Archive for June, 2015

—— Seriously, is it really that hard to put some goddamn bimbos in a book about bimbos? Damn.

Glenn Hates Books

0bi

1 of 5 Fucking-Bullshit Stars – Bimbos of the Death Sun by Sharyn McCrumb.

I read this book, hoping for bimbos. Because, goddamnit, there’s fucking bimbos right there in the goddamn title. So, you’d think there would be plenty of skanky-ass bimbos in this book. But no.

Don’t get your hopes up. There are absolutely NO bimbos in this fucking book. Not one. I mean, unless you count geeky fangirls as bimbos, which I certainly don’t.

I mean, come on… We all know what bimbos are. They’re hot, big-breasted women, who are dumber than a box of rocks. If they’re smart, they’re not bimbos. If they got itty-bitty titties, they’re not bimbos, goddamnit.

More to the point, this book isn’t even ABOUT bimbos. Or even a motherfucking ‘Death Sun’, for that matter. It’s a goddamn murder mystery. Set in and around a fucking comic con.

It seemed like this book…

View original post 212 more words

Advertisements

0rare

4 of 5 Fucked-In-The-Head Stars – Rarity from the Hollow by Robert Eggleton.

This book is fascinating. And then, just when you thought it was going to get even more awesome, it goes full-on derpy derp, and gets stupid as fuck. It pissed me off so much. I don’t know why books fail so often at being awesome throughout. It’s like they just lose their mojo halfway through, and say ‘fuck it’. Or in this author’s case, I’m pretty sure he just got high as balls and just started pulling shit out of his ass.

This book is about a twelve-year-old girl named Lacy Dawn, and her android boyfriend from another planet, aptly named DotCom. I say it’s apt, because DotCom is responsible for all the email spam in the entire universe. And there’s actually a big spammer in the real world named Kim DotCom. So that kind of cracked me up.

Now, I’m not going to keep calling this stupid girl ‘Lacy Dawn’. Because if you tell me your name is ‘Lacy Dawn’, I’m going to call you ‘Lacy’. I mean, that just makes sense to me. Until I’m corrected, anyway. Nobody in this story ever even tries to call this girl ‘Lacy’, and I find that absolutely ridiculous.

Lacy has a very dysfunctional family. Her dad is a stoned-out drunk fucker that is suffering from PTSD from the Gulf war. He beats the ever-loving shit out of his wife and Lacy all the time. You know, for fun. He does it the old-fashioned way, with a switch. Or for them city-folk, a branch from a tree.

Which is fine, because Lacy has actual conversations with trees. Oh, and ghosts. Well, one ghost. Her name is Faith, and she lives in a tree. And she’s a fucking asshole. But she does have good advice for Lacy from time to time.

The two-thousand-year-old DotCom android devises an evil plan to save Lacy’s parents. He’s gonna hack their motherfucking brains, and make them better. Because he’s sick and fucking tired of seeing his little student get beaten by her parents.

You see, he doesn’t even recognize that Lacy thinks he’s her boyfriend. He’s just an android doing a job. Securing Lacy’s employment for a very important mission. To save the world, of course.

And this is where it goes full-on derpy derp. You see, to save the world, Lacy must go shopping in the biggest mall in the universe. No, not to get supplies, or something. That would make sense. No, she needs to go shopping to save the world. Like nobody is better at shopping than Lacy and her new and improved parents.

And yes, Lacy introduced DotCom as her boyfriend, and her parents were of course shocked. That is, until they noticed he was lounging around naked, and he had no cock or balls to speak of. Just smooth as a fucking Barbie doll down there. But not to worry, he learns how to grow some junk later, when he finally accepts Lacy’s love.

But wait, there’s an evil cockroach plot! I mean the goddamn cockroaches are taking over the mall. And they’re taking over Lacy’s dad’s pot farm. Because of course he has a fucking pot farm. Because you would have to be high as fucking balls to write this shit. And the characters are constantly getting high, because apparently, you can’t even participate in this story without being high as balls.

The last third of this book is about DotCom teaching Lacy’s dog to communicate with roaches. So they can figure out what the fuck is going on. What can they do to help the roaches? Get ’em to move the fuck out of the mall, and out of dad’s fucking pot crop. But seriously, if you can train the dog to talk to the roaches, why couldn’t you just train Lacy to do it? Oh because it’s cool to actually have a conversation with a dog. Which pretty much always goes like this: “Gimme bacon!”

So with the help of Lacy’s dog, they negotiate a treaty with the roaches, and find them a new home. Well, it’s not a new home. It’s just the home they left thousands of years ago. But it’s good as new now. So they move in and decide to call it ‘Earth’.

This book really was fucking crazy. None of it made any fucking sense. It was a total cluster-fuck from beginning to end. And I fucking loved it. Because the author’s writing style was absolutely brilliant. He weaved in first person and third person narratives like every other paragraph. And the imagination on this guy… Damn.

GET WASTED! You may want to be high as balls before reading my book. It confuses sober people. http://amzn.to/1wKcVK6

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

The Pig – is down and dirty

Posted: June 11, 2015 in Fiction

—— This really is a sick and twisted book. But not very original for an Edward Lee story.

