Archive for the ‘4 Star Reviews’ Category

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4 of 5 Never-Ending-Story Stars – The Curse of Senapin by Daniel Waltz.

Holy shit, this book was long as fuck. 529 goddamn pages. What really pissed me off was the fact that they weren’t useless filler pages. All those fucking pages were filled with actual story, man. It drove me crazy. I tried skipping like twenty pages and had to go back to find out what the fuck happened. Because this book is fucking relentless with its world-building and story-telling. It just wouldn’t let up.

This is the second book in The Water Travelers series. It’s about A-A-Ron and his love pal, Madi, who end up on an endless adventure because A-A-Ron gets horrible blue balls one night, while laying next to his cold-as-a-fish girlfriend. I mean, you can only lay there for so long, staring at those sleeping boobies, and tight ass, until you have to excuse yourself and spew jizz all over the bathroom mirror.

Once A-A-Ron wipes down the mirror, he decides to go on a walkabout to a pond nearby, because he just has to know if he can still travel through water. You see, in the first book, these two love-birds thought they had destroyed the magic orb that was supposed to control the ability to water travel from Earth to A-A-Ron’s homeland. So, he just had to know…

And is promptly captured on the other side. Because his family fucking hates his guts, because he’s a goddamn traitor to his kind. He was supposed to kill the girl, for fuck’s sake, not dry hump her face. Goddamn teenagers these days… So yea, he’s captured, and tortured. Well, not really tortured, because he’s still the fucking prince. But still, he had to endure all the bitching and moaning. All the, “I expected so much more from you…” bullshit.

Madi wakes up and finds A-A-Ron missing. Oh noes! But she comes downstairs to find her granny’s ex boyfriend chatting away over breakfast. And apparently, granny is a water traveler whore as well, because this guy is also some big and important water-traveler alien. And he helps Madi travel through the pond to go rescue the guy she sort of likes. Because, whatevs. I guess we can save A-A-Ron.

Harsh words were spoken, but eventually Madi and the granny banger escape with A-A-Ron, and they meet up with some sort of wizard, or keeper, or god, or whatever. Who knows. The guy is like a narrator to the story. He knows everything and explains all the lore that doesn’t make any sense to any reasonable person.

Because seriously, this book was written on crack, I swear. The wizard explains to the group of travelers that their land is cursed, and they must find the cure. But what is the curse? I mean, does it like kill people and shit? Oh, no. That’d be kind of cool. No, the curse is nothing. It’s bullshit, really. It’s just like people will say that you’re hot-tempered. Well, that’s just the curse. Or maybe you’re ugly. Yeah, if it wasn’t for this curse, you’d be sexy as fuck. Yeah, right. Bullshit.

And what is the cure for this curse? Something good. Yeah. This lore-master wizard explains to the group that they must find something good. This will cure the land of this horrible curse that isn’t really a curse. Something good? Seriously? This is a damn fine sammich, but I don’t think it’s gonna cure no curses, man.

So then they travel to a flying forest, filled with monkey people. I told you this book was written on crack. Many battles ensue with monsters and giants and monster giants and flying bat people. Then a huge giant cat-frog descends from the heavens and saves everyone. Well, he’ll save them if they’ve got some cat food, that is.

There’s so much happening in this book, it would take me three hundred pages just to write a proper synopsis for fuck’s sake. I mean there was a hot air balloon ride. A hostage negotiation with a billionaire. An epic gladiator battle in a huge colosseum, old Roman style. It just goes on and on. And it’s fucking awesome.

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4 of 5 Cycle-Of-Abuse Stars – Tears of Innocence by T. R. Robinson.

I really hated the first part of this book. And I was torn because of it. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to critique a book about a girl getting raped during WWII? Not to mention getting raped by just about every other man she ever met. Including her goddamn relatives. It was relentless, all the rape and violence.

It took a while to get there, though. To get to the violence, that is. Because that was what I was looking for. Because I’m a sick and twisted fuck. The whole family thing, with her losing her mother, and being moved from house to house… I just didn’t really care.

