Archive for the ‘Sci-Fi’ Category

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5 of 5 Nerd-Gasm Stars – Judgment Night by Nick Pollotta.

This book seems like it was created by a bunch of nerds playing Dungeons and Dragons. Even though there really were no dungeons or dragons per se. Because this book is a constant barrage of action. Seriously, I felt myself breathing heavy and sweating just from reading this fucking book. It was such a workout!

There’s this private detective who finds himself fighting werewolves and vampires for no apparent reason. It was just a random case that turned out weird. Then these super hero Bureau 13 agents show up and thwart the supernatural weirdness. And of course, they offer him a job. Because they already have a priest, a couple of mages, a ninja and a beefy military guy with guns. But they don’t have some random P.I. with a pistol.

And this random guy turns into their leader. I really have no idea why, because he really is fucking useless when it comes to fighting monsters. Sure, he can bark out orders like nobody’s business, but anyone can do that. It doesn’t take any special ability to scream, “Pink Turtle formation! STAT!”

After they recruit Mr. Random Guy, the story cuts to a while later, when it’s business as usual. They’re on a fishing trip, just minding their own business, when a huge monster bursts out of the water. A huge battle ensues which I assume took many dice rolls to complete. Then, the 13’s are off to find their secret headquarters. Which is really secret, because even they don’t know where the fuck it is.

You see, Bureau 13 is fucking huge. It’s like a secret FBI, or something. With many divisions and operations. It’s not just these five D&D nerds. But this story is centered around these guys, and thank God for that. Because if there was any more to this book, it would go on forever. Because fuck, man. There’s so much happening with just this rag-tag bunch of nerds, I can’t even imagine what would happen with the whole Bureau involved.

The nerds travel to New York, where they think they might find their headquarters. A huge nuclear explosion goes off and tears New York a new asshole, and tosses the nerd’s impenetrable RV into some apartment complex. They escape on foot, off to find their secret base. And they come across monster after monster on their short journey through town.

When they finally do find their secret base, they’re briefed on the whole plot thing. Apparently, a scary cloud is on its way to destroy New York. I mean, it’s going to destroy what’s left of New York. But how do they even know that? It’s just a cloud, out in the ocean, minding its own fucking business. Who the fuck knows. Don’t ask questions of the Dungeon Master, okay?

The nerds set out to stop the scary cloud, and find a mysterious island directly below it. They eventually find out that it’s the long-lost city of Atlantis, or something. And it’s filled with countless monsters to fight, and puzzles to solve.

I couldn’t possibly break down this entire book in a review. It just goes on forever, even though it’s a fairly short novel. There’s just so much action packed into the pages, it’s mind-boggling. And I loved it so much. Never a dull moment.

I’ve never actually played D&D, and this book doesn’t even mention D&D, but somehow it made me want to get together a bunch of nerds and play D&D. But something tells me that without Nick Polletta as the dungeon master, it wouldn’t be near as much fun as this book.

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2 of 5 Space-Junk Stars – Live Free or Die by John Ringo.

A friend of mine has a hard-on for John Ringo. So he’s always pushing Ringo’s books down my throat. I started reading this book several months ago, but kept having to put it down, because one of the things I hate the most about any kind of fiction is fucking bullshit politics. And this book is FILLED with politics.

Why? Why the fuck do we need politics in space? When I first saw The Phantom Menace, my biggest complaint wasn’t about Jar-Jar, it was about all the fucking politics. I don’t get it. Why tell a story about congress? Why include any kind of politics in a story? It’s bullshit, and it just stalls the story. Politics just bore me to tears, and puts me to sleep every time.

But my friend assured me that this book was worth it. “Trust me, dude. You’ll love it,” he said. Well, fucking bullshit. I hated it. Well, I kind of liked the story, if that’s all it was, but unfortunately, it was inundated with so much political nonsense, that it just wasn’t worth reading. It was a waste of fucking time. I found myself fast-forwarding through pages, to find something that wasn’t littered with politics.

It’s the story that made me want to keep reading, despite the politics. It’s about an alien invasion. But it’s a friendly invasion, of sorts. The aliens just want to do some trades for some heavy metals. Nothing intrusive. We’re just friendly green guys, don’t mind us. Sure. Trust the aliens. Why not. I mean, they only destroyed a few cities. For sport. So they can’t be that bad, right?

