Archive for the ‘2 Star Reviews’ Category


2 of 5 Space-Dildo Stars – 2147 by SDZ Whitaker.

Can you imagine the Earth with 15 billion motherfuckers on it? I can’t. That’s too many goddamn people. Just imagine all those fuckers arguing all the time. It would be hell on Earth. There’s no way our population would get that much out of control. At some point, Al Gore, or some other green nutjob would have dropped a bomb and wiped out at least 1/4 of that population. Just sayin’.

This book is about one such population problem. The solution, of course, is to find some way to populate some other planets. To spread our herpes to the rest of the galaxy, and hope for the best. So some scientist guy designs a faster than light drive, and our world is about to be saved…

But then the aliens came. They came all over the place. On their TV screens. On the walls. On the cat. Because, apparently, unbeknownst to us, the Earth is really one big reality TV show. You know, like that one South Park episode.

Oh, and aliens have been living on the Earth for hundreds of years, just waiting for the right time to strike. Jacking off constantly to their live-streaming Earth porn. But hey man, you can only jack off so many times, before you have to venture outside and wreak some havoc.

And then comes the politics. Fuck politics, man. I fucking hate politics. It ruins so many stories, it just pisses me off so much. Seriously. I mean, wouldn’t The Hunger Games be about 9 billion times better without all the goddamn political horseshit? Damn right, it would.

Like 90% of this goddamn book is politics. The Earth’s government having meetings about what the fuck to do with these perverted aliens. The alien government having meetings to discuss their overwhelming shortage of lube. You know, the important issues of their time.

Then the book turns into Independence Day. Because the light-speed scientist can’t figure out how to build a good enough space ship that won’t just rip apart as soon as it hits light speed. But hey, he’s seen some movies, man. He knows what’s up.

So he steals one of the alien spaceships, and gets his hacker girlfriend to design a dildo-looking transmitter on the outside of their new-found ship, so they can hack into the alien mothership, just in case they got lost. Seriously. They hack into the mothership, not to save the world and all that happy horseshit, but to get maps. MAPS!?

Yeah, apparently they were like really really lost, and there was no fucking way the scientist dude was going to stop by a gas station and ask for directions. No, couldn’t do that. For one, there weren’t any gas stations floating out in space, and for another, his girlfriend would totally think he was a pussy if he stopped and asked some local hillbilly for directions. So, fuck that. Just hack the mothership. That makes sense.

With their sexy new maps, the scientist dude and his girlfriend slip through a wormhole in space, and are stopped by another alien spaceship on the other side of the wormhole. The humans almost inadvertently started an all-out galactic war, until one of the aliens recognized them.

Then the humans start their new careers as intergalactic porn stars. Because that’s the only way I can make this book sound interesting. Seriously, it’s not interesting at all. It’s boring as fuck, in fact. Too much politics, and not enough porn.

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2 of 5 Gone-Girl-On-A-Train Stars – The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins.

This book is just a goddamn soap opera. This chick banged that dude. That dude cheated with that whore. And OMG two chicks are doing it. Sweet.

But then comes the revenge. Everyone has to get revenge, right? Some guy finds out his wife is cheating, so he starts banging some other chick. But of course that chick is married too. So her husband goes out and bangs yet another chick. And so begins the endless cycle of revenge fucks.

This book is about an ugly fat bitch who rides the train every day, and sees people living their perfect lives, in their perfect little neighborhood. After a while, she gets tired of being a spectator, and inserts herself into the perfect people’s lives. She pretends to be the wife’s friend, or something.

Then some guy gets sick and tired of his cheating whore of a wife. That bitch just can’t see reason, man. She just won’t shut the fuck up. On and on with the nagging. So he bashes her head in with a rock, as you do. And then the fun begins…

After the head bashing, this book turns into a cheap rip-off of Gone Girl. Because the dude’s wife goes missing, and of course he’s their prime suspect. But wait, maybe she’s not missing at all. Maybe she’s just sick and tired of this sociopath asshole, and ran off, or something. Yeah, ya think? Maybe.

Then there’s some shit about someone’s unwanted baby that they buried at the beach. Because babies are fucking annoying. All that goddamn screaming! Shut up, you stupid cunt baby! I’m trying to jack it to some lezbo porn here, and you’re just ruining the mood.

In the end, I don’t understand why this book is so popular. They’ll probably make it into a goddamn movie, just like fucking Gone Girl. I don’t know why, because it’s pretty much the same goddamn story. Only with more cheating cunts and asshole husbands. Okay, wait… I might actually watch that.

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2 of 5 Crazy-Hippy Stars – In Search of Captain Beefheart by Opher Goodwin.