Glenn Hates Books

0p0

3 of 5 Fucked-Up Stars – The Pig by Edward Lee.

The problem with writing about debauchery, is that there are only so many variations of brutal sex and torture. Or at least that’s what I’m assuming, with this book. Because Edward lee repeats himself often in this book. He borrows from his other sick and twisted books, instead of coming up with new and interesting debauchery.

Well, except for the bestiality, of course. That sick and twisted porn is exclusive to this book, as far as I can tell. Because that’s what this book is. Porn. The most disgusting porn I’ve ever read, that’s for sure. There’s pig fucking, where the junkie whore catches the pig’s jizz in a shot glass and downs that shit with a grin. Then, there’s the dog fucking. And the horse fucking.

And it’s all captured on film, by our hero, the geeky Leonard…

View original post 353 more words

0brooks

2 of 5 Trillionaire-Paying-For-Sex Stars – Mr. Brooks & His Women by Nessa Dearmond.

This ‘book’ is not a book at all. It’s a very short story. Only six pages, for fuck’s sake. It’s kind of sad, really, because the premise of this book is kind of interesting. Too bad it was written so poorly.

The story is about Mr. Brooks and his whores. Mr Brooks is a fucking trillionaire playboy. He makes Tony Stark look poor. And he fucks celebrities for the fun of it. By offering them shit-tons of cash. Because sure, not everyone has a price. But when you offer them one hundred million dollars for a night of fucking, all the sudden they do have a price.

For such a short story, there’s quite a bit of backstory about Mr. Brooks. Apparently, he made his trillions by creating a cure for baldness. Not those bullshit cures, I mean a real cure. Oh, and he also made a cure for small dicks. Like you take this pill, and you get to have a ten-inch cock. For reals. So of course he made trillions of dollars.

Oh yeah, and he also has the cure for every sickness known to man. So, he’s like immortal, or something. I don’t fucking know. Mr. Brooks is just the ultimate fantasy man. He’s the guy that every man wishes he could be. Have all the money in the world, all the women in the world, and a huge fucking cock.

Okay, great, but why is this story so bad then? Well, because it’s six fucking pages! And apparently the author is addicted to semicolons; because he (I have to assume a guy wrote this shit) used so many semicolons in this fucking story; that I could barely read it; I mean, isn’t this annoying as fuck; it’s just not right; and it drove me fucking crazy; I mean, is it really that hard to just use a period?

And there were extra words that clearly didn’t belong. I mean words where the made the sentence make no fucking sense. See what that I mean? So goddamn retarded. And this ‘book’ is actually published. People are buying this shit, and apparently it never got edited, because it fucking needs it bad.

All that being said, I think this story would make a great novel. It really is the perfect fantasy. Well, for men, anyway. And I guess women wouldn’t mind reading about getting paid millions of dollars for one night of banging. Because that’s their fantasy, right? Just fucking a rich dude. People say men are simple. But sometimes, I think women are even more simple. Just give ’em plenty of cash, and they’re happy.

EAT A BAG OF DICKS! They’re like potato chips. You can’t eat just one. Get my book! It’s fucking hilarious. http://amzn.to/1wKcVK6

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

shorts3

4 of 5 Wizarding-World-of-Demons Stars – Dissimilar Shorts 3 by J.B. Taylor.

I actually liked the short stories in this ‘book’. But I have a hard time calling it a book, because it’s really only 28 pages of content. The rest of the pages are dedicated to promotional material. So, I guess it’s more of a pamphlet than a book.

I also have a hard time calling this a ‘collection’ of short stories. Because it only includes two short stories. If you have two of something, it’s not really a collection, now is it? But whatever this publication is, it’s actually pretty decent, if you don’t notice all the grammatical errors.

I mean, I find errors in just about everything I read, but this publication had more errors than usual. Using ‘sense’ when trying to say ‘since’ is just plain silly. And that’s just one example. There are plenty more.

All that being said, the first story of this ‘collection’ is very good. It’s about a girl who unleashes a bunch of demons on the world, because she’s a fucking idiot. She wanders into a mausoleum, and finds an old book. And she thinks to herself, “I really shouldn’t open this book and read it aloud. Bad things could happen. Oh, who am I kidding… That’s just in the movies, right? It’s fine. I’ll just read a little passage.”

And sure enough, all hell breaks loose. The protector of the mausoleum wakes from his slumber and tells her that it’s now her job to go fetch all those fucking demons and put ’em back where she fucking found ’em. Stupid cunt. Or, she could just go kill the boss guy. Mr. Scorpion. He’s a big, badass, motherfucker of a demon, and he’s having a blast destroying Reno.

This story plays out like it’s a fucking video game. The girl slashes through demon after demon with the help from some local cops. Then she gets to the top of Cesar’s Palace to fight the boss demon. Planes and helicopters are flying overhead, shooting the motherfucker. But the bombs and bullets just bounce off him.

So this stupid girl is supposed to fight this boss demon alone. All she has is a gun. It’s not even a big gun. And from the looks of it, this motherfucker is bulletproof. And bombproof. So, she shoots a rocket that is next to the motherfucker, and the demon explodes, and all the rest of the demons get trapped back in the mausoleum. The end.