But the aliens get bored with destroying things for sport, so they go out looking to get wasted, and come across a local drug dealer, Tyler Durden who’s gotten tired of running his fight club. Tyler learns that the aliens are semi-allergic to most foods on earth, so he sets out to find something that the aliens can tolerate. He makes a bit of a taste test for the aliens, using cups of just about everything. A cup of sugar, a cup of flour, a cup of oil, a cup of whale jizz, and a cup of maple syrup.

All of these choices make the aliens sick, except for the whale jizz. The aliens get high as balls off whale jizz. They can’t get enough of it. And they’ll give Tyler all the sexy technology they have for as much whale jizz as Tyler can provide. So in a very short period of time, Tyler Durden becomes the richest man in the world. I mean seriously, the richest man. Suddenly, he has more money than all the rest of the humans on the Earth combined. That’s a shit ton of dough, man. And a fuck-ton of whale jizz.

So, of course, Tyler Durden sets out to build his own Death Star, which he calls Troy. It’s nearly as big as our moon. Has walls that are a kilometer thick, and is pretty much indestructible. It doesn’t even need weapons. It’s so massive, it can just plow its way through any battle. Throw all the nukes you want at Troy, and it’ll just smile and keep coming at you. It will just keep coming and coming with its synthetic whale jizz. Because that’s how Tyler Durden rolls, man.

This really could have been a good book. But it wasn’t. Because of all the political horseshit. I couldn’t stand it. I had to dig through all that garbage to even find the fucking story. Which was actually a pretty good story, if you took out all the political shit. But it wasn’t a 400 page story. Maybe 200.

If Ringo had just published the actual story, without all the horseshit, it would have been 4 stars, at least. But no. He had to go and skullfuck it, like so many authors do. What a fucking waste. I really hope John Ringo chokes on some whale jizz, just for some poetic justice.

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4 of 5 Super-Shart Stars – Dissimilar Shorts 4 by J.B. Taylor.

Sometimes I watch Ghost Hunters, just for a good laugh. Because that show really is retarded. And every fucking time I watch it, I hope to Christ that some actual ghost would jump out and gang-rape the shit out of those guys. Because that would be fucking hysterical.

The first story in this book is about just such a scene. A TV show goes to investigate a haunted house, and end up getting gang-raped by a little girl with an axe. A ghost axe, of course. And damn, if that little girl isn’t evil as fuck. I totally want to keep her in my basement, on a very short leash. For science!

Okay, maybe she’s not really evil. She’s just lonely. And killing more people gets more ghosts stuck in her house. More people to have tea with. More people to torture. And more screams! It’s always good to get more screams. Screams are her life-blood. It’s what she lives for. Crazy ass little girl.

The other story in this book is about super-heroes. Retarded super-heroes, apparently. Because, in the first scene, we find The Judge doing his super-tricks to thwart a bank robbery and save many lives. He can put anyone into a coma with just a thought. And he can fucking teleport anywhere, like that Jumper faggot.

But that’s not why he’s retarded. He’s retarded because the bad guys kidnap his girlfriend, and demand a ransom of 4 MILLION DOLLARZ. Oh noes! I guess I’d better go get that money then. Just rob a few banks, then I get my girl back. Cool. That’d be easy.

But wait, man. What the fuck? You have already shown us your motherfucking super-powers, so why the fuck are you robbing banks to pay these Russian cunts? Just do your thing, and snatch her back. How hard is that? You already did it before, so why are you running around robbing banks to give to the Russians? Have they brain washed you into being their bitch or something? What the actual fuck?

But wait, it gets worse. He meets yet another super-hero while he robs another bank. And she’s just as retarded. They have this whole epic fight scene, and after they’re finally tired of punching each other in the face, The Judge explains to her that he’s only stealing this dough to save a life. His precious girlfriend, who he’s never even fucked yet.

And I totally expected super-girl to respond with something like, “So, use your super-powers, man. Just go get her back, you fucking pussy. Why bother with all this money? Are you like retarded, or something?” But no. She totally went along with his plan, and helped him steal money to get his stupid girlfriend back.

I really did like both of these stories. I had my issues with the second one, but I still liked it. I mean, there was still lots of action and intrigue. And it even made me laugh because it was so fucking retarded. And if something can make you laugh, even if it’s unintentional, it can’t be that bad.

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4 of 5 Robot-Cock Stars – Independence by Alasdair Shaw.

