Archive for the ‘3 Star Reviews’ Category

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3 of 5 Stars – Samantha by K  Morris.

I’m not a fan of how British people write. Since I’m just a retarded American, by ‘British’, I mean anyone who lives in Europe. They spell things weird. They use different punctuation. They say “I went to University” or “I went to Hospital”. I’m sorry, but that shit ain’t right. It’s “the University” or “the hospital”, you limey fucks.

That’s really my biggest complaint about this story. All the Britishness kept shining through, and it distracted me from the story. Frankly, it pissed me off. Because the story is about a hot-ass whore in Liverpool. Sure, she isn’t a whore by choice, but who is, really. Most girls don’t long to be a whore when they grow up. They’re thrust (heh, I said ‘thrust’) into the profession in one way or another.

That was the first, but not the last cliche in this story. Like, oh noes, will her non-John boyfriend find out that she’s a whore? Of course he will. But will he just forgive her, so they can get on with their lovely life? Will they fall in love, get married, have little whore babies? No fucking way. She’s a whore, for fuck’s sake.

But she’s also practically royalty. Her father is a goddamn lord. Can you believe that shit? A lord has a whore for a daughter. Sweet. I bet he’s really proud. Probably sent her to the best whore school. Hired her a good whore tutor. Helped her with her whore homework. Okay, that’s a bit gross.

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3 of 5 Why-Bother Stars – Griffin’s Story by Steven Gould.

I didn’t read the first Jumper book, because I saw the Jumper movie, ‘starring’ that talentless hack Hayden Christensen. A friend of mine recommended this book, and I decided it was worth a try. And it was, kind of.

This is the story of Griffin, of course. He’s a Jumper. Someone who can teleport anywhere, by just thinking about it. No technological gadget required. Just some natural ability he has.

For some reason, this Jumping ability is seen as a threat to National Security. So, there’s this secret organization who hunt Jumpers. They’re called ‘Paladins’, for whatever reason. And they’re nasty motherfuckers. They kill pretty much anyone who has anything to do with a jumper. They killed Griffin’s parents. They killed his friends. And they’re threatening to kill his girlfriend.

This all started when Griffin was only 10 years old, when they killed his parents. Like he’s fucking Spider-Man, or something. So, he jumped away to Mexico, where some nice people found him, and fixed him up. He spent several years in Mexico, living a secret life. Until the Paladins showed up and killed his friends.

Griffin spends the rest of the book systematically hunting down the Paladins one by one. He shows up, grabs one of them, jumps them to a cliff, and shoves them off. Then he grabs the next one, and jumps them to fucking France, or some other far away place. Because, he can.

The problem with this story is, there’s nothing the Paladins can do to capture Griffin. What’s the fucking point in chasing him, if there’s nothing you can do, once you find him. He’s just gonna jump away. So, unless you have something to stop him from jumping, you’re wasting your fucking time.

The Paladins seem to have an ability to sense when Griffin is jumping, which is how they end up finding him over and over. But still… It’s pointless to even track him, if there’s no way to stop him. This is what made the book kind of pointless to me. It’s like trying to stop Superman.

Because, even if you capture Griffin, he’s just going to jump away, immediately. There’s nothing the Paladins can do, save shooting him in the fucking face. But they never get that chance, because Griffin is there one moment, and gone the next.

So the problem is, there’s no real conflict. Because you know that Griffin is going to win. He’s always going to get away. So I’m not sitting on the edge of my seat wondering, oh my God, they’re going to catch him! What happens if they catch him? Holy shit, they might torture him and shit. Cool.

There’s none of that wondering, because he’s just going to jump away. There’s just no suspense at all. The ending is pretty goddamn simple. In fact, the last sentence of the novel is ‘I jumped’.

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3 of 5 Huge-Horse-Cock Stars – Taking the Reins by Katrina Abbott.

The author of this book sent me a free copy and assured me that I would hate it. Well, goddamnit, I didn’t. I expected to hate it, not because the author told me that I would, but because I’m not a fan of romance novels at all. In fact, I avoid them like the plague. I can’t fucking stand romance novels.

I hate them because, for the most part, they’re just cardboard characters doing stupid things for love. Well, this book doesn’t have any cardboard characters. The characters are real, full of life, and even unpredictable. I never knew what they were going to do. I tried predicting the outcome, and failed at every turn.

This story is about a teenage girl named Brooklyn who’s sent to a boarding school, because her parents had too much money, and frankly, they’re bored of her. So, they shipped her off to America, all the way from London, because the farther teenagers are away from their parents, the better.

