Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits – needs to burn

2 of 5 Skull-Fucked Stars – Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits by David Wong

This book pisses me off so much. Because, I absolutely loved David Wong’s other novels. But this one is utter horse shit. Well, that’s not entirely true. I mean, it’s a decent short story. It would fit well into 100 pages or so. But no. He had to fucking sell out and stretch it the fuck out to nearly 400 goddamn pages. Motherfucker.

It’s like, after his last book hit the bestseller list, his publisher asked, “So, you got any other stories laying around that you could turn into a novel right quick?” and Wong said, “Well I got this short story…” and the publisher is all like, “Well, fuck it. Stretch that bitch out, and we’ll publish it, and make a bajillion dollars, man.” To which, Wong said, of course, “Fuck yea, man. I’m on it.”

The story is about some stupid white-trash cunt who, of course, lives in a fucking trailer park, with her white-trash whore of a mom. Why the fuck you would want to write a story about this stupid cunt is beyond me. It’s fucking stupid. Anyway, some strange hitman, with metal jaws, like real-life bionic jaws, that can eat through a motherfucking car, he comes after this stupid girl, because reasons.

Well, there is actually a reason. Apparently, some wealthy gangster dude was her long-lost dad that she didn’t know even existed. And he left her his fortune, and mansion, and like tons of shit. So the rival gangsters put a hit out on this stupid girl. As you do. And so the rampage is on. Until her dad’s gangsters catch wind of this plot, and set out to help the poor girl.

See? It’s a decent short story. But here comes the retarded stretch-out part that makes the story fucking pointless. You see, the rival gangs have been making these bionic hentchmen with dear ol’ dad’s magic bionic formula. However, it’s flawed, or something. Like the henchmen just randomly explode for some reason. But there’s a solution to this problem. Dad left the solution to his long-lost white-trash daughter. And so now, all the gangsters in the world are after the poor white-trash slut.

That’s it. 400 goddamn pages of the gangsters trying to get this program. It’s pretty much the same story over and over again every chapter. The gangsters ransome shit. And the girl’s gangsters fix it. Over and over and over. Maybe they storm her new mansion. Big deal. Her henchmen fix that shit too. So, really, there’s no conflict. Because everything turns out fine, over and over and over. Whoopotie-fucking-doo.

I wish I could give this book 1 star, but I can’t. Because it’s an alright story. If it was 100 pages or so. And as I said, I really love Wong’s other work. He just sold out for this one, for whatever reason. I can’t fault a guy for trying to make a buck. I just hope that he goes back to what he does best. Bat-shit-crazy stories that don’t make any sense whatsoever. That’s the problem with this book. It makes perfect sense. It has an actual plot. Who want’s that shit? I sure don’t.

An End to the Thrill – thank god there’s an end

2 of 5 Retarded-As-Fuck Stars – An End to the Thrill by Varun Kumar

This ‘book’ of short stories isn’t really a book. It’s only 52 pages, nine of which are filler bullshit. Dedications and such. Who the fuck cares? Why does it take nine fucking pages to get to the first goddamn story? It’s retarded. Such a waste of space. Hell, that wasted space is longer than most of the stories in this stupid collection.

Most of the stories are set in some kind of alternate reality or future. They’re science-fiction stories, which I usually like. But I didn’t like most of these stories. Mostly because they didn’t make any fucking sense. Or they required me to actually think. I don’t read stories to think, goddamnit. Just tell me what happened, for fuck’s sake. Is that too much to ask? Why do I have to guess and make my own goddamn conclusion? Isn’t that your responsibility as the writer? I guess not.

The first story in this collection is about a guy trying to make it rich with time travel. But either the character is retarded, or the author is. Probably both. Because the guy tells his wife he wants to see how his investments will do over twenty years, and tells her he’ll be back in five minutes. Apparently his plan was to go into the future twenty years, and check on his investments. Then return and change his investments accordingly.

Well, this doesn’t make any fucking sense. First of all, he placed the money in a trust, supposedly. That’s not usually an investment. Then, we find out he didn’t actually put the money in a trust. He hid it somewhere. Or something.

So, he shows up again, back from the future, and asks his wife, “So, what’s our money worth now?” Which also doesn’t make any fucking sense. Because she had no fucking access to the money. And wasn’t it his idea to go into the future to see what his investments would be worth? What the bloody fuck is going on? Why would he ask her? I just don’t get it.

