Archive for the ‘3 Star Reviews’ Category

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3 of 5 Bustin-My-Book-Cherry Stars – The Lament of Sky by BB Wynter

This book reminds me of the first book that I read for my own pleasure, as a teenager. It was David Eddings’ Pawn of Prophecy. Before that book, I had only read books because of school assignments. It never occurred to me to actually read a book because I wanted to.

Pawn of Prophecy popped my reading-for-pleasure cherry. I was hooked on fantasy, and couldn’t get enough of it. That is, until I started reading some other authors, and realized that it was just Eddings’ masterful writing that made those books worth reading.

So it’s a good thing when I say this book, The Lament of Sky, actually reminds me of Eddings’ work. I don’t read much fantasy fiction anymore, because I find so much of it so fucking formulaic. Some nobody gets dragged along on an epic adventure, usually against their will. And surprise, surprise, they turn out to be long-lost royalty, or something.

And this book is no different. It’s the same goddamn formula as every other fantasy story ever written. A long-lost princess is saved from a simple life, only to be dragged along, on an epic adventure. She protests at every turn. She couldn’t possibly be this super-important magical queen, or whatever. She’s just this girl, ya know?

Of course, I found her protests silly as fuck, because everyone knows what’s going to happen. She’s gonna cry and whine, and carry on, but she’s still going to go along with the crew to save the world and shit. She’s just gonna moan and bitch while she does it.

What made this story different, was the fact that she had to put up with so many people sabotaging her journey. The people who are supposed to protect her turn out to be like evil or something. They’re secretly conniving against her the whole time. Cool.

But there’s at least one guy, of course, who is pure of heart. He helps her along her journey, and tries to fend off those who seek to destroy her. I liked this guy. He had a hard time convincing young whats-her-face that he just wanted to help her. Because all her other ‘helpers’ just ended up stabbing her in the back.

But eventually, he wins her over, and they go off and save the day. Stop the world from exploding, and all that happy horseshit. And they probably had crazy hippy sex when I wasn’t paying attention. Because I’m pretty sure the dude was drugging her or something. You just can’t trust those fairy-boys. They’re sneaky little fuckers.

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3 of 5 Hardcore-Porn Stars – Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller.

Apparently, Henry Miller was the Hank Moody of his time. And if you don’t know who Hank Moody is, go watch Californication for fuck’s sake. He’s a fucking rock star of a writer. He gets all the pussy. Does all the blow. And he has a huge cock, like all rock stars do.

This book made me want to be a writer. I mean, many books have inspired me to write, but none other promised so much unending pussy. And anal. This book made the life of a broke and starving writer seem so bloody awesome.

But maybe it had less to do with the idea that writers get all the pussy, and more to do with the fact that this book is set in Paris, France. Because everyone knows that French girls are freaky sluts.

There wasn’t much of a story in this book. It’s not really a story. It’s just the rantings of a sex-crazed writer. I don’t know if you can even call it fiction, because it actually is the story of Miller’s life in Paris.

He sort of blends fact and fiction. Like yes, he did walk down to the corner store to get some milk. But he didn’t really get blown by a 14 year old girl on his way there. Those little details don’t really matter, do they?

It makes me wonder if any of the crazy sex in this book actually happened. I think it’s more likely that he didn’t get laid at all. He was just writing this book and started fantasizing. I mean, why write about how bloody depressed I am? How about writing about some girl fellating me, while I write this epic masterpiece? Yeah. That’s hot.

It’s funny to me that a lot of the best writers of our time are just glorified pornographers. Because that’s what this book is. It’s just porn, from beginning to end. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good porn. It’s literary porn. So you can feel all smart and stuff while you’re jackin’ it.

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3 of 5 Super-Bored Stars – Magic Artinia by Alina Grigorovitch

This book is very strange. It’s like a homework assignment. Like the teacher said, “Okay class, I want you to write a story about a unique world. A complete planet, separate from our own.”

In that respect, I’d have to give this author a C-. She created a unique world, sure, but she cheated. All she did is take the Earth, and everything about it, and change a few minor details. Like God. Their God is the same as ours, but it’s Bob. Like, “Bobdamnit!” or “For Bob’s sake, stop being such a cunt!”

And then there’s Diet Coke, or as this world calls it, ‘Diet Crack’. Apparently all soda-pop is referred to as Crack. Not as a joke. I mean, that’s what the fucking government calls it. They have food laws and shit. “You’re only allowed one can of Crack per day…”

Another reason that this book is sub-par, is because of its complete lack of anything resembling a fucking story. It’s like the author spent so much time coming up with her so-called ‘unique world’, that she forgot to actually include a story. Because this book is like a long episode of Seinfeld. It’s pointless. It’s about nothing. It just goes on and on about the normal, every-day life of people on this planet. Nothing interesting happens. Just people going to work. Going on a vacation to Hawaii. Going to school. Who gives a flying fuck?

