Archive for the ‘Fantasy’ Category

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2 of 5 Prelude-To-Hoseshit Stars – The One Path by Larry S. Gerovac.

You know what really pisses me off? When a book is just a prelude to a series. There’s no beginning, middle, and end to this book. It’s just the beginning. And there’s no fucking conclusion whatsoever. It’s bullshit, is what it is.

This book is the story of Thomas, God’s last prophet. He’s just some average jackass. He’s not even particularly religious. But one of God’s angels came to him in a vision, and told him to lead the people to victory. To fight the battle with the demons who seek to destroy the world.

So Thomas wakes from his vision and says, “Alrighty then…” And takes off to Rome, to see the Pope. I’m not sure why he set out to seek the Pope’s wisdom. I mean Thomas isn’t even Catholic. And it’s not like the Pope can tell him anything that God’s angels can’t. Plus, the Pope’s people are probably just gonna think Thomas is bat-shit insane.

But Thomas gets lucky. He bumps into a nun who listens to his story. Because she’s an old lady who’s not playing with a full deck of cards. Thomas spouts some religious text to her, and she immediately believes him to be God’s last prophet. So she fast-tracks him to see the Pope.

Once Thomas finally gets to meet His Holiness, the Pope bashes Thomas upside the head with a staff. Because, apparently that’s how you tell if someone is a demon, or just plain human. Because demons heal faster. And Thomas just stood there with a stupid look on his face, as blood dribbled down his face.

“Well, shit…” the Pope said. “I guess you’re not a demon after all.” And then they have a long pointless conversation. Because the whole meeting was pointless. There’s nothing the Pope can tell you that’s gonna help with anything, Thomas. He’s just a man, like you.

Thomas goes off to fight the good fight against the demons with his trusty sidekick, Myrrh. Because all religious crusaders need their own personal computer hacker, apparently. Oh yea, and Myrrh can channel angels and demons and stuff. And he can tell when things are real, or imaginary. Quite the useful sidekick.

And then there’s the whole antichrist thing. The devil impregnated some young girl to birth his hellspawn, but he doesn’t do it the fun way. He doesn’t actually fuck her. No, that’d be cool. We can’t have that. No, he just takes her to his evil lab and impregnated her with some evil plasma super-sperm, or something. With a fucking needle and a petri dish. No dick required. Man, some demons just don’t know how to party.

And then the book ends. Okay, not right there, but soon after the hell-spawn is born. It just ends. Thomas and his sidekick aren’t any closer to stopping the evil demons, and God finally decides that Thomas is a useless fuckstick. The end.

Seriously? Come on, man. This is fucking bullshit. It’s like just as the book was finally getting interesting, it ends. I was bored out of my mind, until the last few chapters. I actually got interested in the story. And then it ends on a motherfucking cliffhanger.

I know I’ve been on kind of a 2 star rampage lately. But it’s not my fault. Authors keep sending me these bullshit books, and it’s pissing me off. Somebody please send me a good book to read. I’m really getting sick and tired of reading horseshit.

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4 of 5 She-Bitch Stars – The Cactus Killer by Jeremy Croston.

This is a pretty cool book. It’s set in a small town in New Mexico named Full Moon. So, I have to assume there’s a big billboard welcome sign at the city border, with a huge bare ass image that says “Welcome to Full Moon, the Bare Ass city!”

But no, it probably has more to do with all the werewolves that live there. And vampires. Because for some reason, those two always go hand in hand. But at least in this story, they’re not fighting each other. They’re actually allies, working together to stop a madman from killing off both their species.

This book is about a war between good and evil. But it’s really hard to tell who the evil ones are. Because it’s not the vampires. They’re super cool. And it’s not the werewolves. They’re even cooler. I mean, the wolf packs are always throwing parties with pizza and beer. They’re like frat boys or something.

Vic, the local sheriff, teams up with Liz, a very old vampire to find out who’s running amok and killing off vampires. They think it has to be some psycho human. Probably a white dude. Because white guys are fucking crazy. Especially religious ones.