I think I’m too young for this book. Which is funny, because I’m 45 years old, for fuck’s sake. My hair and beard are full-on grey. I’m an old man, as far as I’m concerned. But this book makes me feel I’m a goddamn spring chicken. Because of the 60’s, man.

I fucking hate the 60’s. If the author of this book didn’t send me a copy, and request a review, I would have never read it. If I saw the cover in a book store, I would just keep on walking past. Because they’re hippies, man. Fucking hippies scare me.

This book is about music. From the 60’s, all the way to current music. It’s about being a goddamn groupie. A wanna-be. I would think that it would be easier to be a groupie if you were a hot chick. But the author of this book was up for a challenge. He threw his panties up on the stage, just like the rest of them groupies. That takes balls, man.

It’s the true story of how one groupie dude traveled the world to see all his heroes play great music. And I get that, man. I really do. I’ve just never been that interested in going to concerts. I mean, the music is on the fucking radio, man. Why do you need to go to a concert, and get your fucking ear drums blown the fuck out?

I’ve only been to two concerts in my life, and I fucking hated both of them. They’re too fucking loud. Which is funny, because I’ve been partially deaf my whole fucking life. So when I say they’re too loud, Jesus fucking Christ, they’re TOO GODDAMN LOUD!

Fuck, I sound like an old man. But I’m not. Not compared to this book. it’s just a long, boring, journal entry. It just dragged on and on. I went to this concert. I met this guy. I banged this chick. I snorted this coke. I did so much weed, man, you don’t even know. Fine. You’re a fucking hippy. I get it, man. But seriously, who the fuck cares?

Non-fiction books can be great. But they still need to have a goddamn story. A beginning, middle, and end. And exciting characters, that someone might actually give a fuck about. How about some goddamn development? A character ark. Something, man.

One guy who does this very well is Michael Lewis. He takes real-life events, and turns them into compelling stories. I reviewed his book The New New Thing. It was fucking awesome, because the characters were well developed, and there was an actual story to care about. He also wrote another book you may have heard of, Moneyball.

Don’t get me wrong, this Beefheart book isn’t completely worthless. If you’re really into music, as this author obviously is, I’m sure you’d love this fucking book. I just couldn’t get into it. I mean, music is great, sure. But it’s just music, man. Get over it.

I don’t remember the last time I even listened to the radio, really. I listen to podcasts in my car. Why would I listen to music, when I can listen to Adam Carolla sucking dick for hours on end? That guy can suck a dick, lemme tell ya.

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2 of 5 Title-Is-More-Interesting-Than-The-Book Stars – The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul by Douglas Adams.

Douglas Adams is one of my favorite authors. I absolutely love the Hitchhikers series. But, this book… This Dirk Gently series is complete garbage. It’s very disappointing. I really wanted to like this series, but I just can’t. And to think, they actually made a British TV series out of these books. So sad.

I distinctly remember when I first read this book. The wife and I waited in line at the bookstore, in 1989. We both got a copy, because there was no fucking way I was going to wait for her to finish, even though it only took her a couple hours. About two chapters into my book, I turned to her and asked, “What the fuck is this book about?”

“Hell if I know,” she said. By that time she was on the last few pages, and still didn’t have a clue what was going on.

The book starts out about an airport that explodes for no apparent reason. It was an interesting set-up. But then that part of the story is completely set aside, once Dirk Gently is introduced. You would think that once the titular character shows up, the story would really get going. But no. It drags.

It turns out that the best part of this book is Dirk’s refrigerator. And his couch. Both are fascinating. But, the characters, or the actual story? Not so much. So, fuck Dirk’s refrigerator in its dirty asshole. Preferably, on his fucked up couch.

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2 of 5 Die-Tris-Die Stars – Insurgent by Veronica Roth.

I don’t know why I kept reading this stupid fucking series. I mean, it’s just so goddamn immature. And I should know. I’m like a 12 year old stuck in a 45 year old body. But, this stupid skank Tris is just such a whiney bitch. I can’t stand her, and she’s the motherfucking narrator.

So, why the hell am I still reading this shit? I’ll tell you why. Because somewhere, deep in the muck, after you get past all the teenage angst, and cry-baby antics, there’s an interesting story in there. Sure, it’s near impossible to find. It’s buried under piles and piles of horseshit. But, if you’ve got the patience, you may just find it.

This book starts out, pretty much right after the first book left off. Tris and Four are on the run, looking for a safe haven. The peaceful Amish faction (yes, I forgot the faction name, okay? Fuck off. Reading’s hard), who do most of the farming, because that’s what peaceful Amish fucks do… That faction welcomes in all the fleeing factionless assholes.