Oh, but some of these perfectly boring people can actually fly! It’s part of this whole ‘unique world’ thing. People of this planet have what they call ‘tokens’, which are super-power like abilities. Everyone has a token. Some can fly. Some can see really far. Some can do math really well. Some can time travel. And some can bang your mom. Because seriously dude, your mom is nasty.

Okay, fine. An entire world filled with people who have super-powers. Wow, this should be good, right? I mean, with all those super-powers, something cool has got to happen, right? Not even, man. For some reason, nobody really uses their super-powers. Because for them, tokens aren’t really super. Your token is more like a zit on your forehead. You don’t really want to show it off to everyone. In fact, most people of this world hide their tokens, out of embarrassment.

What the fuck? Why do authors have to skullfuck their ideas so much? You create a world full of super-heroes and super-villains. There should be non-stop action, for fuck’s sake. But no. It’s just filing these papers. Getting some coffee. Chatting up some cute girls. Oh. My. Bob. Come on…

There should be so much more action in this fucking book. Not that there has to be non-stop action, mind you. You can make a perfectly good story without any real action at all. Just make it interesting. Have characters that someone might actually give a shit about. Is that so hard? Am I asking too much? I think not.

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4 of 5 Pesky-Devil Stars – Messenger by Lois Lowry.

This book is one of the low-tech stories in the Giver series. It’s set in a simple village. People have simple lives, working on farms, weaving cloth, smelting iron, etc.

It’s the story of what happens when the devil comes to town. It’s not actually said that the man is, in fact, the devil. But to me, it’s the only logical conclusion.

Because, the devil offers people amazing gifts. He can heal the sick. He can make someone love you. He can give you riches. A beautiful house. A majestic horse. Pretty much anything you desire, the devil can provide.

But of course, there’s a price to be paid for all these gifts. The forest is dying. Hell, their world is dying. So, one boy takes it upon himself to heal their forest, and set everything right that the devil has set wrong.

It really is a heartwarming tale. It seriously pisses me off that there wasn’t much wrong with it. The characters were vibrant. The story was well told.

Most of the time, I find myself rooting for the villain. But in this story, I actually wanted to see good prevail. Because the author actually made me give a shit about the characters. I wanted them to live, and be happy.

This is so uncharacteristic of me. I usually enjoy the pain and suffering on the page. But with this book, I really wanted to see the devil get what he deserved. And so, he did.

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3 of 5 Sick-And-Twisted Stars – Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk.

I wouldn’t call this a novel. It’s a novella, at best, that creates a setting for the characters within the novella to tell their short stories. Frankly, this would have been a better book if was just a collection of short stories without the bullshit novella that ties them all together. It doesn’t need that connection. The short stories have nothing to do with the novella that is intertwined.

Most of the time, I found myself skipping, or skimming most of the novella, and just reading the sort stories. Because, the short stories were mostly quite insane and interesting to read. The novella was boring as fuck. Sure, they had to resort to cannibalism to stay alive, but who gives a fuck? All of those characters are useless assholes, who deserve to get eaten anyway.

So, yea. This book is completely fucked in the head. I’m pretty sure the author was on acid when he wrote this shit. I’m glad I read it, for the completely fucked up bits, but I’m still pissed off that I had to wade through the bullshit of that novella just to get to the good short story bits.

There’s the guy who got his guts sucked out his butthole, because he was sitting on the pool drain, while masturbating. There’s the call girl who only does ‘foot jobs’. She can end your life, just by massaging your feet. A nun who kills people with a bowling ball. A chef who kills critics who give him a bad review. (Oh shit! Fuck. I’m a dead man…)

I persisted to the end, just for the fucked up parts. But they were hard to find. Like mining for shit-covered gold. Often times, the worthless fucking novella got in the way of the short stories that it was supporting, and it was hard to tell them apart. In this fashion, it was actually work to get through this book. I had to like, concentrate or something. It hurt my tiny wittle brain.

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3 of 5 Mind-Controlling-Zombie Stars – Super Anybody by Brent Meske.

I have to say that this book is an improvement over the first book in this series. Just barely. It seemed more real to me. I didn’t even notice the complete absence of profanity. I did, however, notice the continued theme of brilliant skullfucking.

The author of this book assured me that there would be less skullfucking in this book. Something tells me that he’s not very familiar with one of my favorite terms. You see, skullfucking is a true artform. You take a perfectly good story and completely wreck it. And let me tell ya, this author is a real skullfuck artist.

Because the first half of this book is horseshit. So much teenage angst, it nearly made me puke. And oh noes, daddy’s acting weird. And mom’s turned into a complete bitch. Nevermind the fact that there’s a bunch of teenagers running around town with superpowers.

