Archive for the ‘Sci-Fi’ Category

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3 of 5 Frack-Fucking Stars – Dutchman’s Curse by Gates Watson.

I laughed my ass off while I read this book. It’s fucking hilarious. But somehow, I don’t think the author intended it to be so goddamn funny. I think he meant it to be a serious, epic space opera.

And it is an epic space opera, in a way. I mean, there’s huge space battles, and such. But it’s hard to take it seriously, when one of the main characters is a 12-year-old boy named ‘Tom Clancy’. Seriously? Out of all the fucking names you could have chosen, you chose Tom Motherfucking Clancy? Really?

So, every time I read that name, I had to chuckle. It took me out of the book, and made me realize just how utterly stupid it was. I couldn’t keep track of the story, because every time I saw that fucking name, I’d be dragged back to the real world, to laugh my ass off.

Don’t get me started on Tom Clancy’s sister. A 5-year-old girl who’s pretty much River, from Firefly. She’s special. She can talk to spaceships, and she has like superpowers or something. And her name is AnaLise.

So now, every time I read her name, it’s Anal-ise. Emphasis on the Anal. Why? I don’t fucking know why. I’m a sick fuck, or something. But I just couldn’t help myself. So again, every time I saw that name, I had to chuckle, and it took me out of the story as well.

And then, there’s the officer named Moran. He’s a fucking moron, and every time I saw his name, I read it as Moron. Again, laughing my ass off. Then, I found this line, and laughed even harder: “You aren’t paid to think, Moran.”

That’s comedy gold, right there. Oh yea, and there’s General Butthead. That one’s good for a laugh or two. And the fact that this author chose to use the whole Battlestar Galactica swear word routine. ‘Frack’ this, and ‘fracking hell’ that. You couldn’t ask for more laughs from this book, I tell ya.

All that aside, this book is about some kids who hop a ride on some warship. They seem harmless enough, but they’re not. Tom Motherfucking Clancy is a goddamn serial killer, and his sister is some strange mystic that nobody understands.

Tom starts killing everyone, as you do. His sister is taken to a faraway planet, for safe keeping, because you never know when you’ll need a mystical heir to some clan. And then the wars begin. Because some asshole stopped a wedding, and another asshole killed someone important.

Tom escapes with his buddy Moran, because even a serial killer needs some comic relief. The battleship that was trying to stop the war ends up getting blamed for killing everyone. A bounty is set on that ship, and everyone goes after it, getting themselves killed in the process.

Seriously, like 6 ships were destroyed, because of a goddamn misunderstanding. Then, all is cleared up, and the war shifts to finding and destroying Tom and his minions. There’s also some bullshit in there about trade agreements, and turf disputes. Not that I paid attention to that. I mean, who would?

I liked this book, because I literally laughed out loud several times while reading it. I hated it, because it could never keep me in the story. I was constantly drawn out by the stupid names and references. But still, it was well written. And funny, albeit unintentionally so.

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3 of 5 Anal-Begets-Anal Stars – Free Radicals by Zeke Teflon.

This book has many issues. It’s racist. It’s misogynistic. And the story is set in a world that doesn’t need to be there. It’s a strange dystopian world. All the nukes have gone off and fried everyone’s implants, because of the EMP. There are spaceships, and colonies on other planets, and none of it needs to be there.

Because this is just the story of a fucking loser. A musician named Kel, who’s wasted and drunk all the time. His wife left him, and used her political connections to get him arrested for some terrorist bullshit. Because divorce isn’t enough for this bitch. She wants to completely ruin his life. And she does a damn good job of it.

Kel goes to jail, where he’s given clothes that have Bible verses on ’em. Mostly the bullshit verses from Leviticus. So of course, Kel ends up joining a cult in the prison. Because he was tired of all the ass rape in the general population. Little did he know that the leader of the cult, The Father, required an anal sacrifice as well. Oh well. At least it was holy rape.

After all the anal rape, war broke out, and Kel and his buddies join the Anal Nazis to kill off all the inbred scum of the earth. You know, people who aren’t white. Because that’s how the Anal Nazis roll.

Kel and his friend finally do leave the Anal Nazis, because it was gettin’ hairy, man. The killing was just too much. But then, Kel and his crew are hunted by the Anal Nazis, because Kel’s tight white ass was just too fine to let go. It becomes an all-out war of Anal Freedom, as Kel fights to survive the anal onslaught.

