Sex in the Apartment – is barely legal

3 of 5 Teenage-Fuck-Fest Stars – Sex in the Apartment by Scarlet Cunniliffe.

This book reminds me a lot of my prepubescent years. Young kids breaking into abandoned houses to fondle each other. Even though we didn’t even know what sex was, we knew we wanted to see each other’s junk. And we sure as fuck wanted to play with that junk. Preferably some place that our parents couldn’t barge in and interrupt. Because that’s a huge boner-killer, lemme tell ya.

Sex in the Apartment is about some young teenagers who break into an abandoned military building, somewhere in London. And they turn it into their own private sex club. Even though they’re all virgins, they fondle each other madly until someone has the bright idea to stick a cock in a pussy. And they’re off to the races after that.

But it turns out that just fucking all the time gets kinda boring. So they start taking naked pictures. Pics of big dicks. Picks of wet pussies. And pics of straight-up teenage orgies. Of course what they didn’t really realize was that they were actually creating child porn. But they did soon find out that there was quite a market for what they were making. So they started selling their child porn, and made a fucking fortune.

And then, for some reason, the mob gets involved. They want porn movies. Hot underage teenage porn movies. With sexy rape scenes. And of course some chick getting banged by a dog. Because duh. The sicker the better when it comes to kiddy porn, apparently.

But instead, the kids go back to their ‘apartment’ and start thinking up fucking games. You know, like that time you stuck ping-pong balls in your pussy, and shot them across the room for all your friends to see. They cheered you on so much that you got some of your girlfriends to join in. You all gathered around a bucket and shot balls into it with your pussy, until someone finally gets a ball stuck up their twat.

Yes, that scene actually happened in this book. But then the guys get bored again, and go out and find some runaway whore who wants to get the fuck of her life. She wants to get covered in cocks and pussy and ass and jizz. On film, of course. So they do it. They have a huge fucking orgy with this sore twat as the centerpiece. And they all get high as fuck on some coke. And weed. And hell, whatever other drugs happen to be lying around.

And as this crazy orgy is going on, the poor runaway is apparently dying. I mean literally dying. As three guys are cumming in her mouth, anus, and pussy, this girl is having a fucking heart attack. And she fucking dies right there, as these guys are cumming all over her face. Good times.

The best part is when they started arguing about who was going to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I mean the girl’s face was covered in fresh jizz. It was still bubbling up in her mouth. Gross, man. But some brave girl did come (heh come) forward and dig some of the jizz out of the girl’s mouth, and try to revive her. To no avail, of course.

So they buried her in the woods, as you do. And decided to lock up the apartment and never to return. And then they all get arrested the next day. For murdering a young girl. Or no, maybe it was for distributing child porn. No that wasn’t it either. They got arrested for trespassing on government property. Seriously, man? After all that shit they did? Come on, now.

The problem I have with this book is the complete lack of any kind of plot. It wasn’t much of a story at all. It was pretty much just porn from beginning to end. There wasn’t even any real conflict, until the very end. And of course, there was no depth at all to the characters. I didn’t give a flying fuck about any of them. The could have all died in a fucking plane crash in the end, and I couldn’t have cared less.

But that being said, I still did enjoy this book. I mean it wasn’t ‘shocking’ as the author assured me that it would be. To some, it may be shocking, but certainly not me. I mean, who hasn’t shoved a carrot up some twat? Or a huge zucchini up someone’s ass. This is not new or shocking. It’s just porn. Entertaining porn, sure. But it’s not breaking new ground. And it didn’t even give me a mild chubby. So not very good porn, really.

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Mr. Brooks & His Women – & his whores

2 of 5 Trillionaire-Paying-For-Sex Stars – Mr. Brooks & His Women by Nessa Dearmond.

This ‘book’ is not a book at all. It’s a very short story. Only six pages, for fuck’s sake. It’s kind of sad, really, because the premise of this book is kind of interesting. Too bad it was written so poorly.

