Ready Player One – no! I’m not ready!

4 of 5 Golden-Ticket Stars – Ready Player One by Ernest Cline.

So, Willy Wonka and the virtual world. That’s what this book is. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It still makes for a very interesting book. But I still had some issues with it.

The “Ready Player One” bit, for instance. That is a phrase for arcade games, or console games, where there are possibilities of a second player. The way this game is described, everyone has their own console, or actually a visor that logs them into the virtual world. There’s never a second player. At no time would this game ask “Ready Player One”.

That argument aside, this is a very cool book. A compelling read that is only mostly predictable. I mean, from the very beginning, you find out that the protagonist will in fact be the one who wins the contest. So, the rest of the book is just the story of the journey of how he got there.

It’s not very often that an author spoils the entire book from the very first page, but this author does it with style. He’s all “Fuck you, man! This is what’s going to happen… Deal with it.” *Puts on sunglasses*.

This book is about a virtual reality game that everyone on the planet is pretty much addicted to. The creator of the game dies, and wills his vast fortune to whomever can find and solve the many Easter eggs that he scattered throughout the game. It’s a crazy, fun adventure, most of the time.

I’m not going to mention the completely impossible bits that make no sense. Because that would be nit-picky. And, I’m not a nit-picker, damnit. Oh, who am I kidding. I’m totally a nit-picker. Okay, maybe I’ll mention just one bit that made no sense whatsoever. Like the fact that the protagonist spent hours on an arcade version of Ms. Pac-Man, to get a perfect score.

There was no reason for him to do this. He did not know there would be a reward from this accomplishment, that would win him the entire contest. So, why did he set forth to get the perfect score? Just because he has crazy OCD? He never had OCD before that… So, yea. Doesn’t make sense at all.

It was still a very fun book to read. But yea, fuck Willy Wonka. Fuck him in his dirty chocolate asshole.

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Messenger – has a message from the devil

4 of 5 Pesky-Devil Stars – Messenger by Lois Lowry.

This book is one of the low-tech stories in the Giver series. It’s set in a simple village. People have simple lives, working on farms, weaving cloth, smelting iron, etc.

It’s the story of what happens when the devil comes to town. It’s not actually said that the man is, in fact, the devil. But to me, it’s the only logical conclusion.

Because, the devil offers people amazing gifts. He can heal the sick. He can make someone love you. He can give you riches. A beautiful house. A majestic horse. Pretty much anything you desire, the devil can provide.

But of course, there’s a price to be paid for all these gifts. The forest is dying. Hell, their world is dying. So, one boy takes it upon himself to heal their forest, and set everything right that the devil has set wrong.

It really is a heartwarming tale. It seriously pisses me off that there wasn’t much wrong with it. The characters were vibrant. The story was well told.

Most of the time, I find myself rooting for the villain. But in this story, I actually wanted to see good prevail. Because the author actually made me give a shit about the characters. I wanted them to live, and be happy.

This is so uncharacteristic of me. I usually enjoy the pain and suffering on the page. But with this book, I really wanted to see the devil get what he deserved. And so, he did.

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Haunted – is not haunted

3 of 5 Sick-And-Twisted Stars – Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk.

I wouldn’t call this a novel. It’s a novella, at best, that creates a setting for the characters within the novella to tell their short stories. Frankly, this would have been a better book if was just a collection of short stories without the bullshit novella that ties them all together. It doesn’t need that connection. The short stories have nothing to do with the novella that is intertwined.

Most of the time, I found myself skipping, or skimming most of the novella, and just reading the sort stories. Because, the short stories were mostly quite insane and interesting to read. The novella was boring as fuck. Sure, they had to resort to cannibalism to stay alive, but who gives a fuck? All of those characters are useless assholes, who deserve to get eaten anyway.

So, yea. This book is completely fucked in the head. I’m pretty sure the author was on acid when he wrote this shit. I’m glad I read it, for the completely fucked up bits, but I’m still pissed off that I had to wade through the bullshit of that novella just to get to the good short story bits.

