Posts Tagged ‘blogging’

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3 of 5 Strange-Cock Stars – Tale of Two Bookends by Jessica Marie Baumgartner. Check out her WordPress blog.

This book puts an interesting twist on erotica. Why write about humans humping when you can write about demons humping? And I have to assume that these hunky demons sparkle in sunlight. Because this book reminds me a lot of those shitty Twilight books.

This book is about the incubus Dane Cook. He feeds off human energy to stay immortal. And for some reason, he has to have fresh cock at least once a month, or his sandy vagina will start to bleed. Or something like that. It’s really fucking stupid.

It’s like the author needed a reason to put Dane Cook into a three-way. Like a real life-threatening reason. Why the fuck you even need a reason, is beyond me. I mean, if you’re Dane Cook, you don’t need a reason to fuck some strange. You just do it. Because you’re Dane Motherfucking Cook, for fuck’s sake.

One day, Dane is just minding his own business, fucking strange pussy and sucking off strange cock. Then he bumps into this nerdy girl on the sidewalk. And immediately he’s obsessed with her. Nobody knows why. Even his incubus roommate is confused as fuck.

I mean how do you live for thousands of years, fucking strange ass every goddamn day, and then you just fall head-over-heels in love with some random nerdy chick? What the fuck, man? Give me a reason. Okay, so they both like books, and the girl owns a bookstore. Big fucking deal.

I need a reason why this girl is so special. Because, as far as I can tell, Jenna is just a slut. A plain, nerdy slut. Nothing special about her at all. If you’ve lived thousands of years as Dane Cook has, you’ve seen her type thousands of times. So why her?

There’s a few decent sex scenes in this book. I do like the bi-sexual angle, because I’m bi myself. But the scenes weren’t particularly unique or kinky. It’s just sex. And, apparently, it’s mind-blowing. Because this nerdy girl completely loses her mind for the very over-rated Dane Cook.

So he makes you cum. Big deal. Lots of guys can make you cum. It’s not rocket science, people. So I really don’t get the whole “Oh, you’ve made me cum. Wow. You can have me forever…” bit. Because there just isn’t any substance to their relationship.

Maybe it’s a girl thing. A fantasy. That some demon-boy will come sweep you off your feet. Make you cum. Tell you everything you want to hear. Oh you’re so beautiful. I’ve never felt this way about anybody before. No, you totally don’t look fat in those pants. Girls. I’ll never understand them.

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4 of 5 Naughty-Glenn Stars – The Dark Half by Stephen King.

I got married back in 1989, when this book was first published. I read this book during our tumultuous first year of marriage. Back when there were literally two Glenns. Sweet and innocent Glenn (yeah, right). And bad, naughty, evil Glenn.

So I guess this book hit home with me. Because it’s about a writer who has a dark side of himself that comes out to play at night. I know the feeling. I used to stare at my new wife while she was sleeping and think, I could totally just smother her. Nobody would know. Well, the cats would know. But they wouldn’t tell anyone.

But this book isn’t about a guy who’s gone psycho. It’s about Thad Beaumont, an author who writes about a psycho under the pen name George Stark. The world finds out that Thad is really George. Just like Stephen King was outed as Richard Bachman.

So Thad says, fuck it. He has a funeral for his fucking pen name. He puts the fictional George to rest, and buries an empty casket in the ground with George’s name on it. Because Thad is sick and tired of being second fiddle. He wants to write his own shit. Be known as Thad, the wonder horse, or something. Because, come on man… Thad is like the dumbest name ever.

The fictional George Stark is not too happy about being buried alive. So he busts out of the grave as a real living, breathing asshole. And he goes on a killing spree, as you’d expect. Because that’s how you get the dumb girls. I mean, everyone knows that stupid chicks give the best head. And for some reason they fucking love serial killers.

And there’s a side benefit. Apparently, George has the same fingerprints as Thad. So all the cops are running after Thad for all the gruesome murders. But then, there’s the typical Stephen King clusterfuck…

You see, George being a fictional character that’s come to life is just way too simple for King. He can’t have that. He’s got to make it convoluted as fuck, or it’s just not a King book, now is it?

