Archive for the ‘Young Adult’ Category

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4 of 5 Kids-With-Guns Stars – The Oneiro Rangers in First Night by Erwin Blackthorn

This is a great story, if you start reading it on page 14. Seriously, the first 14 pages are complete horse shit. And it really pisses me off, considering that the whole book is only 70 goddamn pages. So that’s 20% of the book completely wasted. Motherfucker. What a great way to get readers to throw this fucking thing in the trash from the very beginning, you fucking idiot of an author.

That being said, if you skip those first 14 pages, this is a very good story. I quite enjoyed it. It’s about a bunch of kids attending an academy to train them to become Oneiro Rangers. Or wizards. Or something. Because it really reminded me of the Harry Potter books. With Dementors, a sorting machine, and even a Professor Snape for fuck’s sake.

The story follows a few kids who survived an attack by a Nightterror (aka Dementor), which kidnapped the entire school. Only these few kids remain, along with their Professor Snape to guide them. Oh, and some mysterious Doctor who I can only assume is Professor Dumbledore, because he explains the whole mess to the kids and gives them the tools to defeat the Dementors.

It really is a great story, despite the fact that the cover looks like it was designed by a retarded 1st grader. I man, come on. The graphic is okay, but the text just looks… I dunno. Stupid, I guess. Amateur. But, whatever… It’s still a great story, and I would highly recommend it. As long as you skip the first boring, useless, 14 pages.

 

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4 of 5 Whimpy-Korean-Fucker Stars – Chewy Noh and the Phantasm of Winter by Tim Learn.

For someone like me, who’s never heard of any Korean mythology, this book is very strange. I mean, who knew that there was a fucking god of the kitchen, goddess of the bathroom, and a god of the door. Yes, apparently Koreans worship the door to their bathroom. Crazy fucking wack-jobs.

This book is the second installment of the Korean retard known as Chewy Noh. Okay, he’s not technically retarded, but he’s not smart, that’s for damn sure. He’s some Junior High kid who can only pass tests at school because he’s literally got super-powers that allow him to pass any test. You know, like X-Men mutant powers.

But without his super-powers, he’s completely retarded. In this book, he soon wishes he doesn’t have super test taking skills, because his new teacher starts to think he’s cheating. She gets a total hard-on for Chewy. No, not sexually. That’s sick. No, she gets a hard-on for catching the little shit cheating.

She makes tests that no student could possibly pass. She even puts trick questions in there, that don’t even have a correct answer. But Chewy still gets a perfect score. So she gets an even bigger hard-on for him, and keeps making more impossible tests, to prove that chewy is a low-down dirty fucking cheater. You know, like all Koreans. Hey, shuddup. That’s not me being racist. That’s the author’s words right there. So, suck it.

Chewy starts getting haunted by the god of doors. Or something. He goes through the door to the bathroom at a party, and all the sudden he’s someplace else. Like it was a portal or something. Apparently, that’s what the door god does. He makes portals out of doors.

Chewy gets this bright idea. In order to trick his teacher into thinking he’s not a typical Korean cheater, he’s going to have to sneak into her office and steal the answers to the next test. He’s going to have to cheat, in order to actually prove that he’s not a cheater. As I said, he’s fucking retarded.

Then there’s the whole ‘Winter Soldier’ thing. Another ghost, who may or may not be the god of the toilet, is causing all kinds of havoc. He/she/it is terrorizing kids everywhere. Attacking them, and sending them to the hospital. So Chewy and his buddy put on their best Scooby-Doo impression, and go around trying to figure out who the ghost is, and what they want.

I’ve never been a fan of ghost stories. Because ghosts don’t fucking exist. I’ll never forget one time my next door neighbor asked me, “What do you mean, you don’t believe in god? How do you explain ghosts, then?” I gave her my most plain stare and answered, “Simple. They don’t exist either.”

But then again, monsters don’t really exist, and I love me a good monster story. And I don’t hate this book because it’s a ghost story. I don’t hate it at all, really. It’s actually quite good. It’s much better than the first story in the series.