The only story I actually liked also made no fucking sense whatsoever. A guy has an evil plan to get rich by buying lottery tickets every day. So yeah, that’s like the worst plan ever. So his wife leaves him for a guy who’s already rich. Cool. But the lottery guy wants revenge. So he keeps playing the lottery until he actually hits it big. So he invests in a huge scam where he starts a rumor that the world is going to end in ten years. And he puts up a billboard saying he’s got the only safe spot to watch the end of the world from. You know, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe style.

The catch is, you have to put up all your money in order to visit this so-called restaurant. And sure enough, only one couple on Earth is stupid enough to fall for this scam. The lottery guy and her rich lover. Seriously? That’s convenient. And also completely retarded. But still a slightly interesting story.

I really wouldn’t recommend this book to anyone. It’s pretty much a waste of time. Unless you happen to like being confused. But even if being confused is your thing, there are plenty of other books more worthy of your time. Actual BOOKS, not just short collections, like this one. All in all, I was glad there was an end to this ‘thrill’. Heh.

Time Salvager – needs to be salvaged

4 of 5 Sucky-Ass-Future Stars – Time Salvager by Wesley Chu.

This book is absolutely fascinating. The world and technology that the author created for this book is fucking mind-boggling. Such a staggering imagination. And yet, it’s really just a short story dragged out for four-hundred goddamn pages. I would have much rather read a condensed version of this story. Maybe a hundred or so pages. It would have been much better that way.

But no. We can’t have that, now can we? It’s got to be a full length book, or nothing at all, right? Fucking publishers. At least i have to assume it’s the publisher’s fault. I have to think that Mr. Chu wrote this amazing novella, and the publishers said, “Oh, hell no. You gotta fatten this fucker up, Chu. We aren’t gonna publish some bullshit novella. The days of Phillip K. Dick are over, mister. Get with the program.”

So Mr. Chu went ahead and skull-fucked his perfectly fine story. Fattened it up to satisfy the asshole publishers. Or something like that. I mean, it’s still a great story, don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I read the whole thing. But really, the story seemed to be over after about four chapters. Everything was pretty much done. All that was left was for the bad guys to find the good guy, and put a fucking bullet in his head.

But, even that didn’t happen, dammit. No, we’ve got to have the fucking Hollywood ending, so they can make this fucking thing into a goddamn movie. What the fuck, Chu? Write what you want, man. If Hollywood wants to skull-fuck the story, fine. But don’t skull-fuck it yourself for Christ sake. Damn.

This story is about time travel. It’s about James, a time traveling salvager. He jumps back in time to find artifacts that are worth a shit ton of cash to his current time. Of course this doesn’t make any fucking sense, because come on, man. I mean, James lives thousands of years in the future. Why the fuck is he going back thousands of years to get old-ass technology? What the bloody fuck? Don’t you think that the tech would be better in the future? Apparently not. Because this salvage operation is huge business in this particular future. Why? Nobody knows. It’s all bullshit, really.

And soon, something goes awry in one of his salvage missions. He gets the tech that he came for, and for some reason he brings along some hot scientist chick. He saves her from a huge explosion, and she ends up tagging along with James back to the future. And this is a big deal. Because that is like Time Law #1, man. You don’t bring hot bitches back to the future. That’s just not cool, man.

Why? Well, it’s because some other scientist bitch that invented time travel came up with some bullshit laws while she was drunk one night. Seriously. She was fucking drunk, and just pulled some Time Laws out of her fucking ass. Like nobody would actually take these laws seriously, right? No way. So there’s all these Time Laws that these future time travelers have to obsessively follow, for no reason whatsoever. It’s so fucking stupid.

But that’s beside the point. The point is that James is now in deep fucking shit. He can’t go back to his buddies back at Time Base Central, or whatever. Because now he’s a goddamn fugitive. He brought back an anomaly. A very hot, naughty anomaly. And now the whole future world is out to get him and his hot scientist chick.

And then James gets caught, and the anomaly gets sent back to her real-time, right? That’s what should happen, right? The end? Nope. Then there’s the whole plot thing. You see, the would in their time is falling apart. Like seriously falling apart. The ocean is just a black sludge pit. The ozone… Don’t even get me started on the goddamn ozone. It’s just fucked, okay? And this hot scientist chick has the answers to solve this global meltdown. Apparently.

What? Seriously? Some fucking scientist bitch from a thousand years ago knows how to fix the future Earth? Nobody in a thousand years has come close to solving this problem, and all the sudden some bitch from a thousand years ago knows all the answers? Fucking seriously? Come on, man. That makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever.

