First Night – is a terror-filled night

4 of 5 Kids-With-Guns Stars – The Oneiro Rangers in First Night by Erwin Blackthorn

This is a great story, if you start reading it on page 14. Seriously, the first 14 pages are complete horse shit. And it really pisses me off, considering that the whole book is only 70 goddamn pages. So that’s 20% of the book completely wasted. Motherfucker. What a great way to get readers to throw this fucking thing in the trash from the very beginning, you fucking idiot of an author.

That being said, if you skip those first 14 pages, this is a very good story. I quite enjoyed it. It’s about a bunch of kids attending an academy to train them to become Oneiro Rangers. Or wizards. Or something. Because it really reminded me of the Harry Potter books. With Dementors, a sorting machine, and even a Professor Snape for fuck’s sake.

The story follows a few kids who survived an attack by a Nightterror (aka Dementor), which kidnapped the entire school. Only these few kids remain, along with their Professor Snape to guide them. Oh, and some mysterious Doctor who I can only assume is Professor Dumbledore, because he explains the whole mess to the kids and gives them the tools to defeat the Dementors.

It really is a great story, despite the fact that the cover looks like it was designed by a retarded 1st grader. I man, come on. The graphic is okay, but the text just looks… I dunno. Stupid, I guess. Amateur. But, whatever… It’s still a great story, and I would highly recommend it. As long as you skip the first boring, useless, 14 pages.

 

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The Cauldron – isn’t deep enough

1 of 5 Totally-Useless Stars – The Cauldron by Anthony Morgan-Clark

This book was fucking stupid. And pointless. And frankly, a waste of my fucking time. But it’s not even a book, really. It’s a short story. And the format that I was given to review was jam packed with shit-tons of promotional material for the author’s other books. So really, only 50% of it was this story. And the first 90% of the actual story was total garbage. So really, there’s only a 3 page story in this “book”. Fucking pathetic.

The story revolves around some stupid teenage cunt living in England, or something. I only say England, because it uses terms from that area. Could be any part of Europe, really. But anyway, this stupid cunt is chatting online with some pervs, and she agrees to meet up with them.

As I said, the first 90% or so was a complete waste, because nothing really happens. She gets stood up by the pervs. She chats with her parents. She argues with her friends. She chats with her parents some more… Who gives a bloody fuck, man? It’s fucking pointless.

And then, after the first huge chunk of useless pages, we finally get to a point when this stupid cunt does meet up with the pervy punks. Some dude and his girlfriend. They basically abduct the stupid cunt, and take her to some rave, or something. And kill her, for no apparent reason. Because that’s what pervs do, I guess.

And this is where I get a bit confused. Because it’s said that this stupid cunt is now a corpse in the back of these perv’s car. Okay, fine. Then she wakes up some time later, and enters this rave. A huge party with a bunch of strange people. And she sees the pervs that killed her and she doesn’t go “Hey, fuckers. What for you strangle me in your car, man?”

So what’s the deal? Did she wake up in some alternate reality? Did they just drug her with something? Did they take her in the rave and just zap her alive, or something? Or is this some fucking zombie rave? I have no fucking idea. And I don’t really care. Because it really is just a 3 page story, given that the rest of it was such total shit. This part was only slightly interesting, because it didn’t make any fucking sense. And that’s not necessarily a good thing.

I believe this story is part of a series, and I almost want to read the next story, because it may have a bit more meat on its bones than this one. And it may even explain some of the weirdness that’s going on in this story. So I can’t say that this story is a complete waste, because it really is just setting up the rest of the series. But damn. On its own, it really is a complete waste of space and time.

Dark Matters – is not nearly dark enough

3 of 5 Useless-As-Fuck Stars – Dark Matters: Two tales of Crime and Madness by Andrew Leon Hudson.

This book does not contain ‘two tales of crime and madness’. It’s one tale of ‘crime and madness’ and one tale of bullshit. And it’s even hard to say that the first one is about crime. There’s a murder, sure. But it’s more about love and madness really.

The first story is about a dripping faucet in some guy’s kitchen. And it’s driving him fucking insane. I’m not sure why. I mean, just fix the fucking thing. How hard is that? But no. He’s got to argue about it with his girlfriend, and stab her in the heart for no apparent reason.

And then, he figures he’d better call the cops. Because he’s done a bad, naughty, evil thing. And he should be punished, or something. So, a huge smart-ass cop comes to the door. He’s an asshole. And he notices that this guy has got a leaky faucet. So he looks under there, and sure enough, there’s a leaky faucet, along with a leaky girlfriend.