But then the rape and torture kicked in, and I found myself being glued to the pages of this book. Not just because they were covered with my jizz, mind you. I mean, the story became very real. Because this is an autobiography of sorts, so these things actually happened to this girl. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Her misery just went on and on, like there was no end to it at all.

One thing about this girl that really drove me nuts was the fact that during all her rape and torture, she always called out to God. Why, God? Save me, God. Oh, please, KILL ME GOD! Like he’s some guy watching the whole thing from the clouds and encouraging the rapists. “Oh yeah, that’s good. Get deep in that ass. Yeah.”

Like the world is God’s very own real-life PornHub, or something. Never once did this girl think that there was no God looking after her. He faith never wavered. I don’t know if I’d call that completely retarded, stupid, insane, or just plain brave as fuck. I mean, how is God going to save you? If you believe that God has control over what happens to you, then why’d he let you get captured in the first place? Oh, right. Because, porn.

The girl doesn’t really escape her Nazi captors, she’s just thrown out with the other corpses. I guess they thought she was dead, or something. Maybe they got tired of sloppy 32nds. I mean you can only sodomize a fifteen year old girl for so long, before it just gets way too sloppy. They didn’t even touch the vag. Because, ewww. The vag is gross, man. That thing could eat you alive. Fuck that.

Some nice people find this young girl, moaning amongst the other zombies in the pile, and they pull her out from under the corpses, and take her home and mend her up. And then, they leave. They seemed so nice. But the fucking Nazis are coming, man. Fuck this girl. She can take care of her own damned self. Talk about not-so-good Samaritans.

The girl wanders around the countryside, getting raped and beaten by everyone she meets. By the Nazis, and the resistance alike. Because apparently, this is her lot in life. To get abused. So she just continues the trend. It’s all she knows. By this point, she figures getting raped in the ass, and beaten to a pulp is just what guys did. It’s just normal, right? The beatings are the foreplay, yes?

So she ends up marrying a complete asshole. Who beats the living shit out her even BEFORE they get married. Before? Seriously? Come on, man. What the fuck is wrong with women? If he beats you before you get married, why the fuck would he stop once you’re married? Because after marriage, you’re his, to do with as he wishes. Before marriage, he’s just some asshole. But now, he’s your asshole. Congratulations, you fucking idiot.

I liked this story because it was so real. It wasn’t real because it’s supposedly a true story. It was real, because I’ve known women like this. This shit actually happens. Okay, there’s not usually Nazis involved, but still… It happens. And it’s fucking sad.

I hope all women read this fucking book, and learn a thing or two. Say no, for fuck’s sake. Leave the motherfucker. Kick him in the balls. Buy a motherfucking shotgun. You don’t have to live with abuse. And never ever think you can change a man. Because men don’t change. They just get worse.

Well, except for me, of course. I tried to choke my wife once, when we were first married. She promptly punched me in the face. I’ve been scared to death of her ever since. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. And yes, she’s kicked me in the balls more times than I can count. You know, for fun.

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4 of 5 Super-Shart Stars – Dissimilar Shorts 4 by J.B. Taylor.

Sometimes I watch Ghost Hunters, just for a good laugh. Because that show really is retarded. And every fucking time I watch it, I hope to Christ that some actual ghost would jump out and gang-rape the shit out of those guys. Because that would be fucking hysterical.

The first story in this book is about just such a scene. A TV show goes to investigate a haunted house, and end up getting gang-raped by a little girl with an axe. A ghost axe, of course. And damn, if that little girl isn’t evil as fuck. I totally want to keep her in my basement, on a very short leash. For science!

Okay, maybe she’s not really evil. She’s just lonely. And killing more people gets more ghosts stuck in her house. More people to have tea with. More people to torture. And more screams! It’s always good to get more screams. Screams are her life-blood. It’s what she lives for. Crazy ass little girl.

The other story in this book is about super-heroes. Retarded super-heroes, apparently. Because, in the first scene, we find The Judge doing his super-tricks to thwart a bank robbery and save many lives. He can put anyone into a coma with just a thought. And he can fucking teleport anywhere, like that Jumper faggot.

