Archive for the ‘5 Star Reviews’ Category

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5 of 5 Sickly-Awesome Stars – Horror Stories by  Jack Kilborn and J.A. Konrath.

This book is fucking amazing. I love horror stories, but most of the time they’re not very good. Like Stephen King books, for example. They fucking suck donkey balls. They’re not scary, or even interesting most of the time. But this book? Holy fuck-balls, Batman. It’s full of short horror stories that will totally blow your mind.

There’s a story about a man who’s obsessed with beating the world record for pull-ups. He’s so close, he can taste it. But he just can’t make it. So he loses some weight. But that still doesn’t cut it. So he has a doctor amputate his legs. Closer, but no cigar. So he has the doctor remove organs, and anything else that isn’t really needed to live. He wakes up in the hospital bed with no arms. I’m pretty sure you could hear him screaming “FUCK MY LIFE!!!!” from Mars.

Then there’s a story about some fucked-up gangsters. Some poor sap lost a card game and can’t pay up. So they give him a choice. He can either get shot in the fucking head, or he can hold his hand on the pan on the stove for ten seconds. They told him that the last guy didn’t last more than three seconds. So the guy turns on the stove and burns the living shit out of his hand for their amusement. Then the boss guy says, “You know, we never said you had to turn the burner on.” And the gangsters just laugh their fucking asses off.

There’s like twenty more stories like this in this book. They’re all fucking awesome. And each story comes with an introduction by the authors. Like how the story came together, and how impossible it was to get them published. I found those little tid-bits very interesting. But the stories themselves are what carried this book to fucking-awesome-land.

I’d recommend this book to anyone who loves horror stories, or horror movies, or anything horror. Hell, even if you’re not sure about horror and want to give it a try, check this book out. You’ll get hooked on this shit so fast. Unfortunately, you’re fucked after reading this book. Because you can’t find horror stories like this very often. So enjoy these stories while you can.

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5 of 5 Nerd-Gasm Stars – Judgment Night by Nick Pollotta.

This book seems like it was created by a bunch of nerds playing Dungeons and Dragons. Even though there really were no dungeons or dragons per se. Because this book is a constant barrage of action. Seriously, I felt myself breathing heavy and sweating just from reading this fucking book. It was such a workout!

There’s this private detective who finds himself fighting werewolves and vampires for no apparent reason. It was just a random case that turned out weird. Then these super hero Bureau 13 agents show up and thwart the supernatural weirdness. And of course, they offer him a job. Because they already have a priest, a couple of mages, a ninja and a beefy military guy with guns. But they don’t have some random P.I. with a pistol.

And this random guy turns into their leader. I really have no idea why, because he really is fucking useless when it comes to fighting monsters. Sure, he can bark out orders like nobody’s business, but anyone can do that. It doesn’t take any special ability to scream, “Pink Turtle formation! STAT!”

After they recruit Mr. Random Guy, the story cuts to a while later, when it’s business as usual. They’re on a fishing trip, just minding their own business, when a huge monster bursts out of the water. A huge battle ensues which I assume took many dice rolls to complete. Then, the 13’s are off to find their secret headquarters. Which is really secret, because even they don’t know where the fuck it is.

You see, Bureau 13 is fucking huge. It’s like a secret FBI, or something. With many divisions and operations. It’s not just these five D&D nerds. But this story is centered around these guys, and thank God for that. Because if there was any more to this book, it would go on forever. Because fuck, man. There’s so much happening with just this rag-tag bunch of nerds, I can’t even imagine what would happen with the whole Bureau involved.

The nerds travel to New York, where they think they might find their headquarters. A huge nuclear explosion goes off and tears New York a new asshole, and tosses the nerd’s impenetrable RV into some apartment complex. They escape on foot, off to find their secret base. And they come across monster after monster on their short journey through town.

When they finally do find their secret base, they’re briefed on the whole plot thing. Apparently, a scary cloud is on its way to destroy New York. I mean, it’s going to destroy what’s left of New York. But how do they even know that? It’s just a cloud, out in the ocean, minding its own fucking business. Who the fuck knows. Don’t ask questions of the Dungeon Master, okay?

The nerds set out to stop the scary cloud, and find a mysterious island directly below it. They eventually find out that it’s the long-lost city of Atlantis, or something. And it’s filled with countless monsters to fight, and puzzles to solve.

I couldn’t possibly break down this entire book in a review. It just goes on forever, even though it’s a fairly short novel. There’s just so much action packed into the pages, it’s mind-boggling. And I loved it so much. Never a dull moment.

I’ve never actually played D&D, and this book doesn’t even mention D&D, but somehow it made me want to get together a bunch of nerds and play D&D. But something tells me that without Nick Polletta as the dungeon master, it wouldn’t be near as much fun as this book.