What? The motherfucker was bomb proof, you idiot. This is fucking bullshit. Why would you tell us that he’s bombproof and bulletproof, and then end the story by blowing up a bomb on him? Are you just trying to set up a sequel? I mean, what the actual fuck is happening? I thought, okay, this isn’t really the end. They’re gonna get back to the mausoleum, and the big motherfucker is gonna come back to life and skull fuck this stupid bitch. Right? Nope. It’s just the end. Fucking bullshit.

The next story is about a wizard that holds up a convenience store with his wand. And this isn’t in some fucking Harry Potter land, either. It’s just downtown L.A. or something. Wizard’s aren’t supposed to exist, goddamnit. But apparently, they do. And of course, there’s a special government wizarding agency that tries to control them.

And that’s pretty much the whole story. It’s only about six pages long. So, it wasn’t much of a story. It was more of an outline than a real story, really. But it wasn’t bad. I’d still recommend this ‘book’. It’s a fun and quick read. And it doesn’t make you think too much. In fact, I think a few of my brain cells died while reading this book. Maybe I shouldn’t have been high as balls while reading it. Naaa. Fuck that.

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMMINGS Watch ’em all jump off. And laugh and laugh. Get my book. It’s fucking hilarious. Clicky Clicky –>> http://amzn.to/1wKcVK6

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

——- Daniel is doing a free promotion now and through the 12th for his book, The Water Travelers. Get it now at amazon, just click the cover image or click the link on the title below.

Glenn Hates Books

0w0

4 of 5 Cool and Refreshing Stars – The Water Travelers by Daniel Waltz.

I didn’t expect to like this book. It’s fantasy, and I’ve never been a big fan of that kind of fiction. Often times, I just find it silly. Childish, if you will. But this book was not silly, or childish. It was actually quite a refreshing read.

It’s the story of The Water Travelers, people who can travel from one planet to another through water portals. Pretty much any body of water that is deep enough to submerge in, can be used for a portal to another world. As the story begins, our hero Aaron, the prince to the Kingdom of Upitar, loses his brother, due to a mis-travel in the water. When someone mis-travels, they are assumed dead, gone to an otherworldly place, like heaven, which they call The Reverse.

Years later, Aaron is sent on…

View original post 352 more words

0pod

1 of 5 Stupid-Little-Cunt Stars – Podkayne of Mars by Robert A. Heinlein.

I hate this book so much. It’s absolutely fucking retarded. Which is kind of strange, considering the story is about a couple of genius teenagers. But I guess even genius teenagers have to go on and on about stupid shit all the time.

This book is the first person journal of the 15-year-old Podkayne, or ‘Pod’, or as I like to call her ‘Stupid Little Cunt’. She lives on Mars, but yearns to explore the galaxy. She pines for the stars constantly. And when her parents won’t let her go on a voyage to Earth, she cries like a little girl and goes on and on about how her stupid life sucks. Awww. Shut the fuck up, you stupid teenage whore.

But she gets lucky, and her uncle Tom takes her and her brother on a VIP trip around the galaxy in a luxury liner. Oh goodie! I finally get to see the galaxy and find even more things to bitch and moan about! Sweet!

While they are getting on the luxury liner, Pod’s sarcastic genius brother tells the check-in agent that he’s got a couple kilos of ‘happy dust’, which in their world, is pretty much heroin. He doesn’t really have any happy dust, he’s just being a stupid fucking jackass. So of course, he’s taken away and searched. Getting his asshole probed and tongued, as you do.

But this was all part of his evil plan. You see, some fanatics paid him a shit-ton of money to smuggle a bomb onboard the ship. So, while Clark is being searched, Pod gets through the gate just fine, with the bomb secretly hidden in her luggage. Without her knowing, of course.

When they get onboard, Clark explained his evil plan. “Oh that,” he explains. “That’s a nuclear bomb. But don’t worry. I took it apart. You never know when you’ll need a nuclear bomb.”

What? Seriously? Just get rid of the fucking thing. Damn. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? Two teenagers with a nuclear bomb. Yeah, everything is going to be just fine. Sure.

Then, the teenagers get kidnapped. Because uncle Tom is actually some huge Mars political figure, and he’s about to give a speech at some bullshit conference. So his enemies use the teenagers as leverage to get the racist Tom to do their evil bidding at the summit.

But not to worry. Clark had smuggled his nuclear bomb into his cell somehow. Apparently he has a very accommodating anus. So he assembles his bomb, and blows up everyone, including his sister, Pod. But saves himself, of course. Fucking asshole.

My wife recommended this book to me. I decided that I wanted to read some Heinlein, and she said that I’d definately love this book. Fucking bullshit. I hated this book so much. From the very beginning. Just a whiney ass bitch going on and on about stupid teenage horseshit. Like I fucking care.

But I pushed on. I continued reading it, just in hopes that there would be a glimmer of Heinlein genius buried deep in this fucking book. But there wasn’t. Heinlein was a great writer, but his talents were completely wasted on this stupid book.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s almost as bad as AXE body spray, because it drives women bat-shit crazy. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook