Archive for the ‘1 Star Reviews’ Category

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1 of 5 Fucking-Bullshit Stars – Bimbos of the Death Sun by Sharyn McCrumb.

I read this book, hoping for bimbos. Because, goddamnit, there’s fucking bimbos right there in the goddamn title. So, you’d think there would be plenty of skanky-ass bimbos in this book. But no.

Don’t get your hopes up. There are absolutely NO bimbos in this fucking book. Not one. I mean, unless you count geeky fangirls as bimbos, which I certainly don’t.

I mean, come on… We all know what bimbos are. They’re hot, big-breasted women, who are dumber than a box of rocks. If they’re smart, they’re not bimbos. If they got itty-bitty titties, they’re not bimbos, goddamnit.

More to the point, this book isn’t even ABOUT bimbos. Or even a motherfucking ‘Death Sun’, for that matter. It’s a goddamn murder mystery. Set in and around a fucking comic con.

It seemed like this book was just an excuse for the author to make fun of sci-fi and fantasy fans. Because that’s really what this book is. It’s about how fucking pathetic those fans are, sitting in their mom’s basement, eating cheetos, and getting fatter by the minute.

Of course it doesn’t just make fun of the fat-ass guys, it also makes fun of the fangirls who write pathetic fan fiction, and would do anything to just be seen with an author. I mean, anything.

Come on, man. Don’t bash those poor girls. The world needs fangirls who just happen to be total sluts. Without them groupies, what’s the point in writing fantasy and sci-fi? To get rich? Please. Those books don’t sell.

Maybe that’s why this skank author decided to write this book. Because she was sick and tired of watching her fellow authors get panties thrown in their faces. Awww, you poor dear. Eat a bag of dicks, you stupid cunt.

This author needs a good deep-dicking. So, to all you dirty dogs out there… The next time you’re at a comic con, wipe those cheeto crumbs off your shirt and throw that nasty never-been-washed jock strap in this bitch’s face. Maybe you’ll get lucky.

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1 of 5 Metaphorically-Speaking Stars – The Wasp Factory by Iain Banks.

I hate this book so much. I’ve tried finishing it like 5 times now. I just can’t do it. It’s just sooooooo bad. And it makes me feel stupid, like I’m missing something. Something profound. But I really doubt it. I’m still convinced that it’s just a horrible book.

This book has got to be some kind of fucked up metaphor. But I’m just too damn stupid to understand it. It’s written from the point of view of some stupid kid. About 10 or so, from what I can tell. He blathers on endlessly about bullshit. His life sucks. He doesn’t have any friends. Bla bla bla… Who the fuck cares? I know I don’t, that’s for sure.

Eventually, he gets on about being a killer. A murderer. Or something. I’m not quite sure. He kills rabbits, and a deer, and then goes on about that time he killed some kid. Or something. I really don’t know because it was so fucking boring I nearly fell asleep reading it.

Even after the so-called killing started, it was boring as shit. So, fuck this kid in his dirty asshole. I really hope he did get raped or something. Unfortunately, I don’t know if he got raped, because I stopped reading about halfway through. I had to stop. Because, fuck this goddamn book. Oh, and fuck Iain Banks in his asshole too, because everyone fucking loves him for some goddamn reason. Especially those dirty cunts in the UK.

Hell, the only reason I picked this book, and actually tried to read it, was because I was chatting with some UK chick, while playing backgammon online. She (oh who am I kidding… ‘She’ was probably a dude. lolz) kept gushing about this jackass Banks. Said I just had to pick up one of his books. “He’s brilliant!” she assured me. Fucking bullshit.

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monsters

1 of 5 Totally-Visible Stars – Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk.

This book is not about invisible monsters. If you look under your bed at night, looking for monsters, you will not find anything that is contained in this book. Because there’s not one single monster in this goddamn book.

It’s about stupid, vapid bimbos. Silly-ass cunts that may end up killing each other one day. Because their hair isn’t just so, or because they chipped a fucking nail. Whatever. It’s fucking stupid.

Okay, sure. People can be monsters. I know this, okay? But, goddamnit. Give me a real fucking people monster, at least. Damn. These bitches are not monsters, they’re just stupid spoiled whores.

So, fuck Chucky boy in his stupid dirty asshole. Because, I know he can write about monsters. I know he’s a sick fuck and he writes about fucked up things. Oh, and fuck those stupid spoiled cunts in their asshole too. Because they’re bad, and they should feel bad.

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1 of 5 Dreadful Stars – Beneath The Surface Lies by Colin Hudson.

I don’t like romance novels. In fact, I hate them with a passion. But, when the author of this book emailed me a copy, he didn’t include a description. So, my poor, unassuming brain was thrust upon this abomination, without warning.

That being said, this book is a complete fucking waste of time. It’s some bullshit tropical romance novel. This couple goes scuba diving, only to find a corpse of someone they just met at their hotel the day before. Oh noes! That’s totally gonna ruin their beautiful vacation.

The story is poorly written. It’s shallow and pointless. The characters are as cardboard as they come. And, for a romance novel, there isn’t even any graphic sex scenes. What the fuck, man? Come on, now. That’s all people read this shit for.

It pisses me off that I spent a couple house reading this. I want my time back, goddamnit. I mean, my brain actually hurts, after reading this shit. I think I may have killed some brain cells with this one. And I have so few brain cells as it is, losing just one can be catastrophic.

So fuck Colin Hodson in his dirty hack asshole for writing this worthless excuse for a romance novel. Because I couldn’t even jack off to this garbage. Trust me, I tried.

I received a free Advance Reader Copy of this book for an honest review. The book has not been published yet.

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kax

1 of 5 Go-Fuck-Yourself Stars – A Map of Kex’s Face by Robin Wyatt Dunn.

This book is amazing in its effort to suck donkey balls. I mean, it just doesn’t give up. It slathers them balls like you wouldn’t believe. What the fuck am I saying? I’m saying this book should be pissed on, then burned, then stomped on until your feet hurt.

Because, fuck this goddamn book. Like that scene in Office Space, when they take that piece of shit printer out to some park and just pound the shit out of it with a baseball bat. That’s how I feel about this book. I need to hurt it, real bad. I need it to feel the pain it inflicted on me.

This book is about some guy who kills his wife because she banged his alter ego Kex. Like some split-personality thing. Because the guy is fucking bat-shit insane. I think. Who the fuck knows. It doesn’t make any goddamn sense. Seriously. It’s like 2/3 of this book was written while tripping balls on acid, or something.

It literally makes no sense at all. Like the words are English, but they are arranged in such a way that it’s pure nonsense. Like this: If I ever then cat has now can you be table? What the fuck does that even mean?

In finishing this book, I had to endure so much trauma to my brain. It still hurts. If I ever meet someone named Kex, you can be sure that I will swiftly kick them in the balls and scream “That’s for A Map of Kex’s Face you goddamn cunt!”

So yea, for the love of all that is holy stay the fuck away from this book. It’s pure brain damage.

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safe

1 of 5 Unbearable Stars – The Safe by Daniel Barnett.

This book was way too fucking long. The story just didn’t merit the length. This should be a short story, at best. The author just filled this book full of filler. So much goddamn bullshit filler. So much small talk. How ’bout them Lakers? What’d you have for dinner last night? Who the fuck cares?

The story begins in an asylum for the criminally insane. Off to a good start, right? Not so much. I’ve visited these types of places, and I can say from experience that there is never a dull moment in a fucking insane asylum. But with this book, there are always dull moments. The whole fucking book is one long dull moment.

So, this book is total bullshit. There weren’t even any cool gang rape scenes. I mean, come on. That’s a staple of prison life for fuck’s sake. Okay, there were a few times when someone was about to whip out their dick and make some guy suck on it, but then they were like oh, nevermind.