But that’s not why he’s retarded. He’s retarded because the bad guys kidnap his girlfriend, and demand a ransom of 4 MILLION DOLLARZ. Oh noes! I guess I’d better go get that money then. Just rob a few banks, then I get my girl back. Cool. That’d be easy.

But wait, man. What the fuck? You have already shown us your motherfucking super-powers, so why the fuck are you robbing banks to pay these Russian cunts? Just do your thing, and snatch her back. How hard is that? You already did it before, so why are you running around robbing banks to give to the Russians? Have they brain washed you into being their bitch or something? What the actual fuck?

But wait, it gets worse. He meets yet another super-hero while he robs another bank. And she’s just as retarded. They have this whole epic fight scene, and after they’re finally tired of punching each other in the face, The Judge explains to her that he’s only stealing this dough to save a life. His precious girlfriend, who he’s never even fucked yet.

And I totally expected super-girl to respond with something like, “So, use your super-powers, man. Just go get her back, you fucking pussy. Why bother with all this money? Are you like retarded, or something?” But no. She totally went along with his plan, and helped him steal money to get his stupid girlfriend back.

I really did like both of these stories. I had my issues with the second one, but I still liked it. I mean, there was still lots of action and intrigue. And it even made me laugh because it was so fucking retarded. And if something can make you laugh, even if it’s unintentional, it can’t be that bad.

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4 of 5 Fucking-Fuck Stars – The Cause by Roderick Vincent.

It seems like this book was written by a man who hates the government. He longs for rebellion. And I have no idea why. Maybe the government fucked him over with a bogus tax refund. Or maybe Mr. Vincent actually works for the government, and knows first hand how totally fucked up it is.

This book is set in the not too distant future, 2022. That’s not very far away. Nothing can really happen in the United States in seven years that’s going to totally change the nation. We’re not going to starve to death. The country is not going to turn into a police state. It’s just going to be the same old US-Of-Fucking-A.

In this story, the government is so corrupt that it steals from its citizens. There’s no more middle class. You’re either rich as fuck, or you’re a poor-ass bitch, living on the street and sucking cock for one more hit of crack. And in this future, the crack is super-crack. It keeps you high as balls for weeks. Sweet.

So there’s this guy. He doesn’t really have a name. Well, he has like 4 different names, because he’s like a hacker or something. And he’s black, for some reason. And he’s a badass motherfucker. An MMA fighter. And a fresh recruit for the CIA.

After black panther boy finishes his training at the CIA farm, he’s picked up by a super hardcore special forces group. They fly him out to the jungle and beat the living shit out of him. Teach him the Tao of Bullshit. The Zen of hacking. And hardcore Buddha fighting.

It turns out that this special forces group is actually part of The Cause. A group that sets out to destroy the government oppression in the United States. To bring the country back to its principles. To kill a bunch of fucking politicians. And to use the word ‘fuck’ in ways that are just not fucking appropriate.

And I should be the last person to make this fucking accusation. Because I fucking use ‘fuck’ constantly. See how annoying that fucking shit is? You can’t just fucking put ‘fuck’ in a fucking sentence for no fucking reason. Sure, I do that fucking shit all the time, but fuck, man. I write for fucking humor for fuck’s sake.

I did like this book because it had quite a bit of good action. Plenty of killing, which is always a good thing. I mean, they killed people in training for fuck’s sake. That’s hardcore shit. But what I didn’t like was the fact that there was too much training and not enough actual opps.

Seriously, like ninety percent of this book is training. It was good, sure. But the hardcore boot camp didn’t have to go on for that long. Get to the fucking story already. And learn how to use the word ‘fuck’ for fuck’s sake. Damn.

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4 of 5 Robot-Cock Stars – Independence by Alasdair Shaw.

This story is very short. I mean, you can’t really call it a ‘book’ at 28 pages. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is what’s packed into those few pages. And let me tell you, there’s more action and intrigue packed into this story than there is in many full length novels.