So yeah, James and the scientist bitch set up shop with some indian folk. Seriously, they’re like Native Americans, or something. They talk funny. But apparently they have the best place to hide for fugitives, because they are like totally low tech, or something. Okay, cool. So James and his girly friend set up shop there, and try to save the planet. And james does some time jumping to get supplies for the village, and science supplies for the girly. And all is happy happy joy joy horseshit. Just waiting for the bad guys to swoop in at any second and fuck up all this happy shit. Please, for the love of god, bad guys, please swoop in and fuck this shit up. Because seriously, I can’t take this shit anymore.

Then, for no apparent reason, James goes and kidnaps the scientist bitch who invented time travel. You know, because he can, or something. And that bitch goes on to tell James just how drunk and stoned out of her mind she was when she came up with the so-called Time Laws. And James is like, “What…?” And the bitch is all like, “Totally, man.”

After about two hundred or so bullshit pages of filler, the bad guys finally do catch a goddamn clue, and come raid the Native American village, where James and his two scientist bitches are hiding. And I just have to wonder, just how the fuck does it take these guys so long to find someone? I mean, it’s thousands of years in the future, man. What, they don’t have Google? They’ve got to have something nine billion times better than Google, for fuck’s sake. I mean, if the author didn’t have to come up with so much goddamn filler, to satisfy his fucking publishers, I guarantee you the bad guys would catch up with James in like twenty-four hours, max.

A huge battle ensues, of course. But all the key people live for some bullshit Hollywood reason. I mean, seriously, everyone lives happily ever after. It’s such total bullshit, it makes me sick. That bitch who actually invented time travel comes out from behind a curtain at the end of the battle and says, “Oh, hey guys. Yes, it’s me. I know, I know, you think I’m some kind of god or something because I fucking invented time travel. But come on, man. Chill. Have a beer, or something. Let’s stop fighting and just have a big orgy.”

Well, that’s more or less how it went. You know, I really make this book sound pretty stupid. And I guess a lot of it is pretty stupid. But it was still an awesome book. I loved it, believe it or not. It could have been better. It should have been better. But even as it is, it’s still a damn fine book. I’d highly recommend it.

The Automation – is an automatic fail

1 of 5 Human-Fuck-Toy Stars – The Automation by some stupid pen name. And edited by some asshole who constantly breaks the fourth wall and comments on this stupid fucking story. Explaining just how stupid it really is.

I did not finish this book. I just couldn’t. It was that bad. I read the first few chapters, hoping for something great, because the premise of the book intrigued me. But the chapters I read were so bloody disappointing, that I had to just skip to the last chapter, and find out if any of this book was really worth reading. Turns out that it wasn’t. It wasn’t even worth skimming the rest of it to see if there was any nugget of goodness in it. Because I knew for certain that the author was just too goddamn stupid to write anything remotely satisfying.

I mean, it was like this book was written by a goddamn teenager, or something. Because all the dialog in this book is about who is fucking who. Or who likes who. Or damn, The Who sure is a good band, or something. I don’t fucking know. It’s just teenage garbage. But it’s not the usual teenage garbage, you see. No, this is garbage that is pretending to be interesting. But trust me, it’s not interesting at all.

Of course, I felt the same way about the Twilight books, but at lest they had some form of substance. Not much, mind you. But at least it was something. This book… All the dialog is just so fucking pointless. And the characters all talk and act the same. It’s like the author never figured out how to actually write distinct characters. He (or she) just wrote dialog of him talking to himself (or herself, or itself, or whatever). Where’s the fun in that? I mean, yes in effect, all authors are writing dialog of themselves talking to themselves, because they really are every character in the book. It’s called imagination. Look it up.

But no. Not this cunt (or dick). No, this jackass just said fuck it, and literally talked to themselves throughout this whole book, without ever thinking of actually making any interesting or unique characters. No imagination whatsoever.

Oh wait. That’s not true. The premise of this book is actually quite interesting. Certainly more interesting than the goddamn book, that’s for sure. It’s about humanoid robots. And the gods who made them. And the masters of the robots. And arguments about who’s going to have sex with the robots first. Because what else are humanoid robots good for, really? You can only tell them to make you a fucking sammich so many times before you want to bend them over the coffee table and fuck their brains out. I know these things. The toaster gave me a dirty look one time, and I showed that toaster who’s boss. Right in its dirty little toaster asshole.

But a good premise does not make for a good book in this case. It’s just false promises, and broken dreams. The premise of this book is like the trailer for that stupid fucking Fantastic 4 movie. It looks oh so polished. So much action and intrigue. I’ve got to see that fucking movie. Then they fuck you in the drive-through. Because you go and watch that movie, and it’s total fucking horseshit.

So don’t fall for the sexy robot premise. Sure, it seems like a good idea at the time, but in the end, you’ll just get your dick toasted. And nobody wants that. Trust me, I know.

The Lives of Tao – are too many

4 of 5 Puppet-Master Stars – The Lives of Tao by Wesley Chu.

This book was frustrating for me. It was a very love/hate relationship while I was reading it. Because on the one hand, it’s an awesome fucking book. And on the other… Well, I really wanted to strangle Tao. He’s a real cocksucker. And he’s not even human. But yes, I did enjoy this book. It was very engaging, and I found myself acting like some black guy in a movie theatre, yelling at Tao all the way through this book. “Fuck you, Tao! Let the poor fat bastard do what he wants! Damn!”

The book is about Tao (duh), who is a ancient alien entity, who is literally centuries old. He has lived within many famous humans over time. Pretty much any famous, influential figure in history, this jackass Tao was living inside the guy’s head, telling him what to do, and how to conquer the world.

The story starts out with Tao basically driving a Ferrari of a human. Taking his prized human into battle. Kicking ass, and taking names, while chewing bubble gum. But then, the unthinkable happens. His super-human, who Tao has trained for many years, is finally killed. And this means that Tao has to find a new host. But that’s not an easy thing to do when you’ve just been punted over a cliff, and your host died on the way down.

So Tao finds the only available host. A poor fat bastard, that happened to be wandering around town in the middle of night, only to be inhabited by his worst fucking nightmare. Tao, the bastard. It’s a nightmare, because Tao is now stuck in this fat fucker, until he dies of a heart attack or something. And Tao doesn’t want to be lugging around such a fat sack of shit. He’s used to awesomeness. So he’s gonna have to find a way to train this fat lazy slob to be a super-spy. Or die trying.

This is when I started screaming at the pages. Telling Tao to go fuck himself. Because he finally reveals himself to this poor fat guy, and tells him in no uncertain terms, that he’s got to go outside and exercise like right fucking now. And the fat guy tells Tao “Yeah, right. Get fucked.” Or something like that. Seriously, for a second, this fat guy was my fucking hero.

But then Tao played an evil trick. He brings in some hot chick to train the fat guy. That’s fucking evil, man. No fat guy is gonna turn down training with a hot chick. And I was all like “Noooooooooooo! Don’t do it, fat guy! Run for your goddamn life, man!” But I knew it was no use. Because, of course the fat guy is gonna go out and try to jog with this girl. Dammit to hell.

And of course, there’s this evil plot thing, where there’s an evil faction of the alien entities who are out to rule the world. Or something. I don’t fucking know. All I know is there’s a fucking alien battle raging on earth, and most of the world has no fucking idea it’s happening.

What I really don’t get is the fact that Tao is the evil faction’s #1 target. Everyone want’s to kill Tao. Which is one of the reasons he has to train his host to be a super fighting machine. Okay, I get why everyone wants to kill Tao. Not just because he’s a fucking asshole. It’s because he’s one of the oldest and most influential alien entities out there. That makes sense.

But what doesn’t make sense is the fact that these evil fuckers can’t find Tao. It’s fucking retarded. This is the modern world they’re living in. With internet and everything. And these aliens are the smartest things imaginable. So why the fuck are they having such a hard time finding Tao and his host? It doesn’t make any fucking sense. At one point they figure out who Tao’s host is. They know where he works. They know where he lives. So what the fuck, man? Just kill him already.

There really needed to be more of an explanation of why these evil guys didn’t find Tao. It’s either that they’re fucking retarded, or maybe because they just didn’t want to, for some stupid reason. None of those explanations make any fucking sense. So what is it, Mr. Chu? What’s the deal man?

Anyway, it’s a great book. I enjoyed reading it. But it really was a struggle. In fact, this book got under my skin so much, that I actually wrote some fanfic about it. And I haven’t written fanfic in like twenty years. But I just had to, with this book. I needed some closure that this book didn’t provide. So I did it myself, goddamnit. So there. Fuck you, Tao.

**** And here’s my stupid fanfic. ****

Die Tao Die

“Hi,” I said to the group of Hosts in front of me, as I did my best impression of a smile, which turned out to be more of a smirk. “My name is Glenn, and I have an alien entity living in my fucking head.”

“Hi, Glenn,” the group said in unison.

“His name is Tao, and he’s a fucking cocksucker. He keeps trying to control my life, and it’s really starting to piss me off!” My audience was looking a bit alarmed.

So, I suck cock now, do I?

