Archive for the ‘4 Star Reviews’ Category

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4 of 5 She-Bitch Stars – The Cactus Killer by Jeremy Croston.

This is a pretty cool book. It’s set in a small town in New Mexico named Full Moon. So, I have to assume there’s a big billboard welcome sign at the city border, with a huge bare ass image that says “Welcome to Full Moon, the Bare Ass city!”

But no, it probably has more to do with all the werewolves that live there. And vampires. Because for some reason, those two always go hand in hand. But at least in this story, they’re not fighting each other. They’re actually allies, working together to stop a madman from killing off both their species.

This book is about a war between good and evil. But it’s really hard to tell who the evil ones are. Because it’s not the vampires. They’re super cool. And it’s not the werewolves. They’re even cooler. I mean, the wolf packs are always throwing parties with pizza and beer. They’re like frat boys or something.

Vic, the local sheriff, teams up with Liz, a very old vampire to find out who’s running amok and killing off vampires. They think it has to be some psycho human. Probably a white dude. Because white guys are fucking crazy. Especially religious ones.

So of course Vic and the sexy Liz go off to investigate the church. Because if there’s evil anywhere, it’s at the church, right? I mean, come on… Those religious weirdos are bat-shit crazy. And sure enough, they find a monster hanging out at the church, picking up on altar boys.

No, it’s not the priest. I mean, sure, most priests are monsters. But this was a real monster. Put together like fucking Frankenstein. All green and shit, like the motherfucking Hulk. Apparently he was the product of some crazy experiment. Mixing werewolf and vampire blood to create some kind of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde monster.

A battle ensues, and it turns out that Mr. Hyde is also part Wolverine. Because Vic shoots that fucker right in the face, and the monster just grows back a new one. Damn. Seriously? Sick ’em, she bitch! So Liz goes all bloodlust crazy, and tears the monster to shreds. Because you don’t fuck with a vampire on the rag.

I liked this book because it was fun and lighthearted. It also had a nice cast of vibrant characters to work with. The story wasn’t even as predictable as I first thought. There were many surprises in the end, which is always nice. But come on, man. Not even one sex scene? No doggie/vampire sex? I am slightly disappointed.

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4 of 5 Not-Very-Romantic Stars – Of Love and Distance by Divya Jyoti Randev

I’m really not a fan of romance novels. Because for the most part, they suck dirty donkey balls. But this book is not one of those books. This one has much more to it than romance. In fact, it has very little to do with romance, and more to do with being a strong woman. Being independent. And being brave.

This book is about Lisa, a journalist who is tasked with interviewing her teenage crush. While riding in a limo with Robert, on the way to the studio to do their interview, they’re both attacked and taken hostage. Because it’s set in India, and apparently that’s what they do there.

So imagine if you will, riding in a limo with a man who you’ve been secretly in love with for years. You’re supposed to interview him. But you can barely speak to him… He’s just so goddamn dreamy! How are you supposed to have a conversation with someone you’re drooling over? It’s bloody well impossible!

But then, you’re kidnapped and tied up. They blindfold you, and throw you into a dark room with your handsome lad. You thought it was hard having a conversation before. But this? Fuck this! This is crazy, man. This is some serious torment, right here.

Then there’s the rapings, and the beatings, and the starvation… All in good fun, of course. And the handsome hunk does finally grow some balls, and stand up for this perfect stranger named Lisa. He finally confronts their captors, and is promptly smacked in the face, like a bitch.

In the aftermath of all this, Lisa tells everyone to fuck off. Even her own mother. Because she can handle her own shit. She doesn’t need anyone’s fucking help. But of course, everyone keeps trying to help her, including her movie star fantasy man. But she’s having nothing of it.

She’s damn determined to live her own life, and deal with the rape baby on her own fucking terms. I can respect that. I’ve had to fight my whole life to live the way I want. Family always wants to ‘help’ or give their goddamn opinions on how to live. Fuck that. Live your own life.

