Archive for the ‘2 Star Reviews’ Category

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2 of 5 Suck-Fest Stars – Super Nobody by Brent Meske

Apparently, this book was specifically written to be kid-friendly. In other words, there’s no profanity. Well, fuck that shit. But it also seemed that it wasn’t just profanity that was kept out of the book. Pretty much anything that any parent might find offensive, is left out of this book. So what’s left is a total suck-fest.

With the premise of this book, you’d think that there would be some fun to be had. I mean, the story centers around a Junior High which is stocked full of teenage super-heroes. Well, not all of them are super-heroes. Some have yet to activate, like the main kid the story is centered around.

Why the bloody fuck do you write a story about super-heroes, only to center on the one kid who isn’t one? Just to piss me off? It’s working.

So imagine the X-Men school, with all the mutants, and awesomeness. That’s what this school is supposed to be, but without the awesomeness. Just boring-ass normal everyday bullshit teenage crap. This kid gets picked on at school. Who cares? Girls can’t stand to be near him. Big fucking deal. Welcome to teenage life, you stupid fuck.

I don’t understand how the hell this author took a perfectly good idea and completely skull fucked it. Sure, there is a bit of super-hero stuff here and there, but for the most part, it’s just a retarded story. There just isn’t enough super bits to make up for the sucky bits.

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2 of 5 Puny Human Stars – The Compleat Bolo by Keith Laumer

The only people I cared about in this book were not people. They were machines. Robots. Toasters. Whatever. The people in this book, the actual human characters suck donkey balls. I mean they’re just so bad. But the robots… Oh my god. Love ’em. They’re articulate and intelligent. They have more feeling than any of the stupid humans running them.

This is the story of a war. A war fought mostly by robots. A war that would have been won, had the dumbfucks just let the robots do what they wanted, and whoop some motherfucking ass. But nooo.

Instead, we’ve got some idiot rednecks running these robots, and they don’t know what the bloody fuck they’re doing. And the robots even tell these guys “Hey man, we should really kill those guys over there. They’re totally going to destroy us if you keep fucking around.”

But the dumbfuck rednecks are too goddamn stupid to listen to the robots. “Fuck that thar robot. He ain’t no nothin’ ’bout na gadnumb war fightin’.” That’s how these rednecks talk in this book. And it’s annoying as fuck.

I’m still glad I read this book. The robots are fascinating. They have real intelligence, and even feelings. They get sad when their fellow robots get destroyed. They actually fear their own demise.

The problem is, that’s like 5% of this book. The rest is utter garbage. I really wish this had just been a short story about robots. Unfortunately, the robot bits are strewn within this pile of rubbish. It makes me a sad robot.

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2 of 5 Stupid-Ass Stars – Bird Box by Josh Malerman.

This book seems like the author just got fucking lazy. He wanted to write a post-apocalyptic story, where the world has been overrun by terrifying monsters. What kind of monsters are they? Nobody can say. Because this author is too fucking lazy to create an actual monster.

This book is about an invisible threat. Monsters, or aliens, or some guy with a shotgun, who the fuck knows. It’s just a threat that drives people completely fucking insane if they happen to catch a glimpse of it. There are reports of people who ventured outside, saw the unseeable, and ended up butchering anyone they came in contact with. Because this threat is just soooo scary.

I say, bullshit. It’s not scary at all, it’s just fucking stupid. There are no reports of actual monsters mauling anyone. As far as I can tell, the only monsters are just crazy humans.

So the whole world has decided that the only solution to this problem is to lock themselves in their house, cover the windows, and never, EVER look outside, whatever you do. If they do go outside, people put on blindfolds, or something, to cover their eyes, so they don’t see what horror lies in the shadows.

The only reason I kept reading this book was to finally find some answers. I really just wanted to know what the fuck was actually happening. Were there really monsters? Had the earth been invaded by terrifying aliens? Or, are people just plain stupid?

Nobody knows. The questions were never answered. So I’m left thinking, I should have never read this stupid goddamn book. Because, it’s not really a story. It’s missing that crucial element of fear. Something to actually be afraid of.

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2 of 5 Zombified Stars – The Girl with All the Gifts by M.R. Carey.

Why are there so many fucking zombie stories? So many different varieties, but zombies nonetheless. From the title, and book cover, and even the blurb, I couldn’t tell that this was going to be a zombie story. In fact, I imagined a completely different story. A better story.

I thought this book was going to be about a girl who really had all the gifts. Like, maybe she had some form of ESP. Maybe she could set fires with her mind. Hell, she could have been like Rogue, from X-Men and I wouldn’t have been too surprised. Because, that’s what I expected. A girl with gifts.