“No! Shut the fuck up, Tao. Fuck,” the audience was definitely getting a bit shocked. “Okay, fine. He’s not actually a cocksucker. If he was capable of sucking some cock, he might be able to do something good in this world. No, Tao is more of an asshole, really. And I just… I just don’t know what to do…”

One of the ladies in the front row gave me a knowing look and said, “It’s okay, Glenn. We’ve all been there. Just tell us your story. It’ll feel better, I promise.” And she finished it off with a sickening smile that made me want to puke. I just couldn’t understand how any of these Hosts were happy with their situation. It made absolutely no sense to me.

“Okay. So there I was, minding my own fucking business, eating lunch at the park. And there was this swift wind all the sudden. And I passed out, or something. Then, I woke up at my house. Crashed out on my couch. On my coffee table was my laptop. The browser was open to the most disgusting porn I’ve ever seen. I’m no prude, don’t get me wrong, but goddamn… There’s some porn you just don’t watch, know what I mean?

“So I’m thinking I must be sleep walking. But not sleep walking, sleep porn watching. Which is weird, right? Sure. Okay, I’ll buy that. But then this motherfucker starts talking in my fucking head. ‘Hi, Glenn’ it says. ‘My name is Tao, and you’re my new host. I’m pleased to meet you.’ And I’m like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON HERE??!!

“He talks to me in my head, you see. I know, you’re all probably familiar with this, because you’re all hosts, but this shit is new to me, you know. He talks to me, and tries to make me do things. He tried to get me to exercise, for fuck’s sake! Exercise? Are you fucking kidding me? I’m a fat, lazy bastard, man. I don’t fucking exercise. It’s like he’s trying to kill me. I swear.

“’Let’s go on a run,’ he says. What ‘we’ is he talking about? It’s me doing the goddamn running. He’s not running at all. He’s just a useless lazy cunt…” I trailed off.

So, I’m a cunt now, am I? I thought you liked cunt. You’d eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner if you could get a date. But you’re too stupid and fat to get a date. And you won’t accept my help. Keep being a loser if you want. See if I care.

“Goddamnit, Tao! FUCK! YOU!” I pounded my fists on the podium, trying to make my point. The audience kept giving me those uncomfortable stares. “How do you people stand it? Seriously?”

Now you’ve done it, Glenn. You called them ‘you people’.

“Eat a dick, Tao! Damn. It’s like I can’t hear myself think with this guy stuffing up my head…”

Some guy in the second row spoke up, “It’s okay, man. You’ll get used to it. It’s not so bad, really. They can actually be quite helpful, you know.”

“But you don’t understand. I don’t want him to be helpful. I want him to fucking die. Yes, you heard me. I want to kill this motherfucker in the worst possible way. And yes, I understand that in order to do that, I’d have to kill myself. And I think I’m fine with that. As long as this cocksucker dies, I’m totally fine with killing myself.” I started gritting my teeth. I think I may have actually growled at some point.

An old lady in the front row spoke up after an uncomfortable silence. “Oh dear, don’t talk like that. These beings are our friends. They love us. I’m sure Tao would hate to lose you. He loves you. I’m sure of it.”

Haaaa ha hahahaha ahahahahahah oh my god. This is too funny. If they only knew.

“No. I’ve had it. This is enough. Tao is a fucking asshole, and all he wants to do is ruin my fucking life. And that’s why I insisted on having this meeting way out here in the middle of bum fuck nowhere. So Tao couldn’t find another host. I mean, he can’t inhabit one of you, because you’re already hosts, right?”

Then I gave one last smirk, pulled out my gun, and shot myself in the fucking head. It was the happiest moment of my life.

And now you’re in a coma, because you’re too stupid to even shoot yourself right. Good job, moron. Now I’m stuck here in your lifeless body until you die. Fuck my life.

Prescription for Ratings – blood, blood, and more blood

 

4 of 5 Bloody-Fucked Stars – Prescription for Ratings: The Contestants by Kaisy Wilkerson-Mills.

This is a very interesting story. It’s filled with plenty of blood and guts and gore. And there’s even a reason for all the horror. It’s pure unadulterated bloody entertainment. It’s a reality show on crack.

Yes, this really is a story about a reality show, where people kill each other for fun and entertainment. Well, it’s not really for fun. For the producers, and the audience, maybe. But the contestants certainly don’t have any fun. They’re actually fighting for their lives. Fighting for the promise of fame and fortune.

The story begins with four contestants. A man and his wife. And a woman and her brother. It’s not really a coincidence that the woman hates her brother. And the wife kinda sorta hates her husband. Well, she doesn’t really hate him, per se. But he’s pretty much useless, and can’t give her the glamorous life she thinks she deserves.

