Archive for the ‘3 Star Reviews’ Category

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3 of 5 Flaming-Ass Stars – Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1 by Glenn Conley.

Okay, so this guy hates books. I get that. I fucking hate books too. But why’d he go and write a book about it? Isn’t that the most hypocritical thing to do? I mean, it seems like this guy literally wants to put a bunch of books in a pile and burn ’em. Great. So, is he gonna include his book as well, in this pile of books he’s gonna burn? I doubt it. Fucking hypocrite.

Apparently, this book is a collection of book reviews from this asshole’s blog. It’s 229 pages of horseshit, that’s already on his blog for free, for fuck’s sake. What’s the purpose of this goddamn book? Why the fuck would anyone buy it? It makes no sense to me, whatsoever.

Okay, maybe… Just maybe, I’d get this book to read on the shitter. I mean, I have to admit his reviews can be hysterical at times. It’s not something anyone would just buy, and sit down at their comphy chair and read. It’s not that kind of book.

I guess you could say it’s kind of like a novelty book. Like a joke book. Or something like “101 ways to piss off women.” That’s got to be a book, right? But how hard is it to piss off women? Not hard at all. Nobody needs that book, either. But they both serve their purpose. To pass the time, and get a slight chuckle, while waiting at your doctor’s office.

But be warned… I was reading this fucking book at the dentist office. They called my name and I just shouted “Ha! Fuck you, man. Oh not you, sorry. I meant this douchebag who wrote this review of Gone Girl. Fucking guy.” So yea, be careful where you read this thing. It’s dangerous, I tells ya.

There should be a warning on the goddamn thing. Just like fucking Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Well, not just like… I mean that one said “Don’t Panic.” I’m pretty sure that this guy’s warning should be the exact opposite of that. “Dude, Panic! Whatever you do, don’t read this goddamn book!” Or something to that effect.

But something tells me that it would be a briar patch kind of thing. Or maybe a Cartman kind of thing. “No! You can’t get into this amusement park. Now, fuck off.” Which was hailed as one of the most brilliant marketing strategies of its time. Movies started using it, saying “No! You can’t watch this movie. Fuck off!”

And it worked. People found a way to see those movies. They found a way into that amusement park. Because everyone wants something they can’t have. But I hate to break it to ya, Mr. Glenn Cocksucking Conley, but your book is available to anyone who wants to get it. You’re not stopping anyone with your silly warnings.

[ I wrote this review of my book of reviews about two weeks ago, when the cover literally had a warning on it that read, “WARNING: This book has lots of unnecessary profanity. Why? Because, FUCK YOU! That’s why. Got a problem with that? Eat a bag of dicks. They’re like potato chips. You can’t eat just one.” Yes, that entire warning was on the COVER of this book for like 2 days, before I changed it. lolz. I don’t know what I was thinking. ]

So fuck you, Glenn! YOU can eat a bag of dicks! And they’re nothing like potato chips. Well, I guess they are a bit salty. I mean, so I’ve heard.

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3 of 5 Creep-Does-Not-Rhyme-With-Deep Stars – Creep by T. Kent, among others.

This is a good book of poems and flash fiction. But perhaps I’m biased because I love horror so much. And you wouldn’t think that I’m a big fan of poetry, now would you? Of course you wouldn’t think that. Because I’m a fucking idiot.

But there’s a secret, you see. Don’t let me fool you. I’m not really an idiot, I just play one on TV. And I studied poetry in college, so I know a good poem when I see it. And let me tell you this, these are not good poems.

Okay, there’s like 2-3 good poems in this collection. But for the most part, they’re complete shit. They’re just pointless. They don’t tell a story, or make me feel ANYTHING. It’s just bla bla bla (insert rhyme here) bla bla bla.

That’s not poetry. Oh shut the fuck up. Yes, it’s poetry in the literal sense, but it’s not good poetry. Good poetry doesn’t need such a structure. But every single fucking poem in this collection rhymed like it’s a book for three-year-olds.

But it’s not a fucking book for three-year-olds, goddamnit. They’re poems about death, and gore, and serial killers, for fuck’s sake. So throw that goddamn iambic pentameter out the window and give me some real fucking creativity.

Or maybe that particular poetry structure was what was required by the publisher for this volume. Who the fuck knows? All I know is, it annoyed the fuck out of me.