But here’s where the madness comes in. Because I’m pretty sure that this cop didn’t exist. He was just a figment of this guy’s imagination. Because there’s no cop in the world that would act as wacky as this strange cop. So it had to be in this guy’s head. Which is cool, because it made the story very fun to read.

The second story in this book is about the manager of a comedy club. A rather dark comedy club. Where they talk about fucking Jesus in the ass, and giving Satan a bloody hand job. That’s fine and dandy, but it wasn’t much of a story.

It’s just about some comedians who want to quit the gig. It’s about how comedy is just allowing people to wallow in their misery. It doesn’t solve anything. It just allows the audience to pause reality for a few seconds. To take a laughter vacation, if you will.

But thankfully, someone does at least die in this story. I was hoping that all the comedians, along with their hapless manager would just have a huge suicide pact and blow the place up or something. That would have been fun. But no, it’s really just endless drivel.

I can’t say that I’d really recommend this book to anyone. I’d recommend the first story, for sure. But the second story just ruins it. So if you want to read this book, just skip the second story. Because it’s just completely useless and pointless. It doesn’t deserve to be in the same volume as the first story. It deserves to be skull-fucked to death. Preferably in front of a cheering audience.

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Prescription for Ratings – blood, blood, and more blood

 

4 of 5 Bloody-Fucked Stars – Prescription for Ratings: The Contestants by Kaisy Wilkerson-Mills.

This is a very interesting story. It’s filled with plenty of blood and guts and gore. And there’s even a reason for all the horror. It’s pure unadulterated bloody entertainment. It’s a reality show on crack.

Yes, this really is a story about a reality show, where people kill each other for fun and entertainment. Well, it’s not really for fun. For the producers, and the audience, maybe. But the contestants certainly don’t have any fun. They’re actually fighting for their lives. Fighting for the promise of fame and fortune.

The story begins with four contestants. A man and his wife. And a woman and her brother. It’s not really a coincidence that the woman hates her brother. And the wife kinda sorta hates her husband. Well, she doesn’t really hate him, per se. But he’s pretty much useless, and can’t give her the glamorous life she thinks she deserves.

First, it’s the woman against her brother. You can easily guess who wins, but I’m not going to spoil it for you. Then it’s the wife versus her husband. Again, take a wild guess who wins. It’s not really much of a surprise.

Then, the two remaining fighters get to rip each other apart. But not before being dosed with some uber-crack to bump up their adrenaline. I mean, you’ve got to make the fight as bloody and gory as possible if you want to get those sick-ass ratings, right? Damn straight.

The only problem I had with this story, is the fact that it’s incomplete. I mean, there are a lot of unanswered questions. But at least I know why. It’s because this is a part of a fucking series. So they left plenty of open holes to fill with the next story in the series.

Well, fuck that shit, man. I don’t want to read the next story because you fucking tricked me into it. I want to read the next one because this story was actually good. You didn’t need to leave so many holes in this story. People are going to read the next one because this one was actually quite good. Not to fill in the blanks, but just to continue reading such awesomeness.

But still, I really enjoyed this story. It had quite a bit of action in a short package. And the author even provided plenty of backstory, so you know why the woman hates her brother, and why the wife despises her useless husband. I can’t wait to see this show on TV. It’s gonna be good clean and bloody fun.

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Horror Stories – is quite horrific

5 of 5 Sickly-Awesome Stars – Horror Stories by  Jack Kilborn and J.A. Konrath.

This book is fucking amazing. I love horror stories, but most of the time they’re not very good. Like Stephen King books, for example. They fucking suck donkey balls. They’re not scary, or even interesting most of the time. But this book? Holy fuck-balls, Batman. It’s full of short horror stories that will totally blow your mind.

There’s a story about a man who’s obsessed with beating the world record for pull-ups. He’s so close, he can taste it. But he just can’t make it. So he loses some weight. But that still doesn’t cut it. So he has a doctor amputate his legs. Closer, but no cigar. So he has the doctor remove organs, and anything else that isn’t really needed to live. He wakes up in the hospital bed with no arms. I’m pretty sure you could hear him screaming “FUCK MY LIFE!!!!” from Mars.

Then there’s a story about some fucked-up gangsters. Some poor sap lost a card game and can’t pay up. So they give him a choice. He can either get shot in the fucking head, or he can hold his hand on the pan on the stove for ten seconds. They told him that the last guy didn’t last more than three seconds. So the guy turns on the stove and burns the living shit out of his hand for their amusement. Then the boss guy says, “You know, we never said you had to turn the burner on.” And the gangsters just laugh their fucking asses off.

There’s like twenty more stories like this in this book. They’re all fucking awesome. And each story comes with an introduction by the authors. Like how the story came together, and how impossible it was to get them published. I found those little tid-bits very interesting. But the stories themselves are what carried this book to fucking-awesome-land.

