Posts Tagged ‘book reviews’

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2 of 5 Space-Junk Stars – Live Free or Die by John Ringo.

A friend of mine has a hard-on for John Ringo. So he’s always pushing Ringo’s books down my throat. I started reading this book several months ago, but kept having to put it down, because one of the things I hate the most about any kind of fiction is fucking bullshit politics. And this book is FILLED with politics.

Why? Why the fuck do we need politics in space? When I first saw The Phantom Menace, my biggest complaint wasn’t about Jar-Jar, it was about all the fucking politics. I don’t get it. Why tell a story about congress? Why include any kind of politics in a story? It’s bullshit, and it just stalls the story. Politics just bore me to tears, and puts me to sleep every time.

But my friend assured me that this book was worth it. “Trust me, dude. You’ll love it,” he said. Well, fucking bullshit. I hated it. Well, I kind of liked the story, if that’s all it was, but unfortunately, it was inundated with so much political nonsense, that it just wasn’t worth reading. It was a waste of fucking time. I found myself fast-forwarding through pages, to find something that wasn’t littered with politics.

It’s the story that made me want to keep reading, despite the politics. It’s about an alien invasion. But it’s a friendly invasion, of sorts. The aliens just want to do some trades for some heavy metals. Nothing intrusive. We’re just friendly green guys, don’t mind us. Sure. Trust the aliens. Why not. I mean, they only destroyed a few cities. For sport. So they can’t be that bad, right?

But the aliens get bored with destroying things for sport, so they go out looking to get wasted, and come across a local drug dealer, Tyler Durden who’s gotten tired of running his fight club. Tyler learns that the aliens are semi-allergic to most foods on earth, so he sets out to find something that the aliens can tolerate. He makes a bit of a taste test for the aliens, using cups of just about everything. A cup of sugar, a cup of flour, a cup of oil, a cup of whale jizz, and a cup of maple syrup.

All of these choices make the aliens sick, except for the whale jizz. The aliens get high as balls off whale jizz. They can’t get enough of it. And they’ll give Tyler all the sexy technology they have for as much whale jizz as Tyler can provide. So in a very short period of time, Tyler Durden becomes the richest man in the world. I mean seriously, the richest man. Suddenly, he has more money than all the rest of the humans on the Earth combined. That’s a shit ton of dough, man. And a fuck-ton of whale jizz.

So, of course, Tyler Durden sets out to build his own Death Star, which he calls Troy. It’s nearly as big as our moon. Has walls that are a kilometer thick, and is pretty much indestructible. It doesn’t even need weapons. It’s so massive, it can just plow its way through any battle. Throw all the nukes you want at Troy, and it’ll just smile and keep coming at you. It will just keep coming and coming with its synthetic whale jizz. Because that’s how Tyler Durden rolls, man.

This really could have been a good book. But it wasn’t. Because of all the political horseshit. I couldn’t stand it. I had to dig through all that garbage to even find the fucking story. Which was actually a pretty good story, if you took out all the political shit. But it wasn’t a 400 page story. Maybe 200.

If Ringo had just published the actual story, without all the horseshit, it would have been 4 stars, at least. But no. He had to go and skullfuck it, like so many authors do. What a fucking waste. I really hope John Ringo chokes on some whale jizz, just for some poetic justice.

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2 of 5 Magic-Elephant-Cock Stars – Outsourced by Eric J. Gates.

After the author of this book sent this one to me for review, I immediately put it on the bottom of my pile of books to review. Because look at this goddamn cover. It’s fucking retarded. I’m not sure why I hate it so much, but I really do. Thankfully, the book was actually better than the cover. Not that it’s good, mind you. It’s just not that bad.

This is the story of two writers, and a magic pen. Oh, and an assassin, who wants his fucking magic pen back. Because it’s really easy to kill people when you have a magic pen that can literally write fatal accidents into your target’s future. Because that’s what this pen does. If you write it, it will happen. Or something like that.

