Posts Tagged ‘ereader’


2 of 5 Gone-Girl-On-A-Train Stars – The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins.

This book is just a goddamn soap opera. This chick banged that dude. That dude cheated with that whore. And OMG two chicks are doing it. Sweet.

But then comes the revenge. Everyone has to get revenge, right? Some guy finds out his wife is cheating, so he starts banging some other chick. But of course that chick is married too. So her husband goes out and bangs yet another chick. And so begins the endless cycle of revenge fucks.

This book is about an ugly fat bitch who rides the train every day, and sees people living their perfect lives, in their perfect little neighborhood. After a while, she gets tired of being a spectator, and inserts herself into the perfect people’s lives. She pretends to be the wife’s friend, or something.

Then some guy gets sick and tired of his cheating whore of a wife. That bitch just can’t see reason, man. She just won’t shut the fuck up. On and on with the nagging. So he bashes her head in with a rock, as you do. And then the fun begins…

After the head bashing, this book turns into a cheap rip-off of Gone Girl. Because the dude’s wife goes missing, and of course he’s their prime suspect. But wait, maybe she’s not missing at all. Maybe she’s just sick and tired of this sociopath asshole, and ran off, or something. Yeah, ya think? Maybe.

Then there’s some shit about someone’s unwanted baby that they buried at the beach. Because babies are fucking annoying. All that goddamn screaming! Shut up, you stupid cunt baby! I’m trying to jack it to some lezbo porn here, and you’re just ruining the mood.

In the end, I don’t understand why this book is so popular. They’ll probably make it into a goddamn movie, just like fucking Gone Girl. I don’t know why, because it’s pretty much the same goddamn story. Only with more cheating cunts and asshole husbands. Okay, wait… I might actually watch that.

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5 of 5 Mind-Fuck Stars – John Dies at the End by David Wong.

I hate to tell you this, but John does not, in fact, die at the end of this book. No, he dies in the middle of the book. But then he comes back to life. Because, zombies or whatever the fuck. Don’t ask me to try to explain this book to you, because it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

It really is the most brilliantly-written nonsense I’ve ever read. I couldn’t get enough of it. I read every goddamn word, my eyes glued to the page. Was it because of the amazing characters? Or a fascinating story, perhaps? Not really. It was just the most unpredictable Roller-Coaster ride I’ve ever been on. And I loved every second of it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that the characters, or the story, are bad. They’re just fucking weird. The whole story is just one long acid trip, as far as I can tell.

This book is about David, and his friend John, who are paranormal investigators of sorts. Because one day, at a party, they took some acid, or ‘soy sauce’ as they call it. They call it that, because it’s black, and kind of indescribable. It’s some kind of alien substance, that has a life of its own. If you don’t want to take it, that’s fine. It will find its way inside you, somehow.

Ever since they took the soy sauce, they can see monsters, and ghosts, and strange things happening in their town. So every time something strange happens, they are called upon to help. And let me tell ya, something strange happens in their ‘Undisclosed’ town all the fucking time.

After John is supposedly killed, David is arrested. He thinks he’s in big trouble, until his friend John calls him up and explains that David is not really being detained. John says that that big guy who looks like a police detective, isn’t really there. He tells David to just walk out of the police station.

So he does, but then his phone starts to die. So, John tells him to buy a hotdog at a street vendor. “Okay, now put the hotdog up to your ear, like a phone. And talk to me, man.” David does this, and is amazed that the hotdog does indeed work as a perfectly good phone. Because John is just inside David’s head, you see.

So, David sets out to find John’s killer, still talking on the hotdog-phone, with mustard drooling down his chin. “Dude, can I just eat this hotdog? I’m really hungry, man.” David asks his dis-embodied friend. “Fuck no. You eat that hotdog, and I’m dead, dude,” his friend replies.

The book goes on like this, with David fighting off monsters by himself, until he is finally reunited with his dead friend. Then they get to kill the big boss-monster. After going through a portal to a different dimension, of course. In that world, all the girls are naked, and they all worship David and John, as you do. Because they are the chosen sacrifices to their real god, the boss-monster.

I told you this book was a big fucking acid trip. It makes absolutely no fucking sense, and yet, at the same time, it’s bloody fascinating. It’s just rain wreck after train wreck.

I can’t recommend this book enough. It’s one of my all-time favorites. The book itself has crept into my brain, just like the soy sauce. It has infected me, and I’m glad for it. At least I don’t see ghosts and monsters yet. That would suck. I’d hate to have to solve everyone’s fucked-up problems.

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3 of 5 Reasons-To-Write-Fanfic Stars – Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James.

