestle with it. Punch it in the face a few times. You know, real man shit. Then they finally get out a gun and kill the big bastard. But then, the soul of the bear haunts them.

They get back to their mission, to kill the fucker that burned down the hotel. They find him, and trap him on the railroad tracks. They wait for the train to come. Then, once they think he’s dead, they start to have doubts. Was he really the guy?

That was a good story. The rest of the book, not so much. It definitely gives me a good reason to stay the fuck out of Canada, that’s for sure. I mean, bears? Fuck bears, man.

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2 of 5 Hardcore-Anal Stars – Breakup by Grace Kagni.

I fucking hated this book. It’s filled with so much bullshit romance garbage, I wanted to puke. That is, until I came (heh, I came) across the hardcore anal sex. Then, I was all like, hmmmmm… I could get into this book.

Because it seemed like the sex scenes were not written for women. They must have been written for men. Because, come on… How many women fantasize about anal sex? And how many of those women also fantasize about giving head? Not too many, I’d think.

What we’re talking about here is a female unicorn. A woman who can easily climax multiple times, just from having a cock in her mouth. Or a dick in her ass. Multiple orgasms. Yeah, sure. If you ever find one of these unicorn girls, put a ring on that finger, man. Because it doesn’t get any better than that.

But, see what I’m saying? I have to assume that the target audience for this book is women, because shit man, you don’t see many guys at the airport reading romance novels. Well, maybe they would, if there was something on the cover that said, “Hardcore Anal Sex Scenes!” I mean, I’d read that shit, sure.

But why would a woman read it? It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. Sure, the story is about a couple rich guys fighting over a plain girl who cleans toilets and washes dishes for a living. It’s a pretty standard romance tale.

So, I understand why women would want to read about that shit. All the actual romance is definitely written for women. But the sex? No way, man. That shit is straight-up porn. And sure, women like porn just as much as men do, but they don’t want to read about hardcore anal sex.

Or am I wrong? Somebody please correct me here. Do women really want to read about giving head and swallowing huge loads of jizz? Does that really get them off? I’m so confused right now.

In the end, I hated this book because the story was so fucking stupid. It’s just a simple, pointless story. And the characters were pure cardboard. No substance to them at all. And there were no surprises. Everything was way too predictable. So yeah, fuck this book.

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