I liked it because it had an actual story line, unlike the first book. It had a real plot. There was some actual meat on them bones. And the Korean mythology was actually quite interesting to read. But I was still hoping that one of those ghosts would totally kill poor Chewy. Because he really is the most pathetic hero I’ve ever read about.

****

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3 of 5 Teenage-Fuck-Fest Stars – Sex in the Apartment by Scarlet Cunniliffe.

This book reminds me a lot of my prepubescent years. Young kids breaking into abandoned houses to fondle each other. Even though we didn’t even know what sex was, we knew we wanted to see each other’s junk. And we sure as fuck wanted to play with that junk. Preferably some place that our parents couldn’t barge in and interrupt. Because that’s a huge boner-killer, lemme tell ya.

Sex in the Apartment is about some young teenagers who break into an abandoned military building, somewhere in London. And they turn it into their own private sex club. Even though they’re all virgins, they fondle each other madly until someone has the bright idea to stick a cock in a pussy. And they’re off to the races after that.

But it turns out that just fucking all the time gets kinda boring. So they start taking naked pictures. Pics of big dicks. Picks of wet pussies. And pics of straight-up teenage orgies. Of course what they didn’t really realize was that they were actually creating child porn. But they did soon find out that there was quite a market for what they were making. So they started selling their child porn, and made a fucking fortune.

And then, for some reason, the mob gets involved. They want porn movies. Hot underage teenage porn movies. With sexy rape scenes. And of course some chick getting banged by a dog. Because duh. The sicker the better when it comes to kiddy porn, apparently.

But instead, the kids go back to their ‘apartment’ and start thinking up fucking games. You know, like that time you stuck ping-pong balls in your pussy, and shot them across the room for all your friends to see. They cheered you on so much that you got some of your girlfriends to join in. You all gathered around a bucket and shot balls into it with your pussy, until someone finally gets a ball stuck up their twat.

Yes, that scene actually happened in this book. But then the guys get bored again, and go out and find some runaway whore who wants to get the fuck of her life. She wants to get covered in cocks and pussy and ass and jizz. On film, of course. So they do it. They have a huge fucking orgy with this sore twat as the centerpiece. And they all get high as fuck on some coke. And weed. And hell, whatever other drugs happen to be lying around.

And as this crazy orgy is going on, the poor runaway is apparently dying. I mean literally dying. As three guys are cumming in her mouth, anus, and pussy, this girl is having a fucking heart attack. And she fucking dies right there, as these guys are cumming all over her face. Good times.

The best part is when they started arguing about who was going to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I mean the girl’s face was covered in fresh jizz. It was still bubbling up in her mouth. Gross, man. But some brave girl did come (heh come) forward and dig some of the jizz out of the girl’s mouth, and try to revive her. To no avail, of course.

So they buried her in the woods, as you do. And decided to lock up the apartment and never to return. And then they all get arrested the next day. For murdering a young girl. Or no, maybe it was for distributing child porn. No that wasn’t it either. They got arrested for trespassing on government property. Seriously, man? After all that shit they did? Come on, now.

The problem I have with this book is the complete lack of any kind of plot. It wasn’t much of a story at all. It was pretty much just porn from beginning to end. There wasn’t even any real conflict, until the very end. And of course, there was no depth at all to the characters. I didn’t give a flying fuck about any of them. The could have all died in a fucking plane crash in the end, and I couldn’t have cared less.

But that being said, I still did enjoy this book. I mean it wasn’t ‘shocking’ as the author assured me that it would be. To some, it may be shocking, but certainly not me. I mean, who hasn’t shoved a carrot up some twat? Or a huge zucchini up someone’s ass. This is not new or shocking. It’s just porn. Entertaining porn, sure. But it’s not breaking new ground. And it didn’t even give me a mild chubby. So not very good porn, really.

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1 of 5 Stupid-Little-Cunt Stars – Podkayne of Mars by Robert A. Heinlein.

I hate this book so much. It’s absolutely fucking retarded. Which is kind of strange, considering the story is about a couple of genius teenagers. But I guess even genius teenagers have to go on and on about stupid shit all the time.