I don’t understand all the controversy over this book. Yes, it’s porn. Big fucking deal. Oh, but it’s bondage porn. Again, big fucking deal. Some people are into that shit. So what? If nobody is really hurt, and it’s consensual, what’s the problem?

This book is about some stupid bitch who falls in love with some rich asshole. He’s a sociopath. He doesn’t like to be touched. He likes control. And apparently, he hates women. Or at least that’s what I get from his character. He has a strong need to control and punish women.

I have to wonder if Ana would have fallen for Christian if he was just a regular guy. Just a super hot hunk of a guy that she met at the gym, or something. Would she have gone so far into the lifestyle? Would she have let him torture her so much? Or was it just because Christian is rich as fuck, and can take her on wonderous adventures?

You know what really drove me crazy about this book? The fact that he kept calling her ‘Baby’. And he kept passionately kissing her. Hell, he even ate out her sloppy cunt, and made her cum over and over. This is not what a Dominant does. This is what a lover does. So, I really don’t understand his character at all.

His actions say that he loves her. But he still doesn’t want her to touch him. And he still wants more than anything, to see her in pain. He wants to see those welts on her ass. And at the same time, he’s calling her fucking ‘Baby’. What the fuck? It doesn’t make any sense at all.

I was happy to see that in the end, she left him. After he really hurt her. She finally realized that hurting her was what he wanted most. He didn’t want love. He wanted punishment, and torture.

I don’t know where the hell the story can go from here. Is Christian going to learn to love, or is Ana going to finally turn into the slave girl he always wanted? Who knows. Part of me wants Ana to be the filthy slave girl. But another part of me wants to see Ana show up to Christian’s house and violently rape him in the ass with a huge black strap-on dildo. Yeah, that’d be sweet.

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3 of 5 Chilled-Butt-Hole Stars – White Walker by Richard Schiver

I’m pretty sure that all call centers are some form of hell. I mean, every time I get a telemarketing call, I politely listen to their pitch. I even ask questions. Like, “Oh really? And how long is this offer available? No way! You’ve got to be kidding me…” Then, after they are sure the sale is imminent, I say “Just kidding, man. Go fuck yourself!” and abruptly hang up on ’em. Good times, man.

This book is about a call center that’s surrounded by a wicked snow storm. How the fuck all the characters in this book actually got to work during such a storm, is anyone’s guess. I mean, if you’re working at a goddamn call center, wouldn’t you look for ANY fucking reason to stay home?

Seriously, if it was snowing, there’s no fucking way I’m dragging my stupid ass to a goddamn call center. I’m calling in, that’s for sure. “Umm, yeah… My car is like stuck. There’s just no way I can get there, man. So sorry.” Because, fuck that job. It’s hell.

Apparently, along with the storm came the Devil. Or at least that’s what he seems like to me. He roams the streets looking for prey. Looming in the shadows of the storm. He offers one woman the life of her dreams, in exchange for her first born child. And he burns down a schoolhouse, with the teacher and children still inside.

But wait, the children don’t want to cross over to heaven or hell, or whatever the fuck. So they haunt the call center? Yeah, that makes sense. The children haunt the call center, and introduce themselves to random call center employees. This is the fun part, because when the children touch a living soul, that guy burns to the ground. Like full-on face melting shit.

The Devil, or snow monster, or White Walker, whatever you want to call him… He comes to the call center to retrieve the children that didn’t cross over to hell. And the unborn child that he was promised. Because everyone at this call center is fucking each other. Even though it’s totally against company policy. Like that stops anybody from fucking. Come on…

The best part of this book is the ending. Teddy (who the fuck names a ‘hero’ Teddy?) and his girlfriend flee the ravaging snow storm, and move the fuck to Florida. Because fuck snowstorms. That’s fucking awesome. He’s sitting on a beach, sipping a cool drink and thinking, Fuck those idiots that died in that call center. Now that’s some kind of hero, right there.

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2 of 5 Crazy-Hippy Stars – In Search of Captain Beefheart by Opher Goodwin.

I think I’m too young for this book. Which is funny, because I’m 45 years old, for fuck’s sake. My hair and beard are full-on grey. I’m an old man, as far as I’m concerned. But this book makes me feel I’m a goddamn spring chicken. Because of the 60’s, man.

I fucking hate the 60’s. If the author of this book didn’t send me a copy, and request a review, I would have never read it. If I saw the cover in a book store, I would just keep on walking past. Because they’re hippies, man. Fucking hippies scare me.

This book is about music. From the 60’s, all the way to current music. It’s about being a goddamn groupie. A wanna-be. I would think that it would be easier to be a groupie if you were a hot chick. But the author of this book was up for a challenge. He threw his panties up on the stage, just like the rest of them groupies. That takes balls, man.