This collection was saved by some brilliant flash fiction. Those stories were awesome. I really wish the whole book was filled with those stories, even though like 70% of them were set during Halloween. That’s a bit too many Halloween stories, don’t ya think?

At least they’re good Halloween stories. Except one. It’s titled ‘Mayhem’, so you know what to avoid. Seriously, skip that goddamn story, because it’s fucking bullshit.

You know that awesome movie, Crash? Where there’s all these different stories interconnecting with each other? This story was like that, and then, out of nowhere, it just ends. It was building to something awesome, and then just ends. What the fuck?

Overall, I’m still glad I read this collection, and I would definitely recommend it. It’s a good book, but it could have been much better.

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3 of 5 Frack-Fucking Stars – Dutchman’s Curse by Gates Watson.

I laughed my ass off while I read this book. It’s fucking hilarious. But somehow, I don’t think the author intended it to be so goddamn funny. I think he meant it to be a serious, epic space opera.

And it is an epic space opera, in a way. I mean, there’s huge space battles, and such. But it’s hard to take it seriously, when one of the main characters is a 12-year-old boy named ‘Tom Clancy’. Seriously? Out of all the fucking names you could have chosen, you chose Tom Motherfucking Clancy? Really?

So, every time I read that name, I had to chuckle. It took me out of the book, and made me realize just how utterly stupid it was. I couldn’t keep track of the story, because every time I saw that fucking name, I’d be dragged back to the real world, to laugh my ass off.

Don’t get me started on Tom Clancy’s sister. A 5-year-old girl who’s pretty much River, from Firefly. She’s special. She can talk to spaceships, and she has like superpowers or something. And her name is AnaLise.

So now, every time I read her name, it’s Anal-ise. Emphasis on the Anal. Why? I don’t fucking know why. I’m a sick fuck, or something. But I just couldn’t help myself. So again, every time I saw that name, I had to chuckle, and it took me out of the story as well.

And then, there’s the officer named Moran. He’s a fucking moron, and every time I saw his name, I read it as Moron. Again, laughing my ass off. Then, I found this line, and laughed even harder: “You aren’t paid to think, Moran.”

That’s comedy gold, right there. Oh yea, and there’s General Butthead. That one’s good for a laugh or two. And the fact that this author chose to use the whole Battlestar Galactica swear word routine. ‘Frack’ this, and ‘fracking hell’ that. You couldn’t ask for more laughs from this book, I tell ya.

All that aside, this book is about some kids who hop a ride on some warship. They seem harmless enough, but they’re not. Tom Motherfucking Clancy is a goddamn serial killer, and his sister is some strange mystic that nobody understands.

Tom starts killing everyone, as you do. His sister is taken to a faraway planet, for safe keeping, because you never know when you’ll need a mystical heir to some clan. And then the wars begin. Because some asshole stopped a wedding, and another asshole killed someone important.

Tom escapes with his buddy Moran, because even a serial killer needs some comic relief. The battleship that was trying to stop the war ends up getting blamed for killing everyone. A bounty is set on that ship, and everyone goes after it, getting themselves killed in the process.

Seriously, like 6 ships were destroyed, because of a goddamn misunderstanding. Then, all is cleared up, and the war shifts to finding and destroying Tom and his minions. There’s also some bullshit in there about trade agreements, and turf disputes. Not that I paid attention to that. I mean, who would?

I liked this book, because I literally laughed out loud several times while reading it. I hated it, because it could never keep me in the story. I was constantly drawn out by the stupid names and references. But still, it was well written. And funny, albeit unintentionally so.

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3 of 5 Anal-Begets-Anal Stars – Free Radicals by Zeke Teflon.

This book has many issues. It’s racist. It’s misogynistic. And the story is set in a world that doesn’t need to be there. It’s a strange dystopian world. All the nukes have gone off and fried everyone’s implants, because of the EMP. There are spaceships, and colonies on other planets, and none of it needs to be there.

Because this is just the story of a fucking loser. A musician named Kel, who’s wasted and drunk all the time. His wife left him, and used her political connections to get him arrested for some terrorist bullshit. Because divorce isn’t enough for this bitch. She wants to completely ruin his life. And she does a damn good job of it.