I really like this book because the author had a firm grasp of conflict. Every goddamn page was filled with conflict. And that’s what drives a good story. And of course, having well-developed characters that I actually gave a fuck about certainly helped.

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4 of 5 Dirty-Whore Stars – One For The Money by Janet Evanovich.

A very fun book. There are so many crazy, fucked up characters in this book, it’s just awesome. I guess, what makes it more interesting to me, is that I know fucked up people like this. They really exist, and I hate them so much. They make for great conflict though, which is what every good story needs.

This story is about Stephanie Plum, who ends up going to work as a bounty hunter for her shady bail bondsman cousin. Of course, Steph doesn’t know how to use a gun. She’s just a stupid Jersey girl, right? But no, she turns out to be quite adept in picking up the trade. Albeit in a bumbling bimbo sort of way.

Then there’s the sexy hunk bounty hunter who helps her out from time to time. You know she wants to fuck him, but of course he just brushes her off, which just makes you want the coupling even more. Then there’s her old high school boyfriend who’s a cop, and helps her catch bad guys as well.

Because apparently, stupid Steph is fucking useless by herself. I mean, really… I don’t know why the fuck her cousin hired her. If it weren’t for her numerous boy toys, she’d never catch any bad guys. So what’s the fucking point?

Oh, I get it. It’s just a sneaky trick. Because without Steph working there, her boy toys would never help out. That’s one sneaky cousin, right there. So I guess she does get the job done, in the end. So she does it with pussy and feminine charm. Big deal. Whores don’t get no respect.

I really liked this book. It was a fun, quick read. And there’s no cardboard characters in this book. They’re all sassy, and full of spunk. Well, at least the guys are full of spunk. Oh wait, I guess the chicks are full of spunk too. Well, unless they spit instead of swallow.

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4 of 5 Something-Something-Dark-Side Stars – Sunfall by James Austin McCormick.

This is a very cool book. But it reminds me way too much of Star Wars. I mean, it’s got the scruffy young nerf herder guy who’s a cross between Han Solo and Luke Skywalker. Because he’s a rebel with his own Millennium Falcon. He’s good with fixing things, like Luke. And of course, he saves the princess.

Because yes, there’s also a goddamn Princess Lea. I’m surprised there wasn’t a fucking wookie. But wait, there’s more! There’s a mutant Darth Vader. He’s a genetically modified killing machine. An assassin. And I guess, kind of a bounty hunter. So it’s like Darth Vader and Boba Fett butt fucked and made this guy. Awesome.

(Just imagine the text below scrolling like Star Wars)

Long, long ago… In a galaxy far, far away… Luke Skywalker, I mean Zac, meets this girl who needs to catch a ride to Mars…

(Okay, end the scrolling… This is getting silly)

This story is about the destruction of Mars by the Death Star. Okay, there’s no Death Star. But still. I mean the similarities are staggering. But Mars is actually doomed to be wiped out by some solar storm, or some such shit. And the princess has the magic technology to save the planet.

Okay, she’s not really a princess. Sana is just a really rich girl, with really rich and brilliant parents. They developed the technology to save an entire planet with self-replicating nano-thingies. And Sana is wandering around a space port with this nano-tube that’s worth billions.

In comes the nerf herder. He agrees to take her to Mars for a bajillion credits, because he’s a selfish cunt, just like Han Solo. And of course he owes some kind of debt to the mob boss at the space station. Just like the cantina scene in fucking Star Wars.

Zac and Sana flee to the Millennium Falcon, and barely escape the space station alive. But wait, the Darth Vader and Boba Fett butt baby is hot on their trail. He’s a fucking killing machine on a rampage, and he will stop at nothing to get the precious nano-tube.

Really, nothing can stop this fucking guy. He’s one strong butt baby, that’s for sure. I mean, his spaceship slams head-on with a fucking asteroid, exploding and shattering to pieces, and this fucking guy survives to continue the chase. He’s like the goddamn Terminator, this guy.