Brooklyn gets the most awesome roommate. She’s a rich e-commerce girl, named Emmie, who gives away everything she owns to charity, because her parents are such wealthy fucks, that they find the idea of charity offensive. So, when Emmie gives things away, she’s actually just being a rebel, like every other goddamn teenager. But it’s definitely a unique way of rebellion.

Unfortunately, this book isn’t about Brooklyn and Emmie’s torrid gay love affair. I was hoping for it, that’s for sure. They had such chemistry. They belonged together, goddamnit.

Instead, the story is about horses, and their huge cocks. And one boy’s love affair with his sexy horse. Wait, no it’s not. Sorry. Again, that’s what I hoped it would be about. Because, at one point, it’s made clear that one boy does like his horse way too much. So, who knows what happens behind the closed barn, right? I mean, I’m just saying… That guy is totally fucking his horse when nobody is looking.

And then there’s the panty raid. At least 1/3 of this book is dedicated to a panty raid. The boys from the all-boy school down the road, sneak in and steal the undies from the all-girl school. Then, the girls go steal the boy’s undies, because what else is there to do?

Goddamnit. That’s not 1/3 of a book. That’s a chapter. Maybe two. I can only read so much about panty stealing. I mean, maybe if they had stuck the girl panties up a horse’s ass. Or tied up one of the boys with girl panties, and sexually tortured him with a riding crop. That may have been worth 80 pages or so. But not just panty stealing. Come on…

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3 of 5 Scorched-Ass Stars – The Scorch Trials by James Dashner.

This is the second book in The Maze Runner series, and it actually includes some answers to some of the unanswered questions from the first book. Like, why was the maze built? Who, or what is WICKED, and how are they good?

In this book, The Lord of the Flies boys are introduced to the organization that is WICKED. The purpose behind the maze experiment is somewhat explained. But then, WICKED continues their wicked ways, by sending the Flies boys on yet another experiment.

They are to survive the desert, hence the ‘Scorch Trials’ title. Monsters are thrown at them, just like in the maze, but this time the monsters can come at any time, during the day or night.

And there’s the scavengers. The survivors of the plague, which seem to be living in a Mad Max kind of apocalyptic world. These scavengers attack the Flies boys. They’re especially interested in the boy’s one female member.

Of course, the Flies boys escape, along with their token female. And, they’re off to yet another forced challenge of the desert.

This whole book seemed forced to me. It’s like the author didn’t really want to come up with any answers to the questions posed in The Maze Runner. It was supposed to be a stand-alone book, dammit.

But then the publishers pushed him into writing these other books. So, he just pulled some answers out of his ass, and said, “There. Now leave me the fuck alone.”

Unfortunately, the publishers didn’t leave him alone, because even after the Maze Runner series, he had to write a prequel book called The Kill Order.

Talk about a disappointment. The prequel is so much worse than the Maze Runner series. It’s complete garbage. It’s like Mr. Dashner here decided to fuck with the publishers. Like, “I’ll just write total shit, then they can’t publish it. Haa ha! I’ve got you fucking publishers now!”

But, joke’s on him. Because they fucking published that shit too. Whatever you do, don’t read The Kill Order. It completely ruined anything that was good about the Maze Runner series.

And don’t read this fucking book either. The Scorch Trials just muddy the waters. It dilutes a perfectly good idea, and turns it to shit.

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3 of 5 Slutty-Mary-Kay Stars – Island of the Sequined Love Nun by Christopher Moore.

This book was an interesting study of ‘What would you do for money’? Would you sell your soul to the devil? Would you help harvest organs from an unassuming group of innocent islanders? Would you create a religion, so those islanders would be happy to be ‘chosen’, and jump up on the operating table willingly?

This is the story of the wild adventures of Tucker Case. He’s an asshole. A womanizer. A drunken airplane pilot, who just happens to find himself a whore who wants to get fucked in the cockpit, at 10,000 feet. Of course, Tuck is eager to oblige, and ends up crashing his boss’s Lear jet in the process.

He also manages to impale himself on one of the levers in the cockpit, which shot directly through his scrotum, and out his penis. Good times. He’s laid up at the hospital for a few weeks, while his boss, Mary Kay – I mean, Mary Jean – tries to stop the police from filing criminal charges against him. I mistook her for Mary Kay, because that’s obviously who she’s based on. I mean, come on… She runs a cosmetic company, and flies in a gaudy pink Lear jet.

While Tuck is resting, he receives a letter from a doctor, who lives and operates on a small island in the South Pacific. The Doc offers Tuck a job, to fly another Lear jet. Even though he is well aware that Tuck’s pilot licence had been revoked. Doc assures Tuck that it doesn’t matter, as long as Tuck is able to fly the jet.