Kel goes to jail, where he’s given clothes that have Bible verses on ’em. Mostly the bullshit verses from Leviticus. So of course, Kel ends up joining a cult in the prison. Because he was tired of all the ass rape in the general population. Little did he know that the leader of the cult, The Father, required an anal sacrifice as well. Oh well. At least it was holy rape.

After all the anal rape, war broke out, and Kel and his buddies join the Anal Nazis to kill off all the inbred scum of the earth. You know, people who aren’t white. Because that’s how the Anal Nazis roll.

Kel and his friend finally do leave the Anal Nazis, because it was gettin’ hairy, man. The killing was just too much. But then, Kel and his crew are hunted by the Anal Nazis, because Kel’s tight white ass was just too fine to let go. It becomes an all-out war of Anal Freedom, as Kel fights to survive the anal onslaught.

See what I’m saying? That entire story didn’t need any kind of dystopian landscape. The story didn’t fit the world it was set in. It could have easily been set in today’s average world. That means there were huge useless sections of this book, going on about the dystopia that didn’t need to be there.

Of course, all the ‘anal’ didn’t need to be in my review, either. But it’s funny, and it made this book sound more interesting than it is. Because there’s no Anal Nazis. They’re just regular Nazis. It’s too bad. Anal Nazis sound like much more fun. Hell, that’s a good name for a band. “And now, here’s… ANAL NAZIS!”

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3 of 5 Not-Much-Of-A-Wookie Stars – Chewy Noh and the Fall of the Mu-dang by Tim Learn.

This book reminds me too much of school. I fucking hated school. All that reading and writing, and paying attention in class… Fuck that shit. I’ve got better things to do, goddamnit.

Chewy – what a silly fucking name. At first, I thought maybe the author wasn’t aware of the most famous ‘Chewy’. But then a bully in this story made the comment “So your mother named you after a Wookie? Nice.”

But this Chewy is nothing like a Wookie. He’s a tiny little grade school weakling. He’s like a foot shorter than everyone. Not because he’s Korean. No, that’s got nothing to do with it. He was just born to be a fucking pussy boy.

But at least there’s a tradeoff. Sure, he’s frail and weak, but at least he’s got superpowers. Well, not real superpowers. Because he’s a fucking idiot. He could have chosen to fly, or be invincible, or invisible, or so many other marvelous things, but he didn’t. He chose to have the superpower to pass any test posed to him. Like that’s a fucking superpower.

Chewy uses his new-found power on the next test in school, and sure enough, he passes with a perfect score. I guess I can kind of understand his need for this kind of power, because before this, he was a fucking retard. Seriously, he couldn’t do anything right, and failed every exam, before he got his so-called superpowers.

Oh yea, and his mom’s a witch. Kind of. She can read minds, and see the future. This is a very annoying thing for a young boy. Just imagine living with a mom who can read your every thought. That’s scary shit right there. And sure enough, it drives poor Chewy crazy.

I’m not sure why this book was nearly 400 pages long. It wasn’t much of a story. It’s just the comings and goings of typical shit that happens in school. Girl crushes. Boy crushes. Rumors and such. There’s just not much story in this book.

Chewy gets bullied. His friend gets bullied. They sneak into the principle’s office to get some dirt on the bullies. Discover that one of the bullies was held back a grade. Oh noes! One of the bullies just happens to get superpowers of his own, and tries to frame Chewy for burning down the school.

That’s not a 400 page story. It’s a 100 page story, at best. That being said, it was still well written. It was actually a fairly compelling read. I mean, I finished it in one sitting, which I rarely do. So, it’s not a bad story per se, it just lacked substance.

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3 of 5 Mary-Sue-Got-Married Stars – A Glimmer of Guile by Mary Patterson Thornburg.

This book is a very standard fantasy tale. A young girl is sent on an impossible quest, with only a few friends to guide and protect her. All she has are her wits, and her ‘guile’ to carry her through her journey, to find the kidnapped prince, or whatever.

‘Guile’ is how this book refers to magic. But not everyone has guile. Most find their guile sometime near puberty. The perfect time for a life-sacrificing journey. I’m just sayin’, good thing there weren’t many boys around.

Vivia, our young heroine, gets on a ship, to travel to Maal, where this so-called prince is being kept. Or so she hopes. I mean, nobody really knows where the fuck this guy is hiding. Hell, maybe he just ran away. Young princes often do such things.