First, it’s the woman against her brother. You can easily guess who wins, but I’m not going to spoil it for you. Then it’s the wife versus her husband. Again, take a wild guess who wins. It’s not really much of a surprise.

Then, the two remaining fighters get to rip each other apart. But not before being dosed with some uber-crack to bump up their adrenaline. I mean, you’ve got to make the fight as bloody and gory as possible if you want to get those sick-ass ratings, right? Damn straight.

The only problem I had with this story, is the fact that it’s incomplete. I mean, there are a lot of unanswered questions. But at least I know why. It’s because this is a part of a fucking series. So they left plenty of open holes to fill with the next story in the series.

Well, fuck that shit, man. I don’t want to read the next story because you fucking tricked me into it. I want to read the next one because this story was actually good. You didn’t need to leave so many holes in this story. People are going to read the next one because this one was actually quite good. Not to fill in the blanks, but just to continue reading such awesomeness.

But still, I really enjoyed this story. It had quite a bit of action in a short package. And the author even provided plenty of backstory, so you know why the woman hates her brother, and why the wife despises her useless husband. I can’t wait to see this show on TV. It’s gonna be good clean and bloody fun.

KEVIN SMITH LOVES MY BOOK, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. No, not THAT Kevin. The fat one. He LOVES the cock. Get my book. It’s fucking hilarious.

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Rarity from the Hollow – is rare indeed

4 of 5 Fucked-In-The-Head Stars – Rarity from the Hollow by Robert Eggleton.

This book is fascinating. And then, just when you thought it was going to get even more awesome, it goes full-on derpy derp, and gets stupid as fuck. It pissed me off so much. I don’t know why books fail so often at being awesome throughout. It’s like they just lose their mojo halfway through, and say ‘fuck it’. Or in this author’s case, I’m pretty sure he just got high as balls and just started pulling shit out of his ass.

This book is about a twelve-year-old girl named Lacy Dawn, and her android boyfriend from another planet, aptly named DotCom. I say it’s apt, because DotCom is responsible for all the email spam in the entire universe. And there’s actually a big spammer in the real world named Kim DotCom. So that kind of cracked me up.

Now, I’m not going to keep calling this stupid girl ‘Lacy Dawn’. Because if you tell me your name is ‘Lacy Dawn’, I’m going to call you ‘Lacy’. I mean, that just makes sense to me. Until I’m corrected, anyway. Nobody in this story ever even tries to call this girl ‘Lacy’, and I find that absolutely ridiculous.

Lacy has a very dysfunctional family. Her dad is a stoned-out drunk fucker that is suffering from PTSD from the Gulf war. He beats the ever-loving shit out of his wife and Lacy all the time. You know, for fun. He does it the old-fashioned way, with a switch. Or for them city-folk, a branch from a tree.

Which is fine, because Lacy has actual conversations with trees. Oh, and ghosts. Well, one ghost. Her name is Faith, and she lives in a tree. And she’s a fucking asshole. But she does have good advice for Lacy from time to time.

The two-thousand-year-old DotCom android devises an evil plan to save Lacy’s parents. He’s gonna hack their motherfucking brains, and make them better. Because he’s sick and fucking tired of seeing his little student get beaten by her parents.

You see, he doesn’t even recognize that Lacy thinks he’s her boyfriend. He’s just an android doing a job. Securing Lacy’s employment for a very important mission. To save the world, of course.

And this is where it goes full-on derpy derp. You see, to save the world, Lacy must go shopping in the biggest mall in the universe. No, not to get supplies, or something. That would make sense. No, she needs to go shopping to save the world. Like nobody is better at shopping than Lacy and her new and improved parents.

And yes, Lacy introduced DotCom as her boyfriend, and her parents were of course shocked. That is, until they noticed he was lounging around naked, and he had no cock or balls to speak of. Just smooth as a fucking Barbie doll down there. But not to worry, he learns how to grow some junk later, when he finally accepts Lacy’s love.

But wait, there’s an evil cockroach plot! I mean the goddamn cockroaches are taking over the mall. And they’re taking over Lacy’s dad’s pot farm. Because of course he has a fucking pot farm. Because you would have to be high as fucking balls to write this shit. And the characters are constantly getting high, because apparently, you can’t even participate in this story without being high as balls.