But that’s not what this book is about. It’s about goddamn fucking zombies. Or, “hungries” as they’re called in this book. They have an insatiable hunger for human flesh, and if one of them bites you, guess what, you become a hungry one too. So, they’re zombies. Goddamn fucking zombies. I really don’t get this craze. Are there really no more original stories anymore? The author could have made this a unique story, without zombies, but no.

It’s even like he tried to make it an original story. Because these aren’t typical zombies. About 1% of them are fully functioning people, still able to talk and interact, like this gifted girl. But she still has the hunger. She still eats human flesh, and finds it the most amazing thing she’s ever experienced, but she feels really bad about it.

This book is about a select few of these human-like zombies, who are being kept, and educated at an army base. Well, not really educated, mostly they’re just test subjects for the government to probe and dissect, in hopes to find a cure to the hunger. Well, that’s great, but the base gets overrun by the hungries, and the gifted girl has to flee, with her teacher, a scientist, and a Sergeant. It’s like Gilligan’s Island, but with zombies. Oh, and there’s not really an island.

They run around the countryside, trying to find shelter and avoiding as many hungries as they can. It ends up being a constant battle for survival, like every other goddamn zombie story out there. In the end, there is an impressive showdown with the naked gifted girl, and a young boy with a baseball bat. It reminded me a lot of that old Star Trek episode, where there are only kids left alive, and some virus killed off all the adults.

Overall, I really wouldn’t recommend this book to anyone. It’s too much like every other goddamn zombie story out there. And once you’ve read one, you’ve pretty much read all of ’em. There’s no way I would have picked up this book and actually started reading it, if I had any idea it was another fucking zombie story.

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2 of 5 Not-So-Sexy Stars – The City of the Mirage by Jerome Brooke.

This is a very standard fantasy type story. I read nothing in this story that stood out as unique. It’s just war and slave girls, and sex and immortal goddesses. Whooptie-freaking-doo.

Although, I have to say that the story is in fact well written. It just isn’t the type of fiction that I usually go for. Maybe if it had been a unique story, I could have gotten into it. But, it’s not. It’s pretty boring, in fact. It didn’t even have any real sex scenes. Our hero just bangs ’em. No details whatsoever. Quite disappointing.

There’s just no redeeming value to this story at all. I mean, if you’re gonna have hot slave girls, at least bang the living shit out of ’em in gory detail. Sure, some people just want the cum shot, but not me. I wanna know all about how the girls were disobedient, and you just had to teach them a lesson by banging their tight assholes. Is that too much to ask? I think not.

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2 of 5 What-The-Actual-Fuck Stars – Bible is Not Great by Soren Sagan.

But this title is great, right? I mean, tell us how you really feel. it’s not good, it’s not bad, it’s just not great. Big fucking deal. Lots of things are not great, but those things aren’t destroying the world. And this book suggests that religion is, in fact, what’s destroying the world.

This book is a historical breakdown of everything that’s wrong with the bible. How most of the stories within the bible are copied from earlier myths from history. It goes on about the likelihood that the story of Noah and the flood is probably just an account of the last ice age, where the oceans rose and swallowed up whole countries, and all that shit.

And for some reason, this book also tries to break down all other religions as well. I thought this was supposed to be about the bible? Nope. It’s really about how all religions are bullshit, and how that bullshit is killing millions upon millions of innocent people. And how nice this planet would be without all that bullshit.

The main problem I had with this book was the fact that the author repeated himself constantly. Like over and over. I mean, the Noah story was in at least 4 different chapters in this fucking book. And the Adam and Eve thing was in 3 or more chapters. And Moses in his fucking basket was mentioned in several different chapters. I mean this whole fucking book was redundant. It’s just the same fucking thing, over and over, told in slightly different ways.

I’ve read several atheist books, including Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion, and I’ve always found that the most interesting bits in those books aren’t about the bullshit in the bible. The reason I read those books are because of the constant christian bashing. I mean, Dawkins goes on and on about how retarded christians are. Like how you can present Ken Ham with all the evidence in the world about how the earth is not only six thousand years old, but Ham will still smile like an idiot and say “Nope, you’re wrong.” That shit is comedy gold.

But you’ll find none of that comedy gold in this goddamn book. This book is just about the facts. No christian bashing at all, really. Where’s the fun in that?

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2 of 5 Bogus Stars – All Our Yesterdays by Cristin Terrill

The beginning of this book was amazing. Full of all kinds of time-travel paradoxes. Okay, that makes it sounds fancy. It wasn’t fancy time-travel theory or anything. It was Bill & Ted’s hide the documents theory. You know, you think of something that you should do in the past, and woah, there’s the keys behind that bush!