I loved King’s work back when he was George. I mean Richard Bachman. Because those books were pure. They didn’t have that typical King horseshit. Just good stories, with actual endings.

I liked The Dark Half because there was still a bit of Bachman left in King’s writing. It really was a great story before he had to go and skullfuck it by giving some actual explanation for George, the dark half of Thad the wonder horse.

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3 of 5 Ghost-Buster Stars – Alicia Bewitched by Nick Iuppa & John P. Mendoza.

It took me forever to get through this book. Usually it only takes me a couple of hours to read a 300 page book. But not this one. Because the first half of it was so fucking boring, I had to stop every so often, and do something else.

This book is about Alicia and her husband battling the evil James Bond villain Tiger Joy. The first half of the book is very repetitive. It’s just Alicia pining for her husband, who’s trapped in Tiger Joy’s prison.

It literally takes Alicia and her friends half the book to finally find a way to get her husband out of the prison. I really wish I had started this book at the half-way point, because after Carlos is free of his prison, the book really picks up, and finally becomes interesting.

This is a multiple-orgasm type of book. Not because it’s particularly erotic. It’s because this book has something like five goddamn climaxes. Alicia and Carlos keep having these epic battles against the evil James Bond villain. They kill her, but that doesn’t really matter. She just comes back as a ghost. Which isn’t very surprising, because Alicia herself is a ghost.

And a witch. And a shape-shifter. Wait, maybe that’s her husband. I don’t fucking know. It seems like everyone in this fucking book has some super-powers or another. Witchcraft, sorcery, alchemy, and of course doing fun ghost tricks.

Like when Alicia gives her husband head. And his cock goes through the back of her fucking skull. Because she’s a goddamn ghost. I really don’t get how the living have sex with ghosts, but somehow they manage it.

I really hated the first half of this book. But the second half made up for it. It was quite the joyride of action, once Carlos was free. Because Tiger Joy is a persistent little cunt. And she even has a sister named Kitty, who can turn into a cat and sit on Tiger’s lap, like a real James Bond villain. Isn’t that cute?

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3 of 5 Totally-Catfished Stars – Before Time by Xunaira J.

This entire book is fucking pointless. It’s just a long drawn-out mIRC conversation. It’s nearly two hundred pages, but that’s all it is. Just online chat bullshit. It just never goes anywhere. I kept hoping for something to happen in the real world, but it never did.

This story is about twenty-year-old Onaiza and her online boyfriend. Okay, he’s not really her boyfriend. He’s just some random stranger on mIRC who suddenly becomes very interested in her. Or maybe he’s not interested in her at all. Because he’s so fucking aloof.

He tells her over and over in chat that she shouldn’t care for him. That he’s a cold-hearted asshole. That she should never trust anyone on mIRC, especially not him. He tells her that she definitely should NOT tell him any of her secrets. No, anything but that. Please.

Apparently, that’s the best way to get some innocent girl to tell you everything about herself. Because that’s what she does. She immediately tells him everything about herself. How she’s an ugly fat whale. How she’s probably better off dead. Because nobody cares about her. Awwww.

Seriously, she’s such a cry baby. She sounds more like a 13-year-old than a twenty year old. I mean, I’m really not sure who’s being catfished here. Because the dude sounds like he’s probably in his forties. If he is in fact a dude. So maybe they’re double catfishing. Ha! Wouldn’t that be something?

If you don’t know what catfishing is, for fuck’s sake man, turn on the TV for once in your life. There’s a movie called Catfish which spawned a TV show that is on its third season now. It’s about people who pretend to be someone else on the internet. Sometimes they do it because they’re really in love, but are ashamed of who they really are. Other times, they just like fucking with people.

So that’s really what I assumed this story was. A catfish story. But I really couldn’t tell who was being catfished. If either of them was. Because they talked about life, and love. About sex, and orgasms. About how she’s beautiful on the inside. And how she should really lose some weight, man. Because, damn.

But nothing ever really happened. There was no conclusion at all. Except for them both telling each other off. Fine, don’t love me. I didn’t like you anyway. Oh yea? Well… Well, you’re a fat whale. So there! Neener, neener. Okay, maybe the guy isn’t some forty-year-old creep. More like ten.