The last third of this book is about DotCom teaching Lacy’s dog to communicate with roaches. So they can figure out what the fuck is going on. What can they do to help the roaches? Get ’em to move the fuck out of the mall, and out of dad’s fucking pot crop. But seriously, if you can train the dog to talk to the roaches, why couldn’t you just train Lacy to do it? Oh because it’s cool to actually have a conversation with a dog. Which pretty much always goes like this: “Gimme bacon!”

So with the help of Lacy’s dog, they negotiate a treaty with the roaches, and find them a new home. Well, it’s not a new home. It’s just the home they left thousands of years ago. But it’s good as new now. So they move in and decide to call it ‘Earth’.

This book really was fucking crazy. None of it made any fucking sense. It was a total cluster-fuck from beginning to end. And I fucking loved it. Because the author’s writing style was absolutely brilliant. He weaved in first person and third person narratives like every other paragraph. And the imagination on this guy… Damn.

GET WASTED! You may want to be high as balls before reading my book. It confuses sober people. http://amzn.to/1wKcVK6

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Podkayne of Mars – is full of stupid geniuses

1 of 5 Stupid-Little-Cunt Stars – Podkayne of Mars by Robert A. Heinlein.

I hate this book so much. It’s absolutely fucking retarded. Which is kind of strange, considering the story is about a couple of genius teenagers. But I guess even genius teenagers have to go on and on about stupid shit all the time.

This book is the first person journal of the 15-year-old Podkayne, or ‘Pod’, or as I like to call her ‘Stupid Little Cunt’. She lives on Mars, but yearns to explore the galaxy. She pines for the stars constantly. And when her parents won’t let her go on a voyage to Earth, she cries like a little girl and goes on and on about how her stupid life sucks. Awww. Shut the fuck up, you stupid teenage whore.

But she gets lucky, and her uncle Tom takes her and her brother on a VIP trip around the galaxy in a luxury liner. Oh goodie! I finally get to see the galaxy and find even more things to bitch and moan about! Sweet!

While they are getting on the luxury liner, Pod’s sarcastic genius brother tells the check-in agent that he’s got a couple kilos of ‘happy dust’, which in their world, is pretty much heroin. He doesn’t really have any happy dust, he’s just being a stupid fucking jackass. So of course, he’s taken away and searched. Getting his asshole probed and tongued, as you do.

But this was all part of his evil plan. You see, some fanatics paid him a shit-ton of money to smuggle a bomb onboard the ship. So, while Clark is being searched, Pod gets through the gate just fine, with the bomb secretly hidden in her luggage. Without her knowing, of course.

When they get onboard, Clark explained his evil plan. “Oh that,” he explains. “That’s a nuclear bomb. But don’t worry. I took it apart. You never know when you’ll need a nuclear bomb.”

What? Seriously? Just get rid of the fucking thing. Damn. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? Two teenagers with a nuclear bomb. Yeah, everything is going to be just fine. Sure.

Then, the teenagers get kidnapped. Because uncle Tom is actually some huge Mars political figure, and he’s about to give a speech at some bullshit conference. So his enemies use the teenagers as leverage to get the racist Tom to do their evil bidding at the summit.

But not to worry. Clark had smuggled his nuclear bomb into his cell somehow. Apparently he has a very accommodating anus. So he assembles his bomb, and blows up everyone, including his sister, Pod. But saves himself, of course. Fucking asshole.

My wife recommended this book to me. I decided that I wanted to read some Heinlein, and she said that I’d definately love this book. Fucking bullshit. I hated this book so much. From the very beginning. Just a whiney ass bitch going on and on about stupid teenage horseshit. Like I fucking care.

But I pushed on. I continued reading it, just in hopes that there would be a glimmer of Heinlein genius buried deep in this fucking book. But there wasn’t. Heinlein was a great writer, but his talents were completely wasted on this stupid book.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s almost as bad as AXE body spray, because it drives women bat-shit crazy. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

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End Trails – is some wacky wild west

4 of 5 Fucked-Up-Cowboy Stars – End Trails by Andrew Leon Hudson.

This book is fascinating. It’s two short stories about the ‘weird wild west’. It’s like The Twilight Zone, in the wild west, or something. Because these stories are strange. The author took standard wild west tales and put a sci-fi spin on them. It’s very cool.

The first story is about a guy who gets stuck in a jail cell, while the Sheriff lies dead just feet away. The keys still attached to the Sheriff’s belt. And the whole building is burning down. Oh, and some strange alien creature slithered out of the dead Sheriff’s mouth, and is coming for this poor sap stuck in the cell.