See what I’m saying? That entire story didn’t need any kind of dystopian landscape. The story didn’t fit the world it was set in. It could have easily been set in today’s average world. That means there were huge useless sections of this book, going on about the dystopia that didn’t need to be there.

Of course, all the ‘anal’ didn’t need to be in my review, either. But it’s funny, and it made this book sound more interesting than it is. Because there’s no Anal Nazis. They’re just regular Nazis. It’s too bad. Anal Nazis sound like much more fun. Hell, that’s a good name for a band. “And now, here’s… ANAL NAZIS!”

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1 of 5 Get-Vampire-Zombie-Raped Stars – I Am Legend by Richard Matheson.

I hated this book so much. It’s pure drivel. Well, 90% of it was drivel, the last 10% was actually pretty damn cool. But I expected the whole book to be like the last 10%, full of monsters and zombies.

But no. The first 90% was full of useless horsehshit. It’s just about this guy living in an empty city. Wandering around, going on about how much his life sucks so much ass. Oh how I wish I could find someone… Please, someone answer my call.

Shut the fuck up and kill some zombies already, man. I don’t fucking care about what you had for breakfast. I don’t care about how you’re a goddamn shut-in, who rarely leaves his fucking house. Go outside, for fuck’s sake. Give me some goddamn action. Damn.

In the last 10%, he finally meets some people. They rape him in his dirty asshole, like he deserves. Because, fuck this guy. He’s just a useless fuck. I hate him so much, I want to kill him myself.

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4 of 5 Not-Totally-Gay Stars – Broken Angels by Richard K. Morgan.

The sexy man-beast Takeshi Kovacs is back in action, for yet another adventure! Yay! Get that sexy hunk a stripper pole to dance around. Don’t bother with the g-string. Just let that hot wang flap in the breeze for us all to drool over.

Damn. That sounded gay. I’m not 100% gay, okay? But goddamn. I’m 90000% gay for Takeshi Kovacs. I guess it’s because he’s just so good at what he does. He always wins. If it’s mind games, a sword fight, a shootout, or a straight-out brawl, Kovacs will win every time. Because he’s just that fucking good.

Okay, enough of my drool…

This book is about Kovacs teaming up with yet another group of mercenaries, to recover an important alien artifact. You see, pretty much all of the high-tech stuff in their world, they stole from the aliens.

The problem is, those aliens were smart as fuck, and they put fun little booby traps in and around most of their artifacts, to wreak havoc with any fool who tries to snatch up such valuable items.

It’s crazy, because all the aliens are long past dead. Like centuries past dead. But their ghosts haunt the artifacts. Not real ghosts, of course. That’d be silly. I mean hologram type ghosts and such. Defense ghosts.

This story isn’t quite as good as the other Kovacs books, simply because there’s much less anal porn. Hardly any fucking at all happens in this book. It’s so sad. How can anyone deny such a hunky man-beast?

Dammit. Now I’ve got to go scour the interwebs for hot Kovacs slash fic. Because he’s so heterosexual in these books, that it actually offends me. How dare you keep that huge cock, just for the womens. How dare you!

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3 of 5 Super-Bored Stars – Magic Artinia by Alina Grigorovitch

This book is very strange. It’s like a homework assignment. Like the teacher said, “Okay class, I want you to write a story about a unique world. A complete planet, separate from our own.”

In that respect, I’d have to give this author a C-. She created a unique world, sure, but she cheated. All she did is take the Earth, and everything about it, and change a few minor details. Like God. Their God is the same as ours, but it’s Bob. Like, “Bobdamnit!” or “For Bob’s sake, stop being such a cunt!”

And then there’s Diet Coke, or as this world calls it, ‘Diet Crack’. Apparently all soda-pop is referred to as Crack. Not as a joke. I mean, that’s what the fucking government calls it. They have food laws and shit. “You’re only allowed one can of Crack per day…”

Another reason that this book is sub-par, is because of its complete lack of anything resembling a fucking story. It’s like the author spent so much time coming up with her so-called ‘unique world’, that she forgot to actually include a story. Because this book is like a long episode of Seinfeld. It’s pointless. It’s about nothing. It just goes on and on about the normal, every-day life of people on this planet. Nothing interesting happens. Just people going to work. Going on a vacation to Hawaii. Going to school. Who gives a flying fuck?

Oh, but some of these perfectly boring people can actually fly! It’s part of this whole ‘unique world’ thing. People of this planet have what they call ‘tokens’, which are super-power like abilities. Everyone has a token. Some can fly. Some can see really far. Some can do math really well. Some can time travel. And some can bang your mom. Because seriously dude, your mom is nasty.