This book is the first person journal of the 15-year-old Podkayne, or ‘Pod’, or as I like to call her ‘Stupid Little Cunt’. She lives on Mars, but yearns to explore the galaxy. She pines for the stars constantly. And when her parents won’t let her go on a voyage to Earth, she cries like a little girl and goes on and on about how her stupid life sucks. Awww. Shut the fuck up, you stupid teenage whore.

But she gets lucky, and her uncle Tom takes her and her brother on a VIP trip around the galaxy in a luxury liner. Oh goodie! I finally get to see the galaxy and find even more things to bitch and moan about! Sweet!

While they are getting on the luxury liner, Pod’s sarcastic genius brother tells the check-in agent that he’s got a couple kilos of ‘happy dust’, which in their world, is pretty much heroin. He doesn’t really have any happy dust, he’s just being a stupid fucking jackass. So of course, he’s taken away and searched. Getting his asshole probed and tongued, as you do.

But this was all part of his evil plan. You see, some fanatics paid him a shit-ton of money to smuggle a bomb onboard the ship. So, while Clark is being searched, Pod gets through the gate just fine, with the bomb secretly hidden in her luggage. Without her knowing, of course.

When they get onboard, Clark explained his evil plan. “Oh that,” he explains. “That’s a nuclear bomb. But don’t worry. I took it apart. You never know when you’ll need a nuclear bomb.”

What? Seriously? Just get rid of the fucking thing. Damn. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? Two teenagers with a nuclear bomb. Yeah, everything is going to be just fine. Sure.

Then, the teenagers get kidnapped. Because uncle Tom is actually some huge Mars political figure, and he’s about to give a speech at some bullshit conference. So his enemies use the teenagers as leverage to get the racist Tom to do their evil bidding at the summit.

But not to worry. Clark had smuggled his nuclear bomb into his cell somehow. Apparently he has a very accommodating anus. So he assembles his bomb, and blows up everyone, including his sister, Pod. But saves himself, of course. Fucking asshole.

My wife recommended this book to me. I decided that I wanted to read some Heinlein, and she said that I’d definately love this book. Fucking bullshit. I hated this book so much. From the very beginning. Just a whiney ass bitch going on and on about stupid teenage horseshit. Like I fucking care.

But I pushed on. I continued reading it, just in hopes that there would be a glimmer of Heinlein genius buried deep in this fucking book. But there wasn’t. Heinlein was a great writer, but his talents were completely wasted on this stupid book.

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2 of 5 A-Gun-For-Astro Stars – Astro is Down in the Dumps by Susan Day.

Fuck this dog! Seriously, what is your problem, man? How hard can life be, as a fucking dog? You’ve got everything! Food, water, shelter, and even friends, for fuck’s sake. I just don’t understand what the fuck this dog is depressed about. Maybe someone pissed in his water bowl, or something. Who the hell knows.

This book is about a stupid cunt-doggie, who whines all day about how miserable his fucking life is. I’m pretty sure he’s suicidal. Because all his goddamn friends come to see him, and try to cheer him up, but he’s not having any of it. “Fuck off!” he says.

But they won’t ‘fuck off’. More and more friends come to see this stupid cunt-doggie, in more useless attempts to cheer him up. Of course one stupid asshole brings him fruit. How the fuck is fruit supposed to cheer up a motherfucking dog? He’s a goddamn carnivore. Bring him some fucking beef ribs or something. That’d make any dog happy.

But no. His friends keep bringing him stupid shit, that wouldn’t cheer up any dog that I know. I mean, they bring him paints, so he can do some doodling. Big deal. They bring him music, so he can sing and dance. What fucking dog wants to sing and dance? Come on.

The only good suggestion made by these so-called friends of his, was to go outside and play, goddamnit. Get the fuck out of bed, you lazy fuck. Bask in the sunshine. Chase a motherfucking frisbee, for fuck’s sake. Or a cat, even. Just do something, damn.

In the end, this cunt-dog learns a valuable lesson: his friends are assholes. He only has one true friend, and that’s the one who took him outside to play. The rest can fuck off and die.