Apparently, the pen is not as easy as it seems. Because it has a mind of its own, and it’s a sneaky little fuck. You see, it’s like a magic Genie in a lamp, apparently. You have to write very specific instructions, or your wish will backfire. Like Nic, one of the writers who came upon the pen. He writes, “I wish my wife wasn’t such a bitch…” And sure enough, she’s not a bitch anymore, because shortly after that, she dies in a horrible car accident. Problem solved, right? I’m telling you, that pen is a motherfucker. A curse, if you will.

Wow. This sounds like a pretty interesting story, doesn’t it? Well, it’s not, goddamnit. It has such an awesome premise. The first few chapters are actually very good, but then comes the conspiracy horseshit. Where did this magic pen come from? How does it work? Let’s go talk to a physics professor and find out some actual science about this thing. Then find out its origin. Crack the secret language that’s written on the box it came in. Do endless google searches. No, not to google “pen in vagina porn”, because that might actually be interesting.

But why all the fucking research, man? I don’t give a fuck how this thing works. Nobody should care how it works, just use it, already. Get rich. Fuck some bitches. Make friendly aliens appear in Central Park, you know just for the fun of it. Because fuck, man. Think of the possibilities. It’s endless.

But nooooo. Because now the NSA are tailing Nic’s ass. And just about every other government spy agency around the globe. I mean, everyone wants this fucking pen. Because, of course they do. It’s fucking awesome! And this cocksuker Nic isn’t even using the goddamn thing. Such a shame. Someone should just send an assassin after him.

The original owner of the pen, the assassin, gets bored in his retirement from killing people, and comes back to the states to retrieve what’s rightfully his. But he finds his assassination attempts against Nic quite frustrating, because now Nic has the Power of Greyskull! Or whatever. He can thwart all of the assassin’s plans just by making a few notes.

Notes like, “I’m immortal” and “I have the biggest cock in the world” and “Okay, I don’t really need a 12 foot cock. Make it just a foot” and “Goddamnit, not a real foot, motherfucker. I mean make it a foot long cock” “Not a chicken! Fuck. Now my cock’s a chicken. A FOOT LONG PENIS, GODDAMNIT. I HAVE A FOOT LONG PENIS, OKAY? IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU?!”

He wasn’t quite happy with his foot long elephant penis, either. Because it was so fat and wide, it was completely useless. But he decided to cut his losses and do some more google searching: “how to fuck with a foot long elephant cock” google gave him a funny look and said, “fuck a very tiny elephant, you idiot.”

See, here I go making the book more interesting than it is. I often do that when I get bored as fuck while reading a book. Because there was so much conspiracy horseshit in this book, I just couldn’t stand it. The author really did make a great premise, but he skullfucked it so hard, it turned out useless.

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4 of 5 Cycle-Of-Abuse Stars – Tears of Innocence by T. R. Robinson.

I really hated the first part of this book. And I was torn because of it. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to critique a book about a girl getting raped during WWII? Not to mention getting raped by just about every other man she ever met. Including her goddamn relatives. It was relentless, all the rape and violence.

It took a while to get there, though. To get to the violence, that is. Because that was what I was looking for. Because I’m a sick and twisted fuck. The whole family thing, with her losing her mother, and being moved from house to house… I just didn’t really care.

But then the rape and torture kicked in, and I found myself being glued to the pages of this book. Not just because they were covered with my jizz, mind you. I mean, the story became very real. Because this is an autobiography of sorts, so these things actually happened to this girl. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Her misery just went on and on, like there was no end to it at all.

One thing about this girl that really drove me nuts was the fact that during all her rape and torture, she always called out to God. Why, God? Save me, God. Oh, please, KILL ME GOD! Like he’s some guy watching the whole thing from the clouds and encouraging the rapists. “Oh yeah, that’s good. Get deep in that ass. Yeah.”

Like the world is God’s very own real-life PornHub, or something. Never once did this girl think that there was no God looking after her. He faith never wavered. I don’t know if I’d call that completely retarded, stupid, insane, or just plain brave as fuck. I mean, how is God going to save you? If you believe that God has control over what happens to you, then why’d he let you get captured in the first place? Oh, right. Because, porn.