Okay, fine. An entire world filled with people who have super-powers. Wow, this should be good, right? I mean, with all those super-powers, something cool has got to happen, right? Not even, man. For some reason, nobody really uses their super-powers. Because for them, tokens aren’t really super. Your token is more like a zit on your forehead. You don’t really want to show it off to everyone. In fact, most people of this world hide their tokens, out of embarrassment.

What the fuck? Why do authors have to skullfuck their ideas so much? You create a world full of super-heroes and super-villains. There should be non-stop action, for fuck’s sake. But no. It’s just filing these papers. Getting some coffee. Chatting up some cute girls. Oh. My. Bob. Come on…

There should be so much more action in this fucking book. Not that there has to be non-stop action, mind you. You can make a perfectly good story without any real action at all. Just make it interesting. Have characters that someone might actually give a shit about. Is that so hard? Am I asking too much? I think not.

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4 of 5 Golden-Ticket Stars – Ready Player One by Ernest Cline.

So, Willy Wonka and the virtual world. That’s what this book is. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It still makes for a very interesting book. But I still had some issues with it.

The “Ready Player One” bit, for instance. That is a phrase for arcade games, or console games, where there are possibilities of a second player. The way this game is described, everyone has their own console, or actually a visor that logs them into the virtual world. There’s never a second player. At no time would this game ask “Ready Player One”.

That argument aside, this is a very cool book. A compelling read that is only mostly predictable. I mean, from the very beginning, you find out that the protagonist will in fact be the one who wins the contest. So, the rest of the book is just the story of the journey of how he got there.

It’s not very often that an author spoils the entire book from the very first page, but this author does it with style. He’s all “Fuck you, man! This is what’s going to happen… Deal with it.” *Puts on sunglasses*.

This book is about a virtual reality game that everyone on the planet is pretty much addicted to. The creator of the game dies, and wills his vast fortune to whomever can find and solve the many Easter eggs that he scattered throughout the game. It’s a crazy, fun adventure, most of the time.

I’m not going to mention the completely impossible bits that make no sense. Because that would be nit-picky. And, I’m not a nit-picker, damnit. Oh, who am I kidding. I’m totally a nit-picker. Okay, maybe I’ll mention just one bit that made no sense whatsoever. Like the fact that the protagonist spent hours on an arcade version of Ms. Pac-Man, to get a perfect score.

There was no reason for him to do this. He did not know there would be a reward from this accomplishment, that would win him the entire contest. So, why did he set forth to get the perfect score? Just because he has crazy OCD? He never had OCD before that… So, yea. Doesn’t make sense at all.

It was still a very fun book to read. But yea, fuck Willy Wonka. Fuck him in his dirty chocolate asshole.

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3 of 5 Mind-Controlling-Zombie Stars – Super Anybody by Brent Meske.

I have to say that this book is an improvement over the first book in this series. Just barely. It seemed more real to me. I didn’t even notice the complete absence of profanity. I did, however, notice the continued theme of brilliant skullfucking.

The author of this book assured me that there would be less skullfucking in this book. Something tells me that he’s not very familiar with one of my favorite terms. You see, skullfucking is a true artform. You take a perfectly good story and completely wreck it. And let me tell ya, this author is a real skullfuck artist.

Because the first half of this book is horseshit. So much teenage angst, it nearly made me puke. And oh noes, daddy’s acting weird. And mom’s turned into a complete bitch. Nevermind the fact that there’s a bunch of teenagers running around town with superpowers.

No, that’s not important. Forget that shit. Nothing to see here. See, that’s how you skullfuck a story. Just ignore the good parts, and go on and on about teenage bullshit. Oh, I wonder if that girl likes me. I think I’ll have some coffee. My dad’s banging my teacher… Who the fuck cares?

This book is about an entire town being mind controlled by some evil asshole. He wants to activate all the angsty teens, so their new-found superpowers will cause complete chaos, and destroy the city. Okay, fine, when do we get to that part? Does the book start there, or does it take a couple chapters to get going?

Fuck no, the book doesn’t start there. The book drags on and on for over 100 pages, before any of that cool shit starts to happen. And that’s when our so-called protagonist, Michael, finally gets his powers. He can do some kind of mind control shit. And he has strange visions.

And then he dies. Because, he’s a fucking idiot. But he’s not really dead. Or something. So he does some sort of zombie mind-control, or astral-projection, or something to try and help his friends battle the bad guy.