So of course Vic and the sexy Liz go off to investigate the church. Because if there’s evil anywhere, it’s at the church, right? I mean, come on… Those religious weirdos are bat-shit crazy. And sure enough, they find a monster hanging out at the church, picking up on altar boys.

No, it’s not the priest. I mean, sure, most priests are monsters. But this was a real monster. Put together like fucking Frankenstein. All green and shit, like the motherfucking Hulk. Apparently he was the product of some crazy experiment. Mixing werewolf and vampire blood to create some kind of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde monster.

A battle ensues, and it turns out that Mr. Hyde is also part Wolverine. Because Vic shoots that fucker right in the face, and the monster just grows back a new one. Damn. Seriously? Sick ’em, she bitch! So Liz goes all bloodlust crazy, and tears the monster to shreds. Because you don’t fuck with a vampire on the rag.

I liked this book because it was fun and lighthearted. It also had a nice cast of vibrant characters to work with. The story wasn’t even as predictable as I first thought. There were many surprises in the end, which is always nice. But come on, man. Not even one sex scene? No doggie/vampire sex? I am slightly disappointed.

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3 of 5 Emo-Hades Stars – Dark Souls (Divine Darkness #1) by J.N. Colon.

Hades leaves the Underworld to go back to high school as a hot, brooding teenager. This has got to be a laugh riot, right? Not so much. In fact, it’s not even a little bit funny. It’s just silly, is what it is.

It’s silly because Hades goes to high school to retrieve some souls that escaped the Underworld, but he gets distracted by a shiny thing. A hot and shiny cheerleader. And he pines for her like a goddamn puppy dog. It’s so retarded. Since when was Hades such a sensitive faggot?

He roams around school, devouring random souls, like you do. Like the monster he’s supposed to be. But then Hartley wanders by and he just starts stammering like a pimply faced freshman. He must have her. But lo, what is this? She’s got a fucking boyfriend? Nooooooooooooooooo!

And then Thor shows up to the same goddamn high school. Hades is all like, “What the fuck man? Get your own goddamn high school.”

And Thor goes, “Hey bro. I’m just trying out for the football team, man. I hear they gots some fine ass cheerleaders at this school.”

Okay, so it’s not really Thor. It’s Hercules. But Thor’s more cooler. So, fuck you.

But Thor’s not a goddamn pussy, like Hades. Thor goes right on up to Hartley, Hades’ favorite cheerleader, and flirts with her mercilessly. Of course, Hartley’s boyfriend doesn’t take kindly to some Norse god hitting on his girl, especially when this book is about Greek gods.

After some harsh words, Hartley and her boyfriend finally do break up. Then, Hades swoops in for the kill. To finally finish his job, and take her soul back to the Underworld. Wait, no he doesn’t. Because he’s a goddamn pussy. So, he just starts stalking her. Following her around town. Hiding in her closet, and jacking off while she does her fucking homework.

I don’t understand this book. It’s a very uncharacteristic portrayal of these well-known Greek god archetypes. I mean, Hades is the good guy, and Thor (Hercules) is the bad guy? How does that make any fucking sense at all? It doesn’t. It’s fucking stupid.

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4 of 5 Standard-Fantasy Stars Pawn of Prophecy by David Eddings.

This book raped my virgin brain. It was the very first book I read for my own pleasure, when I was twelve years old. Before I read this book, I hated every single book I ever read. Because those books were for school. And I fucking hated school. Teachers never assigned books like this. They assigned books that sucked donkey balls.

Pawn of Prophecy made me want to become a writer. Because this book showed me what was possible. It showed me the depth of imagination. The depth of character. And the depth of a good story. Because the characters in this book were so real to me. I felt for them, and I actually cared what happened to them. I had never experienced this before. After hating so many books, it was a strange feeling.

But that feeling soon faded, as the story in this book started to suck. That’s when I started writing my first story. Because I was so pissed off that the author chose to take my beloved characters in such a retarded direction. So I started writing my own version of the story. It was bigger, better, faster, and it sucked even worse than Eddings’ story.