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4 of 5 Snarky-Wizard Stars – Storm Front by Jim Butcher.

This book is fucking awesome. It’s so witty and funny. And ridiculous. I mean, if you were a wizard, a real wizard, would you really go into business as some kind of private detective? Put an ad in the fucking yellow pages? That’s retarded. And funny as hell.

This book is about Harry Dresden. A professional wizard working in Chicago. He does in fact have an ad in the yellow pages. And a sign on his door that says, “Wizard For Hire!” Like anyone is gonna take that seriously. You might as well put a sign on your door that says, “Crazy Retard For Hire!” Because that’s what people are gonna think. That you’re a crazy retard. Because magic isn’t real. Everyone knows that.

Except that it really is real in this version of Chicago. I mean, nobody knows it’s real, except Harry. But whenever unexplained things start to happen in Chicago, people come to him for help. Because he understands the things that normal people don’t understand. Because he’s a fucking wizard. Deal with it. **SUNGLASSES**

After it’s established that this book is indeed silly as fuck, Harry is hired by some woman who thinks her husband is losing his fucking mind. Harry finds out that the husband isn’t really losing his mind. He’s just high as balls. Magic balls. Of course.

Then Harry gets a call from a chick he totally wants to bang. Karrin Murphy who works for a special ghost-busters unit of the Chicago PD. And also doesn’t know how to fucking spell ‘Karen’. Apparently, she found two dead bodies with their hearts ripped out. It’s black magic. Or something. So obviously it has something to do with that wack-job Harry Dresden.

And then there’s like vampires and shit. And warlocks. And demons. You know, the usual supernatural garbage. I mean, yeah, the story is pretty stupid and simple. And it’s borrowed from every other fantasy type book. But I don’t fucking care. This book isn’t awesome because of the fucking story. It’s awesome because of the characters. The fun, witty banter.

So what if the story basically comes down to burning up a meth house. It’s like Jim Butcher just took a standard Chicago PD case, and threw in a wizard. For shits and giggles. And it worked. I giggled so much, I think I shit myself.

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5 of 5 Pinned-To-The-Wall Stars – Pinned! by Vicki C. Smith.

This is the most erotic book I have ever read. And I’ve read quite a bit of erotica. I pretty much had a raging boner the entire time, while reading this book. If it was an actual paperback, instead of a kindle version, it would be quite sticky.

This is the story of Sindy, a married woman who really enjoys violent, forceful sex. The first scene in this book is a violent rape scene. For a second, I thought she was really getting raped. But then, it turns out that she had this whole thing arranged.

In a darkened hallway, in a mall. Where the cameras can’t see. She’s taken forcefully. Thrust down to the cement floor, and fucked mercilessly. The ‘stranger’ slaps her ass with a hard leathered hand. Wraps her long hair around his fist, and keeps on pounding until she cums like a racehorse.

Sindy works in a hair salon, in the mall. She takes her lunch break, and is approached by a handsome business man. They have some conversation, and he invites her to work part-time at his bowling alley. This excites crazy ass Sindy, because it’s been said that shady things happen at that bowling alley. Drug dealers. Pimps. Mobsters.

She takes the job, and soon finds out that she’s not just a bartender at the bowling alley. Jeremy, the handsome business man who hired her, asks her back to his office and promptly tosses her over his desk and violently fucks her. Giving her orders. “Bend over, kneel, put your hands over your head…”

And Sindy fucking loves every second of it. She can’t get enough of this kinky sex. Even though she has a husband and a daughter at home. She doesn’t fucking care. She just want’s to get fucked hard. Is that so wrong? I say nay nay.

And then Jeremy starts killing people, as you do. And he gets Sindy to help him dispose of the body. Which makes her horny as fuck. So they fuck madly, right next to the dead body. Man, this bitch is 50 shades of seriously fucked in the head. But goddamn, that was some hot erotic action.

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2 of 5 Free-Will-Is-A-Bitch Stars – Moirae by Mehreen Ahmed.