Then the fun begins. Fingers are pointed. Blame is thrown. Tris is found to be a motherfucking murderer. Oh noes. Lock that bitch up! How dare she actually defend herself against someone who was going to shoot her.

Then, Four is found to maybe be a traitor, or something. Because his daddy beat him. Or his mommy didn’t pay enough attention to him. And that’s just so sad… Oh, who the fuck cares? I mean, really. Get on with it, goddamnit.

So there’s the fight scene. Guess who wins? Yup. Four and Tris take off on a train out past the walls, to live another day in exile. Whooptie-freaking-doo.

Now watch, I’ll just dive right into the next goddamn book. Because apparently, I love torturing myself with teenage angst. Somebody please just shoot me.

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2 of 5 Bad-Trip Stars – The Invisible Forest by Alina Grigorovitch.

This story is just a bad acid trip. From the very beginning, nothing seemed real. People talked funny, like in a fantasy. It seemed like a very vivid dream, from which there was no escape.

It reminded me a lot of Alice in Wonderland. The story even had its own Cheshire Cat, but it wasn’t a cat, it was a Phantom. But it served the same purpose, to explain this dream-like world to the Backwards Man, and to confuse the bloody hell out of anyone reading it.

This novella is about a man who has lost his way in life. He can’t hold a job. He can’t find a girlfriend. His life fucking sucks. So he just wanders around, until he comes to this magical forest, where he encounters all sorts of magical beings. Finally, his life makes sense. He has a purpose.

He sets out, through the magical forest, to find his long-lost castle. The place where he belongs. He knows it in his heart, somehow. He is drawn to it, through the forest. People guide him, along the way. A wizard here, a merchant there. And a bartender with a magical coin.

The big problem I have with this book is the dialogue. Everyone talks the same. The characters aren’t distinct. I mean, their descriptions are unique, but their dialogue sounds the same. I guess it kind of makes sense, seeing that this whole acid trip adventure is just in this guy’s fucked-up head, but come on…

Is it really that hard to create unique dialogue for each character? That’s what makes them characters, for fuck’s sake. It’s what makes them stand out. I can’t decide if I like a character, or if I just wish they would die in a fiery pit, if they all sound the same.

So, I guess my conclusion is, fuck this guy. Fuck Backwards Man. He’s a total idiot. He can have anything he wants, and he just wastes it. He can create the perfect world, with the perfect people. His perfect mate. His perfect dog. His perfect life. But he’s never satisfied, so he just wanders the forest instead. So yes, he should totally die a horrible death, in a fiery pit.

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2 of 5 Not-Enough-Ass-Fucking Stars – An Unproven Concept by James Young.

This is just bad Star Trek fanfic. Seriously. The producers of Star Trek should totally sue this guy. Here’s why: this book contains a ship named Enterprise, an officer named Sulu (oh my!), and even warp speed. There’s more similarities than that, but that’s enough, goddammit.

The whole story is just derivative as fuck. The battle scenes seem like they’re just ripped from some submarine battle, like The Hunt for Red October. Down bubble this. Firing solution that. It seems so familiar.

And then, there’s the cruise spaceship named Titanic. Why the fuck anyone would build any kind of ship with that name, I will never understand. It’s always going to end in disaster. But it is slightly harder to hit an iceberg, when you’re in space.

But there’s pirates! Arrrrg! So, the pirates attack the Titanic, and all hell breaks loose. Well, that is to say, the story turns into that Poseidon movie, where one highly skilled guy helps some rich guy escape the ruin that is their ship. So again, derivative as fuck.

Did I mention that there’s also a ship named Calvin & Hobbes? Yeah. Seriously. I don’t get it. I have to assume that this book is set in a future several hundred years ahead of our own, so why is there so many references to our current popular culture? It wouldn’t surprise me, if they were watching episodes of Friends on their cruise ship TV. It’s that fucking retarded.

I said that this book is bad Star Trek fanfic, because there’s hardly any sex scenes in this book. If it was real fanfic, it would be mostly sex scenes, where Q is fucking Picard violently in the ass, as Picard begs for more. So, if you’re going to write Star Trek fanfic, that’s fine. But do it right, goddamnit. At least have the decency to give us some violent ass fucking. Is that too much to ask? I think not.

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2 of 5 Totally-Gay Stars – Kasher in the Rye by Moshe Kasher.

This book was a huge disappointment. I expected it to be the story of how Moshe Kasher became such an awesome comedian. But that’s not what it’s about, at all. It’s about his fucking childhood. Seriously, from like birth, until he gets his fucking GED at 16. Like I fucking care about that shit? Fuck no.