The girl doesn’t really escape her Nazi captors, she’s just thrown out with the other corpses. I guess they thought she was dead, or something. Maybe they got tired of sloppy 32nds. I mean you can only sodomize a fifteen year old girl for so long, before it just gets way too sloppy. They didn’t even touch the vag. Because, ewww. The vag is gross, man. That thing could eat you alive. Fuck that.

Some nice people find this young girl, moaning amongst the other zombies in the pile, and they pull her out from under the corpses, and take her home and mend her up. And then, they leave. They seemed so nice. But the fucking Nazis are coming, man. Fuck this girl. She can take care of her own damned self. Talk about not-so-good Samaritans.

The girl wanders around the countryside, getting raped and beaten by everyone she meets. By the Nazis, and the resistance alike. Because apparently, this is her lot in life. To get abused. So she just continues the trend. It’s all she knows. By this point, she figures getting raped in the ass, and beaten to a pulp is just what guys did. It’s just normal, right? The beatings are the foreplay, yes?

So she ends up marrying a complete asshole. Who beats the living shit out her even BEFORE they get married. Before? Seriously? Come on, man. What the fuck is wrong with women? If he beats you before you get married, why the fuck would he stop once you’re married? Because after marriage, you’re his, to do with as he wishes. Before marriage, he’s just some asshole. But now, he’s your asshole. Congratulations, you fucking idiot.

I liked this story because it was so real. It wasn’t real because it’s supposedly a true story. It was real, because I’ve known women like this. This shit actually happens. Okay, there’s not usually Nazis involved, but still… It happens. And it’s fucking sad.

I hope all women read this fucking book, and learn a thing or two. Say no, for fuck’s sake. Leave the motherfucker. Kick him in the balls. Buy a motherfucking shotgun. You don’t have to live with abuse. And never ever think you can change a man. Because men don’t change. They just get worse.

Well, except for me, of course. I tried to choke my wife once, when we were first married. She promptly punched me in the face. I’ve been scared to death of her ever since. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. And yes, she’s kicked me in the balls more times than I can count. You know, for fun.

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4 of 5 Super-Shart Stars – Dissimilar Shorts 4 by J.B. Taylor.

Sometimes I watch Ghost Hunters, just for a good laugh. Because that show really is retarded. And every fucking time I watch it, I hope to Christ that some actual ghost would jump out and gang-rape the shit out of those guys. Because that would be fucking hysterical.

The first story in this book is about just such a scene. A TV show goes to investigate a haunted house, and end up getting gang-raped by a little girl with an axe. A ghost axe, of course. And damn, if that little girl isn’t evil as fuck. I totally want to keep her in my basement, on a very short leash. For science!

Okay, maybe she’s not really evil. She’s just lonely. And killing more people gets more ghosts stuck in her house. More people to have tea with. More people to torture. And more screams! It’s always good to get more screams. Screams are her life-blood. It’s what she lives for. Crazy ass little girl.

The other story in this book is about super-heroes. Retarded super-heroes, apparently. Because, in the first scene, we find The Judge doing his super-tricks to thwart a bank robbery and save many lives. He can put anyone into a coma with just a thought. And he can fucking teleport anywhere, like that Jumper faggot.

But that’s not why he’s retarded. He’s retarded because the bad guys kidnap his girlfriend, and demand a ransom of 4 MILLION DOLLARZ. Oh noes! I guess I’d better go get that money then. Just rob a few banks, then I get my girl back. Cool. That’d be easy.

But wait, man. What the fuck? You have already shown us your motherfucking super-powers, so why the fuck are you robbing banks to pay these Russian cunts? Just do your thing, and snatch her back. How hard is that? You already did it before, so why are you running around robbing banks to give to the Russians? Have they brain washed you into being their bitch or something? What the actual fuck?

But wait, it gets worse. He meets yet another super-hero while he robs another bank. And she’s just as retarded. They have this whole epic fight scene, and after they’re finally tired of punching each other in the face, The Judge explains to her that he’s only stealing this dough to save a life. His precious girlfriend, who he’s never even fucked yet.

And I totally expected super-girl to respond with something like, “So, use your super-powers, man. Just go get her back, you fucking pussy. Why bother with all this money? Are you like retarded, or something?” But no. She totally went along with his plan, and helped him steal money to get his stupid girlfriend back.