It’s the true story of how one groupie dude traveled the world to see all his heroes play great music. And I get that, man. I really do. I’ve just never been that interested in going to concerts. I mean, the music is on the fucking radio, man. Why do you need to go to a concert, and get your fucking ear drums blown the fuck out?

I’ve only been to two concerts in my life, and I fucking hated both of them. They’re too fucking loud. Which is funny, because I’ve been partially deaf my whole fucking life. So when I say they’re too loud, Jesus fucking Christ, they’re TOO GODDAMN LOUD!

Fuck, I sound like an old man. But I’m not. Not compared to this book. it’s just a long, boring, journal entry. It just dragged on and on. I went to this concert. I met this guy. I banged this chick. I snorted this coke. I did so much weed, man, you don’t even know. Fine. You’re a fucking hippy. I get it, man. But seriously, who the fuck cares?

Non-fiction books can be great. But they still need to have a goddamn story. A beginning, middle, and end. And exciting characters, that someone might actually give a fuck about. How about some goddamn development? A character ark. Something, man.

One guy who does this very well is Michael Lewis. He takes real-life events, and turns them into compelling stories. I reviewed his book The New New Thing. It was fucking awesome, because the characters were well developed, and there was an actual story to care about. He also wrote another book you may have heard of, Moneyball.

Don’t get me wrong, this Beefheart book isn’t completely worthless. If you’re really into music, as this author obviously is, I’m sure you’d love this fucking book. I just couldn’t get into it. I mean, music is great, sure. But it’s just music, man. Get over it.

I don’t remember the last time I even listened to the radio, really. I listen to podcasts in my car. Why would I listen to music, when I can listen to Adam Carolla sucking dick for hours on end? That guy can suck a dick, lemme tell ya.

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4 of 5 Crazy-Cyborg Stars – Exit Ruinland by C.J. Anderson.

This book contains all 4 books in the Ruinland series. All 4? Seriously? Fucking awesome! I mean, I’ve read the whole series, and fucking loved it. The author’s grasp of A.I., and Sci-Fi in general is quite impressive. Her robots are like HAL 9000 on crack. Mmmm, crack.

The first story in this book is fascinating. There’s an underground bunker with 70 people, who are all trying to survive the nuclear apocalypse. A central A.I. named Sophia controls the bunker, and she’s an evil little cunt. The A.I. even has its own henchman, a synthetic humanoid named Chiron, who carries out Sophia’s commands.

Apparently, Sophia is on the rag or something, because she/it has gone completely bat-shit insane. She thinks it’s her job to purify the human race, to ensure the perfect evolution of humanity. So, she goes through the blood samples of her 70 inhabitants and find 20 or so that do not meet her perfect standard.

Of course, the only way to purify the group of humans, is to kill off the ones that don’t meet the qualifications. So, she has her henchman go around and lop off people’s heads all willy-nilly. In fact, Chiron gets a sick thrill out of killing humans.

The second installment in the series is about our hero Lauren Vasquez, freshly escaped from a survival bunker, where the A.I had gone mad. It started to kill everyone it thought was defective. Vasquez escaped, with her ‘defective’ unborn child.

Now, in her new bunker, she tells her superiors about the crazed A.I., back at her old base. The A.I. at this new bunker decides that the murderous A.I. at the other bunker needs to be dealt with, so it sends a military squad off to battle hot crazy metal.

I found this author’s grasp of A.I. completely fascinating. How the synthetics use logic to come to a conclusion, and how a machine can actually enjoy killing humans. It was a very engaging read, and I would recommend it to anyone who’s a fan of sci-fi.

The third story in this series confused the shit out of me. I mean, I understood the story, I just didn’t understand any of the WHY. Why’d she write this story about Chiron? Why didn’t she continue the story where the 2nd one left off? I mean, the 2nd story left off at kind of a cliffhanger. I assumed that Chiron was dead, and I was glad for it! How and why is the little girl still alive enough to actually find Chiron? I mean she nearly dies several times, even with him trying his best to keep her safe. How the hell did she last long enough on her own to end up finding him in the first place? And if she’s wearing an air tight bio-suit, how did she end up almost drowning?

For such a short story, there’s a lot of unanswered questions.

And don’t even get me started on the whole Christian angle. The first two stories seemed to be very much against religion, taking every opportunity to show the reader how religion is destroying the world. This is a viewpoint that I happen to very much agree with. But then, in this story, she takes the opposite approach. Going on about how God is so wonderful, how he made us, and how we should be happy to die and go up to heaven, and all that happy happy, joy joy goo.