Then starts the long, unfortunate journey to the island. At least 100 pages were aloted to this journey, as flights get delayed, and hurricanes arrive, and tranny whores assure Tuck that she/he can get him to the island licketey split, on a small boat that he/she just procured.

Finally, Tuck and his tranny whoe arrive at the island, only to be stringed up in a tree, doused with pepper and salt, in preparation to be cooked and eaten by the hungry natives. But, after a while, it turns out that the old native that stared at them, hanging from the tree and simply uttered “Yum,” was just kidding.

Tuck and his tranny friend get released, and Tuck finally gets to meet the Doc that hired him. Then, he finds out that the Doc, and his wife are worshiped by the local natives as Gods. And the whole plot thing kicks in, where the Doc is actually harvesting the organs of these natives, getting paid $500k for each goddamn kidney.

Tuck is expected to fly these kidneys to Japan, and collect the fee. Bla bla bla, conflict, conflict, conflict… The story really does get a bit dull and boring in the middle.

Until Tuck is exiled from the island by the Doc. So of course, Tuck ends up rescuing all the natives from the island. He steals a 747 from a airport at Hawaii, like you do. Takes off on the runway, as the tower protests, tuck streaming into his mic, “Go ahead, try and stop me, motherfuckers!” But he didn’t say ‘motherfuckers’, because that would have been awesome, and this book really isn’t that awesome.

He rescues all the natives, and flies them off to Costa Rica. Whooptie-freaking-doo. Everyone’s happy, in the end, except for the Doc, and his ‘Priestess’ wife. Because, not only did Tuck fly off with all their willing victims, but he also blew up their clinic, which just happened to house the Priestess’ awesome shoe collection.

Overall, this book kept me reading, because of the constant conflict. Tuck was always getting in trouble. The only problem was, there were always people that helped him get out of trouble. He was never really left to solve anything for himself. Conflict is great, except when there’s an obvious answer to it. With this book, there was never a question of ‘Will he get out of this one’? Because, of course he will.

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3 of 5 Whiney-Ass-Bitch Stars – It’s Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini.

This book really hit home for me. Like a lot of teenagers, when I was 15, I was suicidal as fuck. One time, I had the shotgun out of the closet. Loaded it. Put it up to my mouth. Then, I heard the front door open. My mom got home. Shit. So, I put the gun back, and pretended that nothing was wrong.

This book is about 15 year old Craig, who is much more depressed than I ever was. In fact, he’s probably schizophrenic, because he hears voices and shit. He thinks about jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, but instead, he goes home and calls the suicide hotline.

They tell him to go to the hospital. Just check in at the emergency room, and tell them you’re fucking suicidal. So, he does. And he gets sent to the adult mental ward, because the children’s ward is being renovated, or some shit. They get him back on his meds, and he starts feeling a wee bit better.

The problem I have with this book, is the first half is completely worthless. It’s just Craig whining like a little bitch. Awww. School is hard. People don’t like me. OMG, I got a 93% on a test. My life is over. Jesus fucking christ, man. Get over yourself.

The book doesn’t really get interesting until he checks himself into the mental ward. Then, all the crazy characters come out to play. And, for some reason, all the girls want to fuck him. I mean, seriously. The girls in the ward want to fuck him. The girls from school suddenly want to fuck him. What the fuck?

There’s nothing fuckable about this guy. He’s just some random fucked-up teenager. Okay, he does get more interesting when he starts doing his drawings. He gets all sensitive and shit. Hell, I kind of wanted to fuck him during that part of the story.

And, by the way, it’s not a funny story at all. Not in the slightest. If anything, it’s depressing as fuck. Well, until near the end, when he finally gets some inspiration to actually change his life. Then it at least gets hopeful. But funny? It was never funny.

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3 of 5 Dirty-Slut Stars –  d4 by Sherrie Cronin.

This book has the stupidest title. I mean, ‘d4’? What the fuck does that even mean? If someone is browsing through amazon, looking for a book to read, why the fuck would they even click on that title? It’s meaningless. It doesn’t tell me anything about the book. I don’t know how this author is able to sell any copies of this book. Maybe there’s a subliminal ‘FREE BEER’ message hidden on the cover.

This book is about a dirty slut named Ariel, who works as a liaison for an investment firm, which develops software and hardware for investors who make high frequency trades. I know, every part of that sentence is boring as shit, except for the ‘dirty slut’ part. Ariel is not, in fact, a mermaid, as one would surely assume (because of The Little Mermaid, duh). But she does have a special gift. She can see the future.