No, that’s not important. Forget that shit. Nothing to see here. See, that’s how you skullfuck a story. Just ignore the good parts, and go on and on about teenage bullshit. Oh, I wonder if that girl likes me. I think I’ll have some coffee. My dad’s banging my teacher… Who the fuck cares?

This book is about an entire town being mind controlled by some evil asshole. He wants to activate all the angsty teens, so their new-found superpowers will cause complete chaos, and destroy the city. Okay, fine, when do we get to that part? Does the book start there, or does it take a couple chapters to get going?

Fuck no, the book doesn’t start there. The book drags on and on for over 100 pages, before any of that cool shit starts to happen. And that’s when our so-called protagonist, Michael, finally gets his powers. He can do some kind of mind control shit. And he has strange visions.

And then he dies. Because, he’s a fucking idiot. But he’s not really dead. Or something. So he does some sort of zombie mind-control, or astral-projection, or something to try and help his friends battle the bad guy.

I don’t get this. The entire series of these books are centered around dumbass Michael. So why kill him? Or disable him at all? He’s the jackass who’s supposed to carry the story forward, goddamnit. What the fuck? Even though the kid is a useless cunt most of the time, he’s still the primary character. So to me, his so-called death just stalled the story. And for why? I have no fucking idea.

Then, Michael wakes up, just in time to have his epic showdown with Voldemort. Seriously, that’s totally what this story reminds me of. Michael had an encounter with this Voldemort character, when he was just a wee lad. The Voldemort guy tried to take away Michael’s powers then, but failed. Just like fucking Harry Potter.

I say that this story is an improvement over the first, just because the second half of this book was actually worth reading. It finally became a fun adventure. It actually un-skullfucked itself into a decent story for a second or two.

But then, out of fucking nowhere, the skullfucking returns, and Michael climbs a tower and fucking kills himself. For no apparent reason. What the fuck, man? Everyone knows that Michael is going to return. It’s just not shocking anymore, after he died the first time.

Wait… That was Michael’s father Michael who climbed the tower and tried to kill himself. I’m so fucking confused right now. Why the bloody fuck are so many people in this book named Michael?

I get that the author is just trying to set up his next book in the series. But that just pisses me off. I’m only going to read the next book if these books are actually good, not because of a goddamn cliffhanger.

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3 of 5 Look-Who’s-Talking-Now Stars – Allegiant by Veronica Roth.

Shortly after starting this book, I got worried. I started to think that Tris was most certainly going to die. It was the only explanation for why the perspective kept jumping around from Tris, to Four, to some other jackass…

I mean, the first two books were written in the first person, from the Tris perspective. And then this book, jumping around from one perspective to another, was not only annoying as fuck, but it was very telling as to what’s going to happen to the narrator of the other books. She’s going to fucking die. There’s no other explanation for the other perspectives.

If you can get past these bullshit perspectives, and just try to enjoy the actual story in the book, it’s actually a decent book. There’s lots of action. There’s betrayal. Love gained, and love lost. A jail break. And finally, the death of the most annoying whiney-ass bitch, the angst-ridden Tris. Thank god.

This story centers around a rebellion. The people who call themselves the Allegiant. They are determined to get back to their old way of life. Where they’re all sorted into factions. So, I guess the Allegiant just want to go back to being mindless drones. Wow. So rebellious.

This book is also about finding out the truth about their society. How it came to be. What really are the Divergent? I mean, are they trying to get rid of the Divergent people, or are they, in fact, the reason for the whole society in the first place?

The description of how their walled-up society came to be is just fucking retarded. The Purity Wars? Seriously? There was a war about who’s genetically pure, and who’s supposedly flawed? That’s just silly. Then again, there have been wars about sillier things. Like religion. And slavery.

And yes, the Divergent are, in fact, the chosen ones. They are the genetically pure ones. But, unfortunately, it turns out that Four isn’t a real Divergent. He’s just slightly Divergent. So, he’s still flawed. So he and Tris break up, because who wants to be with someone who’s flawed. Awwww. So sad.

But don’t worry. They get back together, just before she dies. Because, drama and shit. The stupid thing is, there really was no need for her to die. I really don’t get it. In fact, I think the story would have been much better if she lived. Oh well. One less whiney-ass bitch.

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3 of 5 Reasons-To-Write-Fanfic Stars – Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James.

I don’t understand all the controversy over this book. Yes, it’s porn. Big fucking deal. Oh, but it’s bondage porn. Again, big fucking deal. Some people are into that shit. So what? If nobody is really hurt, and it’s consensual, what’s the problem?

This book is about some stupid bitch who falls in love with some rich asshole. He’s a sociopath. He doesn’t like to be touched. He likes control. And apparently, he hates women. Or at least that’s what I get from his character. He has a strong need to control and punish women.