The story is about Mr. Brooks and his whores. Mr Brooks is a fucking trillionaire playboy. He makes Tony Stark look poor. And he fucks celebrities for the fun of it. By offering them shit-tons of cash. Because sure, not everyone has a price. But when you offer them one hundred million dollars for a night of fucking, all the sudden they do have a price.

For such a short story, there’s quite a bit of backstory about Mr. Brooks. Apparently, he made his trillions by creating a cure for baldness. Not those bullshit cures, I mean a real cure. Oh, and he also made a cure for small dicks. Like you take this pill, and you get to have a ten-inch cock. For reals. So of course he made trillions of dollars.

Oh yeah, and he also has the cure for every sickness known to man. So, he’s like immortal, or something. I don’t fucking know. Mr. Brooks is just the ultimate fantasy man. He’s the guy that every man wishes he could be. Have all the money in the world, all the women in the world, and a huge fucking cock.

Okay, great, but why is this story so bad then? Well, because it’s six fucking pages! And apparently the author is addicted to semicolons; because he (I have to assume a guy wrote this shit) used so many semicolons in this fucking story; that I could barely read it; I mean, isn’t this annoying as fuck; it’s just not right; and it drove me fucking crazy; I mean, is it really that hard to just use a period?

And there were extra words that clearly didn’t belong. I mean words where the made the sentence make no fucking sense. See what that I mean? So goddamn retarded. And this ‘book’ is actually published. People are buying this shit, and apparently it never got edited, because it fucking needs it bad.

All that being said, I think this story would make a great novel. It really is the perfect fantasy. Well, for men, anyway. And I guess women wouldn’t mind reading about getting paid millions of dollars for one night of banging. Because that’s their fantasy, right? Just fucking a rich dude. People say men are simple. But sometimes, I think women are even more simple. Just give ’em plenty of cash, and they’re happy.

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The Harem – is a whore cult

2 of 5 Happy-Whore Stars – The Harem by Thomas Sweeney.

This book really disappointed me. The author took a great premise and totally skull-fucked it. I mean, why does The Harem need to be a fucking cult? Why can’t it just be about a bunch of filthy whores? Everyone loves filthy whores. You don’t need to make ’em shiny. You don’t need flowers and champagne. All you need is hot ass.

This story is an attempt to make prostitution look like the most glamorous and exciting profession. It’s about a woman who takes an internship at a large corporation. And apparently, she’s special, because she gets offered an opportunity to enter the Program. You know, the Slut Program.

But Susan is no floozey. She takes offense at the mere suggestion of becoming a whore. I mean, who wouldn’t? Even if the position within the Program would set her up for life financially, it’s still selling your body for cash. Even if it’s a million dollars, which it actually is, it’s still sucking dick for money. Even if it means getting eaten out by the most handsome man, and cumming like a fucking race horse, it’s still… Oh fuck it. She’ll totally do it.

I don’t get this bit. She’s so against the idea, and yet a page later she accepts it, and joins the program. I guess all women are whores, when it comes down to it. Is that what this author is trying to say? I mean, he does make the whole proposition very attractive. I’d join the Program in a fucking heart beat. But I’m a guy. All guys are whores. But women? I don’t know, man.

I just expected more of a process for Susan to accept this new position in the Program. I expected her to really wrestle with the idea. Maybe take a bit of convincing. But no. It’s just “Okay, sure. Sign me up. Even though I just called you a fucking cunt for suggesting the idea a page ago.” What the fuck, man?

Then there’s the whole cult thing. The ceremony of becoming part of the Program. Part of the Harem. But why is there a fucking ceremony, man? Just fuck the bitch, and be done with it. Why do you have to eat her out and make her cum over and over? You’re paying her millions to be part of your harem, so why the bloody fuck do you have to pamper the fuck out of her? I don’t get it.