So I went back to this book, and finished it. I finally put my faith in the author, and I’m glad I did. Because yes, this story could have been better. But it was told with such skill that in the end, I didn’t give a fuck where the story went, as long as I could keep reading about my favorite characters.

This story is about a stupid teenager named Garion, who’s apparently the heir to some throne, or something. It really is a very standard fantasy tale. Some nobody is needed for some special mission, or quest. They gather together a rag-tag bunch of ruffians, and trek through the wilderness and mountains to find some thing, or person that will save humanity. Or something.

When I read this book the first time, I wasn’t aware that this was the standard fantasy gig. I thought it was completely original. I hadn’t read The Hobbit, or The Lord of the Rings yet. I didn’t know! I’m sorry, okay? Nobody told me. I was just a scared little boy, reading a good book for the first time. I didn’t know if I needed to lube my butthole or not.

Still, in my opinion, this book is better than those Tolkien books. Yes, it’s the same goddamn story. But for some reason, I cared more about this one. I think it’s because the characters were so well crafted. It wasn’t the story, that’s for sure. Because this group of friends/lovers/bandits travel the countryside, looking for the Orb, or whatever.

They don’t find it, of course. Because there’s four more books to get through, for fuck’s sake. So the actual story in this book is quite short. They come to a castle and engage in battle to defend it. Garion  is nearly captured, but escapes. Then there’s a bunch of chit-chat about how this guy banged that guy and Garion’s aunt turns out to be his uncle, and all that happy horseshit.

But the chit-chat is what makes this book fun to read. Because the characters are actually interesting, and funny. I loved them, I really did. And in the end, I’m glad I got my mind raped by this book. Because it literally changed my life.

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4 of 5 Naked-Fox-Girl Stars –  A Fox’s Love by Brandon Varnell.

This book is fucking hilarious. And the author owes me a new keyboard, goddamnit. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Brandon. Don’t give me that look. No, it doesn’t have a warranty. It’s just a $10 keyboard. What? No, I don’t have a spare one lying around. Shut up, man. Just shut up.

Yeah, this book is like that. The author talks to his characters, and the characters talk back. Hell, he even talks to you, the reader. Because he can, I guess. And because it’s fucking hilarious.

This book is the story of anime coming to life. A 15-year-old boy finds a wounded fox on the side of the road. He takes the fox home, and tends to its injuries. Amazingly, the fox starts to heal itself. Kevin watches as the wounds gather together and heal. Then he notices that the fox has two tails.

He figures that maybe the fox is some kind of mutant, or a government test subject. But whatever, man. Yeah, I told ’em that bit. Shut up! I’m getting to it. Fuck. So Kevin leaves the fox in his room, and goes off to school. Stop giggling, man. Yeah, I know what comes next. Big titties. Damn, dude. You’re drooling.

So, yeah… Kevin comes home, and finds that his fox has transformed into a Kitsune, which is a fox who can transform into a human. And in this case, it transformed into a beautiful teenage girl, with the biggest tits that Kevin had ever seen. Because, yeah man, here it comes… She was standing there, plain as day, naked.

Kevin promptly faints, as you do. Because his tiny 15-year-old brain cannot handle what he was seeing. Hot. Naked. Girl… Panic. Yeah, I told them about the tits, man. Jesus, calm down. Go jack off, or something. What? No, man. Get your own fucking lube. Damn.

Okay, I get the panic, I really do. I was a timid and shy 15-year-old. If I saw a naked girl in my room, I’d probably panic as well. I might even flee. Or piss my pants. Or just stand there staring. Yeah, I’d probably just stand there and gawk. And drool. But I wouldn’t pass out, for fuck’s sake. That’s just retarded.

Shut up, man. I know it’s your story, and it’s a good story, but it still has its flaws, okay? So shut the fuck up, so I can finish this thing. Damn. But seriously… This fucking guy faints like 5 goddamn times in this book. Every single time, because of this sexy fox, and her super hotness. And those huge fucking boobs.