*** DISCLAIMER: This is NOT an honest review. This review is for amusement purposes only, by request from the author. You can read my real review of this book at goodreads, if you like. I gave it 4/5 stars, because it really is a great children’s book.

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3 of 5 Not-Much-Of-A-Wookie Stars – Chewy Noh and the Fall of the Mu-dang by Tim Learn.

This book reminds me too much of school. I fucking hated school. All that reading and writing, and paying attention in class… Fuck that shit. I’ve got better things to do, goddamnit.

Chewy – what a silly fucking name. At first, I thought maybe the author wasn’t aware of the most famous ‘Chewy’. But then a bully in this story made the comment “So your mother named you after a Wookie? Nice.”

But this Chewy is nothing like a Wookie. He’s a tiny little grade school weakling. He’s like a foot shorter than everyone. Not because he’s Korean. No, that’s got nothing to do with it. He was just born to be a fucking pussy boy.

But at least there’s a tradeoff. Sure, he’s frail and weak, but at least he’s got superpowers. Well, not real superpowers. Because he’s a fucking idiot. He could have chosen to fly, or be invincible, or invisible, or so many other marvelous things, but he didn’t. He chose to have the superpower to pass any test posed to him. Like that’s a fucking superpower.

Chewy uses his new-found power on the next test in school, and sure enough, he passes with a perfect score. I guess I can kind of understand his need for this kind of power, because before this, he was a fucking retard. Seriously, he couldn’t do anything right, and failed every exam, before he got his so-called superpowers.

Oh yea, and his mom’s a witch. Kind of. She can read minds, and see the future. This is a very annoying thing for a young boy. Just imagine living with a mom who can read your every thought. That’s scary shit right there. And sure enough, it drives poor Chewy crazy.

I’m not sure why this book was nearly 400 pages long. It wasn’t much of a story. It’s just the comings and goings of typical shit that happens in school. Girl crushes. Boy crushes. Rumors and such. There’s just not much story in this book.

Chewy gets bullied. His friend gets bullied. They sneak into the principle’s office to get some dirt on the bullies. Discover that one of the bullies was held back a grade. Oh noes! One of the bullies just happens to get superpowers of his own, and tries to frame Chewy for burning down the school.

That’s not a 400 page story. It’s a 100 page story, at best. That being said, it was still well written. It was actually a fairly compelling read. I mean, I finished it in one sitting, which I rarely do. So, it’s not a bad story per se, it just lacked substance.

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2 of 5 Throbbing-Gay-Cock Stars – Days of Throbbing Gristle by Kevin Cole.

I don’t know why, but when I read young adult fiction from a guy’s perspective, it always seems like they’re just whiny little bitches. Like Catcher in the Rye. A whiny ass bitch. It’s Kind of a Funny Story, yet another whiny ass bitch. And this book follows that same trend. Why? I have no fucking idea.

I mean, seriously… Why the fuck can’t authors write about interesting characters? Why do they always have to be whiny ass bitches? It’s fucking stupid. It’s even more stupid, when it’s 800 some pages of whiny ass bitch, which is what this book is.

It’s the story of some young English faggot, who travels to Texas as an exchange student. He doesn’t waste any time. He starts sucking dick right away. Cuz that’s how you do it in Texas, apparently. I might have to visit that fine state some day.

The young lad decides that he’s not 100% gay, and goes looking for a girlfriend. This is a hard (heh, I said ‘hard’) thing to do, when the whole community has first hand knowledge of your fine dick-sucking abilities. Word gets around, man.

So he cries like a little girl, because nobody will love him. He smokes a bowl, snorts some coke, drinks some beers, and sucks some more cock. Because hey man, stick with what you’re good at.

Somewhere along the line, he comes to the conclusion that love is bullshit. Because everyone is just out for themselves. Girls just want to be popular. They want to drink, and get high, and hang out with the cutest guys. Guys, on the other hand, just want to get laid. Period. Nothing fancy. Just gimme some goddamn pussy.

But love? There is no love. At least there’s none to be had for this poor English faggot. Because lets face it, nobody wants to hang out and get drunk with a whiney ass bitch.

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