Maybe it’s because this book was written for women. I mean, it has to be, right? What man would want to read this garbage? After the ceremony, Susan is given a new name. It’s ‘Wednesday’. Like she’s the fuck-girl for every Wednesday, or something. I thought that was kind of cool. But the rest of the harem are also named for days of the week. And they just accept this with no resistance. Yes, I’m Robert’s whore for Wednesday. No problem.

But they’re not just whores. They also work his international business. And this is funny, because when Robert introduces his play things to business associates, he introduces them by the name he’s given them. “Hi, George, this is Wednesday.” That’s a bit strange, isn’t it? Then he introduces the rest of them, each as a different name of the week. I get using those names in private, but in public, it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

And then there’s the mind-control. Yes, Robert’s whores learn how to use mind-control and remote viewing, and astral-projection, and all that hippy bullshit. And they use these powers for evil. To go all Inception on some business associates, by planting ideas in their heads and such.

In the end, these were great skills to master, because Robert gets arrested for his evil deeds, and his girls get him off (heh, they got him off) by manipulating the minds of the judges. Nice. But why’d this story have to go all super-natural? Why couldn’t they just be whores, goddamnit? There’s just no reason for all that hippy nonsense. I don’t get it. It must be because I’m not a woman. I’ve only got man-titties, and they’re just not cutting it.

I didn’t like this story. In fact, at times, I hated it. Because it just pissed me off. It took a perfectly good idea and totally destroyed it. Why, man? It just made no sense to me. Most of the story was just boring business bullshit. And happy happy joy joy girly shit. No conflict, whatsoever.

I’d highly recommend this book to women. It’s a perfect fantasy book for women. But I’d strongly advise men to stay the hell away from this piece of shit of a book. Because it’s a complete fucking waste of time. I can’t even jack off to this shit, and I can jack off to just about anything.

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Tale of Two Bookends – about the demon Dane Cook

3 of 5 Strange-Cock Stars – Tale of Two Bookends by Jessica Marie Baumgartner. Check out her WordPress blog.

This book puts an interesting twist on erotica. Why write about humans humping when you can write about demons humping? And I have to assume that these hunky demons sparkle in sunlight. Because this book reminds me a lot of those shitty Twilight books.

This book is about the incubus Dane Cook. He feeds off human energy to stay immortal. And for some reason, he has to have fresh cock at least once a month, or his sandy vagina will start to bleed. Or something like that. It’s really fucking stupid.

It’s like the author needed a reason to put Dane Cook into a three-way. Like a real life-threatening reason. Why the fuck you even need a reason, is beyond me. I mean, if you’re Dane Cook, you don’t need a reason to fuck some strange. You just do it. Because you’re Dane Motherfucking Cook, for fuck’s sake.

One day, Dane is just minding his own business, fucking strange pussy and sucking off strange cock. Then he bumps into this nerdy girl on the sidewalk. And immediately he’s obsessed with her. Nobody knows why. Even his incubus roommate is confused as fuck.

I mean how do you live for thousands of years, fucking strange ass every goddamn day, and then you just fall head-over-heels in love with some random nerdy chick? What the fuck, man? Give me a reason. Okay, so they both like books, and the girl owns a bookstore. Big fucking deal.

I need a reason why this girl is so special. Because, as far as I can tell, Jenna is just a slut. A plain, nerdy slut. Nothing special about her at all. If you’ve lived thousands of years as Dane Cook has, you’ve seen her type thousands of times. So why her?

There’s a few decent sex scenes in this book. I do like the bi-sexual angle, because I’m bi myself. But the scenes weren’t particularly unique or kinky. It’s just sex. And, apparently, it’s mind-blowing. Because this nerdy girl completely loses her mind for the very over-rated Dane Cook.

So he makes you cum. Big deal. Lots of guys can make you cum. It’s not rocket science, people. So I really don’t get the whole “Oh, you’ve made me cum. Wow. You can have me forever…” bit. Because there just isn’t any substance to their relationship.