I didn’t like this book at all. It had too much politics and religion for me to give a shit. The story is supposedly set on some fantasy world, but it seems to me that this fantasy world is simply the Middle East. Because there’s all the jihad shit, and Muslims, and Mohammad and Jesuits.

This story is about the battle between those religions. Where families and farms are wiped out by roving gangs of jihad thugs. Because if you don’t belong to their religion, you don’t deserve to live. You don’t deserve to have a home and a farm. You don’t deserve happiness.

One young man is framed for murder, or something. His family struggles to get enough money to get the boy out of the country. But instead, the boy takes off on a bus. He goes off to try to live his own life somewhere else. And it’s always a struggle. No food. No water. No place to sleep. No pot to piss in.

His life sucks donkey balls, but he struggles on, praying to the random god of the week. Because he can’t decide what he believes in. He’s trying to convert to the best religion, to play with the politics, and finally get a decent job. Or maybe move further out in the country, where nobody will find him.

He finds a church that wants to help him. They give him a place to stay, and chores to do. They feed him, and wash his feet. Because apparently that’s their sick fetish, or something.

Eventually, word gets to him that his family has been brutally murdered, and their farm is just an unclaimed wasteland. So yippie! He goes back home to start his life anew. But everyone knows that the thugs will be back again. They’ll probably rape and pillage once more. But hey, live dangerously, right? Sure.

This entire book went on and on about how God will provide. Don’t worry. I know you’re starving, but God will provide. I know you’re living on the streets. You’re cold. You’re miserable. You want to kill yourself. But don’t worry, God will provide.

Fucking bullshit. God doesn’t provide shit. Ever heard of free will? God helps those that help themselves. In other words, God doesn’t help at all. He gave us free will, so we can fend for ourselves. He’s an absentee landlord. He doesn’t give a fuck about you. People die every fucking day. God doesn’t care.

The characters in this book do finally realize that it’s all a crock of shit. They start doing things for themselves, because it’s pretty goddamn obvious that God’s out to lunch or something. You can’t wait forever for your God fantasy. You have to do it yourself.

Then, of course, when they finally get what they want, they thank God for providing. HE DIDN’T PROVIDE SHIT, YOU STUPID CUNTS! When will people get this through their stupid thick skulls? Probably never. Because people are stupid ass sheep.

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4 of 5 Monster-Cock Stars – Cum for Frankenstein by Lasa Limpin.

This is a fun story. It’s very short, at 40 pages, but fun nonetheless. It’s even a story I can relate to. I guess I’m like Frankenstein’s monster, because I know what it’s like when you can’t cum after hours of fucking.

This story is about a bunch of horny bar wenches who happen upon Dr. Frankenstein’s monster who has been hiding out in a nearby barn. None of these girls are the least bit interested in the regular guys in town. Because none of those guys are horrible disfigured monsters.

It must be some kind of fetish, or something. Because these girls come on to the monster like he’s got hundred-dollar bills sticking out of his pocket. But no, all he’s got in his pocket is a huge motherfucking cock. And apparently that’s good enough for these sluts.

All three of them fuck his brains out right there in the barn. One of the girls even takes his huge cock in her ass. Because, why shove a huge monster cock in your pussy? That’s just plain boring. Might as well be adventurous. You never know when you’re going to find another horny monster, after all.

But even with the hardcore ass fucking, the poor monster can’t cum. After the girls are finished with him, he still rampages around the barn, humping the air, humping the horses, humping some guy’s face. Because some guys come (heh, I said come) to the barn with pitchforks and torches, to destroy the horrible monster.

But pitchforks and torches are no match for the rampaging monster cock. The monster fucks his way out of the barn, after pounding his cock deep into a guy’s skull, through the ear canal. Because fucking the guy’s mouth would be gay. But the ear? That’s not gay. That’s just hardcore, man.

I enjoyed this story. And not just because of the hardcore ass fucking. It was funny and erotic at the same time. That’s hard (heh, I said hard) to do. And there was quite a bit of action packed into a short amount of pages. And the monster finally got to cum hard. Yay!

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2 of 5 Prelude-To-Hoseshit Stars – The One Path by Larry S. Gerovac.