I’m pretty sure the author of this book jacked off several times while writing it, because damn. He described those boobs so many times… Yes you did, man. Shut up. I know they’re awesome, but you don’t have to tell me nine thousand fucking times how awesome those tits are, man. I get it.

Plot things happen, and then the boy and his fox are chased by a hound. Well, it’s really a bully from school who can turn into a hound. And apparently, hounds don’t like foxes, especially human foxes. So a battle ensues, and the fox-girl uses her super anime powers to escape and defeat the hound.

But she leaves him alive, so he can gather up all his hound buddies for the next book. I hate it with authors do this. I mean, I get it. You want me to read the next book in the series. But still… Shut up, man. Let me have my beef. No, I don’t want a goddamn hamburger. Oh, you’re going to town? Good. Get me some fries.

Glad I finally got rid of that fucker. Now, where was I? Oh yes, my beef. This kid, Kevin. I don’t get this kid. He’s got this naked girl throwing herself at him, and all he can do is scream and faint and try his damnedest to get rid of her. At no point does he cop a feel.

This story goes on for another 200 goddamn pages, with this naked fox-girl throwing herself at this kid, and the entire time, all he can do is squeal. I mean, they sleep in the same bed and everything. Well, he sleeps on the couch, but she finds him, and they always end up sleeping together. Naked.

And you know this fucker has a boner the entire time. Even when the fox-girl finally puts some clothes on, she’s still coming on to poor Kevin constantly. He’s got to have a constant boner. He takes cold showers every day, but the fox-girl barges into the shower with him, and nearly rapes him. But he still resists.

What the fuck, Brandon? I said Coke, not Diet Coke, damn. Where was I? Oh, yeah. I was telling them about Kevin and his boner, and why he doesn’t bang the living shit out of this hot-ass fox-girl. That’s the problem, man. There’s no reason for him not to bang her. Yes, I know he’s got a crush on that other girl in school. Big fucking deal. He’s got this even hotter girl throwing herself at him. What’s his fucking problem?

Yes, I know you said he wasn’t gay. Are you sure? No, man. I’m telling you this kid has got to be gay. I don’t care how timid or shy you are, you don’t deny yourself pussy for that long. When it’s being thrown at you constantly? Fuck no, man. You’re eventually going to give into it.

I still loved this story, though. It reminded me of my teenage years. It showed me what a perfect teenage fantasy would look like. Okay, not so perfect. He should have banged her, man. She was begging for it. Whatever. Hey! Keep your goddamn hands off my fries, man. Whatcha mean you didn’t get your own fries? I don’t know what to tell you, Brandon. You should have known. They always fuck you at the drive-through.

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4 of 5 Dead-Sexy Stars – Dead Scary by Sally Gould.

One time, a friend of mine was arguing with me about the existence of God. We went back and forth for quite a while, until he asked, “Well, what about ghosts?”

“Umm, ghosts aren’t real, man” I replied.

But this book makes me wonder. Because the relationships that Adam has with ghosts seem very real. I mean, his best friend is a ghost. But this book isn’t about friendly ghosts, it’s about an angry ghost who wants his house back.

But Adam isn’t afraid. In fact, he taunts the ghost that haunts his house. “Bring it on!” he says. “Oh, you’ve got Warrior Spirits that are going to drag me out of my house kicking and screaming? Heh. Sure you do.”

But there really are Warrior Spirits. They’re like a SWAT team for the spirit world. They show up, guns blazing, and evict whomever they please. Okay, they don’t really have guns. That’d be silly. But they got flaming swords, at least. That’ll scare em!

But it doesn’t scare Adam. He knows the SWAT team is on its way, and he doesn’t care. He’s got an ace in his back pocket. His grandpa has fought ghosts for ages, and he gives Adam the advice he needs to fight off the ghostly SWAT team.