So, this book was frustrating as hell to get through. There were really no plot devices or characters that really made me care enough to make me want to finish this book. But I did finish it, and I can say that in the end, it definitely was not worth the time and drudgery.

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testing    Free with Kindle Unlimited at Amazon

1 of 5 Absolutely-Fucking-Terrible Stars – The Testing by Joelle Charbonneau.

Not only is this a complete rip-off of the Divergent series, but it’s not even an interesting rip-off. It’s boring as fuck. Nothing happens. Some kids take some tests. Some pass, some fail. Whooptie-freaking-doo.

As I read this book, I kept waiting, page after page, for some goddamn conflict. There really wasn’t any real conflict. Unless you count the stress from taking really important tests as conflict, which I certainly don’t. The characters get along together, for the most part. There’s not even an interesting love story.

It’s like the author took all the boring parts of Divergent, and turned those into a book. I don’t give a fuck. Why can’t you take all the fun parts? Like learning to fight. Or getting sexy tattoos. Or doing things that actually require bravery. Naw… That might actually be a fun read.

But no. This stupid cunt Joelle had to write this garbage instead. So, fuck her in her stupid asshole. Because this book is bad, and she should fucking feel bad for it.

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kill-order

1 of 5 Miserable Stars – The Kill Order by James Dashner.

This book is not the story of Teresa and Thomas. It’s not their origin story. It doesn’t tell the tale I was hoping for, the tale of how and why they built the maze in The Maze Runner.

Instead, it’s a story of a completely different set of characters, and their journey to survive a virus outbreak. To find a cure, and to protect the immune. It’s not a particularly good story. In fact, its pretty damn boring.

But, at the beginning of the book, in the preface, it starts out with Teresa and Thomas, just minutes before Thomas gets put into the box, and sent up into the maze. So, I had high hopes.

And then chapter 1 starts 13 years earlier. 13 fucking years. In The Maze Runner they were only like 14-16 years old, so that means… Fuck! That means, if Teresa or Thomas are in this book at all, they’d be infants. Motherfucker.

I didn’t sign up for this. I wanted to read their story, goddamnit. I wanted to know why they built the maze. That’s the only real nagging question of the series. What the bloody fuck was the point of the goddamn maze? There isn’t one! It’s fucking bullshit.

So fuck you, James Dashner. Fuck you in your dirty hack asshole. Because this isn’t the story we wanted. This story is bullshit. Go ahead and eat a bag of dicks for getting my hopes up, and making me read this shit.

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1 of 5 Die-Bentley-Die Stars – The Influence by Bentley Little.

Bentley Little can go fuck himself. Seriously, this book pissed me off. 416 pages. About 350 pages of bullshit and maybe 66 pages of actual story. So, seriously, go fuck yourself, Bentley Little. I hate your stupid face.

I read this book because someone recommended it. In fact, they said that “Anything by Bentley Little is fucked up and scary as shit”. Now, I want to hunt down the motherfucker that wrote that recommendation and have him explain to me how the fuck this book qualifies as “fucked up and scary as shit”. Because, goddamnit, it’s not.

Okay, it is kind of fucked up, sure. I mean when you actually get to the story part, the 66 pages of story are very fucked up and kind of interesting. That’s the only reason I finished the book. But, goddamnit. Why do I have to wade through 350 pages of utter horseshit in order to get to an actual story?

The ‘story’ bit, when you actually find it, is about a bunch of stupid white-trash red-necks who shoot off their guns, while at some party, and just happen to shoot a demon, or angel, or something, out of the sky. They hide it in the barn, and try to ignore it. But, of course it’s not going to be ignored.

Even though the creature is supposedly dead, it begins to influence the town somehow. Weird things start to happen. All the livestock up and die. The fields turn red. And there’s weird butterflies everywhere.

So yes, there is an actual story in the book somewhere, and it’s actually pretty good, once you get through the 350 pages of garbage. But, seriously, fuck Bentley Little in his stupid hack asshole.

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