This story is very short. I mean, you can’t really call it a ‘book’ at 28 pages. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is what’s packed into those few pages. And let me tell you, there’s more action and intrigue packed into this story than there is in many full length novels.

It’s about the aftermath of a brutal space battle, where two ships survive. Both of the ships are just barely supporting life, as they are so horribly damaged from the battle. But one of the ships seems to be repairing itself. Like it’s alive or something.

So of course the dumb white people (I have to assume they’re white) from the other ship go to investigate the self-healing ship. And damn. Shit happens, man. The dumb ass white people get gang raped by androids. Then, just for fun, the droids chop the white people into little bits. Like cold cuts.

So yea, robots are evil. I get that, man. But why do the humans have to be so goddamn stupid. I mean, why the fuck are you even investigating this fucking ship? There’s no life signs. There’s nothing on that ship that you need. Just blow (heh, I said blow) the ship to kingdom come (and come!), and get on with your life.

Because you can’t fucking argue with robots, man. They’ll just laugh and shoot you in the face. Because apparently these robots have personality traits, or something. They’re happy to do their job. Burning human flesh makes these droids giggle like little school girls. Sick and twisted school girls.

I liked this story because it was packed with non-stop action. And because I’m a sick and twisted bastard. I love reading about idiots getting what they deserve. And getting fucked by droids with chainsaw dicks was definitely what these dumb white people deserved.

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4 of 5 Alien-Matrix Stars – Reformed by by Anthony Morgan-Clark

This book is described as a short story collection. But it’s not. It’s a novel. And quite a good novel. It’s one of the best sci-fi books I’ve read, and I’ve read quite a few.

The only reason I didn’t give it 5 stars is because of the short story structure. It would have been a better book if it was written as a novel, instead of segments of a novel.

This story is about the future of criminal justice. About pre-crime justice technology. And of course, aliens. You can’t have a sci-fi story without aliens, right?

There’s this guy, Joe, who just got out of prison. He goes to the half-way house to plan his criminal future. Or does he? It seems to me that his whole life could just be a simulation. Because part of the justice system in this future puts repeat criminals into a Deep Sleep. It’s like the Matrix, because the prisoners are suspended in a virtual reality world, where they’re allowed to do their crimes in peace.

And then there’s the pre-crime revolution. Technology that’s developed to determine if someone will become a criminal. Or, if a criminal is likely to repeat his crimes. There’s a whole debate within the justice system about the legality of this technology. Is it fair to put someone in prison just because the technology says they will eventually become a criminal? Sure, you may save some lives. But if that’s the case, you might as well just put everyone in the Matrix. You’ll save even more lives!

But wait, the aliens have invaded the virtual reality. Oh noes! Apparently these aliens aren’t little green men. They’re energy, or something. They travel through the electricity, and troll people on the internet. And then they get bored of trolling, and finally just invade Earth, and destroy everything. Because that’s the only way they know how to save the Earth.

What? Save it? You just fucking destroyed it, you goddamn cocksuckers! What the fuck, man? How is that saving us? Oh, because even more evil aliens are on their way to destroy the Earth. Great. That’s like the best troll ever. Motherfuckers.

So the other evil aliens show up and destroy even more of the Earth. Like it’s some kind of sport. And the Earthlings have finally had enough destruction, so they decide to fuck the Earth. It’s a goddamn wasteland anyway. And they build huge spaceships, and take off to populate some other world.

Or did they? Maybe this whole goddamn story is in the fucking Matrix. Maybe there’s really no aliens. It’s all just Joe’s Matrix fantasy world. Who the fuck knows. All I know is, this is a damn fine book. There’s amazing technology, and fascinating characters. I fucking loved it.

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2 of 5 Fucking-Pointless Stars – Worse than Senseless Things by J. Battle.

I was bored out of my mind while reading this book. It’s not funny. It’s not exciting. It’s just an endless battle scene, told from several different perspectives. To me, this just made the plot convoluted as fuck.

I do respect the amount of work that went into this book. The world-building was amazing. All the different alien races and planets were fascinating. But what were all these aliens doing? Just wandering around their planet with their token human. Not doing anything interesting at all.

Awesome world-building does not mean there’s going to be a good story to go with it. Unfortunately for this book, the world-building was all it had. The story was weak. The characters were stupid and cardboard. And the endless space battles were fucking pointless.