Big fucking deal. Everyone in this goddamn book has some kind of amazing gift. Most have some kind of precognition, but others can astral-project, or communicate telepathically, or even morph into a completely different person. But here’s the problem: none of them do a goddamn thing with their amazing abilities. Okay, one guy does, but because of it, he’s seen as the book’s only villain. He uses his future-telling ability to make tons of dough in the stock market. Come on… I mean, anyone with that kind of ability would do the same fucking thing.

One of the reasons that Ariel is such a dirty slut is that, apparently, precogs can enhance their visions by touching each other. Each time she meets one of her clients, she shakes their hands, and immediately recognizes the precog ability. Our villain, Baldur, sees Ariel’s ability as well, and he finds that touching her would make his visions, and his trades, much more accurate.

Of course, he tries to rape her. Because, he’s naughty like that. But mostly, because he absolutely NEEDS her touch to reach his goal of owning the entire world’s wealth. She escapes, because she can see the immediate future. But Baldur is not easily avoided, since he is her best client. So the next time they meet, he slips something in her drink, and takes what he believes is his right.

But he still wants more… So he eventually ends up blackmailing her to be his personal mind-slave.

Then, there’s this whole plot thing. Some precogs are able to see way into the future, and it turns out that in 2352, the human race becomes extinct, from some nasty plague. So, throughout the book, there are several characters who are dedicating their life to find out a solution to the distant future. How to save the human race.

So they go to Mars, as you do. Because, of course, there’s no plague on Mars, right? It’s said that the plague isn’t man made. It’s a natural occurring pathogen. So what makes them think it won’t happen on Mars? I don’t fucking know.

Ariel gets to be Queen Slut of Mars, and everyone ends up happily ever after. Great. Thanks a lot. Now I’ve got to go write some goddamn Little Mermaid fanfic, where people actually use their fucking super-powers.

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3 of 5 Selfish-Cunt Stars – Every Day by David Levithan.

This is a very compelling love story. Unfortunately, that’s all it is. A love story. With its premise of an entity who wakes up in a different teenage body every day, it could have been so much more than a love story.

This entity, named simply ‘A’, wakes up one day as an asshole jock who just happens to have a sweet, beautiful girlfriend. A falls instantly in love with said girlfriend, and takes her on a fabulous, unforgettable journey to the beach.

And so begins their strange affair. As A wakes up the next day as a 16 year old girl, all she can think about is Rhiannon, the girlfriend from the day before. So, A begins to insert herself into Rhiannon’s life. Every time she/he wakes up as a different person, she finds a way to get back to Rhiannon’s life.

Eventually, A tells Rhiannon the incredible story of her so-called life. About waking up as a different person every goddamn day. And A explains the love she feels for Rhiannon, how she desperately needs to be part of Rhiannon’s life. Of course, Rhiannon has a hard time believing such a crazy story. But she finally does accept it, as A turns up every day as a different teenager.

It really is a fascinating story, because every day, A has to find a way to get back to Rhiannon. And Every day, Rhiannon has to wrestle with the idea of loving an entity. Loving a soul, while trying to ignore the human package it’s wrapped in.

It was kind of funny, when A turned up to see Rhiannon as a 300 pound fat-ass geek-boy. It was kind of hard for Rhiannon to see the soul of A, when she/he was wrapped up in such an unattractive package.

This story was an interesting study in sexuality, because A could wake up as a girl or a boy, and it never really mattered to he/she. A still wanted the same things. Still attracted to Rhiannon as much as the day before. Hell, they even kissed as both boy and girl.

One time, A woke up naked, in the arms of another girl. And it was beautiful. There was so much love, and nakedness, and sweet girl-on-girl action. I think I even got a mild chubby, reading that bit.

But, there was this whole sub-plot, where one boy that A inhabited actually woke up thinking he had been possessed by the devil. And, it got spread all over the internet, and the tabloids. THE DEVIL IS AMONG US! And there was this preacher who went on an on about the whole devil possession thing.

A goes to meet the preacher, and finds out that he’s in fact the same type of entity. Or something. It didn’t really make much sense. It was like the author had this idea, about the demon possession thing, and just forgot about it or something. Because that could have made this story much more than just a love story.

Because, A finds out that not only are there others out there just like her/him, but that it is actually possible to keep the body you woke up in, instead of switching to another at midnight. So, A could actually have a life together with Rhiannon.

But no. Instead, she runs away to another city, so she will never see Rhiannon again. Because she/he doesn’t want to steal another person’s life. I don’t fucking get it. This whole goddamn story is about A trying to find a way to have a love life with Rhiannon. As soon as she discovers a way to make it happen, she just abandons it, and runs away.