It’s about the aftermath of a brutal space battle, where two ships survive. Both of the ships are just barely supporting life, as they are so horribly damaged from the battle. But one of the ships seems to be repairing itself. Like it’s alive or something.

So of course the dumb white people (I have to assume they’re white) from the other ship go to investigate the self-healing ship. And damn. Shit happens, man. The dumb ass white people get gang raped by androids. Then, just for fun, the droids chop the white people into little bits. Like cold cuts.

So yea, robots are evil. I get that, man. But why do the humans have to be so goddamn stupid. I mean, why the fuck are you even investigating this fucking ship? There’s no life signs. There’s nothing on that ship that you need. Just blow (heh, I said blow) the ship to kingdom come (and come!), and get on with your life.

Because you can’t fucking argue with robots, man. They’ll just laugh and shoot you in the face. Because apparently these robots have personality traits, or something. They’re happy to do their job. Burning human flesh makes these droids giggle like little school girls. Sick and twisted school girls.

I liked this story because it was packed with non-stop action. And because I’m a sick and twisted bastard. I love reading about idiots getting what they deserve. And getting fucked by droids with chainsaw dicks was definitely what these dumb white people deserved.

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4 of 5 Alien-Matrix Stars – Reformed by by Anthony Morgan-Clark

This book is described as a short story collection. But it’s not. It’s a novel. And quite a good novel. It’s one of the best sci-fi books I’ve read, and I’ve read quite a few.

The only reason I didn’t give it 5 stars is because of the short story structure. It would have been a better book if it was written as a novel, instead of segments of a novel.

This story is about the future of criminal justice. About pre-crime justice technology. And of course, aliens. You can’t have a sci-fi story without aliens, right?

There’s this guy, Joe, who just got out of prison. He goes to the half-way house to plan his criminal future. Or does he? It seems to me that his whole life could just be a simulation. Because part of the justice system in this future puts repeat criminals into a Deep Sleep. It’s like the Matrix, because the prisoners are suspended in a virtual reality world, where they’re allowed to do their crimes in peace.

And then there’s the pre-crime revolution. Technology that’s developed to determine if someone will become a criminal. Or, if a criminal is likely to repeat his crimes. There’s a whole debate within the justice system about the legality of this technology. Is it fair to put someone in prison just because the technology says they will eventually become a criminal? Sure, you may save some lives. But if that’s the case, you might as well just put everyone in the Matrix. You’ll save even more lives!

But wait, the aliens have invaded the virtual reality. Oh noes! Apparently these aliens aren’t little green men. They’re energy, or something. They travel through the electricity, and troll people on the internet. And then they get bored of trolling, and finally just invade Earth, and destroy everything. Because that’s the only way they know how to save the Earth.

What? Save it? You just fucking destroyed it, you goddamn cocksuckers! What the fuck, man? How is that saving us? Oh, because even more evil aliens are on their way to destroy the Earth. Great. That’s like the best troll ever. Motherfuckers.

So the other evil aliens show up and destroy even more of the Earth. Like it’s some kind of sport. And the Earthlings have finally had enough destruction, so they decide to fuck the Earth. It’s a goddamn wasteland anyway. And they build huge spaceships, and take off to populate some other world.

Or did they? Maybe this whole goddamn story is in the fucking Matrix. Maybe there’s really no aliens. It’s all just Joe’s Matrix fantasy world. Who the fuck knows. All I know is, this is a damn fine book. There’s amazing technology, and fascinating characters. I fucking loved it.

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4 of 5 Naughty-Glenn Stars – The Dark Half by Stephen King.

I got married back in 1989, when this book was first published. I read this book during our tumultuous first year of marriage. Back when there were literally two Glenns. Sweet and innocent Glenn (yeah, right). And bad, naughty, evil Glenn.

So I guess this book hit home with me. Because it’s about a writer who has a dark side of himself that comes out to play at night. I know the feeling. I used to stare at my new wife while she was sleeping and think, I could totally just smother her. Nobody would know. Well, the cats would know. But they wouldn’t tell anyone.

