Archive for the ‘Fiction’ Category

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4 of 5 Whimpy-Korean-Fucker Stars – Chewy Noh and the Phantasm of Winter by Tim Learn.

For someone like me, who’s never heard of any Korean mythology, this book is very strange. I mean, who knew that there was a fucking god of the kitchen, goddess of the bathroom, and a god of the door. Yes, apparently Koreans worship the door to their bathroom. Crazy fucking wack-jobs.

This book is the second installment of the Korean retard known as Chewy Noh. Okay, he’s not technically retarded, but he’s not smart, that’s for damn sure. He’s some Junior High kid who can only pass tests at school because he’s literally got super-powers that allow him to pass any test. You know, like X-Men mutant powers.

But without his super-powers, he’s completely retarded. In this book, he soon wishes he doesn’t have super test taking skills, because his new teacher starts to think he’s cheating. She gets a total hard-on for Chewy. No, not sexually. That’s sick. No, she gets a hard-on for catching the little shit cheating.

She makes tests that no student could possibly pass. She even puts trick questions in there, that don’t even have a correct answer. But Chewy still gets a perfect score. So she gets an even bigger hard-on for him, and keeps making more impossible tests, to prove that chewy is a low-down dirty fucking cheater. You know, like all Koreans. Hey, shuddup. That’s not me being racist. That’s the author’s words right there. So, suck it.

Chewy starts getting haunted by the god of doors. Or something. He goes through the door to the bathroom at a party, and all the sudden he’s someplace else. Like it was a portal or something. Apparently, that’s what the door god does. He makes portals out of doors.

Chewy gets this bright idea. In order to trick his teacher into thinking he’s not a typical Korean cheater, he’s going to have to sneak into her office and steal the answers to the next test. He’s going to have to cheat, in order to actually prove that he’s not a cheater. As I said, he’s fucking retarded.

Then there’s the whole ‘Winter Soldier’ thing. Another ghost, who may or may not be the god of the toilet, is causing all kinds of havoc. He/she/it is terrorizing kids everywhere. Attacking them, and sending them to the hospital. So Chewy and his buddy put on their best Scooby-Doo impression, and go around trying to figure out who the ghost is, and what they want.

I’ve never been a fan of ghost stories. Because ghosts don’t fucking exist. I’ll never forget one time my next door neighbor asked me, “What do you mean, you don’t believe in god? How do you explain ghosts, then?” I gave her my most plain stare and answered, “Simple. They don’t exist either.”

But then again, monsters don’t really exist, and I love me a good monster story. And I don’t hate this book because it’s a ghost story. I don’t hate it at all, really. It’s actually quite good. It’s much better than the first story in the series.

I liked it because it had an actual story line, unlike the first book. It had a real plot. There was some actual meat on them bones. And the Korean mythology was actually quite interesting to read. But I was still hoping that one of those ghosts would totally kill poor Chewy. Because he really is the most pathetic hero I’ve ever read about.

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1 of 5 Stupid-Ass-Girly Stars – Twilight by Stephenie Meyer.

I fucking hate Mary-Sue stories. And this is a classic example of a Mary-Sue, where the author puts themselves in the book as some fucking damsel in distress. She gets saved by some hot young hunk, and they get married and have a bunch of fucking babies. Classic Mary-Sue. And I fucking hate it so much.

But I don’t really hate this book because it’s a Mary-Sue. I hate it because it’s fucking stupid. A friend of mine recommended this book to me. Said I just had to read it, because it’s so amazing. I’ve since strangled that bastard and buried him in my backyard. With his bare ass poking out of the ground, so anyone can just wander by and fuck him. Because that’s what he deserves for recommending this fucking book.

Fifty Shades of Grey, which is fanfic of this book is 9000 times better than Twilight. Seriously. I’m not saying that Fifty is written better. Because it certainly isn’t. But it’s a better story that actually makes a tiny bit of sense. But sparkling vegan vampires? Seriously? Go fuck yourself, Stephenie Meyer.

The Mary-Sue in this book is Bella. A plain, boring, pathetic teenage girl, who just moved to a small town in bum-fuck nowhere. Way the fuck out in the woods, in Washington state. Reading about all her bullshit teenage angst just made me want to puke. Or punch her in the face. Because shut the fuck up, already. Stop whining, you stupid cunt. Yeah, life sucks. Welcome to your teenage years. Get over it.

