Archive for the ‘1 Star Reviews’ Category

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1 of 5 Human-Fuck-Toy Stars – The Automation by some stupid pen name. And edited by some asshole who constantly breaks the fourth wall and comments on this stupid fucking story. Explaining just how stupid it really is.

I did not finish this book. I just couldn’t. It was that bad. I read the first few chapters, hoping for something great, because the premise of the book intrigued me. But the chapters I read were so bloody disappointing, that I had to just skip to the last chapter, and find out if any of this book was really worth reading. Turns out that it wasn’t. It wasn’t even worth skimming the rest of it to see if there was any nugget of goodness in it. Because I knew for certain that the author was just too goddamn stupid to write anything remotely satisfying.

I mean, it was like this book was written by a goddamn teenager, or something. Because all the dialog in this book is about who is fucking who. Or who likes who. Or damn, The Who sure is a good band, or something. I don’t fucking know. It’s just teenage garbage. But it’s not the usual teenage garbage, you see. No, this is garbage that is pretending to be interesting. But trust me, it’s not interesting at all.

Of course, I felt the same way about the Twilight books, but at lest they had some form of substance. Not much, mind you. But at least it was something. This book… All the dialog is just so fucking pointless. And the characters all talk and act the same. It’s like the author never figured out how to actually write distinct characters. He (or she) just wrote dialog of him talking to himself (or herself, or itself, or whatever). Where’s the fun in that? I mean, yes in effect, all authors are writing dialog of themselves talking to themselves, because they really are every character in the book. It’s called imagination. Look it up.

But no. Not this cunt (or dick). No, this jackass just said fuck it, and literally talked to themselves throughout this whole book, without ever thinking of actually making any interesting or unique characters. No imagination whatsoever.

Oh wait. That’s not true. The premise of this book is actually quite interesting. Certainly more interesting than the goddamn book, that’s for sure. It’s about humanoid robots. And the gods who made them. And the masters of the robots. And arguments about who’s going to have sex with the robots first. Because what else are humanoid robots good for, really? You can only tell them to make you a fucking sammich so many times before you want to bend them over the coffee table and fuck their brains out. I know these things. The toaster gave me a dirty look one time, and I showed that toaster who’s boss. Right in its dirty little toaster asshole.

But a good premise does not make for a good book in this case. It’s just false promises, and broken dreams. The premise of this book is like the trailer for that stupid fucking Fantastic 4 movie. It looks oh so polished. So much action and intrigue. I’ve got to see that fucking movie. Then they fuck you in the drive-through. Because you go and watch that movie, and it’s total fucking horseshit.

So don’t fall for the sexy robot premise. Sure, it seems like a good idea at the time, but in the end, you’ll just get your dick toasted. And nobody wants that. Trust me, I know.

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1 of 5 Totally-Useless Stars – The Cauldron by Anthony Morgan-Clark

This book was fucking stupid. And pointless. And frankly, a waste of my fucking time. But it’s not even a book, really. It’s a short story. And the format that I was given to review was jam packed with shit-tons of promotional material for the author’s other books. So really, only 50% of it was this story. And the first 90% of the actual story was total garbage. So really, there’s only a 3 page story in this “book”. Fucking pathetic.

The story revolves around some stupid teenage cunt living in England, or something. I only say England, because it uses terms from that area. Could be any part of Europe, really. But anyway, this stupid cunt is chatting online with some pervs, and she agrees to meet up with them.

As I said, the first 90% or so was a complete waste, because nothing really happens. She gets stood up by the pervs. She chats with her parents. She argues with her friends. She chats with her parents some more… Who gives a bloody fuck, man? It’s fucking pointless.

And then, after the first huge chunk of useless pages, we finally get to a point when this stupid cunt does meet up with the pervy punks. Some dude and his girlfriend. They basically abduct the stupid cunt, and take her to some rave, or something. And kill her, for no apparent reason. Because that’s what pervs do, I guess.

And this is where I get a bit confused. Because it’s said that this stupid cunt is now a corpse in the back of these perv’s car. Okay, fine. Then she wakes up some time later, and enters this rave. A huge party with a bunch of strange people. And she sees the pervs that killed her and she doesn’t go “Hey, fuckers. What for you strangle me in your car, man?”