A very cool story. My eyes were glued to the pages. I couldn’t even imagine what would happen next, as the whole town gets infected by this strange alien parasite. Oh, and of course the guy has to get revenge on that cocksucker who locked him in the cell in the first place. Because it’s really a standard western story. But weird.

And then, there’s the story about zombies. Wild west zombies. It’s about a guy who gets killed during a card game. Because he’s a dirty rotten cheater. And, apparently, a rapist. A zombie rapist. Or something.

They dig a grave, and bury that motherfucker. But he’s not having it. He gets right out and goes on killing bitches. And then there are zombie whores. Oh my fucking god. Zombie whores! Can it get any better?

Well, yes actually… Because this story was rather boring. It was a little too much like a standard western story. Too much gun fighting, and not enough zombie fighting. And not enough whores. You can never have too many whores.

But I still really enjoyed this book. It’s a quick read, and very well-written. I’d recommend it to anyone who loves westerns. Or anyone who loves sci-fi. Or hell, anyone who just loves weird shit. Because this book totally skull-fucks westerns. In the best possible way.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause erections that last over six hours. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

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Valhalla – has cyborg vaginas

4 of 5 Hot-Ass-Cyborg Stars – Valhalla by Ari Bach.

This is a very good book, full of action and intrigue. It’s set two hundred years in the future, with all kinds of cool tech and weaponry. Most people in this story are heavily modified with implants, their consciousness constantly connected to the internet. I don’t know what would be worse, the constant barrage of cat pics, or the incessant ads claiming that my penis is way too small.

This book is about Violet, a teenage girl who lost her parents in a brutal firefight. Some gang invaded their home and shot up the place. But Violet picked up a gun and blasted the shit out of the intruders, becoming famous overnight for her heroics.

So she joins the military, as you do. Because she never really knew what she wanted to do with her life. Not until she killed those gang members. Now she knew exactly what she wanted to do. She wanted to kill bad guys. Like a boss. Unfortunately, the military doesn’t take kindly to that idea.

I can relate. When I was 20 years old, I decided I wanted to join the Marines. So I took the test at the recruiting station, and it turned out I was smarter than most grunts. They decided that I belonged in the intelligence division. So I went through a bunch of interviews.

“Why do you want to join the Marines, son?” an officer asked me, in one interview.

“I want to learn how to kill people,” I responded calmly.

Shortly thereafter, I was discharged from the process, never able to join the military, because apparently, I was bat-shit insane. You see, they don’t want people who want to kill people. They want people who want to ‘save lives’ and ‘keep the peace’ etc. It’s fucking bullshit, if you ask me.

So Violet gets discharged from the military, because just like me, she’s bat-shit insane. She wins at all costs. She doesn’t take any prisoners. She is one bad-ass chick. Too bad-ass for the military. Which is fine, because apparently, there’s a place just for her, in this fucked up world.

Some agents of some secret agency approach her online and tell her of some secret mercenary outfit that wants to recruit her. Yes, they understand that she was kicked out of the military. They don’t fucking care, because they’re better than the pussy-ass military. This joint is hardcore.

Violet accepts the position, and spends literally 50% of this fucking book training with this new bad-ass crew. I get it, man. There’s so much cool tech, and weapons, and crazy fucked-up characters. That’s cool, man. But it doesn’t merit spending half the fucking book training. Go out and do shit, man. Kill some fuckers. Blow some shit up. Who wants to learn about shit, when you can just blow it the fuck up?

Well, good news, because the rest of the book is pure hardcore action. Violet’s friends get killed in action, but that’s no big deal. They just turn ’em into cyborgs and bring ’em back to life. Cool beans, man. Then there’s the walrus invasion. Yeah, watch out, man. Them walrus fuckers are coming for ya!

Violet sets her sights on the leader of the gang who killed her family. And she captures him, and puts him in a walrus cage at their Valhalla base. So every time she gets bored, she gets to go down and taunt the poor bastard. I mean, why kill him when you can just toy with him every day? It’s not like he’s going to escape, right?

So, of course, he escapes, and the base erupts in fire and mayhem as the gang leader is rescued by his people. This is why you kill the bad guy, Violet. Because those motherfuckers never die. They always come back to fuck up your life. So just put a bullet in his fucking skull. Cut his head off. Put it through a motherfucking blender. So they can’t bring that cunt back to life. But nooooo…

I really did like this story. Yes, it could have been better. It could have done with more action and less training. I mean, the training was cool, don’t get me wrong, but it went on for way too long. But I can’t really complain. I mean, there was a cyborg vagina in this book for Christ’s sake. I don’t know if I should be scared as fuck, or absolutely fascinated by that idea.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

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