Apparently, Archangel Michael is an instant-win card for the living. All you have to do is call on him, and wham-o, Archangel Michael shows up, and saves the day. It’s a good thing too, because the SWAT team had filled Adam’s house with smoke, and covered it in ghostly ice. It was looking pretty nasty, until Archie showed up.

So, don’t be afraid of ghosts. If they’re real, you can always call on uncle Archie to help you out. Just don’t try to have a conversation with the guy… He’s kind of anti-social.

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3 of 5 Mary-Sue-Got-Married Stars – A Glimmer of Guile by Mary Patterson Thornburg.

This book is a very standard fantasy tale. A young girl is sent on an impossible quest, with only a few friends to guide and protect her. All she has are her wits, and her ‘guile’ to carry her through her journey, to find the kidnapped prince, or whatever.

‘Guile’ is how this book refers to magic. But not everyone has guile. Most find their guile sometime near puberty. The perfect time for a life-sacrificing journey. I’m just sayin’, good thing there weren’t many boys around.

Vivia, our young heroine, gets on a ship, to travel to Maal, where this so-called prince is being kept. Or so she hopes. I mean, nobody really knows where the fuck this guy is hiding. Hell, maybe he just ran away. Young princes often do such things.

Onboard the ship, she bumps heads with the captain. He’s a big, nasty bastard, and wants to sell her into slavery, or something. One can only hope for sex slavery. Vivia, of course, takes offense at this and hatches a nifty little scheme to get the nasty bastard thrown overboard and eaten by sharks.

She uses her guile to make a phantom image of the captain, and he promptly has a heart attack, because he’s such a scary guy. Yea, right. I can see being taken aback a bit, after seeing a phantom image of yourself coming at you, but come on man. How scared can you be of yourself?

Vivia’s evil plan worked, and the ship carried on to Maal, where Vivia bumped into some shady characters who promised that they had the same goals in mind, to save the prince. But really, they wanted to kill the evil witch-bitch that ruled the land with an iron fist.

Vivia’s power grows out of control. She pretty much kills everyone. Evil, good, funny lookin’, it didn’t really matter. For a moment there, I could have sworn that she was turning into an evil bitch-witch herself, but sadly, she didn’t. She got married, and lived happily ever after. Goddamnit to hell.

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3 of 5 Bustin-My-Book-Cherry Stars – The Lament of Sky by BB Wynter

This book reminds me of the first book that I read for my own pleasure, as a teenager. It was David Eddings’ Pawn of Prophecy. Before that book, I had only read books because of school assignments. It never occurred to me to actually read a book because I wanted to.

Pawn of Prophecy popped my reading-for-pleasure cherry. I was hooked on fantasy, and couldn’t get enough of it. That is, until I started reading some other authors, and realized that it was just Eddings’ masterful writing that made those books worth reading.

So it’s a good thing when I say this book, The Lament of Sky, actually reminds me of Eddings’ work. I don’t read much fantasy fiction anymore, because I find so much of it so fucking formulaic. Some nobody gets dragged along on an epic adventure, usually against their will. And surprise, surprise, they turn out to be long-lost royalty, or something.

And this book is no different. It’s the same goddamn formula as every other fantasy story ever written. A long-lost princess is saved from a simple life, only to be dragged along, on an epic adventure. She protests at every turn. She couldn’t possibly be this super-important magical queen, or whatever. She’s just this girl, ya know?

Of course, I found her protests silly as fuck, because everyone knows what’s going to happen. She’s gonna cry and whine, and carry on, but she’s still going to go along with the crew to save the world and shit. She’s just gonna moan and bitch while she does it.

What made this story different, was the fact that she had to put up with so many people sabotaging her journey. The people who are supposed to protect her turn out to be like evil or something. They’re secretly conniving against her the whole time. Cool.

But there’s at least one guy, of course, who is pure of heart. He helps her along her journey, and tries to fend off those who seek to destroy her. I liked this guy. He had a hard time convincing young whats-her-face that he just wanted to help her. Because all her other ‘helpers’ just ended up stabbing her in the back.