There’s the guy who got his guts sucked out his butthole, because he was sitting on the pool drain, while masturbating. There’s the call girl who only does ‘foot jobs’. She can end your life, just by massaging your feet. A nun who kills people with a bowling ball. A chef who kills critics who give him a bad review. (Oh shit! Fuck. I’m a dead man…)

I persisted to the end, just for the fucked up parts. But they were hard to find. Like mining for shit-covered gold. Often times, the worthless fucking novella got in the way of the short stories that it was supporting, and it was hard to tell them apart. In this fashion, it was actually work to get through this book. I had to like, concentrate or something. It hurt my tiny wittle brain.

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Super Anybody – is super dead

3 of 5 Mind-Controlling-Zombie Stars – Super Anybody by Brent Meske.

I have to say that this book is an improvement over the first book in this series. Just barely. It seemed more real to me. I didn’t even notice the complete absence of profanity. I did, however, notice the continued theme of brilliant skullfucking.

The author of this book assured me that there would be less skullfucking in this book. Something tells me that he’s not very familiar with one of my favorite terms. You see, skullfucking is a true artform. You take a perfectly good story and completely wreck it. And let me tell ya, this author is a real skullfuck artist.

Because the first half of this book is horseshit. So much teenage angst, it nearly made me puke. And oh noes, daddy’s acting weird. And mom’s turned into a complete bitch. Nevermind the fact that there’s a bunch of teenagers running around town with superpowers.

No, that’s not important. Forget that shit. Nothing to see here. See, that’s how you skullfuck a story. Just ignore the good parts, and go on and on about teenage bullshit. Oh, I wonder if that girl likes me. I think I’ll have some coffee. My dad’s banging my teacher… Who the fuck cares?

This book is about an entire town being mind controlled by some evil asshole. He wants to activate all the angsty teens, so their new-found superpowers will cause complete chaos, and destroy the city. Okay, fine, when do we get to that part? Does the book start there, or does it take a couple chapters to get going?

Fuck no, the book doesn’t start there. The book drags on and on for over 100 pages, before any of that cool shit starts to happen. And that’s when our so-called protagonist, Michael, finally gets his powers. He can do some kind of mind control shit. And he has strange visions.

And then he dies. Because, he’s a fucking idiot. But he’s not really dead. Or something. So he does some sort of zombie mind-control, or astral-projection, or something to try and help his friends battle the bad guy.

I don’t get this. The entire series of these books are centered around dumbass Michael. So why kill him? Or disable him at all? He’s the jackass who’s supposed to carry the story forward, goddamnit. What the fuck? Even though the kid is a useless cunt most of the time, he’s still the primary character. So to me, his so-called death just stalled the story. And for why? I have no fucking idea.

Then, Michael wakes up, just in time to have his epic showdown with Voldemort. Seriously, that’s totally what this story reminds me of. Michael had an encounter with this Voldemort character, when he was just a wee lad. The Voldemort guy tried to take away Michael’s powers then, but failed. Just like fucking Harry Potter.

I say that this story is an improvement over the first, just because the second half of this book was actually worth reading. It finally became a fun adventure. It actually un-skullfucked itself into a decent story for a second or two.

But then, out of fucking nowhere, the skullfucking returns, and Michael climbs a tower and fucking kills himself. For no apparent reason. What the fuck, man? Everyone knows that Michael is going to return. It’s just not shocking anymore, after he died the first time.

Wait… That was Michael’s father Michael who climbed the tower and tried to kill himself. I’m so fucking confused right now. Why the bloody fuck are so many people in this book named Michael?

I get that the author is just trying to set up his next book in the series. But that just pisses me off. I’m only going to read the next book if these books are actually good, not because of a goddamn cliffhanger.

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Allegiant – is very wishy-washy

3 of 5 Look-Who’s-Talking-Now Stars – Allegiant by Veronica Roth.

Shortly after starting this book, I got worried. I started to think that Tris was most certainly going to die. It was the only explanation for why the perspective kept jumping around from Tris, to Four, to some other jackass…

I mean, the first two books were written in the first person, from the Tris perspective. And then this book, jumping around from one perspective to another, was not only annoying as fuck, but it was very telling as to what’s going to happen to the narrator of the other books. She’s going to fucking die. There’s no other explanation for the other perspectives.

If you can get past these bullshit perspectives, and just try to enjoy the actual story in the book, it’s actually a decent book. There’s lots of action. There’s betrayal. Love gained, and love lost. A jail break. And finally, the death of the most annoying whiney-ass bitch, the angst-ridden Tris. Thank god.