When a character says, “Sir, we’ve just lost 78 more ships, sir!” Okay, big fucking deal. Why’d you lose those ships? Where’s the conflict? What can you do about it? The fleet was constantly losing ships, and nobody ever did anything about it. So how am I supposed to care? Conflict without any meaning is just empty conflict. It’s fucking useless.

This book is about an intergalactic war. Everyone is fighting, for whatever reason. Planets, and entire civilizations are being destroyed. Because, reasons. It really is fucking pointless.

I had to drag myself, kicking and screaming, to the end of this book. I really couldn’t stand it. I just wanted it to be over. Just nuke the whole fucking galaxy, and be done with it. Because I can’t fucking take it any more.

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4 of 5 Something-Something-Dark-Side Stars – Sunfall by James Austin McCormick.

This is a very cool book. But it reminds me way too much of Star Wars. I mean, it’s got the scruffy young nerf herder guy who’s a cross between Han Solo and Luke Skywalker. Because he’s a rebel with his own Millennium Falcon. He’s good with fixing things, like Luke. And of course, he saves the princess.

Because yes, there’s also a goddamn Princess Lea. I’m surprised there wasn’t a fucking wookie. But wait, there’s more! There’s a mutant Darth Vader. He’s a genetically modified killing machine. An assassin. And I guess, kind of a bounty hunter. So it’s like Darth Vader and Boba Fett butt fucked and made this guy. Awesome.

(Just imagine the text below scrolling like Star Wars)

Long, long ago… In a galaxy far, far away… Luke Skywalker, I mean Zac, meets this girl who needs to catch a ride to Mars…

(Okay, end the scrolling… This is getting silly)

This story is about the destruction of Mars by the Death Star. Okay, there’s no Death Star. But still. I mean the similarities are staggering. But Mars is actually doomed to be wiped out by some solar storm, or some such shit. And the princess has the magic technology to save the planet.

Okay, she’s not really a princess. Sana is just a really rich girl, with really rich and brilliant parents. They developed the technology to save an entire planet with self-replicating nano-thingies. And Sana is wandering around a space port with this nano-tube that’s worth billions.

In comes the nerf herder. He agrees to take her to Mars for a bajillion credits, because he’s a selfish cunt, just like Han Solo. And of course he owes some kind of debt to the mob boss at the space station. Just like the cantina scene in fucking Star Wars.

Zac and Sana flee to the Millennium Falcon, and barely escape the space station alive. But wait, the Darth Vader and Boba Fett butt baby is hot on their trail. He’s a fucking killing machine on a rampage, and he will stop at nothing to get the precious nano-tube.

Really, nothing can stop this fucking guy. He’s one strong butt baby, that’s for sure. I mean, his spaceship slams head-on with a fucking asteroid, exploding and shattering to pieces, and this fucking guy survives to continue the chase. He’s like the goddamn Terminator, this guy.

I could go on and on, because this really is a great story. It would have been five stars for sure, if it didn’t remind me so much of Star Wars. But it’s still a fun story to read, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who loves science fiction.

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5 of 5 Hot-Bimbo-Bot Stars – Future Fossil by Gene Bathurst.

This is such a fun story, and I really enjoyed it. It’s a Mad Max type story, set in a similar post-apocalyptic type world, where there’s hot android bitches, and talking velociraptors. Good times.

The story is about Magnum Thrax, and his gang of hot android bitches. They scour the wasteland for precious metals to sell to the almighty sex shop. Because sex is the real currency, apparently.

Thrax and his sexy bitches travel in a high-tech tank, ready for battle. They come across a mine, and follow it deep into the mountain, where they come across sentient rocks, and talking raptors who are about to sacrifice Thrax’s buddy, and his young sister.

And of course, they’re doing the sacrifice for their god, the T-Rex. But the T-Rex can’t talk for some reason. It’s just a plain ol’ T-Rex. Nothing special about it, except that it was engineered to heal itself, and grow a new head, if need be.

Thrax and his sex-bots jump into the mix to save their friends. Hot lead and lasers light up the cavern, as Thrax tries to save his sister and his stupid friend, who’s trying to negotiate with the dumb raptors. “I can make you bigger, stronger, faster,” he says, pretending to be some genetic scientist, when in fact, he’s just a computer programmer.

Thrax’s sister argues this with Kal, saying he’s not a bloody scientist, when Kal says, “I know that, but come on… How hard could it be? I could learn that shit in a couple of weeks.” Heh. I lol’d.