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5 of 5 Pinned-To-The-Wall Stars – Pinned! by Vicki C. Smith.

This is the most erotic book I have ever read. And I’ve read quite a bit of erotica. I pretty much had a raging boner the entire time, while reading this book. If it was an actual paperback, instead of a kindle version, it would be quite sticky.

This is the story of Sindy, a married woman who really enjoys violent, forceful sex. The first scene in this book is a violent rape scene. For a second, I thought she was really getting raped. But then, it turns out that she had this whole thing arranged.

In a darkened hallway, in a mall. Where the cameras can’t see. She’s taken forcefully. Thrust down to the cement floor, and fucked mercilessly. The ‘stranger’ slaps her ass with a hard leathered hand. Wraps her long hair around his fist, and keeps on pounding until she cums like a racehorse.

Sindy works in a hair salon, in the mall. She takes her lunch break, and is approached by a handsome business man. They have some conversation, and he invites her to work part-time at his bowling alley. This excites crazy ass Sindy, because it’s been said that shady things happen at that bowling alley. Drug dealers. Pimps. Mobsters.

She takes the job, and soon finds out that she’s not just a bartender at the bowling alley. Jeremy, the handsome business man who hired her, asks her back to his office and promptly tosses her over his desk and violently fucks her. Giving her orders. “Bend over, kneel, put your hands over your head…”

And Sindy fucking loves every second of it. She can’t get enough of this kinky sex. Even though she has a husband and a daughter at home. She doesn’t fucking care. She just want’s to get fucked hard. Is that so wrong? I say nay nay.

And then Jeremy starts killing people, as you do. And he gets Sindy to help him dispose of the body. Which makes her horny as fuck. So they fuck madly, right next to the dead body. Man, this bitch is 50 shades of seriously fucked in the head. But goddamn, that was some hot erotic action.

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5 of 5 Pretty-Goth-Chick Stars – Dixie’s Wasteland by Dixie A. Conley.

One wouldn’t expect me to be a big fan of poetry. I mean I have the vocabulary of a goddamn eight year old, for fuck’s sake. How could I possibly appreciate a good poem?

I don’t know. All I do know is, I can spot talent when I see it. And Dixie has got talent as a poet in spades. The only poetry I can compare hers to is the classics. E.E. Cummings. T.S. Elliot, and the like. Because very few modern poets have her kind of style.

In this book of poems, Dixie ponders the idea of love. The existence of God. And the real truth behind the escape of suicide. In the front of the book, she includes a disclaimer that states that she’s not suicidal anymore. But she also says that many of these poems were written over twenty years ago, when she was in fact quite suicidal.

So the poems about suicide aren’t just the ramblings of an emo goth chick. No, these poems are real. Because they were written by someone who really was suicidal. Someone who even decided how and when she was going to do it. Because her life fucking sucked. And she felt that suicide was her only way out.

I enjoyed this book, not because I love reading about suicidal girls, but because the emotion and passion was real. I felt that shit, deep in my heart. And I’m glad that Dixie has finally found a way to get some kind of happiness out of life.

Check out her blog, where she posts a new poem from this book every day.

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5 of 5 Hot-Bimbo-Bot Stars – Future Fossil by Gene Bathurst.

This is such a fun story, and I really enjoyed it. It’s a Mad Max type story, set in a similar post-apocalyptic type world, where there’s hot android bitches, and talking velociraptors. Good times.

The story is about Magnum Thrax, and his gang of hot android bitches. They scour the wasteland for precious metals to sell to the almighty sex shop. Because sex is the real currency, apparently.

Thrax and his sexy bitches travel in a high-tech tank, ready for battle. They come across a mine, and follow it deep into the mountain, where they come across sentient rocks, and talking raptors who are about to sacrifice Thrax’s buddy, and his young sister.

And of course, they’re doing the sacrifice for their god, the T-Rex. But the T-Rex can’t talk for some reason. It’s just a plain ol’ T-Rex. Nothing special about it, except that it was engineered to heal itself, and grow a new head, if need be.

Thrax and his sex-bots jump into the mix to save their friends. Hot lead and lasers light up the cavern, as Thrax tries to save his sister and his stupid friend, who’s trying to negotiate with the dumb raptors. “I can make you bigger, stronger, faster,” he says, pretending to be some genetic scientist, when in fact, he’s just a computer programmer.

Thrax’s sister argues this with Kal, saying he’s not a bloody scientist, when Kal says, “I know that, but come on… How hard could it be? I could learn that shit in a couple of weeks.” Heh. I lol’d.

Then, Thrax battles the T-Rex, and severs its head. But that’s no big deal. The T-Rex grows a new head. But not just one. Two new heads! And the chase is on. The sex-bots jump on the T-Rex and sever its two heads. Now it’s got three heads! Holy shit.

