Twilight – needs moar blood

Posted: July 12, 2015 in 1 Star Reviews, Fantasy, Fiction
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

0twi

1 of 5 Stupid-Ass-Girly Stars – Twilight by Stephenie Meyer.

I fucking hate Mary-Sue stories. And this is a classic example of a Mary-Sue, where the author puts themselves in the book as some fucking damsel in distress. She gets saved by some hot young hunk, and they get married and have a bunch of fucking babies. Classic Mary-Sue. And I fucking hate it so much.

But I don’t really hate this book because it’s a Mary-Sue. I hate it because it’s fucking stupid. A friend of mine recommended this book to me. Said I just had to read it, because it’s so amazing. I’ve since strangled that bastard and buried him in my backyard. With his bare ass poking out of the ground, so anyone can just wander by and fuck him. Because that’s what he deserves for recommending this fucking book.

Fifty Shades of Grey, which is fanfic of this book is 9000 times better than Twilight. Seriously. I’m not saying that Fifty is written better. Because it certainly isn’t. But it’s a better story that actually makes a tiny bit of sense. But sparkling vegan vampires? Seriously? Go fuck yourself, Stephenie Meyer.

The Mary-Sue in this book is Bella. A plain, boring, pathetic teenage girl, who just moved to a small town in bum-fuck nowhere. Way the fuck out in the woods, in Washington state. Reading about all her bullshit teenage angst just made me want to puke. Or punch her in the face. Because shut the fuck up, already. Stop whining, you stupid cunt. Yeah, life sucks. Welcome to your teenage years. Get over it.

She goes to her new school, and meets the most handsome guy in the world. Seriously, that’s how he’s described. “The most handsome guy in the world.” Yeah, right. This is yet another reason why I fucking hate Mary-Sue stories. Because he’s always the most handsome guy. And she’s always plain and boring. And handsome guy always wants her anyway. Why, goddamnit? Give me a fucking reason, besides this being a Mary-Sue. Just one fucking reason why Edward wants anything to do with plain old Bella.

Okay, so maybe there’s ONE reason. But still, it’s not a very good reason. He can’t read her mind. He can read everyone else’s mind, but he can’t read hers. So, she intrigues him. This actually makes sense to me. But he still shouldn’t be attracted to her. Curious, yes. Attracted, no. If he was a real vampire, he’d just take her out in the woods and rip her fucking head off. Because you can’t have bitches running around with control over you. Fuck that. That bitch has got to die.

But no. Edward can’t do that. Because he’s a fucking vegan vampire, or something. His family doesn’t eat humans. Or even kill them for sport. Where’s the fun in that? What the fuck is the point of being a goddamn vampire if you’re not killing humans for fun and profit? It’s so fucking retarded. Apparently, his family just hunt animals and shit. Like fucking bums.

It’s no wonder that the rest of the vampire community wants to kill Edward and his family. Because they’re just not normal vampires. They’re tainting the goddamn bloodline. You don’t want the rest of the vampires to start acting gay and going all vegan and shit. That would ruin the whole vampire reputation. I mean, hot bitches don’t really go for the gay-ass vegans. They go for blood-sucking, hardcore vampires.

And don’t get me started on the whole sparkly vampire shit. Vampires should fucking die in the sunlight. Period. Okay, there’s one exception. Blade. Because he’s a hybrid. I can buy that. It makes a tiny bit of sense. But just sparkling in sunlight and not bursting into flames? That’s bullshit, man.

As if there wasn’t enough fucking Mary-Sue horseshit in this story, another hot guy wants Bella for himself. A shape-shifter doggie. And seriously, he’s hotter than gay-boy Edward. And he’s really better for Bella. Because he’s not a blood-sucking monster. And he’s actually kind of manly. He fixes and rides motorcycles and shit, man. This guy is cool.

He really makes so much more sense as a boyfriend for Bella. But dammit, she’s gonna do what she wants. Because she’s a stupid fucking teenager. She doesn’t give a fuck who’s better for her. All she cares about is doing the wrong thing, because that’s what teenagers do. And Edward is so good-looking. Even though he’s evil. But, that makes him dangerous. And dangerous is sexy.

Maybe if the sexy wolf boy, Jacob, had been more dangerous, he might have had a chance. He should have kicked the shit out of Edward, and called it a day. But apparently, Jacob is kind of a pussy, even though he’s macho and manly. Because he doesn’t start shit. He just pines for Bella like a goddamn girly-boy and doesn’t do a fucking thing about it.

I know this book is popular as fuck, but I have no idea why. It’s very hard to read, because it’s filled with so much teenage emotion and angst and fucking girly shit. I guess I can understand why girls would read it. Because girls are fucking stupid. But why, oh why, would a guy read this and recommend it to me? I just don’t get it. Just for that I’m going to go out in the backyard and fuck his ass. Shuddup. It’s not gay if he’s dead.

****

GLEE RUINED MY LIFE! Because I thought I was gay, but then I watched that show. Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s fucking hilarious.

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Comments
  1. Leona says:

    ROFL this is the most hilarious Twilight review I’ve read. I never read the book, I was dragged to the movies and hated them. The wolf pack and the Native American stuff was cool, the doctor guy was kind of cool but that’s about it.

    I will make sure to send you and ARC when my book is out, no Mary Sues there and no teenage drama. It’s like the Game of Thrones but without the mass murder of the characters. You might even like it!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. gegrizzle says:

    I didn’t mind the movies so much. They were better than the books, but not by much. I’d probably give the movies 2 stars. But these books really do suck donkey balls.

    I look forward to reading your book, once it’s ready. 🙂

    Like

  3. awww, Stephenie just wants to be rescued. : P

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh my god, I’m dying! 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 this is the best fucking review I’ve read of this book. hands down.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Michael says:

    So, it seems maybe you didn’t like the book then….

    Liked by 1 person

  6. gegrizzle says:

    Yes, it’s entirely possible that I did not, in fact, like this book. It’s fucking horrible, is what it is. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Which is why my friend had to die such a horrible death for recommending it to me.

    Like

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