So what’s the deal? Did she wake up in some alternate reality? Did they just drug her with something? Did they take her in the rave and just zap her alive, or something? Or is this some fucking zombie rave? I have no fucking idea. And I don’t really care. Because it really is just a 3 page story, given that the rest of it was such total shit. This part was only slightly interesting, because it didn’t make any fucking sense. And that’s not necessarily a good thing.

I believe this story is part of a series, and I almost want to read the next story, because it may have a bit more meat on its bones than this one. And it may even explain some of the weirdness that’s going on in this story. So I can’t say that this story is a complete waste, because it really is just setting up the rest of the series. But damn. On its own, it really is a complete waste of space and time.

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1 of 5 Stupid-Ass-Girly Stars – Twilight by Stephenie Meyer.

I fucking hate Mary-Sue stories. And this is a classic example of a Mary-Sue, where the author puts themselves in the book as some fucking damsel in distress. She gets saved by some hot young hunk, and they get married and have a bunch of fucking babies. Classic Mary-Sue. And I fucking hate it so much.

But I don’t really hate this book because it’s a Mary-Sue. I hate it because it’s fucking stupid. A friend of mine recommended this book to me. Said I just had to read it, because it’s so amazing. I’ve since strangled that bastard and buried him in my backyard. With his bare ass poking out of the ground, so anyone can just wander by and fuck him. Because that’s what he deserves for recommending this fucking book.

Fifty Shades of Grey, which is fanfic of this book is 9000 times better than Twilight. Seriously. I’m not saying that Fifty is written better. Because it certainly isn’t. But it’s a better story that actually makes a tiny bit of sense. But sparkling vegan vampires? Seriously? Go fuck yourself, Stephenie Meyer.

The Mary-Sue in this book is Bella. A plain, boring, pathetic teenage girl, who just moved to a small town in bum-fuck nowhere. Way the fuck out in the woods, in Washington state. Reading about all her bullshit teenage angst just made me want to puke. Or punch her in the face. Because shut the fuck up, already. Stop whining, you stupid cunt. Yeah, life sucks. Welcome to your teenage years. Get over it.

She goes to her new school, and meets the most handsome guy in the world. Seriously, that’s how he’s described. “The most handsome guy in the world.” Yeah, right. This is yet another reason why I fucking hate Mary-Sue stories. Because he’s always the most handsome guy. And she’s always plain and boring. And handsome guy always wants her anyway. Why, goddamnit? Give me a fucking reason, besides this being a Mary-Sue. Just one fucking reason why Edward wants anything to do with plain old Bella.

Okay, so maybe there’s ONE reason. But still, it’s not a very good reason. He can’t read her mind. He can read everyone else’s mind, but he can’t read hers. So, she intrigues him. This actually makes sense to me. But he still shouldn’t be attracted to her. Curious, yes. Attracted, no. If he was a real vampire, he’d just take her out in the woods and rip her fucking head off. Because you can’t have bitches running around with control over you. Fuck that. That bitch has got to die.

But no. Edward can’t do that. Because he’s a fucking vegan vampire, or something. His family doesn’t eat humans. Or even kill them for sport. Where’s the fun in that? What the fuck is the point of being a goddamn vampire if you’re not killing humans for fun and profit? It’s so fucking retarded. Apparently, his family just hunt animals and shit. Like fucking bums.

It’s no wonder that the rest of the vampire community wants to kill Edward and his family. Because they’re just not normal vampires. They’re tainting the goddamn bloodline. You don’t want the rest of the vampires to start acting gay and going all vegan and shit. That would ruin the whole vampire reputation. I mean, hot bitches don’t really go for the gay-ass vegans. They go for blood-sucking, hardcore vampires.

And don’t get me started on the whole sparkly vampire shit. Vampires should fucking die in the sunlight. Period. Okay, there’s one exception. Blade. Because he’s a hybrid. I can buy that. It makes a tiny bit of sense. But just sparkling in sunlight and not bursting into flames? That’s bullshit, man.

As if there wasn’t enough fucking Mary-Sue horseshit in this story, another hot guy wants Bella for himself. A shape-shifter doggie. And seriously, he’s hotter than gay-boy Edward. And he’s really better for Bella. Because he’s not a blood-sucking monster. And he’s actually kind of manly. He fixes and rides motorcycles and shit, man. This guy is cool.