This story centers around a rebellion. The people who call themselves the Allegiant. They are determined to get back to their old way of life. Where they’re all sorted into factions. So, I guess the Allegiant just want to go back to being mindless drones. Wow. So rebellious.

This book is also about finding out the truth about their society. How it came to be. What really are the Divergent? I mean, are they trying to get rid of the Divergent people, or are they, in fact, the reason for the whole society in the first place?

The description of how their walled-up society came to be is just fucking retarded. The Purity Wars? Seriously? There was a war about who’s genetically pure, and who’s supposedly flawed? That’s just silly. Then again, there have been wars about sillier things. Like religion. And slavery.

And yes, the Divergent are, in fact, the chosen ones. They are the genetically pure ones. But, unfortunately, it turns out that Four isn’t a real Divergent. He’s just slightly Divergent. So, he’s still flawed. So he and Tris break up, because who wants to be with someone who’s flawed. Awwww. So sad.

But don’t worry. They get back together, just before she dies. Because, drama and shit. The stupid thing is, there really was no need for her to die. I really don’t get it. In fact, I think the story would have been much better if she lived. Oh well. One less whiney-ass bitch.

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Lyric the Unknown – I wish I’d known her

4 of 5 Unemployed Stars – Lyric the Unknown by Jim Maher.

This is a great book. I fucking loved it. Maybe it’s because I played the violin as a child, or maybe it’s because it’s a complete rip-off of In the After, but I don’t care. It’s still fucking awesome.

It’s the story of a young girl who hates her fucking violin. I can relate, because I hated mine too. I couldn’t play for shit. I couldn’t even read music. But one time, I was glad I had it with me. A few bullies cornered me as I was walking to school. But they soon left me alone as I raised my violin case and said “Bring it, bitches!”

Young Lyric was practicing her violin one day, when all the sudden, the end of the world came. She could see people running and screaming in the streets below her building, as monsters took over the city. Her sister and mother were taken, shrouded in a cocoon, and dragged to the bowels of the city.

Lyric wakes up 50 years later, still clutching her violin and bow. She uses her violin to bust out of the cocoon, and finds herself in complete darkness. Soon, she is chased by hideous monsters. She flees, finds some stairs, and is saved by a kind stranger.

She awakes to a whole new world. The world of The Heights, where it’s safe from the monsters. Because, apparently the monsters are like vampires or something. They burn in sunlight, so they stay in the bowels of the city.

Lyric is introduced to The Council, where they discuss her future. She’s told that she is an ‘Unknown’, which to me was quite a mysterious thing. What does it mean? Does she have like super-powers, or something? No, it just means that she doesn’t have a job. Seriously? That’s so fucking retarded. I expected so much more from the ‘Unknown’ idea, but I guess the author didn’t have time to come up with something cool. Damn.

She’s put through a test, where they try to find out what she’s good for. What can she do? Can she be a Healer? Fuck no. A map-maker? No fucking way. She’s fucking useless. She fails all the tests, and is doomed to exile, unless she can make herself useful.

So, out of boredom, she busts out her violin, and plays some music. And somehow, everyone is amazed. They’ve never heard music before. Seriously? Okay, it’s 50 years in the future. So, it’s what, 2065? How the fuck none of these people have heard music before, I don’t understand. I mean, nobody sings in the shower? Come on…

It’s explained, sort of. The creator of this world had a flaw in his design. Music fucks everything up. So, he bans it. That still doesn’t explain why someone wouldn’t sing in the shower. It doesn’t explain the complete lack of knowledge that music ever existed. I mean, murder is against the law, but it happens every day anyway. There’s just no way you can completely remove music from a society.

Parts of this book needed more detail. The so-called testing, for instance. It’s like she entered the testing area, talked to some testing bitch, and it’s over. Next chapter. What the bloody fuck? How about some actual tests, goddamnit? I wanna know how she fails so miserably at everything.

But I guess that’s what makes this book so good. Because I kept wanting more. And it was fucking hilarious. I literally laughed out loud several times. And cried. What the fuck is wrong with me?

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On Writing – makes King a bloody hypocrite

2 of 5 Do-As-I-Say-Not-As-I-Do Stars – On Writing by Stephen King.

