Archive for May, 2015

Glenn Hates Books

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3 of 5 Pregnant-Jack Stars – Stirred by JA Konrath & Blake Crouch.

Well, it looks like Luther Kite is up to no good again. And, here’s superhero cop Jack Daniels to save the day once again. Whooptie-freakin-doo. I’ve read this same goddamn story in all of these Konrath and Crouch novels. It’s just the same shit over and over. Bad guy kills some people. Jack tries her best to solve the crime.

Then, the bad guy kills more people. He taunts Jack, so she knows who’s doing the dirty deeds. He wants her hot on his heels. The game is so much more exciting that way.

For the most part, this book is about revenge. Everyone wants revenge against Jack. Because she’s just so good at her job, that she keeps putting bad guys in prison. And bad guys fucking hate prison. So they break out, and go after her…

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1 of 5 Kindle-Shredder Stars – The Year of Dan Palace by Chris Jane

This book is fucking horrible. It’s just a story about one sad, pathetic man. And his sad, pathetic life. Why would anyone want to read about that? Hell, why would anyone want to write about that? Fuck if I know. All I know is, it’s boring as fuck.

There’s this guy, Dan Palace. His wife hates him. His cat hates him. Everybody hates him. He’s a useless fuck. So, he gets a divorce. Bangs a whore or two. Goes to Vegas and blows all his cash at the craps table.

This doesn’t sound like fiction to me. It sounds like something that actually happened. Maybe that means that the writing was that good. But, I don’t think that’s what it means. I think it’s just bad fiction. If this is the extent of the author’s imagination…

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Samantha – is a dirty whore

Posted: May 10, 2015 in Fiction

Glenn Hates Books

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3 of 5 Stars – Samantha by K  Morris.

I’m not a fan of how British people write. Since I’m just a retarded American, by ‘British’, I mean anyone who lives in Europe. They spell things weird. They use different punctuation. They say “I went to University” or “I went to Hospital”. I’m sorry, but that shit ain’t right. It’s “the University” or “the hospital”, you limey fucks.

That’s really my biggest complaint about this story. All the Britishness kept shining through, and it distracted me from the story. Frankly, it pissed me off. Because the story is about a hot-ass whore in Liverpool. Sure, she isn’t a whore by choice, but who is, really. Most girls don’t long to be a whore when they grow up. They’re thrust (heh, I said ‘thrust’) into the profession in one way or another.

That was the first, but not the last cliche in…

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3 of 5 Boring-Virgin Stars – The Vision by C.L. Talmadge.

This book is a fucking soap opera. This guy’s banging that chick. Some other guy wants to fuck some dude. And of course, there’s plenty of surprise relationships that aren’t surprises at all. Oh noes, that chick is that dude’s daughter. Who the fuck cares?

This story is mostly about royalty and politics. Some military doctor chick is tasked with saving a prince who had a heart attack. Everyone just assumed he was dead. And he was for a few minutes, but the doctor chick brought him back. Now he’s a zombie prince. Yay!

But wait, this doctor chick isn’t even royalty. What the fuck is she even doing on the grounds? That’s sacrilege! Arrest her at once! And so they do, and like a third of this fucking book is dedicated to her trial for stepping on sacred ground. A capital offense. Really? You’re gonna put some hot chick to death because she stepped foot in your secret garden? That’s fucking retarded.

Of course she’s convicted, and sentenced to death. But come on, she’s the main character in this story, and frankly, the only interesting one. She’s not going to fucking die. You can do all the preparations you want. Put her in a cold cell naked. Torture her all you want. She’s not going to fucking die. So it’s really a wasted attempt at suspense.

Because at the last second, with her head on the chopping block, her long-lost father, Lord James comes to the rescue. Yeah, I saw that coming a mile away, man. No surprise whatsoever. Lord James takes her to his large house in the country, and pampers the shit out of his long-lost daughter.

But Helen is having none of it. “Fuck you, dad! I can take care of myself, thank you very much.” But Lord James has his man-servant drug her, so she stays in bed, like a good little girl. But eventually, she heals up enough to go on being the good doctor, attending to the sick and ailing royalty.

I really didn’t like this book. Not because it was poorly written, though. It was very well written. With amazingly vibrant characters. Especially Helen. I fucking loved Helen. She had some spunk. Even though she was a virgin. Why do they always have to be virgins? Being a slut is way more interesting.

No, the reason I didn’t like this book was the fact that nothing actually happened in it. It was just gossip and rumors and politics and bullshit. Nobody died. Nobody got fucked. It was all just innuendo. There wasn’t even any real back-stabbing. I’d expect some crazy back-stabbing from a fucking soap opera, but with this story there was none. And that lack of conflict made the story boring as fuck.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

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3 of 5 Clueless-Sleuth Stars – Candy, Murder & Me by Carolyn Chambers Clark.