The fourth story of Ruinland is about the heroic Lauren Vasquez. But it’s hard to call her a hero, because she pretty much kills everyone that she comes in contact with. Hey, how are you doin’? BAM! Shot to the face. Oh, you’re bleeding. Would you like some help? BAM! Headshot. She’s a cold
hearted bitch.

Vasquez escapes the bunker and runs off to find an airship so she can get the hell out of dodge. Apparently there’s a safe haven somewhere in Canada, and she’s damn determined to get there. So she kills everyone she meets, until she gets to the docking bay. Then, the real killing begins.

I know, I know… This review is very uncharacteristic of me. Most books really piss me off, because they’re just so bad. But when I find a book, or book series that really is awesome, I just have to gush about it. Like I’m a giddy-ass school girl.

I really did enjoy this Ruinland series. It impressed me so much. The characters were vibrant, and real. The story was fast-paced and gripping. I can’t rant about this book enough, it’s just that good.

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2 of 5 Title-Is-More-Interesting-Than-The-Book Stars – The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul by Douglas Adams.

Douglas Adams is one of my favorite authors. I absolutely love the Hitchhikers series. But, this book… This Dirk Gently series is complete garbage. It’s very disappointing. I really wanted to like this series, but I just can’t. And to think, they actually made a British TV series out of these books. So sad.

I distinctly remember when I first read this book. The wife and I waited in line at the bookstore, in 1989. We both got a copy, because there was no fucking way I was going to wait for her to finish, even though it only took her a couple hours. About two chapters into my book, I turned to her and asked, “What the fuck is this book about?”

“Hell if I know,” she said. By that time she was on the last few pages, and still didn’t have a clue what was going on.

The book starts out about an airport that explodes for no apparent reason. It was an interesting set-up. But then that part of the story is completely set aside, once Dirk Gently is introduced. You would think that once the titular character shows up, the story would really get going. But no. It drags.

It turns out that the best part of this book is Dirk’s refrigerator. And his couch. Both are fascinating. But, the characters, or the actual story? Not so much. So, fuck Dirk’s refrigerator in its dirty asshole. Preferably, on his fucked up couch.

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4 of 5 Just-Let-Me-Die-Already Stars – Sunwielder by D. Wallace Peach.

This is a great book. An epic story, which reminds me quite a bit of The Return of the King. But instead of wizards and magic, this book has a strange kind of time travel. A device that is given to a young farmer, to change his path. To alter his past, and his future.

The story starts with the young farmer, Gryff, living his happy life, on his farm, with his wife, and the rest of his simple family. Then, men come and burn his world to the ground. They kill his entire family. Even raped his wife, and hung her up, naked in a tree. Gryff finds her, and buries her. Then, he lays there by the stone grave, dying of his own wounds.

He wakes up in some old woman’s cottage. Her own granddaughter laying dead, next to Gryff. She nurses him back to health and gives him the Sunwield. It’s a medallion that she places around his neck. She explains that, if he wears this medallion, that he can change his path. He can roll back time, to save his loved ones, and in the process, save her granddaughter as well.

The old woman and her people sort of remind me of Native Americans, in their belief system. They’re very Zen, and spiritual. It wouldn’t surprise me one bit, if she was a total pot head. With wind chimes, and dream catchers hanging in her cottage.

Of course, Gryff doesn’t understand a goddamn word she said. He figures she’s just some raving lunatic. But he’s at least grateful that she saved his life. He tries to get some rest, and when he wakes, he finds himself back at his farm, doing his chores. Gathering eggs, and such.

What the fuck is happening? He has no fucking clue. He’s not aware of the Sunwield at all. He has no control over it. It just saves his life over and over. There’s like 30 notches in this Sunwield. So, it’s like 30 lives. Every time something bad happens, he can feel it getting warm on his chest, and then time goes all wobbly, and switches back to before everything went wrong, giving him an opportunity to change his future.

But what good is such a device to a simple farmer? None at all, really. So of course, I’m not really surprised when soldiers come to his farm, and force him into service for the king. Because war is coming, and they need all the bodies they can get. Plus, Gryff is a horse breeder, so he agrees to go with them, to train the horses they purchased from his farm.

Gryff makes the perfect soldier, because he is pretty much invincible. Whenever he dies, he gets to come back to battle with forethought of what’s to come. So he quickly raises in the ranks, and soon has command over 600 horsemen.

So, what I’m saying is, this book turns into a medieval version of All You Need Is Kill. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you. It still makes for a great story, full of love and hope and valor.