This book is bullshit. If Stephen King followed his own advice in this book, his books would only be about 100 pages long.

Don’t get me wrong, he does give some good advice in this book. For instance: write every day. Good advice, sure. Be concise, and to the point. Good advice as well. But can anyone say that King’s books are concise and to the point? Not really. If anything, they’re the exact opposite.

Here’s some more of his keen wisdom from this book: if you can write a sentence with fewer words and still convey the same idea, use fewer words. This is the bit that gets me. It’s great advice. I use this advice. But King’s books are always chock-full of filler bullshit words/paragraphs/complete chapters that don’t fucking need to be there.

His novel Insomnia, for instance. 672 motherfucking pages. There’s about a 100 page decent story buried in that pile of pages. It’s like this for most of his books. They are just full of bullshit filler.

I used to love King’s books, back in the day. The Shining was fucking awesome. So was Carrie. But since then, he’s just been pumping out the pages for no real reason.

So, fuck Stephen King in his dirty asshole. Because, fuck man. Take your own advice, for fuck’s sake, and stop filling your books with page after page of blithering fat.

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2147 – is intergalactic porn

2 of 5 Space-Dildo Stars – 2147 by SDZ Whitaker.

Can you imagine the Earth with 15 billion motherfuckers on it? I can’t. That’s too many goddamn people. Just imagine all those fuckers arguing all the time. It would be hell on Earth. There’s no way our population would get that much out of control. At some point, Al Gore, or some other green nutjob would have dropped a bomb and wiped out at least 1/4 of that population. Just sayin’.

This book is about one such population problem. The solution, of course, is to find some way to populate some other planets. To spread our herpes to the rest of the galaxy, and hope for the best. So some scientist guy designs a faster than light drive, and our world is about to be saved…

But then the aliens came. They came all over the place. On their TV screens. On the walls. On the cat. Because, apparently, unbeknownst to us, the Earth is really one big reality TV show. You know, like that one South Park episode.

Oh, and aliens have been living on the Earth for hundreds of years, just waiting for the right time to strike. Jacking off constantly to their live-streaming Earth porn. But hey man, you can only jack off so many times, before you have to venture outside and wreak some havoc.

And then comes the politics. Fuck politics, man. I fucking hate politics. It ruins so many stories, it just pisses me off so much. Seriously. I mean, wouldn’t The Hunger Games be about 9 billion times better without all the goddamn political horseshit? Damn right, it would.

Like 90% of this goddamn book is politics. The Earth’s government having meetings about what the fuck to do with these perverted aliens. The alien government having meetings to discuss their overwhelming shortage of lube. You know, the important issues of their time.

Then the book turns into Independence Day. Because the light-speed scientist can’t figure out how to build a good enough space ship that won’t just rip apart as soon as it hits light speed. But hey, he’s seen some movies, man. He knows what’s up.

So he steals one of the alien spaceships, and gets his hacker girlfriend to design a dildo-looking transmitter on the outside of their new-found ship, so they can hack into the alien mothership, just in case they got lost. Seriously. They hack into the mothership, not to save the world and all that happy horseshit, but to get maps. MAPS!?

Yeah, apparently they were like really really lost, and there was no fucking way the scientist dude was going to stop by a gas station and ask for directions. No, couldn’t do that. For one, there weren’t any gas stations floating out in space, and for another, his girlfriend would totally think he was a pussy if he stopped and asked some local hillbilly for directions. So, fuck that. Just hack the mothership. That makes sense.

With their sexy new maps, the scientist dude and his girlfriend slip through a wormhole in space, and are stopped by another alien spaceship on the other side of the wormhole. The humans almost inadvertently started an all-out galactic war, until one of the aliens recognized them.

Then the humans start their new careers as intergalactic porn stars. Because that’s the only way I can make this book sound interesting. Seriously, it’s not interesting at all. It’s boring as fuck, in fact. Too much politics, and not enough porn.

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The Girl on the Train – is a drunken whore

2 of 5 Gone-Girl-On-A-Train Stars – The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins.

This book is just a goddamn soap opera. This chick banged that dude. That dude cheated with that whore. And OMG two chicks are doing it. Sweet.