She goes to her new school, and meets the most handsome guy in the world. Seriously, that’s how he’s described. “The most handsome guy in the world.” Yeah, right. This is yet another reason why I fucking hate Mary-Sue stories. Because he’s always the most handsome guy. And she’s always plain and boring. And handsome guy always wants her anyway. Why, goddamnit? Give me a fucking reason, besides this being a Mary-Sue. Just one fucking reason why Edward wants anything to do with plain old Bella.

Okay, so maybe there’s ONE reason. But still, it’s not a very good reason. He can’t read her mind. He can read everyone else’s mind, but he can’t read hers. So, she intrigues him. This actually makes sense to me. But he still shouldn’t be attracted to her. Curious, yes. Attracted, no. If he was a real vampire, he’d just take her out in the woods and rip her fucking head off. Because you can’t have bitches running around with control over you. Fuck that. That bitch has got to die.

But no. Edward can’t do that. Because he’s a fucking vegan vampire, or something. His family doesn’t eat humans. Or even kill them for sport. Where’s the fun in that? What the fuck is the point of being a goddamn vampire if you’re not killing humans for fun and profit? It’s so fucking retarded. Apparently, his family just hunt animals and shit. Like fucking bums.

It’s no wonder that the rest of the vampire community wants to kill Edward and his family. Because they’re just not normal vampires. They’re tainting the goddamn bloodline. You don’t want the rest of the vampires to start acting gay and going all vegan and shit. That would ruin the whole vampire reputation. I mean, hot bitches don’t really go for the gay-ass vegans. They go for blood-sucking, hardcore vampires.

And don’t get me started on the whole sparkly vampire shit. Vampires should fucking die in the sunlight. Period. Okay, there’s one exception. Blade. Because he’s a hybrid. I can buy that. It makes a tiny bit of sense. But just sparkling in sunlight and not bursting into flames? That’s bullshit, man.

As if there wasn’t enough fucking Mary-Sue horseshit in this story, another hot guy wants Bella for himself. A shape-shifter doggie. And seriously, he’s hotter than gay-boy Edward. And he’s really better for Bella. Because he’s not a blood-sucking monster. And he’s actually kind of manly. He fixes and rides motorcycles and shit, man. This guy is cool.

He really makes so much more sense as a boyfriend for Bella. But dammit, she’s gonna do what she wants. Because she’s a stupid fucking teenager. She doesn’t give a fuck who’s better for her. All she cares about is doing the wrong thing, because that’s what teenagers do. And Edward is so good-looking. Even though he’s evil. But, that makes him dangerous. And dangerous is sexy.

Maybe if the sexy wolf boy, Jacob, had been more dangerous, he might have had a chance. He should have kicked the shit out of Edward, and called it a day. But apparently, Jacob is kind of a pussy, even though he’s macho and manly. Because he doesn’t start shit. He just pines for Bella like a goddamn girly-boy and doesn’t do a fucking thing about it.

I know this book is popular as fuck, but I have no idea why. It’s very hard to read, because it’s filled with so much teenage emotion and angst and fucking girly shit. I guess I can understand why girls would read it. Because girls are fucking stupid. But why, oh why, would a guy read this and recommend it to me? I just don’t get it. Just for that I’m going to go out in the backyard and fuck his ass. Shuddup. It’s not gay if he’s dead.

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GLEE RUINED MY LIFE! Because I thought I was gay, but then I watched that show. Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s fucking hilarious.

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3 of 5 Useless-As-Fuck Stars – Dark Matters: Two tales of Crime and Madness by Andrew Leon Hudson.

This book does not contain ‘two tales of crime and madness’. It’s one tale of ‘crime and madness’ and one tale of bullshit. And it’s even hard to say that the first one is about crime. There’s a murder, sure. But it’s more about love and madness really.

The first story is about a dripping faucet in some guy’s kitchen. And it’s driving him fucking insane. I’m not sure why. I mean, just fix the fucking thing. How hard is that? But no. He’s got to argue about it with his girlfriend, and stab her in the heart for no apparent reason.