But this book isn’t about a guy who’s gone psycho. It’s about Thad Beaumont, an author who writes about a psycho under the pen name George Stark. The world finds out that Thad is really George. Just like Stephen King was outed as Richard Bachman.

So Thad says, fuck it. He has a funeral for his fucking pen name. He puts the fictional George to rest, and buries an empty casket in the ground with George’s name on it. Because Thad is sick and tired of being second fiddle. He wants to write his own shit. Be known as Thad, the wonder horse, or something. Because, come on man… Thad is like the dumbest name ever.

The fictional George Stark is not too happy about being buried alive. So he busts out of the grave as a real living, breathing asshole. And he goes on a killing spree, as you’d expect. Because that’s how you get the dumb girls. I mean, everyone knows that stupid chicks give the best head. And for some reason they fucking love serial killers.

And there’s a side benefit. Apparently, George has the same fingerprints as Thad. So all the cops are running after Thad for all the gruesome murders. But then, there’s the typical Stephen King clusterfuck…

You see, George being a fictional character that’s come to life is just way too simple for King. He can’t have that. He’s got to make it convoluted as fuck, or it’s just not a King book, now is it?

I loved King’s work back when he was George. I mean Richard Bachman. Because those books were pure. They didn’t have that typical King horseshit. Just good stories, with actual endings.

I liked The Dark Half because there was still a bit of Bachman left in King’s writing. It really was a great story before he had to go and skullfuck it by giving some actual explanation for George, the dark half of Thad the wonder horse.

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4 of 5 Snarky-Wizard Stars – Storm Front by Jim Butcher.

This book is fucking awesome. It’s so witty and funny. And ridiculous. I mean, if you were a wizard, a real wizard, would you really go into business as some kind of private detective? Put an ad in the fucking yellow pages? That’s retarded. And funny as hell.

This book is about Harry Dresden. A professional wizard working in Chicago. He does in fact have an ad in the yellow pages. And a sign on his door that says, “Wizard For Hire!” Like anyone is gonna take that seriously. You might as well put a sign on your door that says, “Crazy Retard For Hire!” Because that’s what people are gonna think. That you’re a crazy retard. Because magic isn’t real. Everyone knows that.

Except that it really is real in this version of Chicago. I mean, nobody knows it’s real, except Harry. But whenever unexplained things start to happen in Chicago, people come to him for help. Because he understands the things that normal people don’t understand. Because he’s a fucking wizard. Deal with it. **SUNGLASSES**

After it’s established that this book is indeed silly as fuck, Harry is hired by some woman who thinks her husband is losing his fucking mind. Harry finds out that the husband isn’t really losing his mind. He’s just high as balls. Magic balls. Of course.

Then Harry gets a call from a chick he totally wants to bang. Karrin Murphy who works for a special ghost-busters unit of the Chicago PD. And also doesn’t know how to fucking spell ‘Karen’. Apparently, she found two dead bodies with their hearts ripped out. It’s black magic. Or something. So obviously it has something to do with that wack-job Harry Dresden.

And then there’s like vampires and shit. And warlocks. And demons. You know, the usual supernatural garbage. I mean, yeah, the story is pretty stupid and simple. And it’s borrowed from every other fantasy type book. But I don’t fucking care. This book isn’t awesome because of the fucking story. It’s awesome because of the characters. The fun, witty banter.

So what if the story basically comes down to burning up a meth house. It’s like Jim Butcher just took a standard Chicago PD case, and threw in a wizard. For shits and giggles. And it worked. I giggled so much, I think I shit myself.

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4 of 5 Monster-Cock Stars – Cum for Frankenstein by Lasa Limpin.

This is a fun story. It’s very short, at 40 pages, but fun nonetheless. It’s even a story I can relate to. I guess I’m like Frankenstein’s monster, because I know what it’s like when you can’t cum after hours of fucking.

This story is about a bunch of horny bar wenches who happen upon Dr. Frankenstein’s monster who has been hiding out in a nearby barn. None of these girls are the least bit interested in the regular guys in town. Because none of those guys are horrible disfigured monsters.