But then comes the revenge. Everyone has to get revenge, right? Some guy finds out his wife is cheating, so he starts banging some other chick. But of course that chick is married too. So her husband goes out and bangs yet another chick. And so begins the endless cycle of revenge fucks.

This book is about an ugly fat bitch who rides the train every day, and sees people living their perfect lives, in their perfect little neighborhood. After a while, she gets tired of being a spectator, and inserts herself into the perfect people’s lives. She pretends to be the wife’s friend, or something.

Then some guy gets sick and tired of his cheating whore of a wife. That bitch just can’t see reason, man. She just won’t shut the fuck up. On and on with the nagging. So he bashes her head in with a rock, as you do. And then the fun begins…

After the head bashing, this book turns into a cheap rip-off of Gone Girl. Because the dude’s wife goes missing, and of course he’s their prime suspect. But wait, maybe she’s not missing at all. Maybe she’s just sick and tired of this sociopath asshole, and ran off, or something. Yeah, ya think? Maybe.

Then there’s some shit about someone’s unwanted baby that they buried at the beach. Because babies are fucking annoying. All that goddamn screaming! Shut up, you stupid cunt baby! I’m trying to jack it to some lezbo porn here, and you’re just ruining the mood.

In the end, I don’t understand why this book is so popular. They’ll probably make it into a goddamn movie, just like fucking Gone Girl. I don’t know why, because it’s pretty much the same goddamn story. Only with more cheating cunts and asshole husbands. Okay, wait… I might actually watch that.

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John Dies at the End – no he doesn’t

5 of 5 Mind-Fuck Stars – John Dies at the End by David Wong.

I hate to tell you this, but John does not, in fact, die at the end of this book. No, he dies in the middle of the book. But then he comes back to life. Because, zombies or whatever the fuck. Don’t ask me to try to explain this book to you, because it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

It really is the most brilliantly-written nonsense I’ve ever read. I couldn’t get enough of it. I read every goddamn word, my eyes glued to the page. Was it because of the amazing characters? Or a fascinating story, perhaps? Not really. It was just the most unpredictable Roller-Coaster ride I’ve ever been on. And I loved every second of it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that the characters, or the story, are bad. They’re just fucking weird. The whole story is just one long acid trip, as far as I can tell.

This book is about David, and his friend John, who are paranormal investigators of sorts. Because one day, at a party, they took some acid, or ‘soy sauce’ as they call it. They call it that, because it’s black, and kind of indescribable. It’s some kind of alien substance, that has a life of its own. If you don’t want to take it, that’s fine. It will find its way inside you, somehow.

Ever since they took the soy sauce, they can see monsters, and ghosts, and strange things happening in their town. So every time something strange happens, they are called upon to help. And let me tell ya, something strange happens in their ‘Undisclosed’ town all the fucking time.

After John is supposedly killed, David is arrested. He thinks he’s in big trouble, until his friend John calls him up and explains that David is not really being detained. John says that that big guy who looks like a police detective, isn’t really there. He tells David to just walk out of the police station.

So he does, but then his phone starts to die. So, John tells him to buy a hotdog at a street vendor. “Okay, now put the hotdog up to your ear, like a phone. And talk to me, man.” David does this, and is amazed that the hotdog does indeed work as a perfectly good phone. Because John is just inside David’s head, you see.

So, David sets out to find John’s killer, still talking on the hotdog-phone, with mustard drooling down his chin. “Dude, can I just eat this hotdog? I’m really hungry, man.” David asks his dis-embodied friend. “Fuck no. You eat that hotdog, and I’m dead, dude,” his friend replies.

The book goes on like this, with David fighting off monsters by himself, until he is finally reunited with his dead friend. Then they get to kill the big boss-monster. After going through a portal to a different dimension, of course. In that world, all the girls are naked, and they all worship David and John, as you do. Because they are the chosen sacrifices to their real god, the boss-monster.

I told you this book was a big fucking acid trip. It makes absolutely no fucking sense, and yet, at the same time, it’s bloody fascinating. It’s just rain wreck after train wreck.

I can’t recommend this book enough. It’s one of my all-time favorites. The book itself has crept into my brain, just like the soy sauce. It has infected me, and I’m glad for it. At least I don’t see ghosts and monsters yet. That would suck. I’d hate to have to solve everyone’s fucked-up problems.

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