I could go on and on, because this really is a great story. It would have been five stars for sure, if it didn’t remind me so much of Star Wars. But it’s still a fun story to read, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who loves science fiction.

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4 of 5 Standard-Fantasy Stars Pawn of Prophecy by David Eddings.

This book raped my virgin brain. It was the very first book I read for my own pleasure, when I was twelve years old. Before I read this book, I hated every single book I ever read. Because those books were for school. And I fucking hated school. Teachers never assigned books like this. They assigned books that sucked donkey balls.

Pawn of Prophecy made me want to become a writer. Because this book showed me what was possible. It showed me the depth of imagination. The depth of character. And the depth of a good story. Because the characters in this book were so real to me. I felt for them, and I actually cared what happened to them. I had never experienced this before. After hating so many books, it was a strange feeling.

But that feeling soon faded, as the story in this book started to suck. That’s when I started writing my first story. Because I was so pissed off that the author chose to take my beloved characters in such a retarded direction. So I started writing my own version of the story. It was bigger, better, faster, and it sucked even worse than Eddings’ story.

So I went back to this book, and finished it. I finally put my faith in the author, and I’m glad I did. Because yes, this story could have been better. But it was told with such skill that in the end, I didn’t give a fuck where the story went, as long as I could keep reading about my favorite characters.

This story is about a stupid teenager named Garion, who’s apparently the heir to some throne, or something. It really is a very standard fantasy tale. Some nobody is needed for some special mission, or quest. They gather together a rag-tag bunch of ruffians, and trek through the wilderness and mountains to find some thing, or person that will save humanity. Or something.

When I read this book the first time, I wasn’t aware that this was the standard fantasy gig. I thought it was completely original. I hadn’t read The Hobbit, or The Lord of the Rings yet. I didn’t know! I’m sorry, okay? Nobody told me. I was just a scared little boy, reading a good book for the first time. I didn’t know if I needed to lube my butthole or not.

Still, in my opinion, this book is better than those Tolkien books. Yes, it’s the same goddamn story. But for some reason, I cared more about this one. I think it’s because the characters were so well crafted. It wasn’t the story, that’s for sure. Because this group of friends/lovers/bandits travel the countryside, looking for the Orb, or whatever.

They don’t find it, of course. Because there’s four more books to get through, for fuck’s sake. So the actual story in this book is quite short. They come to a castle and engage in battle to defend it. Garion  is nearly captured, but escapes. Then there’s a bunch of chit-chat about how this guy banged that guy and Garion’s aunt turns out to be his uncle, and all that happy horseshit.

But the chit-chat is what makes this book fun to read. Because the characters are actually interesting, and funny. I loved them, I really did. And in the end, I’m glad I got my mind raped by this book. Because it literally changed my life.

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4 of 5 Sick-And-Twisted Stars – Little Secrets by S. N. Graves.

This is a very disturbing story about parents who hate their children. I get it, man. Kids are a pain in the fucking ass. But you don’t just kill ’em, and bury ’em in the woods. Especially if they’re pregnant. That’s just taking ‘Parent of the Year’ a bit too far, don’t ya think?

This story is about what happens when you bury a pregnant girl in the woods. Because, that’s how monsters are born. And sure enough, the monster stalks the woods at night, waiting for its prey.

But that’s not all. They also buried a pregnant cat in the woods. So now there’s a feral cat monster stalking the woods as well. That’s just great. How am I supposed to go streaking naked through the forest at night when there’s a bunch of monsters out there? I might get my dangly bits chewed off. Fuck that.

One of the most disturbing parts of this story is at the beginning, when the father asks the little girl to kill her kittens with a hammer. Seriously, dude? You’re gonna ask a little girl to do that shit? That’s fucking sick. But the girl refuses. So the father begins bashing the little heads in one by one. While the little girl watches, with tears in her eyes. Now THAT’S a disturbing scene. Seriously fucked up.