I really enjoyed reading it, even though I could tell as soon as he met the old woman’s vibrant and alive granddaughter, he’d end up ditching his wife. I mean, he really didn’t have much choice. The Native American chick was a warrior, and he was thrust (heh, I said thrust) into battle with her. What else were they gonna do, play patty-cake?

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5 of 5 Laugh-Out-Loud Stars – The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.

Usually, I don’t remember books very well. I have to review books right after I read them, or I wouldn’t be able to tell you a damn thing about them. This book, however… I have the entire thing pretty much memorized. So much so, that I can’t read the book anymore. I know every goddamn sentence by heart.

Here, let me quote from memory some Vogon poetry:

Oh freckled grunt buggley
Thy mytriations are to me
Like furgled brathey-flap
of warthog’s be

Groop! I emplore thee!
With crinkly bingle worms
And froopishly thrangle thee
With arm-pit germs

For otherwise, I will rend thee
With my burgle-crunchy
See if I don’t!

I’m sure that is only slightly similar to the original, but you get the idea. I cannot get this shit out of my head! It’s there to stay, I tells ya.

It’s not because I have read the book so many times, even though, yes, I have read it more than 20 times, I’m sure. It’s because I once had a driving paper route, back in the early 90’s, and I played the audio version of this book in my car every morning, for like an entire year. Every morning I would hear the complete book, while delivering papers in my car. That’s like 300 goddamn times, or more, that this book was pounded into my head. So yes, every fucking word of it has been permanently burned into my brain.

I say that like it’s a bad thing. It’s not. I fucking loved it. I would read the book aloud, along with the tape, giggling like a goddamn school girl the entire time.

I distinctly remember one evening, when my wife woke me up, and asked “What the fuck is a ‘burgle-crunchy’?” Apparently, I was reciting the goddamn book in my sleep, and kept tossing and turning, screaming, “No! Not the burgle-crunchy! Anything but the burgle-crunchy!”

The book is about Arthur Dent, a rather lazy fellow, who spends the entirety of this book in his bathrobe and slippers. He is whisked away, into the cosmos by his best friend Ford Prefect (who gave himself the perfect Earth name. Because he thought the vehicle, the Ford Prefect, was the most dominant life-form on the planet.) who just happens to be an inter-galactic hitchhiker who writes for the famed guide book The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Once Arthur and his friend begin their journey through the cosmos, hilarity ensues. Well, to be fair, hilarity ensued from the very first page, but it really gets going once they’re hitching rides through space.

And space… Whoa, Nelly. Let me tell you about space. It’s big. Really big… So big, that… Again, pulling lines out of my head from this goddamn book.

Why is Arthur Dent so important to this story? Well, because his brain was part of a computer program to determine the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything. Okay, that’s not entirely true. The program was actually trying to find the ultimate Question of Life, the universe and everything. Because, the pan-dimensional mice already knew the answer to life, the universe and everything. It’s “42”, of course. Duh.

Does any of this make sense? I didn’t think so. That’s what makes it so bloody awesome. That, and Zaphod Beeblebrox. Because, “He’s just zis guy, you know?”

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4 of 5 Highly-Skilled-Whore Stars – The Future of Sex by Lexi Maxxwell.

I expected this book to be pure porn, but it’s not. There’s graphic sex scenes in it, of course, but it’s not just porn. Most of the book is a technological marvel of the future. Newfangled sex toys, with nanobots. Virtual Reality sex. And an exclusive sex club that hires only the best and brightest whores.

The story is about Chloe Shaw, an inexperienced sex worker who is applying to the prestigious O club. They only allowed her to apply because her mother had been an excellent sex worker for them. So they only expected to see her and then excuse her, because of her inexperience.

But Chloe surprised them. Because, it turns out that she’s the Sherlock Holmes of sex workers. Somehow, she knows her partner’s deepest, darkest secrets. She knows how to give them the pleasure they’ve always wanted, but were afraid to ask for.

The O executives were impressed by her first performance, so they set up her next session with the biggest asshole client they had. He was a wealthy man, who always abused the sex workers. But, with Chloe, he was putty in her hands. She insulted him, called him names, and somehow knew about his childhood crush who laughed in his face when he professed his love.

So, Chloe laughed at him. Told him how stupid and ugly he was. Then, ordered him to eat out her pussy with his stupid, ugly face. He obliged, then she ordered him to fuck her silly. Because she NEEDED his stupid, ugly cock. She played the role perfectly, and the man came faster and harder than ever before.

I liked this book, because it was a well written story, that was actually interesting to read. The tech was amazing, and well described. And the characters were vibrant and real. I really couldn’t find any fault in this book. I actually enjoyed it.

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