I wanted to read about how he first got on stage. How he bombed horribly. How he got gang raped in the alley, behind the club. How he went home crying, to his mommy. But no. It’s not about that at all. It’s just fucking bullshit about how his parents are deaf, and life is so hard… Cry me a fucking river. I don’t fucking care.

Okay, the bit where his mother asked him if he was a faggot every Sunday, after church… That shit was funny. Because, come on, Moshe Kasher is the faggotest guy who ever faggoted. I mean look at this guy…

Of course his mother thinks he’s a faggot. But she assures him that it’s okay. It’s fine, if you’re a faggot. Which it is, of course. But he denies it. Every Sunday, he tells her that no, he’s not, in fact, a faggot. Sure, buddy. Keep telling yourself that.

The book goes on and on about how Moshe tried to get in gangs. Yea right. This faggot tried to get into gangs? Seriously? He’d chip a nail! Then he rants about stealing shit, and doing drugs, and going to rehab over and over. I just can’t see it, man. It’s got to be fiction.

There’s no way this faggot got into gangs, stole shit, did shit tons of drugs, and all that bullshit. There’s just no way. He must have just pulled these stories out of his ass, because I don’t believe a fucking word of it.

And don’t give me shit about using the word ‘faggot’. It’s just a word. Get over it. I’m a big fat faggot myself. But even if I wasn’t, it’s just a goddamn word. And don’t tell me it doesn’t apply to Moshe Kasher, because seriously… Just look at the guy. There’s no fucking way he’s straight. There. I said it.

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2 of 5 Depressing-As-Fuck Stars – The Divorce and Doom of Simon Pastor by Pete Deakon.

I read books to escape reality, as I’m sure most people do. With this book, there was no escaping it. It was too real. Too close to home for many divorced people, I’m sure. I wouldn’t know, because I’m happily married. I’ve never been divorced, so maybe that’s why I don’t get this book.

I say BULLSHIT! It has nothing at all to do with the fact that I’m a happily married man. It has to do with the fact that this story isn’t worth reading. It’s the story of Simon Pastor, who is wholly unremarkable. He goes to college, he gets married, he gets a job, he has kids, he gets divorced… Who the fuck cares?

This is what happens in real life, for fuck’s sake. Why the bloody hell would I want to read about it? Why would anyone want to read about it? If you’ve been divorced, you’ve already lived the life in this book. Your wife’s a lying, cheating whore, and your kids despise you. Big fucking deal. We’ve all been there. That’s life.

That being said, the book was well written. The only part of the actual writing that really pissed me off, is 20 motherfucking pages of text messages between Simon Pastor and his whore wife. Really? You had to go on and on for 20 goddamn pages? Like three fucking chapters are all just bullshit text messages. It annoyed me to no end.

I just had a hard time giving a fuck about this book. The story is just too much of a standard tale. No surprises whatsoever. I kept expecting there to be murder and mayhem. Maybe Simon Pastor got so pissed off at his whore wife that he went off and banged a bunch of whores. Or maybe he killed his wife and kid. Or hell, set their house on fire while they were sleeping. I don’t fucking know. None of that shit happened. It’s too bad, because that would have been a book worth reading.

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2 of 5 Not-So-Sick Stars – Sicker Bastards by Matt Shaw.

This book tries really hard to be sick and twisted. And it fails miserably. I’ve read sick and twisted, and this is not it, not by a long shot. But the author does try very hard. He’s just not good at it.

The story begins with the “family” eating human flesh. As the son feasts on said flesh, he can’t help but wonder what it would taste like, being eaten out of his sister’s vagina. See? He’s trying really hard, this Matt Shaw. The son even acts out that fantasy with his sister, a few pages later. And yes, if that was in fact his sister, that would be a bit twisted, I admit. But *spoiler alert* she’s not his sister.

This “family” has apparently been assembled as part of a government experiment, or something. They all woke up in that house, not knowing who they were. They also woke up extremely horny. Supposedly, because of the drug cocktail that the government used to dose this family’s drinking water. So there’s incestuous fucking going on all bloody day. Good times. But again, it’s not really incestuous.

The book cuts back and forth, between current time, and the before time. Before the son got in this situation. Back when he was living in his mom’s basement. I saw many opportunities for the author to make it clear that this so-called “family” the son is currently involved with is in fact, his real family.

That would have been cool. I mean the only reason he’s really fucking his fake sister and mother is that he knows they are fake. He’s been to the military base. He knows the truth. So, if his memories finally did come flooding back, and he slowly realizes that he’s humping his dead real-mom’s corpse… That would have been some good story telling right there. But noooooooooo.

So the problem with this book is really the fact that I’m writing a better story in my head while reading this pile of shit. That’s not my job, goddamnit. It’s the author’s fucking job. So get it right next time, you stupid cunt.

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