So, Em hides the documents from herself. The documents that will change the world, because they include the secret tech to build a vast time machine. Once the time-travel fun concludes after a few chapters, we fall into a slump of “Where’s the documents?” or “Who hid the documents?” or “OMG I found the documents.”

Seriously, that’s the whole middle of this book. Like 200 pages of looking for, or hiding, or finding these documents.

Then, in the last few chapters, the Bill & Ted time-travel bits come back into play. OMG there’s another you, dude. No way?! Totally! So the evil Bill tries to kill the good Bill, and the evil Ted gets hold of the documents and… Woah man. It’s like totally bogus, dude.

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2 of 5 Sleepy Stars – The Sleeping Warrior by Sara Bain.

This book is just a really bad Law & Order episode. And I fucking hate Law & Order. Can’t stand that stupid show. This book does have some supernatural elements, but still, it’s mostly procedural bullshit.

The book starts like this: some guy shows up at a police station in London, looking like a bum, smelling like a bum, and pretty much ruining everyone’s day. So, this lawyer chick comes to the rescue, at like 2 AM in the morning. Who needs a lawyer at 2 AM? Nobody does.

The lawyer chick finds out that this bum that’s been thrown in the drunk tank is very special. He’s like some ancient immortal warrior or some shit, who’s looking for some stone that will destroy the world if it’s not dealt with.

Okay… Who the fuck cares? It’s like this whole book is some plot point that somebody pulled out of their ass, while tripping balls on acid. Or maybe it’s from a dream, after a long night of partying with cheap scotch. Who the fuck knows. All I know is, it fucking sucks.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s written very well. I’m sure some people would love this book. It’s got romance, intrigue, mystery, suspense… I mean, if you like Law & Order, you’ll probably love this goddamn book. It just wasn’t my cup of tea.

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2 of 5 Walking-Dead Stars – Killing The Dead by Richard Murray.

This novella is just a very poor episode of The Walking Dead. Hell, they even end up in an old farm house, just like The Walking Dead.

Of course, in this story, we have a serial killer named Ryan as our narrator. Oh, nifty! It’s like totally original, right? Well, considering he’s actually compared to Dexter in this story, because of Ryan’s so-called code of killing, it’s really not so original. Because, Ryan doesn’t kill just anybody. He only kills people who deserve it. Oh, and zombies, of course. Just like Dexter!

The problem is, this story doesn’t have any of the depth of character as even the worst of The Walking Dead episodes. I spent the entire time reading this story, hoping they would all die a horrible death. I kept thinking, maybe they will die while getting burned alive, while being eaten by zombies, while being raped by hung black guys.

One can only hope, right? Oh, and don’t get me started on this guy’s use of the word ‘whilst’, as in: “Cover me, whilst I chop at these zombies with my cleaver.” Or, “Whilst I gathered canned goods, the girls were busy cooking upstairs.” Or, “Whilst I jack off in this girl’s face, make sure to take a selfie, at just the right moment, whilst I ejaculate.”

Okay, sure, I know this story is set in London, or somewhere in Britain, but come on man. The word has its uses, I’m sure, but not in every goddamn paragraph, for fuck’s sake.

Please excuse me, whilst I wipe me bum with this stupid story.

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2 of 5 B-Movie Stars – Reflections of Death by Caroline & Neil Gebbie

I love horror movies, but I really fucking hate horror B movies. You know the type. They’re just so stupid. The only reason to watch those horrible movies, is for a good laugh. And, that’s the only reason you should read this book, for a good laugh. Because it’s not even a horror B movie, it’s more like a D movie. It’s just that bad.

This is the story of some idiot who somehow summons a demon from his bathroom mirror. It gives him a week to live, and just for fun, also gives his sister a week to live. What the bloody fuck is wrong with this monster? Why not kill them now? Why fuck around? You know the rest of the book is going to be these idiots coming up with a way to destroy you. So, just kill the fuckers and be done with it.

But no. Of course, it’s the standard villain crap. You can never kill the hero. Always give them time to destroy you. It’s these standard cliches that just drive me insane.

So, anyway, shit starts going crazy in the neighborhood. They find out that the creature has escaped its mirrored prison and is out to wreck havoc on our world. Will the hero save the day? Or will the monster rip him to shreds? Oh please, like you don’t already know what’s going to happen. This book is so fucking predictable, it’s pathetic.

There is plenty of gore in this book. Lots of blood and guts, if that’s all you’re looking for in a horror novel. I’m sure plenty of people would be satisfied with that, but I’m not.

I want a reason to care about these fucking idiots. There’s just no reason for me to keep reading, when I know what’s going to happen next. I know the ending of this fucking book, after the first 10 pages. But, I soldiered on to the end, because I really just needed a good laugh.

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