I have to wonder if Ana would have fallen for Christian if he was just a regular guy. Just a super hot hunk of a guy that she met at the gym, or something. Would she have gone so far into the lifestyle? Would she have let him torture her so much? Or was it just because Christian is rich as fuck, and can take her on wonderous adventures?

You know what really drove me crazy about this book? The fact that he kept calling her ‘Baby’. And he kept passionately kissing her. Hell, he even ate out her sloppy cunt, and made her cum over and over. This is not what a Dominant does. This is what a lover does. So, I really don’t understand his character at all.

His actions say that he loves her. But he still doesn’t want her to touch him. And he still wants more than anything, to see her in pain. He wants to see those welts on her ass. And at the same time, he’s calling her fucking ‘Baby’. What the fuck? It doesn’t make any sense at all.

I was happy to see that in the end, she left him. After he really hurt her. She finally realized that hurting her was what he wanted most. He didn’t want love. He wanted punishment, and torture.

I don’t know where the hell the story can go from here. Is Christian going to learn to love, or is Ana going to finally turn into the slave girl he always wanted? Who knows. Part of me wants Ana to be the filthy slave girl. But another part of me wants to see Ana show up to Christian’s house and violently rape him in the ass with a huge black strap-on dildo. Yeah, that’d be sweet.

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3 of 5 Chilled-Butt-Hole Stars – White Walker by Richard Schiver

I’m pretty sure that all call centers are some form of hell. I mean, every time I get a telemarketing call, I politely listen to their pitch. I even ask questions. Like, “Oh really? And how long is this offer available? No way! You’ve got to be kidding me…” Then, after they are sure the sale is imminent, I say “Just kidding, man. Go fuck yourself!” and abruptly hang up on ’em. Good times, man.

This book is about a call center that’s surrounded by a wicked snow storm. How the fuck all the characters in this book actually got to work during such a storm, is anyone’s guess. I mean, if you’re working at a goddamn call center, wouldn’t you look for ANY fucking reason to stay home?

Seriously, if it was snowing, there’s no fucking way I’m dragging my stupid ass to a goddamn call center. I’m calling in, that’s for sure. “Umm, yeah… My car is like stuck. There’s just no way I can get there, man. So sorry.” Because, fuck that job. It’s hell.

Apparently, along with the storm came the Devil. Or at least that’s what he seems like to me. He roams the streets looking for prey. Looming in the shadows of the storm. He offers one woman the life of her dreams, in exchange for her first born child. And he burns down a schoolhouse, with the teacher and children still inside.

But wait, the children don’t want to cross over to heaven or hell, or whatever the fuck. So they haunt the call center? Yeah, that makes sense. The children haunt the call center, and introduce themselves to random call center employees. This is the fun part, because when the children touch a living soul, that guy burns to the ground. Like full-on face melting shit.

The Devil, or snow monster, or White Walker, whatever you want to call him… He comes to the call center to retrieve the children that didn’t cross over to hell. And the unborn child that he was promised. Because everyone at this call center is fucking each other. Even though it’s totally against company policy. Like that stops anybody from fucking. Come on…

The best part of this book is the ending. Teddy (who the fuck names a ‘hero’ Teddy?) and his girlfriend flee the ravaging snow storm, and move the fuck to Florida. Because fuck snowstorms. That’s fucking awesome. He’s sitting on a beach, sipping a cool drink and thinking, Fuck those idiots that died in that call center. Now that’s some kind of hero, right there.

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3 of 5 Perfectly-Normal Stars – So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish by Douglas Adams.

To me, this book marks the descent into normalcy for Douglas Adams. It’s a pity, really. Because the other Hitchhiker books are beyond crazy. They’re bat-shit insane, in the best possible way.

This book isn’t really about the crazy antics of Ford and Arthur. It’s about Arthur falling in love with Fenchurch. Who names their kid Fenchurch? Honestly. It’s fucking weird.

So, Arthur gets dropped off on Earth. He hitchhikes, and gets picked up by Fenchurch, and her brother. After he’s dropped off, Arthur gets completely obsessed with Fenchurch, for some fucked up reason.

He keeps finding connections to her. Or inventing connections to her. Whatever. It just continues his obsession with her, until he finally finds her, and they fuck. Oh, I’m sorry. They ‘make love’ while flying over London.

Because, the secret to flying is to aim at the ground and miss. It helps to have a distraction, just as you’re about to smash into the pavement. So, Arthur teaches Fenchurch his little trick, and they fly around town all happy and shit.

Just kill me, man. Just shoot me in the fucking head. I can’t stand it when characters are happy. It’s fucking infuriating. Where’s the goddamn conflict, man? Come on. I mean, this is a world with aliens. The triple-breasted whore of Eroticon-6. Zaphod, for fuck’s sake.

It’s an amazing world, that Adams has created, and he just fucking wasted it on this book. It fucking pisses me off so much.

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