I’d recommend this book to anyone who loves horror stories, or horror movies, or anything horror. Hell, even if you’re not sure about horror and want to give it a try, check this book out. You’ll get hooked on this shit so fast. Unfortunately, you’re fucked after reading this book. Because you can’t find horror stories like this very often. So enjoy these stories while you can.

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End Trails – is some wacky wild west

4 of 5 Fucked-Up-Cowboy Stars – End Trails by Andrew Leon Hudson.

This book is fascinating. It’s two short stories about the ‘weird wild west’. It’s like The Twilight Zone, in the wild west, or something. Because these stories are strange. The author took standard wild west tales and put a sci-fi spin on them. It’s very cool.

The first story is about a guy who gets stuck in a jail cell, while the Sheriff lies dead just feet away. The keys still attached to the Sheriff’s belt. And the whole building is burning down. Oh, and some strange alien creature slithered out of the dead Sheriff’s mouth, and is coming for this poor sap stuck in the cell.

A very cool story. My eyes were glued to the pages. I couldn’t even imagine what would happen next, as the whole town gets infected by this strange alien parasite. Oh, and of course the guy has to get revenge on that cocksucker who locked him in the cell in the first place. Because it’s really a standard western story. But weird.

And then, there’s the story about zombies. Wild west zombies. It’s about a guy who gets killed during a card game. Because he’s a dirty rotten cheater. And, apparently, a rapist. A zombie rapist. Or something.

They dig a grave, and bury that motherfucker. But he’s not having it. He gets right out and goes on killing bitches. And then there are zombie whores. Oh my fucking god. Zombie whores! Can it get any better?

Well, yes actually… Because this story was rather boring. It was a little too much like a standard western story. Too much gun fighting, and not enough zombie fighting. And not enough whores. You can never have too many whores.

But I still really enjoyed this book. It’s a quick read, and very well-written. I’d recommend it to anyone who loves westerns. Or anyone who loves sci-fi. Or hell, anyone who just loves weird shit. Because this book totally skull-fucks westerns. In the best possible way.

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Strigoi – is quite the suck fest

2 of 5 Not-Very-Sparkly Stars Strigoi by Ron D. Voigts.

This is a very standard Dracula type story, where a vampire holds a secluded town under his spell. There’s nothing particularly original about it. It’s just vampires and shapeshifters and priests and whores and… Damn, it’s pretty much True Blood.

The story starts out with a man named Alex, trying to kill himself. And he’s not fucking around. He’s got a bottle of pills. A big fucking knife. And he’s jamming a gun in his mouth. He just can’t decide if he should shoot up, for more of a brain angle, or down, for more of a paralyzed the rest of your life angle. Why this is even a consideration, is anyone’s guess.

As he’s standing there in his kitchen, failing miserably to kill himself, a guy raps on the window. “Hey dumbass!” Alex looks around his kitchen, a bit confused. Mumbles something that sounds like, “Whooae meah?” With the gun still jammed in his mouth, of course.

Because fuck that bitch. There’s no fucking way Alex is letting his soon to be ex-wife get the last word. He’s determined to fucking end his life with a bang. “Yeah you, fucktard,” said the stranger outside the window. “I’ve got a package for ya. And trust me, you’re going to like it.”

A non-verbal argument ensued, as Alex tried to explain in no uncertain terms that he was in fact going to kill himself. No package or blowjob was going to change his fucking mind. Okay, maybe a really good blow job. But there’s nothing in a box that would possibly change his mind. Unless it was a dick-in-a-box.

Unfortunately, it was not, in fact, a dick-in-a-box. It was a letter informing Alex that his long-lost uncle had died and left him a huge estate out in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere. With tons of cash. And bitches. And vampires. Wait, no it didn’t say anything about the vampires. That would kind of give away Dracula’s evil tricks, now wouldn’t it? I mean it’s hard to lure fresh meat out to your secluded estate if you tell them up front that you ‘vant tooo drink thair bloooood’.

I really liked the first few chapters, and the last few chapters in this book. The in-between chapters sucked donkey balls. It’s just Alex meeting his creepy neighbors. Doing the whole Scoobie-Doo thing as he tries to unravel the mystery of how or why his so-called uncle was killed. And why, oh why do so many people want to suck him off? I mean, I’m not one to protest such things, but come on people, give it a rest.

In the end, I think this book should have been much shorter. Because there’s just way too much filler that didn’t need to be there. It’s just not a 300 page story. 100 pages, at the most. I’d probably even recommend this story if it was a concise 100 pages. Because then it would actually be worth reading. As it is, the bullshit in this story overtakes the good bits, and makes it suck in more ways than one.

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