You know what really pisses me off? When a book is just a prelude to a series. There’s no beginning, middle, and end to this book. It’s just the beginning. And there’s no fucking conclusion whatsoever. It’s bullshit, is what it is.

This book is the story of Thomas, God’s last prophet. He’s just some average jackass. He’s not even particularly religious. But one of God’s angels came to him in a vision, and told him to lead the people to victory. To fight the battle with the demons who seek to destroy the world.

So Thomas wakes from his vision and says, “Alrighty then…” And takes off to Rome, to see the Pope. I’m not sure why he set out to seek the Pope’s wisdom. I mean Thomas isn’t even Catholic. And it’s not like the Pope can tell him anything that God’s angels can’t. Plus, the Pope’s people are probably just gonna think Thomas is bat-shit insane.

But Thomas gets lucky. He bumps into a nun who listens to his story. Because she’s an old lady who’s not playing with a full deck of cards. Thomas spouts some religious text to her, and she immediately believes him to be God’s last prophet. So she fast-tracks him to see the Pope.

Once Thomas finally gets to meet His Holiness, the Pope bashes Thomas upside the head with a staff. Because, apparently that’s how you tell if someone is a demon, or just plain human. Because demons heal faster. And Thomas just stood there with a stupid look on his face, as blood dribbled down his face.

“Well, shit…” the Pope said. “I guess you’re not a demon after all.” And then they have a long pointless conversation. Because the whole meeting was pointless. There’s nothing the Pope can tell you that’s gonna help with anything, Thomas. He’s just a man, like you.

Thomas goes off to fight the good fight against the demons with his trusty sidekick, Myrrh. Because all religious crusaders need their own personal computer hacker, apparently. Oh yea, and Myrrh can channel angels and demons and stuff. And he can tell when things are real, or imaginary. Quite the useful sidekick.

And then there’s the whole antichrist thing. The devil impregnated some young girl to birth his hellspawn, but he doesn’t do it the fun way. He doesn’t actually fuck her. No, that’d be cool. We can’t have that. No, he just takes her to his evil lab and impregnated her with some evil plasma super-sperm, or something. With a fucking needle and a petri dish. No dick required. Man, some demons just don’t know how to party.

And then the book ends. Okay, not right there, but soon after the hell-spawn is born. It just ends. Thomas and his sidekick aren’t any closer to stopping the evil demons, and God finally decides that Thomas is a useless fuckstick. The end.

Seriously? Come on, man. This is fucking bullshit. It’s like just as the book was finally getting interesting, it ends. I was bored out of my mind, until the last few chapters. I actually got interested in the story. And then it ends on a motherfucking cliffhanger.

I know I’ve been on kind of a 2 star rampage lately. But it’s not my fault. Authors keep sending me these bullshit books, and it’s pissing me off. Somebody please send me a good book to read. I’m really getting sick and tired of reading horseshit.

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2 of 5 Fucking-Pointless Stars – Worse than Senseless Things by J. Battle.

I was bored out of my mind while reading this book. It’s not funny. It’s not exciting. It’s just an endless battle scene, told from several different perspectives. To me, this just made the plot convoluted as fuck.

I do respect the amount of work that went into this book. The world-building was amazing. All the different alien races and planets were fascinating. But what were all these aliens doing? Just wandering around their planet with their token human. Not doing anything interesting at all.

Awesome world-building does not mean there’s going to be a good story to go with it. Unfortunately for this book, the world-building was all it had. The story was weak. The characters were stupid and cardboard. And the endless space battles were fucking pointless.

When a character says, “Sir, we’ve just lost 78 more ships, sir!” Okay, big fucking deal. Why’d you lose those ships? Where’s the conflict? What can you do about it? The fleet was constantly losing ships, and nobody ever did anything about it. So how am I supposed to care? Conflict without any meaning is just empty conflict. It’s fucking useless.

This book is about an intergalactic war. Everyone is fighting, for whatever reason. Planets, and entire civilizations are being destroyed. Because, reasons. It really is fucking pointless.

I had to drag myself, kicking and screaming, to the end of this book. I really couldn’t stand it. I just wanted it to be over. Just nuke the whole fucking galaxy, and be done with it. Because I can’t fucking take it any more.

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