This is a short story, but it accomplishes so much, in a small amount of pages. Like character. All the characters in this story are well-developed. I can understand their motivation, and their emotion. Some authors can’t accomplish that in five hundred pages, let alone fifty.

I liked this story because it was disturbing and gory at the same time. It freaked me out, and sickened me. I fucking loved it. The only thing that was missing was a bit more back story. I’d really like to know more about how this family got so fucked up.

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4 of 5 Evil-Villain Stars – Tannion by Wayne Elsner.

I really wish people would stop giving me these awesome books to read. I mean, what’s a guy gotta do to find a bad book in this town? It’s crazy. This is like my 3rd 4-Star review in a row. It’s out of control, man.

This book tells the story of Superman. Err, I mean, Tannion. You see, Tannion was struck by lightning. This isn’t usually something good that happens. But for Tannion, it turned him into a superhero. At first. Then it turned him into a murderer. A super-murderer. And at the end of the book, he was pretty much a super villain, stroking his fluffy white cat.

When it first started, he noticed that he could heal himself rather easily. Then he stabbed himself several thousand times, and found that he was pretty much Wolverine, but without that whole metal skeleton thing. Because Tannion could heal super-fast, and it turned out, he could heal others as well, just by touching them.

So he headed to a cancer ward, and healed some random patients. It was in the newspaper the next day. So he figured shit, that’s not gonna fly. Can’t have the press all over my ass. So fuck it, I’ll just go kill some bad guys. That doesn’t make me bad, right?

So Tannion does his best Dexter impression, and goes on a killing spree, supposedly killing only bad guys. Drug dealers, pimps, random guys that accosted him on the street. A bum who asked for spare change. Because fuck bums. They’re evil right? Bums? Fuck yea, of course they’re evil. Keep telling yourself that, man.

Soon after killing the bum in New York City, Tannion ended up killing a FBI agent, accidently-on-purpose, as you do. So he fled, and eventually landed in Los Angeles, where he took up the thug lifestyle, and joined a Russian crime syndicate. Because that’s how bad guys go to college.

This is a great book, filled with action. It has character arcs that will blow your fucking mind. And half the time, you can’t even tell the good guys from the bad guys. I mean, I couldn’t tell, anyway. Because I still don’t know if Tannion is really evil. He killed so many people…

But did he really do it to make the world a better place, or is he just no better than Dexter? I mean, did he just keep doing it, because he enjoyed killing, or did he just enjoy killing bad guys? I have no idea. But you can’t keep doing that shit if you don’t like it just a little.

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4 of 5 Rotting-Flesh Stars – World War Z by Max Brooks.

After I saw the movie “World War Z” I had to give this book a shot, because after the movie, I thought, there must be something more to this story, because the movie didn’t make much sense at all. So, I read this book, and found it pretty fascinating.

It’s a completely different way of telling a story, for sure. It’s kind of like a collection of short stories, about one world-wide event. Each of the stories are written like an interview of different witnesses of the zombie war. Very little of these witness accounts make it into the movie. In fact, the movie has very little to do with the book.

I have to say, I like this book more than the movie, simply because it actually has more depth and detail. I got more of a complete idea of what the zombie war was like, from all around the world. Of course, there was no hollywood-like ending. In fact, there really wasn’t an ending at all. The interviews just stopped, and there were no more pages. I was like “What the actual fuck… What happened, goddamnit?!”

It was definitely an interesting read, but still not an actual story with beginning, middle and end. And, fuck Brad Pitt in his dirty asshole. Because, damn he’s hot.

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4 of 5 Grade-School-Reading Stars – Wanting to Want by Dr. Madeleine M. Castellanos, M.D.

Being written by an actual doctor, you’d think that this book would be a dry-ass text-book. But it’s not. It’s just practical advice about sex that anyone can use. Hell, it even has exercises at the end of each chapter, so you and your partner can stare at each other and go, “Umm, why are we doing these exercises, when we could be fucking right now?