Onboard the ship, she bumps heads with the captain. He’s a big, nasty bastard, and wants to sell her into slavery, or something. One can only hope for sex slavery. Vivia, of course, takes offense at this and hatches a nifty little scheme to get the nasty bastard thrown overboard and eaten by sharks.

She uses her guile to make a phantom image of the captain, and he promptly has a heart attack, because he’s such a scary guy. Yea, right. I can see being taken aback a bit, after seeing a phantom image of yourself coming at you, but come on man. How scared can you be of yourself?

Vivia’s evil plan worked, and the ship carried on to Maal, where Vivia bumped into some shady characters who promised that they had the same goals in mind, to save the prince. But really, they wanted to kill the evil witch-bitch that ruled the land with an iron fist.

Vivia’s power grows out of control. She pretty much kills everyone. Evil, good, funny lookin’, it didn’t really matter. For a moment there, I could have sworn that she was turning into an evil bitch-witch herself, but sadly, she didn’t. She got married, and lived happily ever after. Goddamnit to hell.

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3 of 5 Sweet-Human-Flesh Stars – Consumed by Matt Shaw.

This is a very standard cabin in the woods type horror story. Which really pisses me off. It’s not the cabin in the woods that annoys me. It’s all the normal bullshit you have to wade through to get to the goddamn cabin.

Because the first half of this book is a complete waste of space. Well, that’s not entirely true. Just like a good horror movie, Shaw grips his audience from the very first page, with an excerpt of what is to come. Extreme horror. Yay!

So the first page is good, but then it drags on for another 70 or so pages, without even a hint of any more gore. Just some idiots going camping. Talking about bullshit. What should we have for dinner? Oh, did you see that flower? So pretty…

Just kill me now. I fucking hate that mundane horseshit. I’m sure some would say “Oh, but Glenn, you can’t have hardcore gore all the time. You have to build characters and such.”

I say, “BULLSHIT!” You can totally have both. Just ask Jack Ketchum, or Edward Lee, to name a few. They write stories that are crazy hardcore horror, and they even have vibrant characters to go with the story. It can be done.

It just can’t be done by Matt Shaw. I’ve read several of his books, and it always comes down to the same problem. Too much everyday life bullshit, and not enough actual story. I don’t give a fuck what your characters had for breakfast. I don’t care that the coffee was oh so wonderful. Nobody fucking cares about that shit.

But then, when Shaw finally gets down to the meat of his story, where the poor hapless strangers find a helpful family in the secluded cabin in the woods. What could go wrong? Well, everything…

The hapless dude’s girlfriend gets literally eaten for dinner. While she’s still alive. Naked, and tied to the dining room table. Apparently these folks prefer their human meat fresh off the bone.

One of the cannibal girls corners the poor hapless guy. She seduces him. Gets him nice and hard. Goes down on his cock, and literally swallows it whole. After she bites it off at the base, of course.

So yes, good times were eventually had at the cabin in the woods. It just took way too long to actually get there.

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3 of 5 Man-Beast Stars – The Melding of Aeris by D. Wallace Peach.

This is a strange book. It’s very brutal. People are skinned alive, and ‘melded’ with animals. Because human skin is so valuable. So all the poor people get skinned. This world is filled with human-beasts, covered in fur.

The few brief sex scenes in this book kind of freaked me out, because it’s like bestiality. Imagine banging a woman who has cat eyes, and wolf’s fur. Okay, so it’s kind of a turn on. I mean, if you’re into ‘furries’, which some people are.

I don’t get the whole dressing up as animals thing. How do people find that sexy? It’s just weird and creepy. But having a woman who actually has silky fur all over her body? That’s hot. Or am I just sick and perverted? Yeah, that’s probably it.

But I digress… This book is about a man named Aeris who gets melded, because he’s a poor ass bum. They skin him alive and replace his skin with wolf’s fur. And a bit of goat. Maybe a squirrel or two, for flair. This really pisses him off. He swears revenge, and learns how to fight, to get back his precious human skin.

Aeris starts a rebellion. He wants to end the skinning. The only way to do that is to destroy the Pathway, or whatever… It’s some magic thingy. This part of the book confused the living shit out of me. I mean is it magic, or is it surgery? What the fuck the whole Pathway thing was, I never fully understood. But it’s like bad or something.