He really makes so much more sense as a boyfriend for Bella. But dammit, she’s gonna do what she wants. Because she’s a stupid fucking teenager. She doesn’t give a fuck who’s better for her. All she cares about is doing the wrong thing, because that’s what teenagers do. And Edward is so good-looking. Even though he’s evil. But, that makes him dangerous. And dangerous is sexy.

Maybe if the sexy wolf boy, Jacob, had been more dangerous, he might have had a chance. He should have kicked the shit out of Edward, and called it a day. But apparently, Jacob is kind of a pussy, even though he’s macho and manly. Because he doesn’t start shit. He just pines for Bella like a goddamn girly-boy and doesn’t do a fucking thing about it.

I know this book is popular as fuck, but I have no idea why. It’s very hard to read, because it’s filled with so much teenage emotion and angst and fucking girly shit. I guess I can understand why girls would read it. Because girls are fucking stupid. But why, oh why, would a guy read this and recommend it to me? I just don’t get it. Just for that I’m going to go out in the backyard and fuck his ass. Shuddup. It’s not gay if he’s dead.

****

GLEE RUINED MY LIFE! Because I thought I was gay, but then I watched that show. Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s fucking hilarious.

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1 of 5 Stupid-Little-Cunt Stars – Podkayne of Mars by Robert A. Heinlein.

I hate this book so much. It’s absolutely fucking retarded. Which is kind of strange, considering the story is about a couple of genius teenagers. But I guess even genius teenagers have to go on and on about stupid shit all the time.

This book is the first person journal of the 15-year-old Podkayne, or ‘Pod’, or as I like to call her ‘Stupid Little Cunt’. She lives on Mars, but yearns to explore the galaxy. She pines for the stars constantly. And when her parents won’t let her go on a voyage to Earth, she cries like a little girl and goes on and on about how her stupid life sucks. Awww. Shut the fuck up, you stupid teenage whore.

But she gets lucky, and her uncle Tom takes her and her brother on a VIP trip around the galaxy in a luxury liner. Oh goodie! I finally get to see the galaxy and find even more things to bitch and moan about! Sweet!

While they are getting on the luxury liner, Pod’s sarcastic genius brother tells the check-in agent that he’s got a couple kilos of ‘happy dust’, which in their world, is pretty much heroin. He doesn’t really have any happy dust, he’s just being a stupid fucking jackass. So of course, he’s taken away and searched. Getting his asshole probed and tongued, as you do.

But this was all part of his evil plan. You see, some fanatics paid him a shit-ton of money to smuggle a bomb onboard the ship. So, while Clark is being searched, Pod gets through the gate just fine, with the bomb secretly hidden in her luggage. Without her knowing, of course.

When they get onboard, Clark explained his evil plan. “Oh that,” he explains. “That’s a nuclear bomb. But don’t worry. I took it apart. You never know when you’ll need a nuclear bomb.”

What? Seriously? Just get rid of the fucking thing. Damn. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? Two teenagers with a nuclear bomb. Yeah, everything is going to be just fine. Sure.

Then, the teenagers get kidnapped. Because uncle Tom is actually some huge Mars political figure, and he’s about to give a speech at some bullshit conference. So his enemies use the teenagers as leverage to get the racist Tom to do their evil bidding at the summit.

But not to worry. Clark had smuggled his nuclear bomb into his cell somehow. Apparently he has a very accommodating anus. So he assembles his bomb, and blows up everyone, including his sister, Pod. But saves himself, of course. Fucking asshole.

My wife recommended this book to me. I decided that I wanted to read some Heinlein, and she said that I’d definately love this book. Fucking bullshit. I hated this book so much. From the very beginning. Just a whiney ass bitch going on and on about stupid teenage horseshit. Like I fucking care.

But I pushed on. I continued reading it, just in hopes that there would be a glimmer of Heinlein genius buried deep in this fucking book. But there wasn’t. Heinlein was a great writer, but his talents were completely wasted on this stupid book.

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1 of 5 MILF-Fucker Stars – The Wayward Soul by George Flores.