This book was way too girly for me. I mean, every fucking chapter had some recipe for foodstuffs. Like I fucking care. I don’t even know what the fuck those recipes were doing there. What did they add to the story? Absolutely nothing. If anything, it just distracted from the story.

This book is about a murder mystery. Some ditzy woman aptly named ‘Cookie’, finds her P.I. dead in her clothing design studio. And the cops think she did it. Because the P.I. was investigating some embezzlement case that Cookie was involved in.

So, of course Cookie has to take up the P.I. business herself, and find out who really killed Mr. Falcone. Now that’s a mob name, if I ever heard one. And sure enough, the guy was seriously involved in the mob. That’s one way to get yourself killed fast. Dumbass.

Cookie goes to Mr. Falcone’s office and digs through his files, to see if she can find any leads into his murder. Mr. Falcone’s assistant helps her out and gives her some stupid ideas about how to be a good detective. You know, like getting a fucking gun, and trying not to shoot yourself with it.

The story continues on and on with Cookie and her new friend checking out all of Mr. Falcone’s recent cases. Most of which were guys trying to find out if their wives were cheating on them. Of course they’re cheating. If you think they’re cheating, they are. Period. Because they fucking hate you.

Then she comes across a case involving a chemical company that may be dumping toxic waste. So she starts investigating by breaking into their offices, and promptly gets shot at. She escapes, and nearly gets run off the road by ‘the guy with the golden tooth’, straight out of fucking James Bond.

In the end, Cookie got all the answers she needed from the bad guy. He confronted her, gun in hand, and insisted that she hand over the evidence. But no. She started singing off tune instead. Oh shit. MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE, I’LL DO ANYTHING! JUST MAKE IT STOP!. So he ended up telling her everything. Because the pain in his ear holes was just too much to take. Really? What kind of murderous pussy are you, guy? Damn.

This book reminds me a lot of the Stephanie Plum novels by Janet Evanovich. Where some ditzy broad takes up some profession she clearly doesn’t belong in. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I mean, just about every book out there is derivative in some way or another.

I can’t say that I hated this book. But I didn’t like it either. Which is strange, because I rather liked the Stephanie Plum novels which are quite similar. The problem I found with this book was that it was just too repetitive. And too fucking girly. And no sexual tension. It was kind of a taco fest, because there weren’t really any guys in the story. Just dead ones. And it’s hard to build sexual tension around a dead guy.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

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3 of 5 Not-So-Digital Stars – Digital Heretic by Terry Schott.

At the end of the first book in this series, The Game, I thought to myself, ‘Wait a minute, this is a game within a game, isn’t it?’. And sure enough, with this book, that’s what it is.

Our hero, Trew dies at the end of the first book. Well, he was mostly dead, anyway. His body was only kept alive by machines. But, guess what happens in this book? Go ahead, guess. Do you think he’s really dead? Or does he just wake up suddenly, as if by miracle?

You guessed it! He’s alive and well. Yippie! Who the fuck cares? Jesus tapdancing christ. If you’re gonna kill someone, fucking kill them, goddamnit. I fucking swear, everyone who ‘dies’ in this fucking book ends up just coming back, refreshed and spry as ever.

Anyway, this book is…

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Insurgent – is so much meh

Posted: May 4, 2015 in Fiction

Glenn Hates Books

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2 of 5 Die-Tris-Die Stars – Insurgent by Veronica Roth.

I don’t know why I kept reading this stupid fucking series. I mean, it’s just so goddamn immature. And I should know. I’m like a 12 year old stuck in a 45 year old body. But, this stupid skank Tris is just such a whiney bitch. I can’t stand her, and she’s the motherfucking narrator.

So, why the hell am I still reading this shit? I’ll tell you why. Because somewhere, deep in the muck, after you get past all the teenage angst, and cry-baby antics, there’s an interesting story in there. Sure, it’s near impossible to find. It’s buried under piles and piles of horseshit. But, if you’ve got the patience, you may just find it.

This book starts out, pretty much right after the first book left off. Tris and Four are on the run, looking for a safe…

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4 of 5 Hardcore-Anal Stars – Woken Furies by Richard K. Morgan.

This book is an exciting adventure story, set in an amazing sci-fi future, where everyone is immortal. Their bodies aren’t immortal, though. See, every day, everyone’s consciousness is uploaded to a central server. If someone’s body dies, they’re just uploaded to a new body, called a ‘sleeve’.

Of course, our hero, Takeshi Kovacs always ends up in a sexy, enhanced man-beast sleeve. With the biggest cock, the best muscles, and an enhanced sarcasm booster. Because, snark is what gets him laid, apparently. Not the hot bod, and the sexy muscles. It’s definitely the snark.

Sexy Kovacs picks up some hot slut at a bar, and soon joins her gang of mercenaries. But only after banging the shit out of her asshole, of course. Because Kovacs love the anal. And ass to mouth, as you do. Because porn is…

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