So they assault the thingy. Lots of sword fighting and such. Harsh words were spoken, and some magic seeds were destroyed. Or something. My brain hurt while reading this bit. I just didn’t get it.

This book was well written, but it needed to be simpler. There’s no need for any kind of magic in this story. The Pathway, and the seeds, and all that happy horseshit didn’t need to be there.

Because in the end, it’s just evil guys doing evil shit. Skinning people alive and all that. So, just kill those motherfuckers. End it. That’s all that needed to happen. Everything else just muddled the story, and made it painful to read.

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3 of 5 Not-Nearly-Gay-Enough Stars – Buried Within by Pete Deakon.

From the cover of this book, I expected it to be some sort of gay love-fest. With hot young guys fucking in the forest, beside the road. But unfortunately, that’s not what this book is. In fact, there’s absolutely no gay butt-banging in this book. So sad.

Instead of highway butt-bandits, this book has a murder mystery. And a love story. It’s funny to me that the love story part is every man’s fantasy. You see an absolutely beautiful woman across the bar. You walk up to her and say, “Wow. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Mind having dinner with me?”

That’s a fantasy, because that would never work. Unless the guy was also some hot hunk. Then, there’s really no need for pleasantries at all. Just, “Hey, lets fuck.” And so it goes. But with some average Joe? No fucking way. That shit don’t work.

It’s much more likely that the woman would give you a disgusted look and say something like, “Seriously? Did you just say that? Did you really think that would work? Get out of my face, faggot.”

But no. This beautiful woman takes his compliment in stride, and says some bullshit like, “You think I’m beautiful? Really? How sweet. Of course I’ll have dinner with you.” Please. Right there, this book took me out of a plausible story, and into fantasy land. Life is just never that simple.

So this random guy, and this hot chick have a wonderful life together. Everything is perfect. Then, some other random guy kills the beautiful girl. Because he’s crazy, or something. He saw her in a store, and thought, “Hey, I wonder what would happen if I asked that girl out on a date?”

But in crazy-boy’s world, reality kicks in. He knows he’d just get slapped upside the fucking head. This girl isn’t gonna give him the time of day. So, why bother asking her out? Just bash her face in with a hammer, and have your way with her. Okay, maybe not the face. Then, you’d have to put a bag over her head when you banged her corpse. We don’t want that, now do we?

Poor random guy is so sad when he finds out his wife got killed. So he quits his job, and goes after the killer himself, because apparently, the cops in his town are a complete fucking waste of space.

This is a decent book. It’s well written, and has some interesting characters. I only wish there was more killing. I mean, only one decapitation? Come on, man…

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3 of 5 Billion-Dollar-Con Stars – Netscape Time by Jim Clark.

The first time I read this book, it was 1999. Back when internet startups were all the rage, and any retard that started one made billions of dollars.

Seriously? Even Netscape? Yup. It was just a fucking browser. And at the time, it was the shittiest browser on the market. Internet Explorer was better than Netscape, for fuck’s sake. When Firefox first came out, it was light-years ahead of Netscape.

But did Firefox make billions of dollars? Fuck no. Firefox was actually useful. Nothing useful ever makes money. Just ask Nicola Tesla. He’ll tell ya all about useful things that he invented and never got a dime for.

Netscape was bullshit. The company didn’t make anything that was worth one goddamn cent, but it made these motherfuckers billionaires. Because they knew how to con the public, and the stock market. That’s all Netscape was, in the end. One big, billion dollar con.

But Jim Clark made this book fascinating. He made the Netscape con read like a Hollywood blockbuster. This guy knows how to take advantage of the next big thing. It’s Jim Clark’s wheelhouse. He started Silicon Graphics, he helped start Netscape, then he started WebMd.

I’m sure this jackass has started several more companies since. Because, why not? When you’re a billionaire, making money becomes just a hobby. It doesn’t even matter anymore if his companies are successful. It’s just a game to him now.

It sickens me, really. I mean, I love this guy. Jim Clark is my fucking hero. But at the same time, I want to punch his stupid fucking face. Because he just can’t lose. He couldn’t lose if he tried. And it pisses me off so much.

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