And then, he figures he’d better call the cops. Because he’s done a bad, naughty, evil thing. And he should be punished, or something. So, a huge smart-ass cop comes to the door. He’s an asshole. And he notices that this guy has got a leaky faucet. So he looks under there, and sure enough, there’s a leaky faucet, along with a leaky girlfriend.

But here’s where the madness comes in. Because I’m pretty sure that this cop didn’t exist. He was just a figment of this guy’s imagination. Because there’s no cop in the world that would act as wacky as this strange cop. So it had to be in this guy’s head. Which is cool, because it made the story very fun to read.

The second story in this book is about the manager of a comedy club. A rather dark comedy club. Where they talk about fucking Jesus in the ass, and giving Satan a bloody hand job. That’s fine and dandy, but it wasn’t much of a story.

It’s just about some comedians who want to quit the gig. It’s about how comedy is just allowing people to wallow in their misery. It doesn’t solve anything. It just allows the audience to pause reality for a few seconds. To take a laughter vacation, if you will.

But thankfully, someone does at least die in this story. I was hoping that all the comedians, along with their hapless manager would just have a huge suicide pact and blow the place up or something. That would have been fun. But no, it’s really just endless drivel.

I can’t say that I’d really recommend this book to anyone. I’d recommend the first story, for sure. But the second story just ruins it. So if you want to read this book, just skip the second story. Because it’s just completely useless and pointless. It doesn’t deserve to be in the same volume as the first story. It deserves to be skull-fucked to death. Preferably in front of a cheering audience.

I’M LOOSING MY MIND! ha got you to look. Thankfuly my book was edited by a grammar natzi but my blogs arn’t. Check out my book at amazon: http://amzn.to/1wKcVK6

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3 of 5 Teenage-Fuck-Fest Stars – Sex in the Apartment by Scarlet Cunniliffe.

This book reminds me a lot of my prepubescent years. Young kids breaking into abandoned houses to fondle each other. Even though we didn’t even know what sex was, we knew we wanted to see each other’s junk. And we sure as fuck wanted to play with that junk. Preferably some place that our parents couldn’t barge in and interrupt. Because that’s a huge boner-killer, lemme tell ya.

Sex in the Apartment is about some young teenagers who break into an abandoned military building, somewhere in London. And they turn it into their own private sex club. Even though they’re all virgins, they fondle each other madly until someone has the bright idea to stick a cock in a pussy. And they’re off to the races after that.

But it turns out that just fucking all the time gets kinda boring. So they start taking naked pictures. Pics of big dicks. Picks of wet pussies. And pics of straight-up teenage orgies. Of course what they didn’t really realize was that they were actually creating child porn. But they did soon find out that there was quite a market for what they were making. So they started selling their child porn, and made a fucking fortune.

And then, for some reason, the mob gets involved. They want porn movies. Hot underage teenage porn movies. With sexy rape scenes. And of course some chick getting banged by a dog. Because duh. The sicker the better when it comes to kiddy porn, apparently.

But instead, the kids go back to their ‘apartment’ and start thinking up fucking games. You know, like that time you stuck ping-pong balls in your pussy, and shot them across the room for all your friends to see. They cheered you on so much that you got some of your girlfriends to join in. You all gathered around a bucket and shot balls into it with your pussy, until someone finally gets a ball stuck up their twat.

Yes, that scene actually happened in this book. But then the guys get bored again, and go out and find some runaway whore who wants to get the fuck of her life. She wants to get covered in cocks and pussy and ass and jizz. On film, of course. So they do it. They have a huge fucking orgy with this sore twat as the centerpiece. And they all get high as fuck on some coke. And weed. And hell, whatever other drugs happen to be lying around.

And as this crazy orgy is going on, the poor runaway is apparently dying. I mean literally dying. As three guys are cumming in her mouth, anus, and pussy, this girl is having a fucking heart attack. And she fucking dies right there, as these guys are cumming all over her face. Good times.

The best part is when they started arguing about who was going to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I mean the girl’s face was covered in fresh jizz. It was still bubbling up in her mouth. Gross, man. But some brave girl did come (heh come) forward and dig some of the jizz out of the girl’s mouth, and try to revive her. To no avail, of course.