I really hated this book. The first half of it was complete shit. The second half was slightly less stinky shit, but shit nonetheless. Because the story is stupid and pointless. So you got problems at school. Problems at home. Big fucking deal. Welcome to the teenage years, dumbass.

This story is about a young man who’s getting tired of high school. And tired of his naggy parents. So he says ‘fuck it’ and hoofs it out of town. He gets lost as fuck and is rescued by a thirty-something hot woman. He wakes up at her farm. In her bed. Knee-deep in MILF pussy.

Okay, great. Now what? There’s no fucking conflict. They just have breakfast, watch TV, chat about the fucking weather. Who the fuck cares, man? Life is so fucking wonderful. Oh goodie. I’m bored as fuck, man. Shoot something. Rape somebody. Punch someone in the fucking face, or something, goddamnit.

This is the real problem with this book. It’s just shiny happy fun time for two hundred pages or so. No conflict whatsoever. And there’s not even any graphic sex. They just do it. And she comes. Whooptie-freaking-doo. Like I care. I’d probably be happier if she didn’t come, and they had some huge argument about it. But no. It’s just sex and breakfast and oh what’s on TV, and oh look at the pretty flowers.

Goddamnit to hell. What is the goddamn point of this fucking story? To bore me to tears? Because that’s what it did. It certainly didn’t make me want to keep reading it. Because there was no forthcoming conflict. Nothing whatsoever in the horizon that would suggest that this story might get interesting. And it didn’t.

The MILF finally did kick the kid to the curb, because her old boyfriend came crawling back. Oh noes. The young guy has to go back to his horrible parents. But they’re really not horrible at all. They’re quite understanding, actually.

So even in the end, there’s no conflict. No, “Where the fuck have you been, boy? Yer gonna get a whoopin’ that’s for sure!” There’s none of that. Because that would be conflict, and we can’t have that, can we? That’d actually make the book worth reading. No, we can’t have that. Fuck this book.

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1 of 5 Get-Vampire-Zombie-Raped Stars – I Am Legend by Richard Matheson.

I hated this book so much. It’s pure drivel. Well, 90% of it was drivel, the last 10% was actually pretty damn cool. But I expected the whole book to be like the last 10%, full of monsters and zombies.

But no. The first 90% was full of useless horsehshit. It’s just about this guy living in an empty city. Wandering around, going on about how much his life sucks so much ass. Oh how I wish I could find someone… Please, someone answer my call.

Shut the fuck up and kill some zombies already, man. I don’t fucking care about what you had for breakfast. I don’t care about how you’re a goddamn shut-in, who rarely leaves his fucking house. Go outside, for fuck’s sake. Give me some goddamn action. Damn.

In the last 10%, he finally meets some people. They rape him in his dirty asshole, like he deserves. Because, fuck this guy. He’s just a useless fuck. I hate him so much, I want to kill him myself.

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1 of 5 Kindle-Shredder Stars – The Year of Dan Palace by Chris Jane

This book is fucking horrible. It’s just a story about one sad, pathetic man. And his sad, pathetic life. Why would anyone want to read about that? Hell, why would anyone want to write about that? Fuck if I know. All I know is, it’s boring as fuck.

There’s this guy, Dan Palace. His wife hates him. His cat hates him. Everybody hates him. He’s a useless fuck. So, he gets a divorce. Bangs a whore or two. Goes to Vegas and blows all his cash at the craps table.

This doesn’t sound like fiction to me. It sounds like something that actually happened. Maybe that means that the writing was that good. But, I don’t think that’s what it means. I think it’s just bad fiction. If this is the extent of the author’s imagination, it’s fucking pathetic.

Dan finds yet another whore, and drags her off to the country to live the country life. To chop wood. To listen to the birdies chirp. To drop a little something into the whore’s drink. And rape her silly, like you do.

I don’t fucking care. The story is so stupid and pointless, it was drudgery to finish it. But I pushed on, like a snow plow, hoping against all hope that there’s a nugget of goodness in this novel. But there wasn’t. Not one goddamn nugget. It’s all just pure drivel.

If this was an actual book, and not a Kindle book, I would have torn each page out, and put it through the shredder. Just so nobody else would accidentally read it. It’s that bad.

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