Maybe it’s a girl thing. A fantasy. That some demon-boy will come sweep you off your feet. Make you cum. Tell you everything you want to hear. Oh you’re so beautiful. I’ve never felt this way about anybody before. No, you totally don’t look fat in those pants. Girls. I’ll never understand them.

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Pinned! – in more ways that one

5 of 5 Pinned-To-The-Wall Stars – Pinned! by Vicki C. Smith.

This is the most erotic book I have ever read. And I’ve read quite a bit of erotica. I pretty much had a raging boner the entire time, while reading this book. If it was an actual paperback, instead of a kindle version, it would be quite sticky.

This is the story of Sindy, a married woman who really enjoys violent, forceful sex. The first scene in this book is a violent rape scene. For a second, I thought she was really getting raped. But then, it turns out that she had this whole thing arranged.

In a darkened hallway, in a mall. Where the cameras can’t see. She’s taken forcefully. Thrust down to the cement floor, and fucked mercilessly. The ‘stranger’ slaps her ass with a hard leathered hand. Wraps her long hair around his fist, and keeps on pounding until she cums like a racehorse.

Sindy works in a hair salon, in the mall. She takes her lunch break, and is approached by a handsome business man. They have some conversation, and he invites her to work part-time at his bowling alley. This excites crazy ass Sindy, because it’s been said that shady things happen at that bowling alley. Drug dealers. Pimps. Mobsters.

She takes the job, and soon finds out that she’s not just a bartender at the bowling alley. Jeremy, the handsome business man who hired her, asks her back to his office and promptly tosses her over his desk and violently fucks her. Giving her orders. “Bend over, kneel, put your hands over your head…”

And Sindy fucking loves every second of it. She can’t get enough of this kinky sex. Even though she has a husband and a daughter at home. She doesn’t fucking care. She just want’s to get fucked hard. Is that so wrong? I say nay nay.

And then Jeremy starts killing people, as you do. And he gets Sindy to help him dispose of the body. Which makes her horny as fuck. So they fuck madly, right next to the dead body. Man, this bitch is 50 shades of seriously fucked in the head. But goddamn, that was some hot erotic action.

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Cum for Frankenstein – I’m trying, dammit!

4 of 5 Monster-Cock Stars – Cum for Frankenstein by Lasa Limpin.

This is a fun story. It’s very short, at 40 pages, but fun nonetheless. It’s even a story I can relate to. I guess I’m like Frankenstein’s monster, because I know what it’s like when you can’t cum after hours of fucking.

This story is about a bunch of horny bar wenches who happen upon Dr. Frankenstein’s monster who has been hiding out in a nearby barn. None of these girls are the least bit interested in the regular guys in town. Because none of those guys are horrible disfigured monsters.

It must be some kind of fetish, or something. Because these girls come on to the monster like he’s got hundred-dollar bills sticking out of his pocket. But no, all he’s got in his pocket is a huge motherfucking cock. And apparently that’s good enough for these sluts.

All three of them fuck his brains out right there in the barn. One of the girls even takes his huge cock in her ass. Because, why shove a huge monster cock in your pussy? That’s just plain boring. Might as well be adventurous. You never know when you’re going to find another horny monster, after all.

But even with the hardcore ass fucking, the poor monster can’t cum. After the girls are finished with him, he still rampages around the barn, humping the air, humping the horses, humping some guy’s face. Because some guys come (heh, I said come) to the barn with pitchforks and torches, to destroy the horrible monster.

But pitchforks and torches are no match for the rampaging monster cock. The monster fucks his way out of the barn, after pounding his cock deep into a guy’s skull, through the ear canal. Because fucking the guy’s mouth would be gay. But the ear? That’s not gay. That’s just hardcore, man.

I enjoyed this story. And not just because of the hardcore ass fucking. It was funny and erotic at the same time. That’s hard (heh, I said hard) to do. And there was quite a bit of action packed into a short amount of pages. And the monster finally got to cum hard. Yay!

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