So they buried her in the woods, as you do. And decided to lock up the apartment and never to return. And then they all get arrested the next day. For murdering a young girl. Or no, maybe it was for distributing child porn. No that wasn’t it either. They got arrested for trespassing on government property. Seriously, man? After all that shit they did? Come on, now.

The problem I have with this book is the complete lack of any kind of plot. It wasn’t much of a story at all. It was pretty much just porn from beginning to end. There wasn’t even any real conflict, until the very end. And of course, there was no depth at all to the characters. I didn’t give a flying fuck about any of them. The could have all died in a fucking plane crash in the end, and I couldn’t have cared less.

But that being said, I still did enjoy this book. I mean it wasn’t ‘shocking’ as the author assured me that it would be. To some, it may be shocking, but certainly not me. I mean, who hasn’t shoved a carrot up some twat? Or a huge zucchini up someone’s ass. This is not new or shocking. It’s just porn. Entertaining porn, sure. But it’s not breaking new ground. And it didn’t even give me a mild chubby. So not very good porn, really.

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4 of 5 Bloody-Fucked Stars – Prescription for Ratings: The Contestants by Kaisy Wilkerson-Mills.

This is a very interesting story. It’s filled with plenty of blood and guts and gore. And there’s even a reason for all the horror. It’s pure unadulterated bloody entertainment. It’s a reality show on crack.

Yes, this really is a story about a reality show, where people kill each other for fun and entertainment. Well, it’s not really for fun. For the producers, and the audience, maybe. But the contestants certainly don’t have any fun. They’re actually fighting for their lives. Fighting for the promise of fame and fortune.

The story begins with four contestants. A man and his wife. And a woman and her brother. It’s not really a coincidence that the woman hates her brother. And the wife kinda sorta hates her husband. Well, she doesn’t really hate him, per se. But he’s pretty much useless, and can’t give her the glamorous life she thinks she deserves.

First, it’s the woman against her brother. You can easily guess who wins, but I’m not going to spoil it for you. Then it’s the wife versus her husband. Again, take a wild guess who wins. It’s not really much of a surprise.

Then, the two remaining fighters get to rip each other apart. But not before being dosed with some uber-crack to bump up their adrenaline. I mean, you’ve got to make the fight as bloody and gory as possible if you want to get those sick-ass ratings, right? Damn straight.

The only problem I had with this story, is the fact that it’s incomplete. I mean, there are a lot of unanswered questions. But at least I know why. It’s because this is a part of a fucking series. So they left plenty of open holes to fill with the next story in the series.

Well, fuck that shit, man. I don’t want to read the next story because you fucking tricked me into it. I want to read the next one because this story was actually good. You didn’t need to leave so many holes in this story. People are going to read the next one because this one was actually quite good. Not to fill in the blanks, but just to continue reading such awesomeness.

But still, I really enjoyed this story. It had quite a bit of action in a short package. And the author even provided plenty of backstory, so you know why the woman hates her brother, and why the wife despises her useless husband. I can’t wait to see this show on TV. It’s gonna be good clean and bloody fun.

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White Walker – is the devil

Posted: June 24, 2015 in Fiction

—— After reading this book, I’m so glad I never worked in a fucking call center.

Glenn Hates Books

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3 of 5 Chilled-Butt-Hole Stars – White Walker by Richard Schiver

I’m pretty sure that all call centers are some form of hell. I mean, every time I get a telemarketing call, I politely listen to their pitch. I even ask questions. Like, “Oh really? And how long is this offer available? No way! You’ve got to be kidding me…” Then, after they are sure the sale is imminent, I say “Just kidding, man. Go fuck yourself!” and abruptly hang up on ’em. Good times, man.

This book is about a call center that’s surrounded by a wicked snow storm. How the fuck all the characters in this book actually got to work during such a storm, is anyone’s guess. I mean, if you’re working at a goddamn call center, wouldn’t you look for ANY fucking reason to stay home?

Seriously, if it was snowing, there’s no fucking way I’m…

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—— I didn’t know how much I hated 60’s music until I read this book. So, thanks for that.

Glenn Hates Books

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2 of 5 Crazy-Hippy Stars – In Search of Captain Beefheart by Opher Goodwin.