I really did like both of these stories. I had my issues with the second one, but I still liked it. I mean, there was still lots of action and intrigue. And it even made me laugh because it was so fucking retarded. And if something can make you laugh, even if it’s unintentional, it can’t be that bad.

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4 of 5 Fucking-Fuck Stars – The Cause by Roderick Vincent.

It seems like this book was written by a man who hates the government. He longs for rebellion. And I have no idea why. Maybe the government fucked him over with a bogus tax refund. Or maybe Mr. Vincent actually works for the government, and knows first hand how totally fucked up it is.

This book is set in the not too distant future, 2022. That’s not very far away. Nothing can really happen in the United States in seven years that’s going to totally change the nation. We’re not going to starve to death. The country is not going to turn into a police state. It’s just going to be the same old US-Of-Fucking-A.

In this story, the government is so corrupt that it steals from its citizens. There’s no more middle class. You’re either rich as fuck, or you’re a poor-ass bitch, living on the street and sucking cock for one more hit of crack. And in this future, the crack is super-crack. It keeps you high as balls for weeks. Sweet.

So there’s this guy. He doesn’t really have a name. Well, he has like 4 different names, because he’s like a hacker or something. And he’s black, for some reason. And he’s a badass motherfucker. An MMA fighter. And a fresh recruit for the CIA.

After black panther boy finishes his training at the CIA farm, he’s picked up by a super hardcore special forces group. They fly him out to the jungle and beat the living shit out of him. Teach him the Tao of Bullshit. The Zen of hacking. And hardcore Buddha fighting.

It turns out that this special forces group is actually part of The Cause. A group that sets out to destroy the government oppression in the United States. To bring the country back to its principles. To kill a bunch of fucking politicians. And to use the word ‘fuck’ in ways that are just not fucking appropriate.

And I should be the last person to make this fucking accusation. Because I fucking use ‘fuck’ constantly. See how annoying that fucking shit is? You can’t just fucking put ‘fuck’ in a fucking sentence for no fucking reason. Sure, I do that fucking shit all the time, but fuck, man. I write for fucking humor for fuck’s sake.

I did like this book because it had quite a bit of good action. Plenty of killing, which is always a good thing. I mean, they killed people in training for fuck’s sake. That’s hardcore shit. But what I didn’t like was the fact that there was too much training and not enough actual opps.

Seriously, like ninety percent of this book is training. It was good, sure. But the hardcore boot camp didn’t have to go on for that long. Get to the fucking story already. And learn how to use the word ‘fuck’ for fuck’s sake. Damn.

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4 of 5 Robot-Cock Stars – Independence by Alasdair Shaw.

This story is very short. I mean, you can’t really call it a ‘book’ at 28 pages. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is what’s packed into those few pages. And let me tell you, there’s more action and intrigue packed into this story than there is in many full length novels.

It’s about the aftermath of a brutal space battle, where two ships survive. Both of the ships are just barely supporting life, as they are so horribly damaged from the battle. But one of the ships seems to be repairing itself. Like it’s alive or something.

So of course the dumb white people (I have to assume they’re white) from the other ship go to investigate the self-healing ship. And damn. Shit happens, man. The dumb ass white people get gang raped by androids. Then, just for fun, the droids chop the white people into little bits. Like cold cuts.

So yea, robots are evil. I get that, man. But why do the humans have to be so goddamn stupid. I mean, why the fuck are you even investigating this fucking ship? There’s no life signs. There’s nothing on that ship that you need. Just blow (heh, I said blow) the ship to kingdom come (and come!), and get on with your life.

Because you can’t fucking argue with robots, man. They’ll just laugh and shoot you in the face. Because apparently these robots have personality traits, or something. They’re happy to do their job. Burning human flesh makes these droids giggle like little school girls. Sick and twisted school girls.

I liked this story because it was packed with non-stop action. And because I’m a sick and twisted bastard. I love reading about idiots getting what they deserve. And getting fucked by droids with chainsaw dicks was definitely what these dumb white people deserved.

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4 of 5 Alien-Matrix Stars – Reformed by by Anthony Morgan-Clark

This book is described as a short story collection. But it’s not. It’s a novel. And quite a good novel. It’s one of the best sci-fi books I’ve read, and I’ve read quite a few.