I don’t get this. The entire series of these books are centered around dumbass Michael. So why kill him? Or disable him at all? He’s the jackass who’s supposed to carry the story forward, goddamnit. What the fuck? Even though the kid is a useless cunt most of the time, he’s still the primary character. So to me, his so-called death just stalled the story. And for why? I have no fucking idea.

Then, Michael wakes up, just in time to have his epic showdown with Voldemort. Seriously, that’s totally what this story reminds me of. Michael had an encounter with this Voldemort character, when he was just a wee lad. The Voldemort guy tried to take away Michael’s powers then, but failed. Just like fucking Harry Potter.

I say that this story is an improvement over the first, just because the second half of this book was actually worth reading. It finally became a fun adventure. It actually un-skullfucked itself into a decent story for a second or two.

But then, out of fucking nowhere, the skullfucking returns, and Michael climbs a tower and fucking kills himself. For no apparent reason. What the fuck, man? Everyone knows that Michael is going to return. It’s just not shocking anymore, after he died the first time.

Wait… That was Michael’s father Michael who climbed the tower and tried to kill himself. I’m so fucking confused right now. Why the bloody fuck are so many people in this book named Michael?

I get that the author is just trying to set up his next book in the series. But that just pisses me off. I’m only going to read the next book if these books are actually good, not because of a goddamn cliffhanger.

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3 of 5 Look-Who’s-Talking-Now Stars – Allegiant by Veronica Roth.

Shortly after starting this book, I got worried. I started to think that Tris was most certainly going to die. It was the only explanation for why the perspective kept jumping around from Tris, to Four, to some other jackass…

I mean, the first two books were written in the first person, from the Tris perspective. And then this book, jumping around from one perspective to another, was not only annoying as fuck, but it was very telling as to what’s going to happen to the narrator of the other books. She’s going to fucking die. There’s no other explanation for the other perspectives.

If you can get past these bullshit perspectives, and just try to enjoy the actual story in the book, it’s actually a decent book. There’s lots of action. There’s betrayal. Love gained, and love lost. A jail break. And finally, the death of the most annoying whiney-ass bitch, the angst-ridden Tris. Thank god.

This story centers around a rebellion. The people who call themselves the Allegiant. They are determined to get back to their old way of life. Where they’re all sorted into factions. So, I guess the Allegiant just want to go back to being mindless drones. Wow. So rebellious.

This book is also about finding out the truth about their society. How it came to be. What really are the Divergent? I mean, are they trying to get rid of the Divergent people, or are they, in fact, the reason for the whole society in the first place?

The description of how their walled-up society came to be is just fucking retarded. The Purity Wars? Seriously? There was a war about who’s genetically pure, and who’s supposedly flawed? That’s just silly. Then again, there have been wars about sillier things. Like religion. And slavery.

And yes, the Divergent are, in fact, the chosen ones. They are the genetically pure ones. But, unfortunately, it turns out that Four isn’t a real Divergent. He’s just slightly Divergent. So, he’s still flawed. So he and Tris break up, because who wants to be with someone who’s flawed. Awwww. So sad.

But don’t worry. They get back together, just before she dies. Because, drama and shit. The stupid thing is, there really was no need for her to die. I really don’t get it. In fact, I think the story would have been much better if she lived. Oh well. One less whiney-ass bitch.

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4 of 5 Unemployed Stars – Lyric the Unknown by Jim Maher.

This is a great book. I fucking loved it. Maybe it’s because I played the violin as a child, or maybe it’s because it’s a complete rip-off of In the After, but I don’t care. It’s still fucking awesome.

It’s the story of a young girl who hates her fucking violin. I can relate, because I hated mine too. I couldn’t play for shit. I couldn’t even read music. But one time, I was glad I had it with me. A few bullies cornered me as I was walking to school. But they soon left me alone as I raised my violin case and said “Bring it, bitches!”

Young Lyric was practicing her violin one day, when all the sudden, the end of the world came. She could see people running and screaming in the streets below her building, as monsters took over the city. Her sister and mother were taken, shrouded in a cocoon, and dragged to the bowels of the city.

Lyric wakes up 50 years later, still clutching her violin and bow. She uses her violin to bust out of the cocoon, and finds herself in complete darkness. Soon, she is chased by hideous monsters. She flees, finds some stairs, and is saved by a kind stranger.

She awakes to a whole new world. The world of The Heights, where it’s safe from the monsters. Because, apparently the monsters are like vampires or something. They burn in sunlight, so they stay in the bowels of the city.