I think I’m too young for this book. Which is funny, because I’m 45 years old, for fuck’s sake. My hair and beard are full-on grey. I’m an old man, as far as I’m concerned. But this book makes me feel I’m a goddamn spring chicken. Because of the 60’s, man.

I fucking hate the 60’s. If the author of this book didn’t send me a copy, and request a review, I would have never read it. If I saw the cover in a book store, I would just keep on walking past. Because they’re hippies, man. Fucking hippies scare me.

This book is about music. From the 60’s, all the way to current music. It’s about being a goddamn groupie. A wanna-be. I would think that it would be easier to be a groupie if…

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5 of 5 Sickly-Awesome Stars – Horror Stories by  Jack Kilborn and J.A. Konrath.

This book is fucking amazing. I love horror stories, but most of the time they’re not very good. Like Stephen King books, for example. They fucking suck donkey balls. They’re not scary, or even interesting most of the time. But this book? Holy fuck-balls, Batman. It’s full of short horror stories that will totally blow your mind.

There’s a story about a man who’s obsessed with beating the world record for pull-ups. He’s so close, he can taste it. But he just can’t make it. So he loses some weight. But that still doesn’t cut it. So he has a doctor amputate his legs. Closer, but no cigar. So he has the doctor remove organs, and anything else that isn’t really needed to live. He wakes up in the hospital bed with no arms. I’m pretty sure you could hear him screaming “FUCK MY LIFE!!!!” from Mars.

Then there’s a story about some fucked-up gangsters. Some poor sap lost a card game and can’t pay up. So they give him a choice. He can either get shot in the fucking head, or he can hold his hand on the pan on the stove for ten seconds. They told him that the last guy didn’t last more than three seconds. So the guy turns on the stove and burns the living shit out of his hand for their amusement. Then the boss guy says, “You know, we never said you had to turn the burner on.” And the gangsters just laugh their fucking asses off.

There’s like twenty more stories like this in this book. They’re all fucking awesome. And each story comes with an introduction by the authors. Like how the story came together, and how impossible it was to get them published. I found those little tid-bits very interesting. But the stories themselves are what carried this book to fucking-awesome-land.

I’d recommend this book to anyone who loves horror stories, or horror movies, or anything horror. Hell, even if you’re not sure about horror and want to give it a try, check this book out. You’ll get hooked on this shit so fast. Unfortunately, you’re fucked after reading this book. Because you can’t find horror stories like this very often. So enjoy these stories while you can.

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—— I expected better from you, Mr. Adams. Shame on you for making me love your work. I hate this book so much.

Glenn Hates Books

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2 of 5 Title-Is-More-Interesting-Than-The-Book Stars – The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul by Douglas Adams.

Douglas Adams is one of my favorite authors. I absolutely love the Hitchhikers series. But, this book… This Dirk Gently series is complete garbage. It’s very disappointing. I really wanted to like this series, but I just can’t. And to think, they actually made a British TV series out of these books. So sad.

I distinctly remember when I first read this book. The wife and I waited in line at the bookstore, in 1989. We both got a copy, because there was no fucking way I was going to wait for her to finish, even though it only took her a couple hours. About two chapters into my book, I turned to her and asked, “What the fuck is this book about?”

“Hell if I know,” she said. By that time she was…

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—— This series really is fucking awesome. I’d highly recommend it, especially if you love sci-fi as much as I do.

Glenn Hates Books

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4 of 5 Crazy-Cyborg Stars – Exit Ruinland by C.J. Anderson.

This book contains all 4 books in the Ruinland series. All 4? Seriously? Fucking awesome! I mean, I’ve read the whole series, and fucking loved it. The author’s grasp of A.I., and Sci-Fi in general is quite impressive. Her robots are like HAL 9000 on crack. Mmmm, crack.

The first story in this book is fascinating. There’s an underground bunker with 70 people, who are all trying to survive the nuclear apocalypse. A central A.I. named Sophia controls the bunker, and she’s an evil little cunt. The A.I. even has its own henchman, a synthetic humanoid named Chiron, who carries out Sophia’s commands.

Apparently, Sophia is on the rag or something, because she/it has gone completely bat-shit insane. She thinks it’s her job to purify the human race, to ensure the perfect evolution of humanity. So, she goes through…

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