What the actual FUCK? The ending just negates the whole fucking story. It’s fucking bullshit. This whole time A is struggling to get together with Rhiannon. It’s the love she/he’s always wanted. And then, it’s just ended? What a crying shame.

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3 of 5 Sick-As-Fuck Stars – The House by Edward Lee.

I’m usually not very fond of haunted house books. They’re just not that scary, or offensive at all. But that can’t be said about this book. It’s scary as fuck. And OMG is it brutally offensive in every way.

I had just finished reading The Pig, and figured, what the fuck, I might as well read this book, which is the story of what becomes of the farm house that The Pig was set in. Because the end of The Pig was quite horrific. So of course, The House is haunted as fuck.

It’s 30 years later, and geek-nerd Melvin has been sent to The House, to write a piece for the newspaper, about life in rural, upstate New York. Sounds simple enough. He drives to the house with his new hot-as-fuck stepmom. His dad says she’s got the best tits in New York, and soon enough, Melvin gets to see them with his own eyes.

Because shit gets crazy, and his new stepmom ends up banging a whole biker gang, because apparently she’s possessed by one of the whores that used to live in the house 30 years earlier. So, Melvin spies on his stepmom, while she bangs a bunch of bikers. While some other whore’s foot is deep in her ass.

Melvin watches, as his stepmom eats someone’s fresh, steaming shit, off a pool table, as she’s banged in the ass by more biker guys. So this book is pretty standard Edward Lee porn. But, I have to say, it’s a bit more original that usual. I’ve read several of his books, and this is the first time I’ve read about some hot bitch getting fucked in the ass, then pissed in the ass, then squirting chocolate syrup into her ass, to make a nice chocolate piss shake.

It’s amazing to me that nerdy Melvin remains a 30 year old virgin, throughout all the debauchery happening around him. Hell, a whore even offers to suck him off for 20 bucks. She even offers her pussy to him instead, but he just keeps getting distracted by all the horrifying visions from the haunted house.

I get it man, it’s pretty sick and twisted, what happened in that house. But come on… Get your priorities straight. Fuck that whore. Bang that pussy. Pop that cherry. Then, and only then, should you worry about all the crazy visions from that fucked up house. Just sayin’.

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3 of 5 Dead Pigeon Stars – Tito’s Dead by Dermott Hayes.

I feel like I’ve read this book before. Maybe it’s because it reads like a fucking Guy Ritchie film. But with less humor. Well, no humor, in fact. It’s very dry, as Brits are wont to be. That doesn’t make it bad, per se. I mean, take the humor out of Snatch, and it would still be a kick-ass movie.

This book is the story of Tito, or at least, I wish it was the story of Tito. Because, Tito had quite the rich, and interesting life. Tito worked for the mob. How can you not, with a name like ‘Tito’, right? He dealt with whores, and drug dealers, and ruthless smugglers.

Unfortunately, most of this story happens after Tito’s death. But, at least his death was not in vain. See, Tito knew that he was in trouble. He knew that, sooner or later, he’d get off’d by the mob. So, in case of his death, he left a package to be delivered to a local newspaper man, which contained his life story, along with a ledger of the mob’s business.

No, this book isn’t about Tito’s rich and interesting life. It’s about mobsters trying to find the package. And crooked cops, murdering anyone who got in their way. And an Arab diplomat, who just happens to be a terrorist. Because, all Arabs are terrorists, right? Sure they are.

The problem with this book is, it’s NOT a Guy Ritchie film. There’s no vibrant characters at all. Every so-called ‘character’, if you can even call them that, is just plain cardboard. Okay, some aren’t cardboard, they’re straight-up stereotypes instead. Even Tito, who was really the most interesting guy in the story, was still just a cardboard cutout of a character. It’s sad, really.

Overall, this book had a decent story, albeit poorly told. I didn’t care for the author’s style, at all. The lack of actual characters to give a shit about really pissed me off. And the fact that the story was predictable as fuck after the first 100 pages or so, didn’t help the case.

And then there’s the fucking pigeons… Don’t get me started on the goddamn pigeons in this book. Tito’s pet pigeon. The mob guy who’s called The Pigeon. The old lighthouse that’s commonly referred to as ‘The Pigeon House’. The postcard that the dead Tito had in his pocket, that was signed by ‘Paddy the Pigeon’. It goes on and on about these motherfucking pigeons.

I don’t fucking care about the pigeons. They don’t have a goddamn thing to do with this story. And yet, the word ‘pigeon’ is literally used in this book over 100 fucking times. Just for that, the next time I see a fucking pigeon, I’m going to shoot it in its stupid fucking face. Because, fuck pigeons.

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