Lyric is introduced to The Council, where they discuss her future. She’s told that she is an ‘Unknown’, which to me was quite a mysterious thing. What does it mean? Does she have like super-powers, or something? No, it just means that she doesn’t have a job. Seriously? That’s so fucking retarded. I expected so much more from the ‘Unknown’ idea, but I guess the author didn’t have time to come up with something cool. Damn.

She’s put through a test, where they try to find out what she’s good for. What can she do? Can she be a Healer? Fuck no. A map-maker? No fucking way. She’s fucking useless. She fails all the tests, and is doomed to exile, unless she can make herself useful.

So, out of boredom, she busts out her violin, and plays some music. And somehow, everyone is amazed. They’ve never heard music before. Seriously? Okay, it’s 50 years in the future. So, it’s what, 2065? How the fuck none of these people have heard music before, I don’t understand. I mean, nobody sings in the shower? Come on…

It’s explained, sort of. The creator of this world had a flaw in his design. Music fucks everything up. So, he bans it. That still doesn’t explain why someone wouldn’t sing in the shower. It doesn’t explain the complete lack of knowledge that music ever existed. I mean, murder is against the law, but it happens every day anyway. There’s just no way you can completely remove music from a society.

Parts of this book needed more detail. The so-called testing, for instance. It’s like she entered the testing area, talked to some testing bitch, and it’s over. Next chapter. What the bloody fuck? How about some actual tests, goddamnit? I wanna know how she fails so miserably at everything.

But I guess that’s what makes this book so good. Because I kept wanting more. And it was fucking hilarious. I literally laughed out loud several times. And cried. What the fuck is wrong with me?

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2 of 5 Space-Dildo Stars – 2147 by SDZ Whitaker.

Can you imagine the Earth with 15 billion motherfuckers on it? I can’t. That’s too many goddamn people. Just imagine all those fuckers arguing all the time. It would be hell on Earth. There’s no way our population would get that much out of control. At some point, Al Gore, or some other green nutjob would have dropped a bomb and wiped out at least 1/4 of that population. Just sayin’.

This book is about one such population problem. The solution, of course, is to find some way to populate some other planets. To spread our herpes to the rest of the galaxy, and hope for the best. So some scientist guy designs a faster than light drive, and our world is about to be saved…

But then the aliens came. They came all over the place. On their TV screens. On the walls. On the cat. Because, apparently, unbeknownst to us, the Earth is really one big reality TV show. You know, like that one South Park episode.

Oh, and aliens have been living on the Earth for hundreds of years, just waiting for the right time to strike. Jacking off constantly to their live-streaming Earth porn. But hey man, you can only jack off so many times, before you have to venture outside and wreak some havoc.

And then comes the politics. Fuck politics, man. I fucking hate politics. It ruins so many stories, it just pisses me off so much. Seriously. I mean, wouldn’t The Hunger Games be about 9 billion times better without all the goddamn political horseshit? Damn right, it would.

Like 90% of this goddamn book is politics. The Earth’s government having meetings about what the fuck to do with these perverted aliens. The alien government having meetings to discuss their overwhelming shortage of lube. You know, the important issues of their time.

Then the book turns into Independence Day. Because the light-speed scientist can’t figure out how to build a good enough space ship that won’t just rip apart as soon as it hits light speed. But hey, he’s seen some movies, man. He knows what’s up.

So he steals one of the alien spaceships, and gets his hacker girlfriend to design a dildo-looking transmitter on the outside of their new-found ship, so they can hack into the alien mothership, just in case they got lost. Seriously. They hack into the mothership, not to save the world and all that happy horseshit, but to get maps. MAPS!?

Yeah, apparently they were like really really lost, and there was no fucking way the scientist dude was going to stop by a gas station and ask for directions. No, couldn’t do that. For one, there weren’t any gas stations floating out in space, and for another, his girlfriend would totally think he was a pussy if he stopped and asked some local hillbilly for directions. So, fuck that. Just hack the mothership. That makes sense.

With their sexy new maps, the scientist dude and his girlfriend slip through a wormhole in space, and are stopped by another alien spaceship on the other side of the wormhole. The humans almost inadvertently started an all-out galactic war, until one of the aliens recognized them.

Then the humans start their new careers as intergalactic porn stars. Because that’s the only way I can make this book sound interesting. Seriously, it’s not interesting at all. It’s boring as fuck, in fact. Too much politics, and not enough porn.

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