Well, at least that’s what the guy would say. Because, lets face it, men are simple creatures. But we’re not so simple when we can’t get it up. Quite complex, actually. Dr. Castellanos tells us about one of her patients in this book, a young man named Steven. He’s come to her (heh, I said come) because of his limp-dick problem.

But of course, that’s not all it is. It’s usually a mental issue, especially in young men. I mean, you don’t see young men popping Viagra pills, unless they’re porn stars. Apparently, Steven is stressed out. He has performance anxiety. So, this lovely sex therapist slowly massages his back with some baby oil, and proceeds to bang the ever-loving shit out of him on her suede couch.

Oh shit, my bad. That never happened. But still, that’d be cool, right? Isn’t that every man’s fantasy when they go to see a sex therapist? I’d like to think so. But no, she doesn’t have sex with him. Instead, she tells him to hold this little sea-shell in his hand. Feel the grooves. Experience the texture. No, don’t put it up your ass. Just feel it, man.

Finally, she does get Steven to come around (heh, I said come again!) and finally start to enjoy sex with a partner, and by himself.

This therapist gets a lot of lonely housewives in her office. No, I don’t mean ‘gets’ like she’s banging them in her office, I mean she gets a lot of housewife patients who are either bored, or overworked, or just hate their husbands so much, they can’t stand the thought of having sex with him.

She explains to them, “Look, I know your husband is an asshole, but doesn’t he have a huge cock?” And, of course, all of the women responded with, “Are you serious? It’s like one inch long, when erect. Why, what has he told you?”

Wait, what the fuck am I talking about. Oh yea, that’s my penis, my bad. Where was I? Oh yes, how this doctor helped these cold bitches finally come to terms (ha! Come again!) with what was really bothering them. Like Julie, who was pissed off that her husband never helped with the kids, never helped with the housework, and never licked her goddamn pussy.

And then there’s Susan, who worked too much. She had ‘dissociation’ issues, because she had trained her stupid lizard brain to ignore sex. Because there were more important things to do. She had the job, the kids, and all that happy horseshit to deal with. She didn’t have time for sex, goddamnit. So, Dr. Castellanous helped her realize her own sexuality once again, by re-associating sex with good, pleasurable things, instead of boring missionary things.

In the end, I’d say that this is a very well-written book that everyone should have to read when they’re in grade-school. Not in high school, in grade-school. Why? Because, that’s when all this shit starts to happen. In fucking grade-school, man. I remember it vividly. I gave a girl a box of chocolates for Valentine’s day, when I was in the fourth grade. She laughed in my face. So guess what? I never, EVER asked another girl out.

Literally. I just waited around until a girl asked me out. I wasn’t an ugly hag-beast back then, so my chances were still pretty good. But I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19, because not only would I refuse to ask a girl out, I’d also refuse to seal the deal. I literally needed someone with the balls to just grab my dick and shove it where it belonged.

Yes, it’s pathetic, I know. But still, my point is, read this book as early as you can. Because that shit sticks with you. And not every boy is going to find a woman like my wife, who’s got the brass balls to do what needs to be done.

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4 of 5 Naked-Fox-Girl Stars –  A Fox’s Love by Brandon Varnell.

This book is fucking hilarious. And the author owes me a new keyboard, goddamnit. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Brandon. Don’t give me that look. No, it doesn’t have a warranty. It’s just a $10 keyboard. What? No, I don’t have a spare one lying around. Shut up, man. Just shut up.

Yeah, this book is like that. The author talks to his characters, and the characters talk back. Hell, he even talks to you, the reader. Because he can, I guess. And because it’s fucking hilarious.

This book is the story of anime coming to life. A 15-year-old boy finds a wounded fox on the side of the road. He takes the fox home, and tends to its injuries. Amazingly, the fox starts to heal itself. Kevin watches as the wounds gather together and heal. Then he notices that the fox has two tails.

He figures that maybe the fox is some kind of mutant, or a government test subject. But whatever, man. Yeah, I told ’em that bit. Shut up! I’m getting to it. Fuck. So Kevin leaves the fox in his room, and goes off to school. Stop giggling, man. Yeah, I know what comes next. Big titties. Damn, dude. You’re drooling.