The only reason I didn’t give it 5 stars is because of the short story structure. It would have been a better book if it was written as a novel, instead of segments of a novel.

This story is about the future of criminal justice. About pre-crime justice technology. And of course, aliens. You can’t have a sci-fi story without aliens, right?

There’s this guy, Joe, who just got out of prison. He goes to the half-way house to plan his criminal future. Or does he? It seems to me that his whole life could just be a simulation. Because part of the justice system in this future puts repeat criminals into a Deep Sleep. It’s like the Matrix, because the prisoners are suspended in a virtual reality world, where they’re allowed to do their crimes in peace.

And then there’s the pre-crime revolution. Technology that’s developed to determine if someone will become a criminal. Or, if a criminal is likely to repeat his crimes. There’s a whole debate within the justice system about the legality of this technology. Is it fair to put someone in prison just because the technology says they will eventually become a criminal? Sure, you may save some lives. But if that’s the case, you might as well just put everyone in the Matrix. You’ll save even more lives!

But wait, the aliens have invaded the virtual reality. Oh noes! Apparently these aliens aren’t little green men. They’re energy, or something. They travel through the electricity, and troll people on the internet. And then they get bored of trolling, and finally just invade Earth, and destroy everything. Because that’s the only way they know how to save the Earth.

What? Save it? You just fucking destroyed it, you goddamn cocksuckers! What the fuck, man? How is that saving us? Oh, because even more evil aliens are on their way to destroy the Earth. Great. That’s like the best troll ever. Motherfuckers.

So the other evil aliens show up and destroy even more of the Earth. Like it’s some kind of sport. And the Earthlings have finally had enough destruction, so they decide to fuck the Earth. It’s a goddamn wasteland anyway. And they build huge spaceships, and take off to populate some other world.

Or did they? Maybe this whole goddamn story is in the fucking Matrix. Maybe there’s really no aliens. It’s all just Joe’s Matrix fantasy world. Who the fuck knows. All I know is, this is a damn fine book. There’s amazing technology, and fascinating characters. I fucking loved it.

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3 of 5 Strange-Cock Stars – Tale of Two Bookends by Jessica Marie Baumgartner. Check out her WordPress blog.

This book puts an interesting twist on erotica. Why write about humans humping when you can write about demons humping? And I have to assume that these hunky demons sparkle in sunlight. Because this book reminds me a lot of those shitty Twilight books.

This book is about the incubus Dane Cook. He feeds off human energy to stay immortal. And for some reason, he has to have fresh cock at least once a month, or his sandy vagina will start to bleed. Or something like that. It’s really fucking stupid.

It’s like the author needed a reason to put Dane Cook into a three-way. Like a real life-threatening reason. Why the fuck you even need a reason, is beyond me. I mean, if you’re Dane Cook, you don’t need a reason to fuck some strange. You just do it. Because you’re Dane Motherfucking Cook, for fuck’s sake.

One day, Dane is just minding his own business, fucking strange pussy and sucking off strange cock. Then he bumps into this nerdy girl on the sidewalk. And immediately he’s obsessed with her. Nobody knows why. Even his incubus roommate is confused as fuck.

I mean how do you live for thousands of years, fucking strange ass every goddamn day, and then you just fall head-over-heels in love with some random nerdy chick? What the fuck, man? Give me a reason. Okay, so they both like books, and the girl owns a bookstore. Big fucking deal.

I need a reason why this girl is so special. Because, as far as I can tell, Jenna is just a slut. A plain, nerdy slut. Nothing special about her at all. If you’ve lived thousands of years as Dane Cook has, you’ve seen her type thousands of times. So why her?

There’s a few decent sex scenes in this book. I do like the bi-sexual angle, because I’m bi myself. But the scenes weren’t particularly unique or kinky. It’s just sex. And, apparently, it’s mind-blowing. Because this nerdy girl completely loses her mind for the very over-rated Dane Cook.

So he makes you cum. Big deal. Lots of guys can make you cum. It’s not rocket science, people. So I really don’t get the whole “Oh, you’ve made me cum. Wow. You can have me forever…” bit. Because there just isn’t any substance to their relationship.