But eventually, he wins her over, and they go off and save the day. Stop the world from exploding, and all that happy horseshit. And they probably had crazy hippy sex when I wasn’t paying attention. Because I’m pretty sure the dude was drugging her or something. You just can’t trust those fairy-boys. They’re sneaky little fuckers.

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3 of 5 Super-Bored Stars – Magic Artinia by Alina Grigorovitch

This book is very strange. It’s like a homework assignment. Like the teacher said, “Okay class, I want you to write a story about a unique world. A complete planet, separate from our own.”

In that respect, I’d have to give this author a C-. She created a unique world, sure, but she cheated. All she did is take the Earth, and everything about it, and change a few minor details. Like God. Their God is the same as ours, but it’s Bob. Like, “Bobdamnit!” or “For Bob’s sake, stop being such a cunt!”

And then there’s Diet Coke, or as this world calls it, ‘Diet Crack’. Apparently all soda-pop is referred to as Crack. Not as a joke. I mean, that’s what the fucking government calls it. They have food laws and shit. “You’re only allowed one can of Crack per day…”

Another reason that this book is sub-par, is because of its complete lack of anything resembling a fucking story. It’s like the author spent so much time coming up with her so-called ‘unique world’, that she forgot to actually include a story. Because this book is like a long episode of Seinfeld. It’s pointless. It’s about nothing. It just goes on and on about the normal, every-day life of people on this planet. Nothing interesting happens. Just people going to work. Going on a vacation to Hawaii. Going to school. Who gives a flying fuck?

Oh, but some of these perfectly boring people can actually fly! It’s part of this whole ‘unique world’ thing. People of this planet have what they call ‘tokens’, which are super-power like abilities. Everyone has a token. Some can fly. Some can see really far. Some can do math really well. Some can time travel. And some can bang your mom. Because seriously dude, your mom is nasty.

Okay, fine. An entire world filled with people who have super-powers. Wow, this should be good, right? I mean, with all those super-powers, something cool has got to happen, right? Not even, man. For some reason, nobody really uses their super-powers. Because for them, tokens aren’t really super. Your token is more like a zit on your forehead. You don’t really want to show it off to everyone. In fact, most people of this world hide their tokens, out of embarrassment.

What the fuck? Why do authors have to skullfuck their ideas so much? You create a world full of super-heroes and super-villains. There should be non-stop action, for fuck’s sake. But no. It’s just filing these papers. Getting some coffee. Chatting up some cute girls. Oh. My. Bob. Come on…

There should be so much more action in this fucking book. Not that there has to be non-stop action, mind you. You can make a perfectly good story without any real action at all. Just make it interesting. Have characters that someone might actually give a shit about. Is that so hard? Am I asking too much? I think not.

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4 of 5 Pesky-Devil Stars – Messenger by Lois Lowry.

This book is one of the low-tech stories in the Giver series. It’s set in a simple village. People have simple lives, working on farms, weaving cloth, smelting iron, etc.

It’s the story of what happens when the devil comes to town. It’s not actually said that the man is, in fact, the devil. But to me, it’s the only logical conclusion.

Because, the devil offers people amazing gifts. He can heal the sick. He can make someone love you. He can give you riches. A beautiful house. A majestic horse. Pretty much anything you desire, the devil can provide.

But of course, there’s a price to be paid for all these gifts. The forest is dying. Hell, their world is dying. So, one boy takes it upon himself to heal their forest, and set everything right that the devil has set wrong.

It really is a heartwarming tale. It seriously pisses me off that there wasn’t much wrong with it. The characters were vibrant. The story was well told.

Most of the time, I find myself rooting for the villain. But in this story, I actually wanted to see good prevail. Because the author actually made me give a shit about the characters. I wanted them to live, and be happy.

This is so uncharacteristic of me. I usually enjoy the pain and suffering on the page. But with this book, I really wanted to see the devil get what he deserved. And so, he did.

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