The battle continues, until one of the sex-bots jumps on top of the T-Rex, and jacks into its brain, controlling it. Fucking mind control of a T-Rex? How awesome is that? Super fucking awesome. So the sex-bot goes crazy with the T-Rex, tearing up all the stupid raptors.

Could this story get any better? It’s fucking awesome. I couldn’t find any fault in it. For such a silly story, it was very well written. It’s something my wife refers to as ‘crack’. You just take a perfectly normal story and throw some crazy shit in there. Like talking raptors, and a T-Rex with three heads. And hell, everyone loves some good crack.

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5 of 5 Zombie-Spider Stars – This Book Is Full of Spiders by David Wong.

This is the sequel to John Dies at the End. It’s about a small town being taken over by demons and crazy spider-looking things.

I am scared to death of spiders. I did not want to read this book. But since it’s the sequel to one of my favorite books, I just had to read it. And I couldn’t put the fucking thing down. I loved it just as much as John Dies at The End, if not more.

It’s filled with the same type of crazy drug-infused antics as the first book. If you asked me to describe the plot to you, I would just give you a catatonic stare, like a crazy person. Because I couldn’t wrap my brain around what was happening in this book. My eyes were glued to the pages, and I had no idea why. It’s like the fucking thing put me in a trance, or something.

None of this book makes any sense. But that didn’t matter, because every sentence was a fascinating read. I just don’t have the words to describe the story. It’s complete insanity from beginning to end. And I fucking loved it.

But did it really have to be about spiders? Come on, man. Fuck spiders. While reading this book, I had to keep telling myself “Don’t worry, man. They’re just fictional spiders. They can’t hurt you.” Like it was a mantra or something.

Indiana Jones had it wrong. Snakes? I can deal with snakes. But spiders? HOLY SHIT, MAN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! Goddamn, I’m such a fucking pussy.

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5 of 5 Mind-Fuck Stars – John Dies at the End by David Wong.

I hate to tell you this, but John does not, in fact, die at the end of this book. No, he dies in the middle of the book. But then he comes back to life. Because, zombies or whatever the fuck. Don’t ask me to try to explain this book to you, because it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

It really is the most brilliantly-written nonsense I’ve ever read. I couldn’t get enough of it. I read every goddamn word, my eyes glued to the page. Was it because of the amazing characters? Or a fascinating story, perhaps? Not really. It was just the most unpredictable Roller-Coaster ride I’ve ever been on. And I loved every second of it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that the characters, or the story, are bad. They’re just fucking weird. The whole story is just one long acid trip, as far as I can tell.

This book is about David, and his friend John, who are paranormal investigators of sorts. Because one day, at a party, they took some acid, or ‘soy sauce’ as they call it. They call it that, because it’s black, and kind of indescribable. It’s some kind of alien substance, that has a life of its own. If you don’t want to take it, that’s fine. It will find its way inside you, somehow.

Ever since they took the soy sauce, they can see monsters, and ghosts, and strange things happening in their town. So every time something strange happens, they are called upon to help. And let me tell ya, something strange happens in their ‘Undisclosed’ town all the fucking time.

After John is supposedly killed, David is arrested. He thinks he’s in big trouble, until his friend John calls him up and explains that David is not really being detained. John says that that big guy who looks like a police detective, isn’t really there. He tells David to just walk out of the police station.

So he does, but then his phone starts to die. So, John tells him to buy a hotdog at a street vendor. “Okay, now put the hotdog up to your ear, like a phone. And talk to me, man.” David does this, and is amazed that the hotdog does indeed work as a perfectly good phone. Because John is just inside David’s head, you see.

So, David sets out to find John’s killer, still talking on the hotdog-phone, with mustard drooling down his chin. “Dude, can I just eat this hotdog? I’m really hungry, man.” David asks his dis-embodied friend. “Fuck no. You eat that hotdog, and I’m dead, dude,” his friend replies.

The book goes on like this, with David fighting off monsters by himself, until he is finally reunited with his dead friend. Then they get to kill the big boss-monster. After going through a portal to a different dimension, of course. In that world, all the girls are naked, and they all worship David and John, as you do. Because they are the chosen sacrifices to their real god, the boss-monster.

I told you this book was a big fucking acid trip. It makes absolutely no fucking sense, and yet, at the same time, it’s bloody fascinating. It’s just rain wreck after train wreck.

I can’t recommend this book enough. It’s one of my all-time favorites. The book itself has crept into my brain, just like the soy sauce. It has infected me, and I’m glad for it. At least I don’t see ghosts and monsters yet. That would suck. I’d hate to have to solve everyone’s fucked-up problems.

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