It’s Just Us, Daddy – no, it’s not

Posted: May 30, 2015 in 2 Star Reviews, Fiction
Tags: , , , , , , ,

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2 of 5 Kill-Me-Now Stars – It’s Just Us, Daddy by Pete Deakon, illustrations by Kaelyn Williams.

This book should have been called ‘Gettin’ High With Daddy’, or maybe ‘How to Kill Your Daddy With an Imaginary Tiger’. Seriously, those would be much more accurate titles. Because, it’s not just us, Daddy. It’s us and a bunch of fluffy monsters that totally won’t kill us.

Usually a children’s book has some kind of point, or message. A lesson, maybe. You know, what to do when you’re sad. Or, how to kill monsters, that sort of thing. But no. Not this fucking book. You’re not going to learn anything reading this thing. Unless of course you want to learn how to kill your dad with an imaginary tiger.

This book is a story about a father taking his little girl to the park. Trying their best to avoid child molesters. Wait, no that’s not in there. That would have given the story at least some kind of message. We wouldn’t want that.

No, they just go to the fucking park and start hallucinating. As you do. Oh look, there’s a dinosaur over there, playing with a beach ball. Nothing about oh, maybe you should run for your fucking life, kid. Because there’s a fucking dinosaur at the fucking park. No, that would be useful information. We don’t need that shit.

And I’m pretty sure that this little girl wants to get her poor ol’ dad killed. Because she hallucinated a tiger and tells her father to go ahead and pet it. “If it hisses, it wants you to hold him,” she says. So yea, go ahead daddy, hold the harmless tiger. It won’t eat you, I swear!

And how about that perfect sentence she uses? I know she’s just a stupid little girl, but I assume that the guy that wrote this shit isn’t a retarded little girl. So, “If it hisses…” Okay, it’s an ‘it’. Then “It wants you to hold him…” Now it’s a ‘him’? Make up your fucking mind, man. Be consistent for fuck’s sake. It’s either an ‘it’ or a ‘him’ not both. Jesus tapdancing Christ. Learn some fucking English before you write a goddamn children’s book, man.

And then some other little girl enters the park to be eaten by tigers. And I’m like, okay, we’re gonna get some substance here. Like the dad is gonna get his little girl to go befriend the other girl, so they can drag the poor thing back to their lair. Oh goodie. Finally, some action!

But no. It’s just “Hey, I used to have those same sandals you’re wearing. Like a decade ago. I mean, come on. Those are so 2004.” But she didn’t really say that. Because that would have been cool. I mean, maybe some actual conflict would happen. But we can’t have that, now can we?

I didn’t like this stupid fucking book. I definitely wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, child or otherwise. It’s just not that intriguing, man. Even a children’s book needs to be somewhat interesting, for fuck’s sake. Hell, the good ones even have conflict and resolution.

But not this one. It just has hack writing and computer-generated images. I mean, come on. How hard is it to draw these days? Seriously. Is that too much to ask? Have some actual artwork? That’s what makes children’s books so cool. But no. Denied once again. Fucking bullshit.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

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Comments
  1. […] You can, but really should not, read it by clicking here. […]

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Brother Dave says:

    Your review is even more pointless. For certain, English is not your strong suit.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. gegrizzle says:

    I know, right. I’m fucking retarded. Why anyone would ask a retard like me to review their book is beyond me.

    Like

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