It must be some kind of fetish, or something. Because these girls come on to the monster like he’s got hundred-dollar bills sticking out of his pocket. But no, all he’s got in his pocket is a huge motherfucking cock. And apparently that’s good enough for these sluts.

All three of them fuck his brains out right there in the barn. One of the girls even takes his huge cock in her ass. Because, why shove a huge monster cock in your pussy? That’s just plain boring. Might as well be adventurous. You never know when you’re going to find another horny monster, after all.

But even with the hardcore ass fucking, the poor monster can’t cum. After the girls are finished with him, he still rampages around the barn, humping the air, humping the horses, humping some guy’s face. Because some guys come (heh, I said come) to the barn with pitchforks and torches, to destroy the horrible monster.

But pitchforks and torches are no match for the rampaging monster cock. The monster fucks his way out of the barn, after pounding his cock deep into a guy’s skull, through the ear canal. Because fucking the guy’s mouth would be gay. But the ear? That’s not gay. That’s just hardcore, man.

I enjoyed this story. And not just because of the hardcore ass fucking. It was funny and erotic at the same time. That’s hard (heh, I said hard) to do. And there was quite a bit of action packed into a short amount of pages. And the monster finally got to cum hard. Yay!

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4 of 5 TV-Dinner Stars – Savagery and Saviors by Ken Hollern.

This book would make a great action movie. Because it’s like Die Hard on a boat. One man against a ship full of mercenaries. I can just hear the trailer now… “In a world… Where kidnapped children are rescued by an ex football player… And a beautiful woman blows him for his bravery.”

The story is about Cole, an ex football player who is braver that he likes to believe. He goes to the port to check on his boat, when he hears some fearful screams from a girl on another boat. He looks in on the scene, and some girl is definitely about to get raped. But hey, fuck that. Cole’s got shit to do.

So he goes back to his boat, then hears more screams. And he just stands there like an idiot as the girl screams some more. He thinks, fuck it. I’ll just call 911 and be done with it. The goddamn police can handle this shit. I don’t got time to fuck with four guys with knives.

He starts to dial 911, and hears more screams from the girl. Goddamnit, he thinks. Why do I have to care so much? Why can’t I just be a fucking asshole, and go about my business? Sunofabitch.

He charges in on the four guys, and rescues the girl. But then more thugs show up, and knock his ass out. Next thing he knows, he wakes up in a big steel container on a ship, in the middle of the fucking ocean. Shit, he thinks. This is what I get for being a fucking nice guy. Goddamnit.

He hollers for help, but gets no answer. Days go by. He hollers some more, and finally someone does answer. It’s some kids who are trapped in the container next to him. They tell him that they’ve been kidnapped, and are about to be sold to the highest bidder.

Just as Cole thinks his situation is completely hopeless, a beautiful woman breaks him out of his prison. She’s like an investigative reporter or something, who came aboard the ship as a cook in order to investigate about child trafficking. Cole tells her about the kids in the next container.

Yeah, whatever. She doesn’t really care, because apparently she’s really horny. Because of course she is. I mean, a man did write this shit, after all. So she’s all, “You’re a hot piece of man-meat. You’re coming back to my room. We’re gonna fuck like rabid bunnies.”

And Cole is all like, “But… But we just met! And there’s like kids to save! And… Oh who am I kidding. Let’s fuck.” Because, duh. When some hot bitch says you’re gonna fuck, you don’t fucking argue with her. You get it on, man.

Eventually, they do get around to thinking about maybe saving the kids. Then the conflict continues on land, as the kids are about to be sold to some ragheads. It really is a non-stop action type of book. Just when I thought the book was coming to a conclusion, another conflict was thrown at me, and I couldn’t stop reading it.

I liked this book because it was fun and entertaining. It never let up on the action and suspense. And the characters were very real and funny. The banter between Cole and the sexy reporter chick was fucking hilarious. And I can almost hear Cole saying that line from Die Hard, “Now I know what a TV dinner feels like.”

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