Then, Thrax battles the T-Rex, and severs its head. But that’s no big deal. The T-Rex grows a new head. But not just one. Two new heads! And the chase is on. The sex-bots jump on the T-Rex and sever its two heads. Now it’s got three heads! Holy shit.

The battle continues, until one of the sex-bots jumps on top of the T-Rex, and jacks into its brain, controlling it. Fucking mind control of a T-Rex? How awesome is that? Super fucking awesome. So the sex-bot goes crazy with the T-Rex, tearing up all the stupid raptors.

Could this story get any better? It’s fucking awesome. I couldn’t find any fault in it. For such a silly story, it was very well written. It’s something my wife refers to as ‘crack’. You just take a perfectly normal story and throw some crazy shit in there. Like talking raptors, and a T-Rex with three heads. And hell, everyone loves some good crack.

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4 of 5 Virtual-Virus Stars – Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson.

This is a crazy tech-infused romp of a book. Its virtual world and real world are equally impressive, and fascinating. I think I was first hooked by this book when the protagonist was introduced. I mean, his name is Hiro Protagonist for Christ’s sake. And he’s a fucking pizza delivery boy for the goddamn Mafia.

Can you ask for a more interesting protagonist than that? I think not. He even has a fucking business card that reads “Last of the freelance hackers and Greatest swordfighter in the world.” I highly doubt that he is, in fact, the greatest swordfighter in the world, but just the fact that he thinks he is makes his character that much more interesting.

This book is the story of a virus named ‘Snow Crash’ that infects the virtual world as well as the real world. It’s used as a drug, and a computer virus. And Hiro’s best friend is hooked on it. He’s a fucking junkie. So Hiro uses his mad hacking skills to uncover the truth about Snow Crash.

The truth about Snow Crash, is that it was developed by a crazy religious cult that live on a huge barge out in the fucking ocean. Hiro and his new-found friend, a skateboard girl named Y.T. travel to the barge and try to stop Snow Crash from destroying both the real world and the virtual.

I loved this book because it was an exciting technological adventure. I hated it because it was way too goddamn complicated. I mean, the author created a whole new language for this fucking book. A whole new religion. A whole new world. It’s just too much. It would have been so much better if it was just the Snow Crash story, about how it’s destroying the world, and all that shit.

Often times, authors saturate their work with unnecessary details. They pad the pages with tons of horseshit, and they forget how to end a fucking story. They just end up rambling on and on, until they finally get frustrated with their own work, and just tack on whatever ending comes to mind.

It fucking pisses me off. Stephen King is the worst example of this, but there are plenty more authors who write 500 page books, when it would have been much better as a 300 page book. Snow Crash is in that same category. It would have been a much better 300 page book.

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4 of 5 Anal-Probe Stars – Barney’s Choice by Stanislava D. Kohut.

This is an interesting short story, and it’s very well told. It’s the story of what happens when you’re given a chance to change your past. A story of fascinating aliens, who have the power to control your mind, and your body. They can wield your body like a puppet, and do with you as they please.

Barney is the captain of a spaceship, investigating the moon. Apparently, the powers that be think there may be alien lifeforms skulking about. So, Barney goes on a walkabout on the moon. He leaves his fellow shipmates behind, and goes off into the barren wasteland, to find the so-called aliens.

And so, he did. He found their ship in the middle of a huge moon crater. The tall, muscular aliens grabbed him from his perch, behind a rock. They took him to their ship, and introduced him to their beautiful female leader.

She instantly took control of Barney’s mind and body. She made him say things. She made him do things. Things he’s not proud of. And then, she decided that she’d had enough of her plaything, and she touched Barney’s forehead, and sent him back into the past, back to his old house, when he was 13 years old.

Back to when his parents were arguing. His mother was drunk off her ass, and his father was so angry that the house was so goddamn filthy. And why isn’t there food on the fucking table? Come on, clean my boots, woman! We all know how that kind of argument ends.

Apparently, in Barney’s real past, he had chosen to stay with his father. Because at least his father wasn’t a drunken floozy. But in this new past, Barney was given a choice. He sees both his futures, as his parents are arguing. He gets to view what each choice would cause.

And then, he’s back with his crew, as if nothing had happened. This really is a very creative story. I loved the descriptions of the aliens. It’s very unique. And the advanced technology of the aliens was well described, and it made me wonder if such things were possible.

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