Maybe it’s a girl thing. A fantasy. That some demon-boy will come sweep you off your feet. Make you cum. Tell you everything you want to hear. Oh you’re so beautiful. I’ve never felt this way about anybody before. No, you totally don’t look fat in those pants. Girls. I’ll never understand them.

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4 of 5 Naughty-Glenn Stars – The Dark Half by Stephen King.

I got married back in 1989, when this book was first published. I read this book during our tumultuous first year of marriage. Back when there were literally two Glenns. Sweet and innocent Glenn (yeah, right). And bad, naughty, evil Glenn.

So I guess this book hit home with me. Because it’s about a writer who has a dark side of himself that comes out to play at night. I know the feeling. I used to stare at my new wife while she was sleeping and think, I could totally just smother her. Nobody would know. Well, the cats would know. But they wouldn’t tell anyone.

But this book isn’t about a guy who’s gone psycho. It’s about Thad Beaumont, an author who writes about a psycho under the pen name George Stark. The world finds out that Thad is really George. Just like Stephen King was outed as Richard Bachman.

So Thad says, fuck it. He has a funeral for his fucking pen name. He puts the fictional George to rest, and buries an empty casket in the ground with George’s name on it. Because Thad is sick and tired of being second fiddle. He wants to write his own shit. Be known as Thad, the wonder horse, or something. Because, come on man… Thad is like the dumbest name ever.

The fictional George Stark is not too happy about being buried alive. So he busts out of the grave as a real living, breathing asshole. And he goes on a killing spree, as you’d expect. Because that’s how you get the dumb girls. I mean, everyone knows that stupid chicks give the best head. And for some reason they fucking love serial killers.

And there’s a side benefit. Apparently, George has the same fingerprints as Thad. So all the cops are running after Thad for all the gruesome murders. But then, there’s the typical Stephen King clusterfuck…

You see, George being a fictional character that’s come to life is just way too simple for King. He can’t have that. He’s got to make it convoluted as fuck, or it’s just not a King book, now is it?

I loved King’s work back when he was George. I mean Richard Bachman. Because those books were pure. They didn’t have that typical King horseshit. Just good stories, with actual endings.

I liked The Dark Half because there was still a bit of Bachman left in King’s writing. It really was a great story before he had to go and skullfuck it by giving some actual explanation for George, the dark half of Thad the wonder horse.

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3 of 5 Ghost-Buster Stars – Alicia Bewitched by Nick Iuppa & John P. Mendoza.

It took me forever to get through this book. Usually it only takes me a couple of hours to read a 300 page book. But not this one. Because the first half of it was so fucking boring, I had to stop every so often, and do something else.

This book is about Alicia and her husband battling the evil James Bond villain Tiger Joy. The first half of the book is very repetitive. It’s just Alicia pining for her husband, who’s trapped in Tiger Joy’s prison.

It literally takes Alicia and her friends half the book to finally find a way to get her husband out of the prison. I really wish I had started this book at the half-way point, because after Carlos is free of his prison, the book really picks up, and finally becomes interesting.

This is a multiple-orgasm type of book. Not because it’s particularly erotic. It’s because this book has something like five goddamn climaxes. Alicia and Carlos keep having these epic battles against the evil James Bond villain. They kill her, but that doesn’t really matter. She just comes back as a ghost. Which isn’t very surprising, because Alicia herself is a ghost.

And a witch. And a shape-shifter. Wait, maybe that’s her husband. I don’t fucking know. It seems like everyone in this fucking book has some super-powers or another. Witchcraft, sorcery, alchemy, and of course doing fun ghost tricks.

Like when Alicia gives her husband head. And his cock goes through the back of her fucking skull. Because she’s a goddamn ghost. I really don’t get how the living have sex with ghosts, but somehow they manage it.

I really hated the first half of this book. But the second half made up for it. It was quite the joyride of action, once Carlos was free. Because Tiger Joy is a persistent little cunt. And she even has a sister named Kitty, who can turn into a cat and sit on Tiger’s lap, like a real James Bond villain. Isn’t that cute?

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