So, yeah… Kevin comes home, and finds that his fox has transformed into a Kitsune, which is a fox who can transform into a human. And in this case, it transformed into a beautiful teenage girl, with the biggest tits that Kevin had ever seen. Because, yeah man, here it comes… She was standing there, plain as day, naked.

Kevin promptly faints, as you do. Because his tiny 15-year-old brain cannot handle what he was seeing. Hot. Naked. Girl… Panic. Yeah, I told them about the tits, man. Jesus, calm down. Go jack off, or something. What? No, man. Get your own fucking lube. Damn.

Okay, I get the panic, I really do. I was a timid and shy 15-year-old. If I saw a naked girl in my room, I’d probably panic as well. I might even flee. Or piss my pants. Or just stand there staring. Yeah, I’d probably just stand there and gawk. And drool. But I wouldn’t pass out, for fuck’s sake. That’s just retarded.

Shut up, man. I know it’s your story, and it’s a good story, but it still has its flaws, okay? So shut the fuck up, so I can finish this thing. Damn. But seriously… This fucking guy faints like 5 goddamn times in this book. Every single time, because of this sexy fox, and her super hotness. And those huge fucking boobs.

I’m pretty sure the author of this book jacked off several times while writing it, because damn. He described those boobs so many times… Yes you did, man. Shut up. I know they’re awesome, but you don’t have to tell me nine thousand fucking times how awesome those tits are, man. I get it.

Plot things happen, and then the boy and his fox are chased by a hound. Well, it’s really a bully from school who can turn into a hound. And apparently, hounds don’t like foxes, especially human foxes. So a battle ensues, and the fox-girl uses her super anime powers to escape and defeat the hound.

But she leaves him alive, so he can gather up all his hound buddies for the next book. I hate it with authors do this. I mean, I get it. You want me to read the next book in the series. But still… Shut up, man. Let me have my beef. No, I don’t want a goddamn hamburger. Oh, you’re going to town? Good. Get me some fries.

Glad I finally got rid of that fucker. Now, where was I? Oh yes, my beef. This kid, Kevin. I don’t get this kid. He’s got this naked girl throwing herself at him, and all he can do is scream and faint and try his damnedest to get rid of her. At no point does he cop a feel.

This story goes on for another 200 goddamn pages, with this naked fox-girl throwing herself at this kid, and the entire time, all he can do is squeal. I mean, they sleep in the same bed and everything. Well, he sleeps on the couch, but she finds him, and they always end up sleeping together. Naked.

And you know this fucker has a boner the entire time. Even when the fox-girl finally puts some clothes on, she’s still coming on to poor Kevin constantly. He’s got to have a constant boner. He takes cold showers every day, but the fox-girl barges into the shower with him, and nearly rapes him. But he still resists.

What the fuck, Brandon? I said Coke, not Diet Coke, damn. Where was I? Oh, yeah. I was telling them about Kevin and his boner, and why he doesn’t bang the living shit out of this hot-ass fox-girl. That’s the problem, man. There’s no reason for him not to bang her. Yes, I know he’s got a crush on that other girl in school. Big fucking deal. He’s got this even hotter girl throwing herself at him. What’s his fucking problem?

Yes, I know you said he wasn’t gay. Are you sure? No, man. I’m telling you this kid has got to be gay. I don’t care how timid or shy you are, you don’t deny yourself pussy for that long. When it’s being thrown at you constantly? Fuck no, man. You’re eventually going to give into it.

I still loved this story, though. It reminded me of my teenage years. It showed me what a perfect teenage fantasy would look like. Okay, not so perfect. He should have banged her, man. She was begging for it. Whatever. Hey! Keep your goddamn hands off my fries, man. Whatcha mean you didn’t get your own fries? I don’t know what to tell you, Brandon. You should have known. They always fuck you at the drive-through.

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