Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits – needs to burn

2 of 5 Skull-Fucked Stars – Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits by David Wong

This book pisses me off so much. Because, I absolutely loved David Wong’s other novels. But this one is utter horse shit. Well, that’s not entirely true. I mean, it’s a decent short story. It would fit well into 100 pages or so. But no. He had to fucking sell out and stretch it the fuck out to nearly 400 goddamn pages. Motherfucker.

It’s like, after his last book hit the bestseller list, his publisher asked, “So, you got any other stories laying around that you could turn into a novel right quick?” and Wong said, “Well I got this short story…” and the publisher is all like, “Well, fuck it. Stretch that bitch out, and we’ll publish it, and make a bajillion dollars, man.” To which, Wong said, of course, “Fuck yea, man. I’m on it.”

The story is about some stupid white-trash cunt who, of course, lives in a fucking trailer park, with her white-trash whore of a mom. Why the fuck you would want to write a story about this stupid cunt is beyond me. It’s fucking stupid. Anyway, some strange hitman, with metal jaws, like real-life bionic jaws, that can eat through a motherfucking car, he comes after this stupid girl, because reasons.

Well, there is actually a reason. Apparently, some wealthy gangster dude was her long-lost dad that she didn’t know even existed. And he left her his fortune, and mansion, and like tons of shit. So the rival gangsters put a hit out on this stupid girl. As you do. And so the rampage is on. Until her dad’s gangsters catch wind of this plot, and set out to help the poor girl.

See? It’s a decent short story. But here comes the retarded stretch-out part that makes the story fucking pointless. You see, the rival gangs have been making these bionic hentchmen with dear ol’ dad’s magic bionic formula. However, it’s flawed, or something. Like the henchmen just randomly explode for some reason. But there’s a solution to this problem. Dad left the solution to his long-lost white-trash daughter. And so now, all the gangsters in the world are after the poor white-trash slut.

That’s it. 400 goddamn pages of the gangsters trying to get this program. It’s pretty much the same story over and over again every chapter. The gangsters ransome shit. And the girl’s gangsters fix it. Over and over and over. Maybe they storm her new mansion. Big deal. Her henchmen fix that shit too. So, really, there’s no conflict. Because everything turns out fine, over and over and over. Whoopotie-fucking-doo.

I wish I could give this book 1 star, but I can’t. Because it’s an alright story. If it was 100 pages or so. And as I said, I really love Wong’s other work. He just sold out for this one, for whatever reason. I can’t fault a guy for trying to make a buck. I just hope that he goes back to what he does best. Bat-shit-crazy stories that don’t make any sense whatsoever. That’s the problem with this book. It makes perfect sense. It has an actual plot. Who want’s that shit? I sure don’t.

First Night – is a terror-filled night

4 of 5 Kids-With-Guns Stars – The Oneiro Rangers in First Night by Erwin Blackthorn

This is a great story, if you start reading it on page 14. Seriously, the first 14 pages are complete horse shit. And it really pisses me off, considering that the whole book is only 70 goddamn pages. So that’s 20% of the book completely wasted. Motherfucker. What a great way to get readers to throw this fucking thing in the trash from the very beginning, you fucking idiot of an author.

That being said, if you skip those first 14 pages, this is a very good story. I quite enjoyed it. It’s about a bunch of kids attending an academy to train them to become Oneiro Rangers. Or wizards. Or something. Because it really reminded me of the Harry Potter books. With Dementors, a sorting machine, and even a Professor Snape for fuck’s sake.

The story follows a few kids who survived an attack by a Nightterror (aka Dementor), which kidnapped the entire school. Only these few kids remain, along with their Professor Snape to guide them. Oh, and some mysterious Doctor who I can only assume is Professor Dumbledore, because he explains the whole mess to the kids and gives them the tools to defeat the Dementors.

It really is a great story, despite the fact that the cover looks like it was designed by a retarded 1st grader. I man, come on. The graphic is okay, but the text just looks… I dunno. Stupid, I guess. Amateur. But, whatever… It’s still a great story, and I would highly recommend it. As long as you skip the first boring, useless, 14 pages.